Tags: humor


Journal of...

Hello, JOHD. I remember when you were a small booklet type thing many years ago. I very well could have told you this once before, however I truly have no clue. I would be here for over a decade attempting to catch up to you, so I am going to just let you know... ah...

  • I have a kid, Jarin, who is now 7 and starting 2nd grade today (yeah, I know you know Jarin, I just wanted you to know I have not killed him yet).

  • I am single.

  • I started working out.

  • I got promoted to manager of now CenturyLink (I'll still tag it Qwest).

  • I have a 2010 Ford Fusion hybrid.

  • If I act absolutely professional and above business proper to someone who I know, then I no longer consider them a friend.

  • I am currently in debt due to taking care of multiple third parties.

  • It's raining outside.

  • I own non-Wal-Mart cookware.

  • I do not masturbate anywhere close as much as I use to (shh... don't tell anyone, JOHD).

  • My common reply to people who ask me how I am is, "I'm surviving" (and not a single human has picked up where I got that from yet).

  • I am currently totting a Samsung Galaxy 4, and still use my Moto Bionic for gaming and Jarin.

  • I own a Wii U.

  • Sparky's mom died Saturday.

  • I actively program in VBS.

  • I no longer have any living biological grandparents.

  • I probably have bed bugs.

  • I have people who live in my basement.

  • After chasing Baxter around on Oct 27th, I tripped on a hose and dislocated my pinky, permanently rendering it dislocated.

  • For the first time ever, I properly spelled permanently without spell check or looking it up... and I did it again.

  • My current song obsessions are Adder's Lair (Sonic All Star Racing Transformed) and Eternal Champions Perpetual Motion.

  • I broke my mower by running it with little/no oil in it.

  • I started my Planet Fitness workout routine 140818.1x.

  • I can actually tolerate beer other than Bud Light.

  • "Boobs" is not a tag; it is now.

  • I am going to slowly move to a non-processed food diet.

  • My procrastination is at an insane high.

  • I have not played FFXI for over a year (yet have been paying for service this entire time, meaning it might be time to take my Jew card away from me).

  • My new phone game obsession is Valkyrie Crusade.

  • My favorite chord is Am7b5.

  • Every time I spell "Valkyrie Crusade" I have to look up the word "Valkyrie" to ensure I properly spelled it.

  • I am an active Redditor.

  • "Bacon" is not a tag; it is now.

  • [140113.1x] I am a moderator of the 3rd largest NSFW subreddit (beaten only by gonewild and NSFW).

  • Robin Williams killed himself and Paul Walker died in a car wreck of all things.

  • I've officially renamed Facebook as "MyFace" (and have to remind myself to rename that tag appropriately).

  • My OCD is at an insane high.

  • I have plummeted in the art of taking care of myself at a level I don't even want to get into right now.

  • I still love boobs.

  • Mt Dew is going to slowly be eliminated from my diet (please don't let me read that).

  • I still love bacon.

  • I took my first company paid business trip a couple months ago.

  • I have had sex with a feminist.

  • Some of these tags bring up some interesting memories; some of these tags confuse the fuck out of me.

  • I search with bing... for the money (so I guess I get to keep my Jew card).

  • I have started welcoming death (irony when you see how much I am putting into making myself better).

  • I made an extremely important discovery about myself and depression and other things of that nature. I think I will end with my important discovery.

  • I stand corrected, the last thing I am leaving with is the fact I had to correct words I typed for consistency in order to maintain order with the OCD Demon™.

  • Hello there, Madd here again. The number of red squiggly lines I see due to "spelling errors" (i.e. the HTML coding) is close to putting me in a comma (yes, comma).

  • I absolutely am miserable when I am not myself. If there is anything in this world that impedes my ability to be myself, then I will not be happy. This is especially true in a relationship, and that does not even have to involve a sexual relationship. However, speaking of the sexual kind, I have found all of my recent exes have done just that; they did not allow me to truly be myself. It is that women attempting to change men thing. If I remember the saying right, "Men get into a relationship liking what they see and expecting it not to change. Women get in a relationship and and expect to change what they don't like." If that is not a saying, it certainly should be, as it's true from about every observation I have assimilated.

