I Want Head

ache to not be here. It's strange, as if I was drinking hard last night, yet I didn't. I think I had 4 beers, maybe 3, I guess I am just dehydrated. This is what I get for attempting... ah, yes, caffeine headache, that's it. Ugg... I am hungry, think it is time to eat.

Here it is, your moment of zeny...


I'm Just Here So I Don't Get Fined

My last post humors me... a lot. Also, a lot of things have changed, while a lot remains the same. I mean, Jarin is still alive. Granted, he is 8 going on 16, however he is alive nevertheless. That word makes no sense.

I mentioned something about health, and ironically that is why I'm here (no, not really... it's that Jew Card). I remember the first time I was forced to put paper to pen. I was a Freshman, and it was Engrish at Tri-Center. I believe the teacher was Mr Burke. I had that silly book thing, and would watch where the magic star was placed. I had to write up to that point. At first I would get creative with writing the same words over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. I could not cut and paste like I just did for 74% of that text. I would right the same word, or whatever, however after a while, I got to getting into it. You were called JOHD because that is how it started. It was hell being forced to write. That would change. It's no coincidence that when plugged as the name of a video game character, JOHD was always a "healer" of sorts. That leads me to the round about way of why I am here. I think I already said that.

So my health plan has a way to make free money. One thing is to join a gang, er, Mission. They had a "write in a journal" as one of the non horrible things to do (because why the phuck would I cut out fat, sugar, or exercise when I can sit on my ass all day?) and I decided to pick that up. It states it can help with mood, stress, productivity, self-awareness, and wellness. The self-awareness intrigues me since my third to last bullet point last post (504 days ago, or as I like to call it 12,096 hours ago) mentioned this. I remember doing a lot of writing to the point it could stress me out or alter my mood, because I would be reminded of some of the bad things in life. I mean, I keep everything because everything will remind me of things I otherwise would forget, and if there is one thing I apparently do not like it is to forget things. What was I talking about? No seriously, I was answering a question and I don't remember.

Oh yeah, I get "paid" to write. Now, technically I can flip a switch and say I do it, like many others most likely do, however we know that's not how I roll. So the strange twist that is 12,097 hours of passage comes full circle... or half circle... or 68 degrees of dodecahedron. Writing is supposed to help mood, but I guess that is only if you don't go back and read it (that's what I was talking about).

Here it is, your moment of xeno...

Journal of...

Hello, JOHD. I remember when you were a small booklet type thing many years ago. I very well could have told you this once before, however I truly have no clue. I would be here for over a decade attempting to catch up to you, so I am going to just let you know... ah...

  • I have a kid, Jarin, who is now 7 and starting 2nd grade today (yeah, I know you know Jarin, I just wanted you to know I have not killed him yet).

  • I am single.

  • I started working out.

  • I got promoted to manager of now CenturyLink (I'll still tag it Qwest).

  • I have a 2010 Ford Fusion hybrid.

  • If I act absolutely professional and above business proper to someone who I know, then I no longer consider them a friend.

  • I am currently in debt due to taking care of multiple third parties.

  • It's raining outside.

  • I own non-Wal-Mart cookware.

  • I do not masturbate anywhere close as much as I use to (shh... don't tell anyone, JOHD).

  • My common reply to people who ask me how I am is, "I'm surviving" (and not a single human has picked up where I got that from yet).

  • I am currently totting a Samsung Galaxy 4, and still use my Moto Bionic for gaming and Jarin.

  • I own a Wii U.

  • Sparky's mom died Saturday.

  • I actively program in VBS.

  • I no longer have any living biological grandparents.

  • I probably have bed bugs.

  • I have people who live in my basement.

  • After chasing Baxter around on Oct 27th, I tripped on a hose and dislocated my pinky, permanently rendering it dislocated.

  • For the first time ever, I properly spelled permanently without spell check or looking it up... and I did it again.

  • My current song obsessions are Adder's Lair (Sonic All Star Racing Transformed) and Eternal Champions Perpetual Motion.

  • I broke my mower by running it with little/no oil in it.

  • I started my Planet Fitness workout routine 140818.1x.

  • I can actually tolerate beer other than Bud Light.

  • "Boobs" is not a tag; it is now.

  • I am going to slowly move to a non-processed food diet.

  • My procrastination is at an insane high.

