Tags: im

ani-madd faces

GPS Failure

So my mind is in a blur. Yeah, that was on purpose. There is something about going on long trips that gets to me. I do not mean in a bad way, I think it is that "what am I going to forget, am I going to get lost, am I going to miss an exit, am I not going to blah blah". At the same time, going on long trips excite me. Usually, the long trips are to the land of Yeast and Cheese so I am super excited to get my game on with Stingray. Other times it would be to TX to see my mom, and there is something about spending time with my mom that gives me peace in my world. I think sometimes I just want to suck on my thumb and crawl into my mom's arms and have her rock me to sleep.

However, this time, I am going on an extended trip for an extended conversation to see my girlfriend. Yeah, people can debate what in the world constitutes a girlfriend all they want, however, I go by my definition when I say girlfriend. According to Webster, a girlfriend is, "a frequent or favorite female companion; sweetheart". Hmm, sure sounds like Nicole to me! Oh, shit, since eyes are watching me, I would like to make a correction to that entry. *pulls out dry erase marker*

"a favorite and ONLY female companion; sweetheart"

It also goes on with "a female friend", as well as an interesting "a female friend with whom a man or boy is romantically or sexually involved; sweetheart". What makes that interesting is that it is excluding women, so, sorry ladies, you are not allowed to be bi or gay, because the World English Dictionary specifically notes "man or boy". Of course to THAT, I find it interesting, because "boy" is defined as, "a male child, from birth to full growth, esp. one less than 18 years of age," and my favorite, "a young man who lacks maturity, judgment, etc". Wow, really? So... yeah, no, I am not even going there. Needless to say, dictionaries might want to be moved ahead of lawyers for things thrown into the sun to burn.

So, getting back on track, yeah, I am taking what I feel is one of the most important trips of my life, seriously. I understand the premise of my coworkers debating that I do not have a girlfriend but a female companion (even though, that by definition makes her my girlfriend, HA!). It is the whole notion of how do you know someone you have not ever met in person. People can hide behind the computer and TXT and even phone. Yeah, I get it. I also know that when YOU, the people debating, meet someone, the FIRST thing you lock on is looks. You do not see the brain falling out of the head (unless you are in Zombieland, great movie). You see looks, and your first impulse is of a physical need to procreate, plain and simple. Oh sure through your perceptional screen, you may not be into kids or the like, but deep down inside, you are programmed from birth. Nicole, I ran across playing a game with her. I knew her from a friend and I messaged her. Going back and reading chats, I had it with women. Some woman did some thing or another so I certainly was not "looking". Also, Nicole was very into pushing me away. However, there was such a great potential in her, the way her mind worked, the way she conversed with me. I enjoyed the intellectual conversations and looked forward to seeing her online. I even noted, at some point, that I would never meet or see her, knowing where she lived at the time.

Over time, I loved Nicole, to a point it made me feel good to know she was happy, and would make me sad when she was not. There were many times we would... be absent from chatting with one another. However, at any time she would message me, I was right there to chat up a storm. I was accused by Jen one time that things were bound to fail since or whatever since "I have always loved Nicole". Yeah, so what if I did, there are other people I loved and still love to this day. I practically love every single person I have ever loved in my life. I love my first girlfriend. She cheated on me and wants nothing to do with me right now, feeling it would be "awkward". Ha! I still love Melissa. I love dITZ. About any woman I was romantically involved with in my past I still love to this day. It does not mean I cannot be in a committed relationship with someone else. Oddly enough, Nicole has always respected me, in her own way. Yeah, she was pushing me away, and after dating her, there were... words exchanged, however, the respect has always been there. She very easily could have dismissed me and never added me on AIM (since back then that was a big deal for her). She did not. She respected me, and for that, I respected her in return. It was one of the benefits of the Mirror Effect, back when I used it to the fullest.

Holy shit I am going way off track here. Oh well, at least my acting and writing is better than William Hurt (inside joke, you have to ask me or Sparky). Eh, might as well keep going wherever I am going. So this trip, super important. It is, to me, the first step of a change that is going to affect everyone, and in a positive way. I can sense the cut into self confidence, making jokes about a coworker and then a conversation how maybe I should "wait it out" for said person. Comments about "hoping" I am "going" to be happy with her, when I already AM happy with her, tremendously. I have an unconditional love for Nicole. I know I do for what we have gone through, and how in the past with other people, some of what happened between us would have been a deal breaker. I would have stopped and moved on to "something not quite so complicated as a 950 some mile relationship." Thank you, Lord, for giving me the patience that so many people seem to lack. Thank you for making me strong as I have asked, so many times, that You do since I know how weak I can be. Thank You for being You and You making me who I am. Thank you for spam! Not the garbage that litters my junk email box, but the food that Monty Python sings of.