    So, it is important that I stay true to myself. If there ever comes a time where I would have to change to be around someone, then I would have to say they are someone I would just move away from. Other than that, I'm sorry for leaving you for so long, and I will hopefully talk to you soon... oh wait! I have been informed by the OCD Demon™ I am missing two things; first off all OCD infused humans MUST put lists in a bullet form. Please hold... processing... ahh, complete. I even finished tagging. That only took a decade. LMAO, dear fucking word I love reading old entries. This is the reason I must never stop doing this.

    On my final note, here it is, your moment of Zen...

    MyFace Messenger


    Sneak Attack

    Okay, so, let’s see. My life is equal to what I make of it, and what I make of it is what I made of it. I never got into my former fiancé and what happened there. I know I said a lot of "kick ass" things about her in the past. That is because, at some point, there was some truth to what I was saying. Of course, if you ever want to know how a relationship is, take a look at it when something is fucked up, not when the boat is running smooth in calm waters. Titanic, feel free to take notes.

    I think when someone can pick apart your very name and make fun of it, that shows what you are dealing with. If you back someone who does the same, again, that shows the mentality and function of that person's higher cognitive functioning. I also think it is safe to say, that you can take a look at a person's past, as well as those relationships in that past that go beyond an intimate nature, and thus get an understanding of someone.

    I am strong. I am weak. I have a weakness. I could be classified as a FFXI NM (notorious Maddness). Let's see, how would I get documented in a FFXI wiki;

    Zone: Logoic Plane / Irrational Zone (when in rage);
    Level: ?;
    Drops: Pink Floyd paraphernalia (100%), Video Game music (89%), psychological babble (100%)x2;
    Steal: none;
    Spawns: 1;

    Notes: B, BS, C, T(H) (B = Aggressive with possible link to beer, BS = Aggressive to bullshit, C = Aggressive and links to child, T(H) = True Honesty);

    Spawn Conditions: Generally spawns around 41° 36' 2" N by 93° 36' 32" W. Random lottery spawn due to specific timed events, also a forced spawn during "work" events.

    Special Abilities: Draw In - Madd occasionally will draw in new players with uniqueness abilities. The fascination of being unique and different can catch some new players off guard; Insane Babble - Madd will spew forth "random strangeness" (citation needed) that confuses players into just giving up. This is a special ability with no warning, and many times Madd will not even realize he is using this powerful attack; Other abilities currently unknown or secret.

    Further notes: Madd is difficult to charm with illogic. However, when his "Jarin" summon is spawned and attacked (mentally or physically), Madd changes from the "Logoic Plane" into the "Irrational Zone". Also, Madd can be charmed in other manners when the player uses "Reward" on his "Jarin" summon, or attacks with "Floyd". Special courting note; attacking with "Floyd" will generally cause the opposite results intended by the player. Also, when Madd is under the effect of "Bio(logical clock)", extremely susceptible to charm. When claimed under the effect of "beer", aggros to BS and C extremely easily, causing possible rage in minutes. It is recommended to not claim while under the effect of "beer" with wither BS or C. Claim with video game, Floyd, logic, or music instead to avoid rage effect.


    -Cannot solo Madd under any level unless able to balance "Reward" with "Jarin" summon. Must have "Reward" skill capped.
    -defeated as Ex. While under the effect of "Bio", started off as easy fight. Able to rage against Madd and use illogic and still was winning since "Bio" effect made most attacks by Madd ineffective. Unfortunately "Bio" effect wore off, and Persistent skill was not high enough. Eventually was defeated and moved on.
    -defeated as former fiancé. Started off fight immediately using Reward on "Jarin" summon. Got to engaged stage, however, unable to hold due to low persistent skill. Gave up and left unclaimed, causing Madd to return to Spawn point.
    -defeated as many other. Usually defeated when too much agro via BS. Many will attack with "boobies", however T(H) will generally see through people using BS.
    -currently claimed by Girlfriend. Started fight with "Reward" on "Jarin". Also used "FFXI" spawn point which lowered charm resistance.

