Tags: emotional


Traffic Blocked: For Her Pleasure

People like to be right. There are some who like to be right all the time. I have been accused of this, and it makes me sad to think that people who should know who I am hold onto this outdated stigma of my existence, or are close-minded to the situation at hand. I am not always right. I am frequently right, and I am because under most situations, I think before I attempt to back something up. I find there are two instances when I don’t: I’m drunk or I’m angry.

First, let’s look at the phenomenon at hand. The largest population of people who have to always be right do so subconsciously. This makes it prone to ego defense mechanisms. Human history tends to show what happens in a whole when someone feels attacked or threaten by something. They defend. In fact, animals even show this. Ever attempt to give a cat a "simple" bath? You would swear you were about to put some cats in a meat grinder and feed them to the dog. So when someone goes against an opinion, people take it as a personal attack. Most people who are attacked want to fight back. It brings me to the thoughts of my own anger.

Through my years, I find that when I get upset, I tend to think less logically and more emotionally. Someone who lives in a world of logic will generally mess up coming at it emotionally, just like someone who lives in a world of emotion will mess things up coming at life with logic. It is not that there is anything wrong with living emotionally or logically. The more you are with one, the less you will be able to define life with the other... at least, when it comes to the world of debating or argument.

Alcohol lowers judgment and inhabitations. I’m no exception. It has taken me an extremely long time, and a lost friendship or two, however I finally realized that while emotions come out as I have acquired drink, some of those are based off the wrong information. However, getting angry or upset I find does EXACTLY the same thing. If for whatever reason I am pissed off about something, the way I argue is identical to me being drunk. Being angry has effects on the body and brain. Again, I am no exception to this. Most people have heard of "flight or fight". If not, well, your education has failed you. When you get upset and stress your body, your brain releases cortisol (known in the world of making names way too long as "hydrocortisone"). This is a steroid hormone. This can affect memory. For anyone who notices you are arguing with someone who seems to "forget what they just said", cortisol can inhibit memory retrieval of already stored information. Sound familiar (if your angry right now, most likely not). Prolonged, anger can also block the growth of new neurons in the brain, causing neuronal death or depression. This can cause learning difficulties.

People who are angry are more likely to show signs of correspondence bias. This is an overestimate the effect of personality and underestimate the effect of the situation in explaining behavior. You can see this in about every case of road rage, where someone cuts you off, and your first thought is how the person simply has no driving skills, when in Reality, it could be something totally unrelated, like you being in their blind spot.

So anyone who truly knew me as me, would know I certainly do not think I am always right. It’s discouraging that I have to work on attempts of keeping track of when I am wrong and admit it, since some force inside me feels compelled to always play Devil’s advocate. For instance, I was called a liberal and how I back up the actions of our current President, when in Reality I came across one too many instances of "If someone posted it on Facebook it must be true", over a picture of our President with a shirt that was Photoshopped. I would normally say "clearly" Photoshopped, however, if you are dealing with people who still think their computer comes with a cup holder (see also "DVD/CD Drive"), then understanding photo pixilation from a photo being edited may not be so "clearly". I can respect that. So, my original comment comes solely from the literal hundreds of comments where "Oh my gosh, look at this shirt that Obama is wearing" is the flow of the thread, and my retaliation is, "Learn what Photoshop is before you post your ignorance." For reference, since Obama is generally a fun (ha!) topic to bring up, my thoughts and opinions on him are the same it is for any politician. He is going to lie at times, and sometimes he will have a valid reason to do it while others he will do it to save his own ass. As Agent Kay said, "There's always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or a Corillian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe out all life on this miserable little planet, and the only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!" Since it has been proven to me that some people I associate with don’t understand the Engrish language, or I don’t know how to translate what’s in my head to the Engrish language, or a little of both, I translate: while I don’t think it right, in any way, to lie about things, there comes a point where you simply do not pass on information you know. "Hey honey, I know you did not ask if the clothes you are wearing makes you look fat, however since I have an opinion on it, I thought I would give you a heads up that it does." "Hey sweetie, I realize you just spent $300 for a makeover, and you did not ask for my opinion, but I wanted to inform you that you may wish to call the cops, because you look like shit in it, and it would appear you were robbed."

I once (more than) had a debate with my girlfriend in terms of lying, where not presenting information is constituted as a lie. I don’t think less of her, or say she is not smart (in fact, I think she is smart, and knows things I have no clue of). I will state however that *every* definition of a lie has shown me "deliver/speak a false statement" in some way or form. Last time I checked, not saying a word on something is not delivering or saying anything. Even if I was in an open relationship with a woman and asked for her to tell me of any sexual encounter she has without me having to ask, she agrees, and then she has sex with someone, and down the road I ask and she says, "Yes, I had sex with..." does not make that person a liar. Deceitful, untrustworthy, to name a few, sure, why not. A liar? That person is not a liar unless when they AGREED to tell me they realized they had no intention to. If the person had the intention when she said "yes I will tell you without asking", however when the time came she just couldn't do it, then no, not a liar.