  • I have not played FFXI for over a year (yet have been paying for service this entire time, meaning it might be time to take my Jew card away from me).

  • My new phone game obsession is Valkyrie Crusade.

  • My favorite chord is Am7b5.

  • Every time I spell "Valkyrie Crusade" I have to look up the word "Valkyrie" to ensure I properly spelled it.

  • I am an active Redditor.

  • "Bacon" is not a tag; it is now.

  • [140113.1x] I am a moderator of the 3rd largest NSFW subreddit (beaten only by gonewild and NSFW).

  • Robin Williams killed himself and Paul Walker died in a car wreck of all things.

  • I've officially renamed Facebook as "MyFace" (and have to remind myself to rename that tag appropriately).

  • My OCD is at an insane high.

  • I have plummeted in the art of taking care of myself at a level I don't even want to get into right now.

  • I still love boobs.

  • Mt Dew is going to slowly be eliminated from my diet (please don't let me read that).

  • I still love bacon.

  • I took my first company paid business trip a couple months ago.

  • I have had sex with a feminist.

  • Some of these tags bring up some interesting memories; some of these tags confuse the fuck out of me.

  • I search with bing... for the money (so I guess I get to keep my Jew card).

  • I have started welcoming death (irony when you see how much I am putting into making myself better).

  • I made an extremely important discovery about myself and depression and other things of that nature. I think I will end with my important discovery.

  • I stand corrected, the last thing I am leaving with is the fact I had to correct words I typed for consistency in order to maintain order with the OCD Demon™.

  • Hello there, Madd here again. The number of red squiggly lines I see due to "spelling errors" (i.e. the HTML coding) is close to putting me in a comma (yes, comma).

  • I absolutely am miserable when I am not myself. If there is anything in this world that impedes my ability to be myself, then I will not be happy. This is especially true in a relationship, and that does not even have to involve a sexual relationship. However, speaking of the sexual kind, I have found all of my recent exes have done just that; they did not allow me to truly be myself. It is that women attempting to change men thing. If I remember the saying right, "Men get into a relationship liking what they see and expecting it not to change. Women get in a relationship and and expect to change what they don't like." If that is not a saying, it certainly should be, as it's true from about every observation I have assimilated.

    So, it is important that I stay true to myself. If there ever comes a time where I would have to change to be around someone, then I would have to say they are someone I would just move away from. Other than that, I'm sorry for leaving you for so long, and I will hopefully talk to you soon... oh wait! I have been informed by the OCD Demon™ I am missing two things; first off all OCD infused humans MUST put lists in a bullet form. Please hold... processing... ahh, complete. I even finished tagging. That only took a decade. LMAO, dear fucking word I love reading old entries. This is the reason I must never stop doing this.

    On my final note, here it is, your moment of Zen...

    MyFace Messenger


    Traffic Blocked: For Her Pleasure

    People like to be right. There are some who like to be right all the time. I have been accused of this, and it makes me sad to think that people who should know who I am hold onto this outdated stigma of my existence, or are close-minded to the situation at hand. I am not always right. I am frequently right, and I am because under most situations, I think before I attempt to back something up. I find there are two instances when I don’t: I’m drunk or I’m angry.

    First, let’s look at the phenomenon at hand. The largest population of people who have to always be right do so subconsciously. This makes it prone to ego defense mechanisms. Human history tends to show what happens in a whole when someone feels attacked or threaten by something. They defend. In fact, animals even show this. Ever attempt to give a cat a "simple" bath? You would swear you were about to put some cats in a meat grinder and feed them to the dog. So when someone goes against an opinion, people take it as a personal attack. Most people who are attacked want to fight back. It brings me to the thoughts of my own anger.

    Through my years, I find that when I get upset, I tend to think less logically and more emotionally. Someone who lives in a world of logic will generally mess up coming at it emotionally, just like someone who lives in a world of emotion will mess things up coming at life with logic. It is not that there is anything wrong with living emotionally or logically. The more you are with one, the less you will be able to define life with the other... at least, when it comes to the world of debating or argument.