So where was I? Oh yeah, this trip. I will keep the "I told you so" speeches to myself. I will take the Housism of what logic has crossed my path, and just bask in the glory that is my wonderful relationship. Some shall take this as arrogance, and that is fine by me, I really do not care at this point. Oh, wow, I remember where I was going now, sweet.

Dateline had(has?) a program, To Catch a Preditor. The basis is, a decoy goes online, chats with guys posing as a 14 year old something (boy, girl, I don't remember). The guy offers to visit. Some bring condoms, some talk dirty. All of them are... well... make your own judgment. What is key in this is what is true with anything, whether you know someone in person, or met them online and chatted for 9 some years without meeting. There is just no way for anyone to truly know another person, ever. In fact, some people do not ever really know their own self and will do some crazy things later down in life. Sometimes we take chances and we are lucky. Sometimes we take chances and we are right. Then, there are sometimes we take a chance, and get fucked, and not in that pleasant way. I am telling me, from all that is said, and all that is observed, that Nicole is the one for me, and this trip is going to prove what I already know. I do not have to do this trip so I tell myself, "Wow, thank goodness, I was right about this woman." I think I have to do this trip to tell the rest of the world. I will go as far as saying Nicole herself, at least a little. A conversation earlier had her talking about "possible" chemistry between us. I understand, this is extreme new ground for her, being so involved with someone she never met in person. So I do not judge nor think bad or anything of it. I understand, it makes sense. We still have a few issues with communication. They are due to the medium being used. TXT and IM, while great for keeping up with someone, can be piss poor at conveying emotion. At least at this point we talk through things, not even getting close to a fight. Questions are asked. Things are cleared. It is great. It is what I love: communication. Of course, there is MORE having to explain things via IM, and certainly through TXT. So this trip is important. Have I stated that enough yet? Hahaha! "... but would I say how important this trip is again?" "You might, rabbit, you might..."

Part Duh

So, in comes part two, a smashing scene filled complete with nudity, adventure, and while no swallows, I think there might be mention of a starling (um, yeah, for those who just met me, I like movies and quote them, minds out of the gutter, than you much).

I would like to point out to what appears or most likely will be soon, a blatant slaughter of grammar as I am "unable" to maintain proper tense. Well, there are things mixed from the past, present, and since I know what I do now, future. Plus, I just moved this sentence in front of the other, bring a new meaning to foreshadowing. Thus, JOHD, let me introduce you to my girlfriend, Ali. Er, Alienesse as you know her, however tax-wise known as Nicole. As noted, I came to this epiphany (or so I think/thought/am about to think) that I wanted kids, to truly settle down, and make life work. I was hoping on the station wagon to Canada for some French fries and gravy... almost made it. So next day from my mind finally appearing to pick itself up, I am on my computer and get an IM... at the same time I am sending an IM... to the same person, commenting on the same subject matter (that's my soon-to-be-from-that-time girlfriend). We both were rather "impressed" at the fact this happened. We ended up chatting a bit, which is nothing new to us. Ali and I have been talking to each other since 2001. In fact, she is the reason I found LJ. At that point, if I was writing, it was all simply electronic trans-scribbles in a word processor.

Well, through talking, I was given an impression of someone who went from the "eh" about kids and really settling down to "yeah, I'd buy that for a dollar". I decided to use the aggressive marketing approach that failed with Jennifer (day late and a few months short) on Nicole instead. It appeared to work. I saw that she had a sense that I was not fucking around. I meant what I said and I said what I meant... oh, and something about forgetting and an elephant, but I usually forget how that last part goes. Well, not breaking too much interpersonal information to the web, let's say maybe I was slightly TOO aggressive. There comes a time where something is said out of content, things are worked off that content, and then things go from there. In this case, it went down south a little. There was also a plan to come visit. Oh yeah I didn't mention that one yet. I am so getting ahead of myself, because my brain has a problem putting life sequentially. How about I see if I give it a shot?

So, we IM chat, find we might be a great pair, have a twenty-four hour falling that gets fixed, decide we are going to have a visitation, have a slight tiff here and there, things get better, then there is an absolute turn of events. I say turn of events, however would like to remind the crowd that because one person has it, does not mean the other one does. In this case, I thought what Nicole really wanted out of life was no longer what she really wanted, while she thought some of the things I was saying were definite facts of concrete life that I was not deriving from. Once again, struck down due to the evil powers of misunderstanding. I think if people could be run by computer code, and when a function call to misunderstanding() could be eliminated, then the human race would be at peace, and people would most likely never break up when together, because they would not get together in the first place with people they otherwise should not be. Anyway, misunderstand would turn into uncertainty, and as I generally find, when one has uncertainty in the mind, then the glass goes from half full, to half empty, to "why or why was someone drinking my water, no!!" I certainly am not an exception to this rule (despite multiple people seeming to think I see myself as perfect). So I become uncertain of us. I think there is a case of uncertainty with her. I, of course, end up asking questions and making comments that, since are from a negative perspective, come out wrong. So many more problems in the work.