So reverting to my original point, to anyone who thinks I am always right, I am not. If you think I think I am, then you are either using old information (which is about as smart as using the very first version of any software on your computer and never upgrading any of it), observing me in an altered state, or simply catching me on one of those times I am human. Still not perfect. While "no one likes to be wrong", I find being wrong a way to better myself to get it right. This is why I don't agree with people who are so hard strung to say I never like being wrong. If you are wrong, and you want to resolve something, then you have to give it thought, and anyone who really does know me, should have the smarts to see that "thinking" is something I like to do (sometimes too much of it).

Also, I thought it important to note, I farted at some point today.

Chicken Poop

Today is a busy day at work. It is nice that everything is breaking down (exaggeration) in that it helps keep my mind in check. For reasons of which I am not fully aware of and just not fully done processing, I am nowhere close to the happy place that I was certainly in yesterday. At least I am happy in my ability to keep up yet another entry, and also a bit happy on a possible prospect for December.

One thing I am not happy about is my financial situation. I know, I know, my status is way better than many of my friends and family. I have always felt that God has taken care of me when it comes to money. Despite how much money I have lost, and money I most likely will not see until certain people die (the key word here is plural, not singular), I manage to live a rather decent life. God has blessed me with this ability. God has also blessed me with a father who knows how to manage money like no one I personally know. This trait has been passed down to me, thankfully, even though my young late teen early twenty span saw me in credit card debt. My very generous job has also helped. I put a lot of money away in my retirement per check, and I invest in my company, and I have since I was able to. Even when I worked at Wal-Madd, I put money away for my employee stock plan. Things could be worse, and I could end up having to sell my car and moving into an apartment, and no ability to feed myself. I am not there, because as noted, God takes care of me. I can think of times when He would have strange amounts of money hit my way. I say strange since I never would have expected the money to hit me.

Well, I started using a program not too long ago on my phone called Mint. It is great as it is free. That is usually a plus. It is also nice in that they have a website, and this website allows me to track all of my money and investments. Unfortunately it shows me that my current credit to cash is… well, the wrong way for the first time in like ten years. The other thing is it shows me my budget, in terms of how I spend my money. I can take the fact I have to pay $2k taxes bi-yearly, so it calculates how much per month I would have to set back, as well as how much for my car payments, mortgage, etc. It is like when I use to use Quicken. For the first time in a long time, I have recently been following my finances very close. It gives me a sense of pride that I am able to keep on top of it, just as the pride I feel from JOHD entries. Just like my late abilities of cleaning up better after myself (and my beautiful girlfriend, who sent me a TXT the second I wrote her name on here, lol, talk about creepy). I have found that when my place is clean I am more apt to keep it clean, as opposed to it being dirty to the point it just gets worse or stays bad.

There is something about routine. When I find a routine I am really great at it. I maintain it so well. When that routine is broken, well, it throws me all to heck and back. I miss my hat. I think it is time to tie my hair back. They ask me why, I’m just a hairy guy. You know shaving is the same way. I shaved a lot better when I had my shaver fully functional, including the cleaning cycle, however I ran out of cleaning stuff for it, and no where local appears to sell it. While it was a great gift my father got me, I should have looked for and bought a butt load of cleaning stuff for it so I would just have it.

I miss my kid. I look forward to summer, when I WFH, and can be around him during lunch and breaks. I look forward playing with him before work. I really miss him. I am not sure if that was the reason I was getting a bit teary eyed earlier (and a little now) or if it is just a lot of things. I want to say it is a lot of things. It almost always is multiple things that get me upset/emotionally unbalanced. I could use a good beer and some good company.

Protect Mode Off

I would say I have nothing, however as I am writing something then obviously I have something. *shrugs* I just cannot get my brain together. I remember back in the day when it was virtually independent. Maybe I really am crazy.
ani-moo cow

All Your Brain Are

Making a major alteration with how a human being behaves is generally not an easy task. I think the two biggest life changes I have gone through include my dedication to honesty and removing the extremely controlling aspect of my personality.

My life, defined as it is, and the changes made, have generally been the result of other people. I actually remember the key moment that made me work on a path of honesty. I was 13 or so and told my dad a piece of information that was a flat out lie. I did so because it was requested of me. I do not remember exactly how, but he saw right through my lie. I do not remember if I provided conflicting bits of information, or if my face simply lit up red, a problem I had back when lying was as common for me as anyone else. Regardless of the reason things were, some part of me decided to take this route in life. It certainly was not an easy trip.