    Alcohol lowers judgment and inhabitations. I’m no exception. It has taken me an extremely long time, and a lost friendship or two, however I finally realized that while emotions come out as I have acquired drink, some of those are based off the wrong information. However, getting angry or upset I find does EXACTLY the same thing. If for whatever reason I am pissed off about something, the way I argue is identical to me being drunk. Being angry has effects on the body and brain. Again, I am no exception to this. Most people have heard of "flight or fight". If not, well, your education has failed you. When you get upset and stress your body, your brain releases cortisol (known in the world of making names way too long as "hydrocortisone"). This is a steroid hormone. This can affect memory. For anyone who notices you are arguing with someone who seems to "forget what they just said", cortisol can inhibit memory retrieval of already stored information. Sound familiar (if your angry right now, most likely not). Prolonged, anger can also block the growth of new neurons in the brain, causing neuronal death or depression. This can cause learning difficulties.

    People who are angry are more likely to show signs of correspondence bias. This is an overestimate the effect of personality and underestimate the effect of the situation in explaining behavior. You can see this in about every case of road rage, where someone cuts you off, and your first thought is how the person simply has no driving skills, when in Reality, it could be something totally unrelated, like you being in their blind spot.

    So anyone who truly knew me as me, would know I certainly do not think I am always right. It’s discouraging that I have to work on attempts of keeping track of when I am wrong and admit it, since some force inside me feels compelled to always play Devil’s advocate. For instance, I was called a liberal and how I back up the actions of our current President, when in Reality I came across one too many instances of "If someone posted it on Facebook it must be true", over a picture of our President with a shirt that was Photoshopped. I would normally say "clearly" Photoshopped, however, if you are dealing with people who still think their computer comes with a cup holder (see also "DVD/CD Drive"), then understanding photo pixilation from a photo being edited may not be so "clearly". I can respect that. So, my original comment comes solely from the literal hundreds of comments where "Oh my gosh, look at this shirt that Obama is wearing" is the flow of the thread, and my retaliation is, "Learn what Photoshop is before you post your ignorance." For reference, since Obama is generally a fun (ha!) topic to bring up, my thoughts and opinions on him are the same it is for any politician. He is going to lie at times, and sometimes he will have a valid reason to do it while others he will do it to save his own ass. As Agent Kay said, "There's always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or a Corillian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe out all life on this miserable little planet, and the only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!" Since it has been proven to me that some people I associate with don’t understand the Engrish language, or I don’t know how to translate what’s in my head to the Engrish language, or a little of both, I translate: while I don’t think it right, in any way, to lie about things, there comes a point where you simply do not pass on information you know. "Hey honey, I know you did not ask if the clothes you are wearing makes you look fat, however since I have an opinion on it, I thought I would give you a heads up that it does." "Hey sweetie, I realize you just spent $300 for a makeover, and you did not ask for my opinion, but I wanted to inform you that you may wish to call the cops, because you look like shit in it, and it would appear you were robbed."

    I once (more than) had a debate with my girlfriend in terms of lying, where not presenting information is constituted as a lie. I don’t think less of her, or say she is not smart (in fact, I think she is smart, and knows things I have no clue of). I will state however that *every* definition of a lie has shown me "deliver/speak a false statement" in some way or form. Last time I checked, not saying a word on something is not delivering or saying anything. Even if I was in an open relationship with a woman and asked for her to tell me of any sexual encounter she has without me having to ask, she agrees, and then she has sex with someone, and down the road I ask and she says, "Yes, I had sex with..." does not make that person a liar. Deceitful, untrustworthy, to name a few, sure, why not. A liar? That person is not a liar unless when they AGREED to tell me they realized they had no intention to. If the person had the intention when she said "yes I will tell you without asking", however when the time came she just couldn't do it, then no, not a liar.

    So reverting to my original point, to anyone who thinks I am always right, I am not. If you think I think I am, then you are either using old information (which is about as smart as using the very first version of any software on your computer and never upgrading any of it), observing me in an altered state, or simply catching me on one of those times I am human. Still not perfect. While "no one likes to be wrong", I find being wrong a way to better myself to get it right. This is why I don't agree with people who are so hard strung to say I never like being wrong. If you are wrong, and you want to resolve something, then you have to give it thought, and anyone who really does know me, should have the smarts to see that "thinking" is something I like to do (sometimes too much of it).

    Also, I thought it important to note, I farted at some point today.

    It Already Happened

    I think it interesting how much I went into my Life Force fetish to run across the fact the very second entry I made was about it. It also made me remember another game I enjoyed, but not as much, even though that game was also a female dog to play. It is also nice to see my TNG fascination has been going on for many moons.