    (people unfamiliar with the FFXI who actually read this far and want to understand the "humor" of this parody may wish to visit http://wiki.ffxiclopedia.org/wiki/Kirin )

    Yeah, okay, this is almost as cool as my Jesus FFXI NM I was going to do a long time ago around Easter. Of course, Jesus is cooler than me, so, it is not like I am comparing. Then again, recently a customer who I talked to for 1 hour 52 minutes and 37 seconds kept telling me I felt I was God. However, translating the above, and going back to what I was actually talking about since I actually remember, my last relationship "started" from a simple IM, where I sent a comment to her and she to me at the same time. At least, I would if I could remember. I started this post a few months ago. I know the whole FFXI thing really got my motor running, as it normally does. If I remember, I believe I was attempting to wrap up some loose ends from my past. I am conflicted between two "super" powers. I am not sure if I want the ability to never require sleep, or having perfect memory. Not ever being tired is extremely difficult to pass up. I could give up any form of caffeine stimulant. However, my very definition of life revolves around what I remember, and the ability to remember everything or to jot something down, and then forget it forever unless I "re-read" it. There are many things that clog my mind that I cannot seem to shake. When I was visiting and happy in TX, my ex was always there. She had been there for about a year after our bad fallout also. I was not sure how to remove the thoughts from my head, and having to keep tabs on Jarin obviously made it beyond impossible to just forget she ever existed. I think a part of it deals with me growing a spine, but doing so at the most inopportune time. I most likely could have benefitted from having a spine and being able to stick up for myself around the age of... 14 or so. Waiting until child and 30+, not so much. So when I grow a spine and decide I am not going to be walked on anymore, it appears to cause me to replay all these times where I was treated disrespectfully. I am sure it also played a part in my ex fiancé. I mean she at least benefitted from what I learned from my ex. I also feel I really know what I want from in life, regarding someone else. I have narrowed it down to what I feel is "a few basic principles".

    When I was younger and most of my life growing up, I was picked on because I was different. As shown throughout the history of man-kind, when you are not like all those around you, then you get looked at different. Ask any black person from the Rosa Park era. Ask any "the world is round" from the Columbus era. Ask any burnt crispy corpse in Salem, Ipswich, and Andover in the 1692 era. Ask any alien that visits us in the future and lives here in the... not yet happened era. If humans can't understand it, they shun, ridicule, or shoot it. I was not shot at as a kid however... oh wait, no sorry I take that back. I remember something about a crossbow being shot at towards me when I lived in Council Bluffs one time when I was mowing. Then again, maybe that happened to a friend of mine? I am starting to feel like Cloud being confused with Zack. Well, again see a reason why perfect memory is top on my list.

    Danger Madmartigan, Danger!

    I have what I like to call a... different sense of humor. Not everything has to be about your mom (even though it is), and not every chicken has to cross the road (even though all robots do since they are carbon bonded to the chicken). I some times forget in my day to day me-beings that not all humans share equal time with me. Now there are some who do and just do not get what I am about. There are others who do not realize what I am saying since they have not assimilated the context of my material.

    All is fine and good, however in the end it is really about one important thing: your mom. Er, I mean, a chicken. No wait, laughter. See, the thing is, the same is reversed. I do not know what floats everyone’s boat. My brain is already processing information 6 times more than it should be, so attempting to remember where you stand in what is and is not funny is not always going to be clear. Oh yeah, not to mention, I am not always the smartest block in the box. Doing classic SNL Connery talking about Trebek’s mom to someone who just lost a mom… yeah… I certainly have my flaws.

    There is one person who I generally know I will get to laugh: you mom. Er, I mean a chicken. Well, I am close on either count, because I mean myself. It is not that I necessarily find myself being overly funny. It is that I find that most things are funny. I am one of the most easily amused humans I know, which makes joke telling by my friends super easy. I mean seriously, why did the robot cross the road, because he was carbon bonded to the chicken? hAhAhA!! I still laugh at that! Oh and still love that movie and shame for everyone who made it bomb out to no sequel :’(

    So hopefully this quick 15 minute minus 5 minute break regarding who the world of Maddness works, and how you might as well, was informative to you. If not? Well…

    Your Mom

    (hi mom, happy birthday :)

    ... and here it is, your moment of Zen