Humans lie for a few reasons. One reason is that telling the truth would be hurtful to someone. I certainly know that there are times when telling someone something truthful can be extremely painful to the person. However, the other reasons stem on the fact that humans are selfish. I think the number one reason that humans lie is an attempt to escape punishment. One of the beneficial aspects of having a child is having a better understanding of human behavior. Jarin would know he is in trouble over something, and would typically attempt to lie about it so he was not punished for it. At this point in his life, I do not feel that he has the ability to lie because he thinks he is going to hurt mom or dad. There are some times when it seems he simply might be confused, however, when I ask if his TV is on when he is told repeatedly to shut it off, and he says it is off, and I state I am going to check, and he gets anxious and tells me it is not necessary to go check, then I am shown the "birth" of lying. It is not anything humans are taught. If Jarin starts drinking when he gets older, that could be traced back to the fact that mom and dad drink. He has seem beer bottles and he has seen me drink. He has not, however, seen me lie. The closest he ever had me at lying was when I told him not to mention to his mother over the phone about his new bed. I told him to tell mom he was having a good day and playing, without mentioning the bed. I actually had to raise my voice as if he was going to get into trouble if he mentioned it, since he otherwise was talking how great and wonderful his bed was. Still, even that act was done far after the fact he would lie about things if he thought he would get into trouble.

So we are born to want to protect ourselves from our own error. We have this built in mechanism that makes us attempt to save our selves from screwing up, by covering it up the best we can. However that is not the only selfish aspect of lying. We lie in attempts to get our own way. I am sure millions of men on this planet have lied to a woman for the sole purpose of getting laid. Society certainly glorifies this behavior. Women have certainly lied to men over a variety of things. Being male or female certainly means very little in the fact that people lie to get what they want.

So my journey towards the open path of honesty was certainly not a one shot hit. It did take a while before I was able to embrace honesty as my main language. What makes it most difficult, even to this day, is the fact there is one lie that can be extremely difficult to detect, and that is lying to the self. To this day I realize there are things I will do in my life, and when confronted with it, I will see what looks to be truth, however blind myself with a carefully hidden lie. I do a lot of self examination of my life, especially of late, and attempt to understand what feelings and thoughts I have are really truth, and which ones are sugar coated in an attempt to protect my heart or mind from my own human nature. Usually when I catch myself doing it, I feel ashamed and disappointed. I feel as if I have failed, at least when the self lie is something big. I mean, I do not think I ever through myself into a mental loop because I thought I was thinking Arby's and it turned out I really was not.

So because of one major event that happened in my life, I decided to change myself for the better. As noted earlier, there would be another big change in my life, and this time it was not due to one but two people who at the time were important in my life. When I think back to my childhood, I remember one of my closest friends from childhood was someone I practically controlled. I remember in high school always feeling this great sense of power as well. I was the mighty trumpet player who was going to do what I wanted and you were going to deal with it, because that is the way it was back then. Much of my life from then to the point of this story is fuzzy and hazy in my memory, yet, there are some key points that I remember. So anyway, around the same time in life, two people came to me to talk about an aspect of my behavior. I am glad it was two since "the thoughts of the many outweigh the thoughts of the few". I am not sure how far apart it was that both women decided to have a chat with me about me, I really only remember that one was in my apartment, and at that time I am pretty sure that our sexual interactions were done prior to the chat. The truth can hurt, even someone who always asks for it. Being told, "Madd, I have felt you were very controlling" can sting. However, it should hurt. The best way for anyone to make a change to their own self is for it to be hurtful. For someone who does not like inflicting pain on others, or getting pain, it was a great eye opener.

As I noted in a previous entry, my heart and mind hurt due to ways I have been as a human. For the longest time, I followed a path where I treated everyone as if they were the greatest thing in my life until they gave me reason otherwise to do so. When I give deep thought to it, it feels similar to "I will give you everything you want in life until you fall asleep". I understand and know human behavior to realize, sooner or later, people fail. It was my trump card. While a part of me expressed this behavior to others, hoping to extend how nice others would be to me towards first meeting, that other deeper part wanted a way out. This is a big part of understanding that I had issues with commitment. This is the little girl in my mind who I finally realize is not ever growing up (see also A Beautiful Mind). If I truly want to move on with my life, I have to let go of the little girl (outside reference note: this "little girl" to let go is not related to any females [or males] that I know, it is a reference to my now understood fear of commitment).