    I am extremely unmotivated to do anything. Even getting myself to play FFXI can be a rather big deal in life. That is saying a lot. I am not sure if I care much for life, as in, it could be over at any time and I would not panic on the thought. Well, there is always some form of panic, but not really as much as a human with self preservation would otherwise have. I am pretty sure I don't have to be put on a suicide watch, so anyone concerned can stand down. Reading old entries, it makes me really happy that at some point in my life I did that. I use to keep awesome records of my life, and I find it fascinating to travel back to those periods. It is similar to my collection of pictures, chats, and everything else that I "pack rat". With memories being one of the base necessities of my own existence. Is it still considered "bad" to hoard memories? Maybe the time I was documenting every time I had a bowel movement was a bit excessive, however, I think I understand the point my mind was attempting to make to itself. Then again, I find my mind does an excellent job of defeating me. Hmm... being attacked by a brain... does this remind you of anything? How interesting I hear "Poison of Snake" right as I start talking about it. This shit isn't scripted, folks.

    There are only two things I have truly gotten rid of that I otherwise would have kept. I delete almost all photos that have any sort of blur, since my OCD does not tolerate that shit at all, not even of my own child. Another, well, is still debated and my overwhelming sense of procrastination makes me want to put off even talking about it. I can do it tomorrow. Even though it will be some time after that... like, when I am dead or something.

    I want to reboot my brain...

    Ask Not What Your Country Can Dew For You

    Narg!! I am, wore out. I decided to remove Mt Dew from my diet, and by diet I obviously mean 52oz a day for five days a week is doing to make me die. If memory serves me well, which it rarely does, this will be the second time I have removed it from my routine. If there is one thing I know about caffeine, it is, well, a few things.

    I use to think that my body naturally produces it. When I intake a lot, it means my body goes "oh look, where did all this caffeine come from? I guess you don’t need me to make it for you anymore.” I am not sure where I got that information, however, everywhere I check seems to debunk this. The FDA states more than 4 cups of coffee each day is too much. My research on the subject (today) shows me that caffeine can be helpful for the body. In fact, it can help fight Parkinson’s and certain forms of cancer. Seeing how cancer has a hard on for my family, it may be time for me to pick up coffee drinking. The only problem I see with that is that I don’t want to make coffee at home since I would not drink that much. Oh yeah, and there is that whole not liking the taste of it at all thing going on as well.

    So moderate consumption a day is suggested, which translates to about 100-200 mg a day. Mt Dew has 55 mg per 12 oz, and my cups go to 52 oz meaning I take in 238 mg a day when I have one of my “golden green tall boys”. Coffee is 60-150 mp per 5 oz, while Dr Pepper is 61 mg per 12 oz. Wait, what? Dr Pepper has more caffeine than Dew? TIME TO HIT QT!! :D

    Well, this also goes to show how I can think I am right about something, as I was sure your body made caffeine, yet I am wrong. There's a tag for that, right?

    Pick it up for...

    As most humans who know me, they know I am a gamer. Being a gamer might have something to do with my brain’s fixation on technology at an extremely young age. It could be due to ties that I have with my childhood, as having a connection with something in most people’s past is important to them. Some might say that most important adult goals have their roots in childhood memories. Others would say that every day adult life is touched by the memories of childhood experiences, or that our grown up fears were the spawn of childhood thoughts, as well as our anxieties, and that our most negative adult views of our persona stem from extreme younger memories. What no one seems to figure out, from my research, is the reason all of these things are true.

    Right now, I am listening to Life Force (NES) RRemixed – Part 1 of 2 / Part 2 of 2. It takes, what is one of my favorite games of all times, and mixes them together in an extremely different and unique way. Life Force, by all comparison to today’s games, is really nothing of a game. You have a few stages, where the stage boss is about as difficult to defeat as it is difficult for me to determine if I am going to wear a Floyd shirt for the day or not. The music is impressively done to the game, and the remixes I have come across in my life on this planet have been massively impressive. I have done a LOT to find as much music as I can from the game in the many forms, both official (Konami and their reuse of music in various games) and unofficial (people well beyond more talented than I ever could be that take an 8-bit melody and turn it into an orchestration of heavenly proportions). I get all motating and gyrating about, with goosebumps, and sometimes absolutely zone off into space. I might forget the fact my life means nothing in the grand scheme of things, or that as an adult I have all this responsibility I am suppose to deal with. Life is much easier to contend with when I can just hop into my Vic-Viper and blow shit up.