However, the great thing about her is that at some point we talk. So we have yet another deep and brain hurting talk that is working both of our brains rather intensively. A lot of it is subject matter of me attempting to explain myself. I tend to have to do that a lot with a lot of people. I hope when the universal translator comes out (from Star Trek), that besides translating alien languages, it also translates Madd to English. That would make my life extremely simplistic. People would get me. People would understand. Well, anyway, Nicole would want some time, and I would give it to her. From that point on, things have been fantastic. In fact, since the start of this entry (a few days ago, I am slow), I feel things are even stronger between us. I think some aspects of me are better understood, yet I know we still have some ways to go before we are both completing each other's sentences. I literally had that only once, and it was with a guy (no, not that, ya pervs). It is a mind soothing experience, to know at least one human people out there really gets you. I do not see anything that extreme as a requirement in a relationship, however, it certainly is a wonderful bonus. My plan is to show and express myself in a way that my girlfriend will mentally be more comfortable understanding the words that are coming out of my brain. One of the big things there, is the "Word autotranslator". That is when I say a sentence, and the word is automatically translated by the other person. For example, I keep spelling "sentance" and word keeps correcting it. Also, being dyslexic, I switch a lot of words around, and thanks to the miracle of autocorrecting, I am doing a lot less spell correcting. If I write a huge long 900 page paper, and autocorrecting is on, then that much time is saved not having to go through and correct all of the errors. I would like my relationship with Nicole to be the same. I say, "You smell like a bug" and she somehow realizes I am not insulting her, and she laughs, as opposed to getting upset with me, since... um... what in the world does that mean anyway? My word my examples are slipping. I think I could use another beer... er, I mean, use some beer when I am not working, of course.

[insert]Oh yeah, I forgot, we do have plans to meet up here, hopefully within the next month, even though obviously that is dependent on my work schedule.[/insert]

So, I think I summed up this chapter rather well. I am more than certain I am missing something important. That tends to happen. I have a girlfriend. I love my girlfriend, and if I am lucky, some day I will marry my girlfriend and have a family with her. Oh look, now the world knows... maybe...
ani-madd faces

Best Better Chat Thus Far!

Well, I have gone through a few, however now thanks to http://meebo.com, I have a chat that is embedded in my website, myspace, and other various places on the web. It tracks conversations, so play nice, but that in itself is an excellent feature. While I cannot access this chat via work, I have found a way around it, for now, tee-hee! You should be able to find me there most of my work shift, even though, do not expect me to always be extremely chatty. The nice thing about it, is even though you benefit from signing up with meebo.com, it is not required. Also, if you paste a link to something of media content (mp3, .wav, picture, movie, youtube, etc) it will actually use the built in media player to play it for you, so everyone can enjoy it. So check it out!

A note on meebo, it is a web based service that allows me to access all my IM services via the web (AIM, MSN, Yahoo, google talk, and meebo itself), and there is nothing I have to install to do so. If you are at work and have filters for things like myspace and web based email, it might not work for you, however, it is what I use now to chat. So anyone on an IM service can easily chat with me, unlike before when it was so difficult for me to chat. It has built in sound, and even stores chat conversations, how cool is that? Also, like the chat service I use, it is NOT required to sign up for the service. I am curious if there are any other meebo users out there. So, if anything, stop by meebo.com. There are less ads on there than AIM or Yahoo chats! How do these people do it?!? So stop by http://meebo.com and at least check it out, I am sure as crap happy I did!

(as a side note, for Firefox users, there is a wonderful extention that informs you when people log on/off, send you message, and everything else, all while you are browsing, so if you use meebo, and want the extention, go here:

https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/5700 )

My name is Madd Martin L Kroeger, and I approve this message!
ani-support madd

Skype Correction / MSN-AIM chatting info

Well, it is more a change than a correction. I decided since I could not use madd74 as my user name, that I would use madd74.com as my user name (causing less confusion... at least to me). It did not click with me that a period could be used when I was signing up a name. Sooo...

Anyone who wants to chat with me, feel free to drop a line on Skype, or for anyone using MSN, I also have that logged into my phone. My AIM is set up through my phone, so feel free to drop me a line.

I am going to work to be more available, do keep in mind that it is dependant on how busy I am or am not at work and the like. Also, since I cannot "see" if people are online or not on AIM, if I am not by my phone, I may not resond as often (unless I know you have your AIM set to auto forward to your cell if you are not around).
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