Well, that was actually slightly off subject to my point, the bigger picture and reason I started writing this entry anyway. It really is time for change. It is time I take the Mirror Effect and rewrite it. There are some (citation needed) who would think my change is due to them. There are people who might even think that my change is an attempt to... get something. I certainly can understand the reason people would think this. In fact, I myself went through some tough times of self reflection to understand if I was changing myself for a person. It did not take me very long to realize this was simply another life changing alteration that I am doing to make myself a better person to the rest of the world. I have seen the pain and suffering I have inflicted on how I have been. The pain and suffering to all are temporary things, I feel. Most women who encountered the negative aspect of the Mirror Effect not only found someone else, but were able to actually start a family with someone who they (assumed) care for with their every being. I know Jessica, Bevin, and Amanda went on to have kids with people they are involved with. So it is obviously the thoughts of what I "did" are no longer something associated with pain and suffering. It would stand to reason they are not the only ones. However, there was a point in one of their lives, where pain in itself (from me), could have been avoided. I think the repeating infinite loop is "So what? They moved on." I best move on topic before I am stuck in a time loop.

So, the big plan. Well, the concept is rather simple. I already have experienced that being a human filled with emotion is going to make it more difficult to "master". Truly treat people the way I want to be treated, period. It is the positive side of the Mirror Effect. It strives on the plan that if people were being malice and pissy at me and I decide to react to that behavior, how exactly would *I* want the other party to be treating me. I mean, people have bad days. People have stress. I have fallen victim to a bad or stressful day, where people interacting with me would get the bad end of a short stick. So if someone is doing me wrong, what is the best way to react back to that person. Some times it is important to remind myself, that by being a better person, I fulfill my selfish desires of happiness, where I give myself a better purpose for existing. Being helpful to the point of clearing up stress in a person's mind, or helping a person with a situation they cannot come to a clear answer, give me a purpose in life. It is that selfish win-win situation where I feel better about myself as a person, and someone else feels better for whatever reason. A dark cloud had been hanging over my head where I was doing more things for me and almost disregarding what others might have felt about it. I certainly do not want others to use or take advantage of me in that manner, so, what logic would make me do that to others?

Is this going to be possible? Yes. Is it going to be easy? No. I already have been applying the behavior to my customers. Some of them are down right mean to me. Despite this, I go above and beyond to take care of their problems, since I know in some instances the world has kicked them when they are already down. More important, and more relevant, is the fact someone special in my life has been getting the brunt of some emotional turbulence. While I find that I have failed here and there at the start, leading to arguments or fights, my ability to place myself in the shoes of the other and realize the inflicted pain of my actions comes much sooner than later. I imagine when my heart and mind are "repaired", my ability to cope and just be the best person I can be will be a lot easier. I still have an emotional trip ahead of me that I will have to deal with, one way or another.

Also since I think about it, there are some aspects of human behavior I am not sure how I would deal with. I really am not sure how I would feel if someone I cared about, and knows me, flat out lied to me. When I start dating, or am married, I really do not know how my mind would react to someone cheating on me. I am unsure how I would compose myself if someone purposefully harmed my child(ren). There are unknown things out there that my mind may not be able to grasp. I have already been caught off guard where I reacted in a way I otherwise would not like someone reacting to me. There are things that have struck me deep. I deal with it now, however did not at the time.

So, that is my master plan for myself. I hope for those who cared enough to make it this far (or were bored and had nothing else to do) realize that while I may fail in my attempts to better myself, that I am honest and true in wanting to make being around me more enjoyable, and in turn, will be more enjoyable around me. I am tired. I think I will change my status from depressed to... tired.

My brain hurts.
ATHF Shake


I have learned a lot about myself. I have come to understand aspects of my personality that otherwise were clouded to me. This is one of a few reasons why I feel calm.

It is amazing how important OJ is to me. I had talked about OJ before, and then there was no OJ, and then I was extremely sad, and then... stuff happened. However, right now, I am calm, and that is important.

I am still emotionally unstable. I still have the able to laugh and be a little closer to my home world while working. I am still scared and have some things to settle out. I am also hungry.

Well, for the first time this year (at least I think this year), and who knows when before, Wii Fat reports that I am not fat. It appears I have lost around 12 - 14 lbs. So I am glad to report that my metabolism still works. It also appears that at some point around 16:10 or so that I got my actual appetite back. Back in the day, back in an apartment of lots of stuff, I think I had some bouts where I was not eating. However, that was not a lack of wanting to, that was an issue of... priority. I did not ever have food around, did not ever cook anything back then, and could not even get to my stove half of the time.

Hmm... I guess all of my radar is not broken after all. I am not sure that is a good thing or not.