    While I cannot explain for the life of me the reason my attached memories are as they are to me, at least in this case I can remember something about them. Back in the day when I was in Council Bluffs, my mother use to take me to the local arcade at the Mall of the Bluffs. There was this fun game I kind of liked. I cannot find it or remember the name of it for the life of me. It was a multiplayer game where you were flying ships, and would shoot at things, and when there was another player you could “attach” your ship to their ship. I enjoyed that game, because it was a fun game to play with other people. However, there was a game I loved EVEN MORE. For the “life” of me (pun intended), I cannot remember the reason I enjoyed it so much. The game was damn well impossible to beat, and took a lot of quarters. I actually do not remember this part of it, I only take it from the fact when I play it on MAME that I know how damn impossible it is. The game is the Konami sequel to Gradius; Life Force. “Flame eruption!” The game was released sometime around 1986(? debated), meaning I was 12-13 when the game came out in arcades.

    It really shows what kind of mother I had, given the fact she was not only pumping quarters to me, but also standing there watching as I played the game. In fact, while I am not exactly sure the reason it happened, I was unable to use my “good hand” at one point, making playing the game near impossible with one hand: can’t pilot and shoot at the same time. Well, when this happened, mother decided to take over the shooting for me while I flew the Vic-Viper into victory (in all honesty, I probably was flying Vic into a fiery ball of death, destruction, and various body parts seeing how I was flying around inside a living organism.) I cannot remember some of the most important aspects of my existence, yet this thought is stuck into my mind.

    I also remember that I saved up a lot of money for my NES. Back in the day when I was this age, saving up money was a big thing. When I finally had enough money saved and wanted to get one, my parental units decided to get the system for me, as well as one game. I don't remember why, nor what I did with the extra money. However, I do know that the first game I bought with my NES was Life Force. One thing I was not prepared for back then was the extreme difference between an arcade game and counsel game. This NES game I played was nothing like the arcade game past level 1. Little did I know at the time how wonderful an experience this would be. Also, for the first time I could finally consistently beat this game! This is the first game I would learn the Konami Code from. It would also be the first time I would have a "game within a game". Any gamer has their "game within a game" with their favorite games. The stage four - Cell Stage 2 boss, Skull, would come at you with bullets everywhere. After doing enough damage, his eyes would fly out at you. At one point playing this game over and over, I decided to fly around him to get away from his bullets to find that when I was on top of the screen and his last eye popped out, he would constantly fire towards the top of the screen. The only thing I had to worry about was his crazy eyes coming after me. However, once they were destroyed, I could just sit there, doing absolutely nothing. I think it is one of my favorite game within a game tricks. Maybe it has something to do with the fact I figured it all out by myself. After all, there was no Internet then as Al Gore had not invented it yet. It could simply be due to the strange brain configuration I have that makes some things extremely amusing. It could also be due to the fact the music hits certain parts of my brain. If I am dyslexic, then it would be interesting in how music works on me since it is generally processed in the right hemisphere of the brain, affecting hormones, encouraging the production of cortisol, testosterone, and oxytocin (the "love drug"). I have heard music being used as "therapy" for dyslexia. There could be a pattern there. Of course, I could be beyond crazy, so, who knows. Dyslexia would cause timing difficulties in music. I happen to excel in the "art" of music. I know one common symptom of one with dyslexia is an attempt to overcompensate for things. Mentally pushing myself to excel in music could be an effect of this. It might also explain my obsession with 24 hour time.

    Maybe something happened to me that I don't remember in my experiences with Life Force. After all, my memory seems to be confused on certain time line events. My mother was no longer living in Council Bluffs when I went to Tri-Center my Freshman year (1988-1993). Information shows the game should have been released in August 1, 1988, when I would have been 13.5 years old. The NES was released in Oct 18, 1985. Now, if memory serves me, which it rarely does, I ended up with the Action Set that was released in 1988, because I had Duck Hunt and a light zapper (still have both to this day). So maybe my only real confusion is how Life Force is release in 1988 in the States so late. Of course, another source shows 1987 in the States. I will add it all to my large list of questions for God when I see Him.

    I am really thankful Stingray is as into this game as he is. I wonder how he got into it. I know he was a Gradius champ.

    Sneak Attack

    Okay, so, let’s see. My life is equal to what I make of it, and what I make of it is what I made of it. I never got into my former fiancé and what happened there. I know I said a lot of "kick ass" things about her in the past. That is because, at some point, there was some truth to what I was saying. Of course, if you ever want to know how a relationship is, take a look at it when something is fucked up, not when the boat is running smooth in calm waters. Titanic, feel free to take notes.

    I think when someone can pick apart your very name and make fun of it, that shows what you are dealing with. If you back someone who does the same, again, that shows the mentality and function of that person's higher cognitive functioning. I also think it is safe to say, that you can take a look at a person's past, as well as those relationships in that past that go beyond an intimate nature, and thus get an understanding of someone.

    I am strong. I am weak. I have a weakness. I could be classified as a FFXI NM (notorious Maddness). Let's see, how would I get documented in a FFXI wiki;

    Zone: Logoic Plane / Irrational Zone (when in rage);
    Level: ?;
    Drops: Pink Floyd paraphernalia (100%), Video Game music (89%), psychological babble (100%)x2;
    Steal: none;
    Spawns: 1;

    Notes: B, BS, C, T(H) (B = Aggressive with possible link to beer, BS = Aggressive to bullshit, C = Aggressive and links to child, T(H) = True Honesty);

    Spawn Conditions: Generally spawns around 41° 36' 2" N by 93° 36' 32" W. Random lottery spawn due to specific timed events, also a forced spawn during "work" events.

    Special Abilities: Draw In - Madd occasionally will draw in new players with uniqueness abilities. The fascination of being unique and different can catch some new players off guard; Insane Babble - Madd will spew forth "random strangeness" (citation needed) that confuses players into just giving up. This is a special ability with no warning, and many times Madd will not even realize he is using this powerful attack; Other abilities currently unknown or secret.

    Further notes: Madd is difficult to charm with illogic. However, when his "Jarin" summon is spawned and attacked (mentally or physically), Madd changes from the "Logoic Plane" into the "Irrational Zone". Also, Madd can be charmed in other manners when the player uses "Reward" on his "Jarin" summon, or attacks with "Floyd". Special courting note; attacking with "Floyd" will generally cause the opposite results intended by the player. Also, when Madd is under the effect of "Bio(logical clock)", extremely susceptible to charm. When claimed under the effect of "beer", aggros to BS and C extremely easily, causing possible rage in minutes. It is recommended to not claim while under the effect of "beer" with wither BS or C. Claim with video game, Floyd, logic, or music instead to avoid rage effect.


    -Cannot solo Madd under any level unless able to balance "Reward" with "Jarin" summon. Must have "Reward" skill capped.
    -defeated as Ex. While under the effect of "Bio", started off as easy fight. Able to rage against Madd and use illogic and still was winning since "Bio" effect made most attacks by Madd ineffective. Unfortunately "Bio" effect wore off, and Persistent skill was not high enough. Eventually was defeated and moved on.
    -defeated as former fiancé. Started off fight immediately using Reward on "Jarin" summon. Got to engaged stage, however, unable to hold due to low persistent skill. Gave up and left unclaimed, causing Madd to return to Spawn point.
    -defeated as many other. Usually defeated when too much agro via BS. Many will attack with "boobies", however T(H) will generally see through people using BS.
    -currently claimed by Girlfriend. Started fight with "Reward" on "Jarin". Also used "FFXI" spawn point which lowered charm resistance.

    (people unfamiliar with the FFXI who actually read this far and want to understand the "humor" of this parody may wish to visit )

    Yeah, okay, this is almost as cool as my Jesus FFXI NM I was going to do a long time ago around Easter. Of course, Jesus is cooler than me, so, it is not like I am comparing. Then again, recently a customer who I talked to for 1 hour 52 minutes and 37 seconds kept telling me I felt I was God. However, translating the above, and going back to what I was actually talking about since I actually remember, my last relationship "started" from a simple IM, where I sent a comment to her and she to me at the same time. At least, I would if I could remember. I started this post a few months ago. I know the whole FFXI thing really got my motor running, as it normally does. If I remember, I believe I was attempting to wrap up some loose ends from my past. I am conflicted between two "super" powers. I am not sure if I want the ability to never require sleep, or having perfect memory. Not ever being tired is extremely difficult to pass up. I could give up any form of caffeine stimulant. However, my very definition of life revolves around what I remember, and the ability to remember everything or to jot something down, and then forget it forever unless I "re-read" it. There are many things that clog my mind that I cannot seem to shake. When I was visiting and happy in TX, my ex was always there. She had been there for about a year after our bad fallout also. I was not sure how to remove the thoughts from my head, and having to keep tabs on Jarin obviously made it beyond impossible to just forget she ever existed. I think a part of it deals with me growing a spine, but doing so at the most inopportune time. I most likely could have benefitted from having a spine and being able to stick up for myself around the age of... 14 or so. Waiting until child and 30+, not so much. So when I grow a spine and decide I am not going to be walked on anymore, it appears to cause me to replay all these times where I was treated disrespectfully. I am sure it also played a part in my ex fiancé. I mean she at least benefitted from what I learned from my ex. I also feel I really know what I want from in life, regarding someone else. I have narrowed it down to what I feel is "a few basic principles".

    When I was younger and most of my life growing up, I was picked on because I was different. As shown throughout the history of man-kind, when you are not like all those around you, then you get looked at different. Ask any black person from the Rosa Park era. Ask any "the world is round" from the Columbus era. Ask any burnt crispy corpse in Salem, Ipswich, and Andover in the 1692 era. Ask any alien that visits us in the future and lives here in the... not yet happened era. If humans can't understand it, they shun, ridicule, or shoot it. I was not shot at as a kid however... oh wait, no sorry I take that back. I remember something about a crossbow being shot at towards me when I lived in Council Bluffs one time when I was mowing. Then again, maybe that happened to a friend of mine? I am starting to feel like Cloud being confused with Zack. Well, again see a reason why perfect memory is top on my list.

    It's in My Other Pants

    Soo... yes, I know, been a while, and I generally say that, and then go for a few, and then disappear. Welcome to the wonderful world of me. It is not so wonderful, actually, but oh well, that is how it rolls around here. Dear flipping, so many things, so little time and even less memory.

    Jarin lost a tooth. Like, in more than one way he lost a tooth. His tooth came out the day before my anniversary. That makes me wonder, did you even know I was dating someone JOHD? Where in the world did we last leave off? Hmm... I better go check. Please hold, listening to this awesome music, while I find out... let's see, working on web site, cleaning garage... financial disaster... and a shitload of Twitter things. So yes, Jarin lost his tooth, and then he claims he left it on his desk or something. He most likely is lying through his ass, he seems to do that a lot more now than he use to. I have failed as a parent. It does not matter if I rarely get to see him, because that also is a failure of me, however, I think I have beat up myself quite well to you about that.

    My job, well, there is definitely uncertainty with it. I didn't tell you that I got a temporary promotion. I was actually welcomed to the ranks of management. Yes! That is right, the place was run by Maddness™. Hahaha!! It was actually a shot I was selected. I only say that due to how management and myself have clashed in the past. I have this thing about people taking responsibility for their actions. As a lowly monkey answering a phone and flipping buttons, I had plenty of things to be help accountable for, yet I did not see it to the people over me. Well, I got to be one of those people. It was publicly announced on Maddate 120730.18 @ 15:27. I was, obviously, shocked. I mean I also had at least one other person I thought who could do the job better than I could have done the job. So, it was good times. At one point I took the assessment to make it permanent (I still cannot spell this word, and I still mutilate it to the point that spell check cannot find the right word). I either do not have the ability to seat an upper management staff on a table shaped like an octagon within three minutes, or, my inability to be consistent got the best of me. The thing with asking me "which of these two best is you" a whole set of times, with you repeating answers in a different way, is not that I am faking your answer as much as the way you word something changes it completely to me, thus making something else more or less important. That is how my brain works. Deal with it? Oh yeah, I guess you really don't have to do that, do you.

    Permanent, permanent, permanent, permanent, permanet (hey don't auto correct that, I am practicing), permanent, permanent, permanent, permanent, permanent... okay, I think I have it for the next five minutes.

    I did a little work in the basement, and I saw an old paper version of you! Dear word, JOHD, I really think I did not like my steps. I said some of the most unusual things for me. It is interesting how absolute hatred came about from me, then disappear for a little over a decade, and then I get it back. Also ran across a laptop, about the same size as my desktop, the background screen is adjusted with a slider, running win95, and taking about 8 minutes to boot up. Memories! Oh yeah, dead mice also.

    I don't remember anything terribly horrific to report regarding my ex. As memory (doesn't) serve, nothing special going on there, and no need to put money aside for a hitman, even though as I am informed direct from the source, "don't think I haven't thought about and played out the scenario in my head MANY times...". Well, touché as I told her, I have more than done the same on my end also. Tit for tat. I actually talked to my boss about my ex. It was an analogy used for "no matter how one human being is in any relationship, no single one person can be held accountable for everything." Oh yeah, that reminds me, two people who use to be my friends no longer really are due to that. I have decided to take a stand for myself since I use to always take it in the rear without consideration to my own well being. Unfortunately, some people will find, that the timing to me doing this does not coincide with the extravagant timing of pending life perils with their Reality. Fucking sucks to be them, eh? My life I have been a punching bag, and at some point, a little too late, I decided to say to hell with that. I deserve happiness just as much as the next person.

    So, anyway, moving on. Oh, my desk is relocated, permanently. I SPELLED IT CORRECTLY, FIRST TRY! It was over five minutes, also, sweet flipping beans. Anyway, there is a lot more I guess I have to write. I more than know I cannot sum up my girlfriend in just an entry. I know she deserves well beyond that. She persona certainly includes something different than I have interacted with before, and for the most part, that is a blessing. I hope I remember how to write more...
    • Current Music
      "The Mall", Graeme Norgate, "Timesplitters OST"
    • Tags

    ... and Don't Call Me Surely

    Well, slowly and uncertainly, I am working on my website again. It seems like most things in my life, where I start to work on it, get it going in a great direction, then something in my brain shuts off and I end up dropping it or putting it on some form of indefinite hold. My website should not really be that important. As I type, I realize that the information is going to go to “those other popular sites”, so, why bother spending… um… $170 bi yearly, or whatever it is I am paying (Madd, $7.77 a month for two years is $186.48… you are welcome). I think writing is the absolute best example of this problem, or maybe brushing my teeth… no wait, praying to God, yeah, you don’t do that every day, and I am certain you get a little bad karma here and there for that. Oh, not that you don’t deserve it or anything.

    So, happiness comes when I work on my site. Maybe it is me being productive. Maybe it is me doing something productive on something that means to little now. I can do a lot of things, however, my site really does not have a lot of the cool happiness that major sites can offer. When CrapSpace was around, I had the noble ability to claim, “I am not that crappy site”. I also still have the ability to claim that, there are no ads on my site. At least, for the most part. Every now and then, I have a game, or a tool bar, or whatever that comes with an ad here or there, however, I am not putting the ads on their directly. I even have an AdSense account with Google. I am not sure the reason for that, as I do not ever plan to use it.

    I use to have games, however after the last issue with my forums, I found out the mod I was using was no longer being used. Yes, I still have all the scores and all the database information, and I even have the games still hanging around there. However, I do not have the forum integration files required to make them all work. I think I can get them back, yet again it brings it to why come to Madd’s World to play simple flash games when you can play with all your 200+ friends on that other site? What was it called, Sausage Link? Oh no wait, that is another conversation about 15+ years ago, sorry for the confusion.

    So, the house. Falling apart still, yes. The drain issue is fixed, and if it ever comes back, thanks to my brilliant father, I will know how to correct it. Heater was replaced, as I am not sure I ever told you this. The windows are still FAQed up. As it is not winter, that should not be as big of a problem. However, the fact I currently have no AC would be an issue, especially if summer gets back for the lack of winter. Speaking of heater, the water heater (also known as the hot water heater to most people, not that I would ever buy a device to heat water that is already hot, even though I could maybe see a warm water heater) is acting up. The gas company came out and verified that gas is flowing naturally to the home. Father will most likely be getting me an early birthday/Christmas present by paying for the AC and water heater. That would be fantastic. It was nice that yesterday marked the first time in a while my cash was above my debt (by like $30). This, of course, was before the $2051 I paid in property tax today. So back into the negative I go.

    Holy crap! The world will not believe it, however I started working on my garage yesterday. It is only the one side, however, seeing as it has been over four plus years, I would say that is saying something. I put the things back to the side of the garage, but was able to throw quite a few things out, and of course, sweep and cleaned all the dirt and crap that was sitting there. I also was able to clear off a lot of the spider webs hanging on the sides. So, really, slowly but surely, I am getting there…