Madd Martin L Kroeger (madd74) wrote,
Madd Martin L Kroeger
madd74

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Strength is Good, Alertness Better

Madd’s log, I am tired, so tired, I cannot believe my own brain cells attacked me.  Maybe if I occupy my mind, with more duties, I can control my... SpAcE mAdDnEsS

I remember quite a few entries with this quote, JOHD, in fact, your first form was exposed to this.  That was back in the day that Ren & Stimpy were actually cool.  “Space Maddness” still stands out as one of the top classics of all time.

I really am, however, and feel my brain cells have attacked me.  There is some catching up in important email and comments that I would like to read, even for a first time, however, I also find that school is finally taking its toll.

I was really filled with energy, and I must say, I was proud of myself.  I was able to get less sleep than usual, but by the time I was at class, I was alert and ready.  Today is NOT the case and I have reading of two books, a paper tomorrow, and a bigger paper on Friday due.  There is no vacation at work for today, and I am not sure if there is going to be any for the week.  I already took off Friday however my paper is due before that time can be utilized.  On the bright side, for once, I have a Saturday off.  I am burnt up.  Oddly enough, the effects due to Sewcute, Gretl, and Arwen interaction are not contributing to my burnt out effect.  It is specifically school.  However, there are important issues with all three that I would love to address at this very moment, but in doing so I end up... having to make a choice.  Even taking on just one of these three is going to consume more time than I have for school, sleep, and work.

Work is unavoidable... I have been attempting to take some vacation time to lighten up the load to allow for projecting ahead for school.  This in turn would give me time to address other issues.  Problem is, work is screwing us all over, first in the loss of our Saturday rotation, meaning there is no clue what Saturdays we are going to work.  YES, UNION, THIS IS THE REASON I WILL NOT BELONG TO YOUR SORRY ARSES AND YOU WILL NOT GET MY MONEY CONSIDERING THERE IS A MASSIVE CONTRACT BREACH THAT YOU ALL DO NOT SEEM TO GIVE A FUCK ABOUT SO STOP FUCKING PUTTING MY NAME ON FLIERS BECAUSE YOUR BULLSHIT PSYCHOLOGICAL TACTICS WILL WORK ON ME THE SAME DAY I BECOME PREGNANT, WIN THE LOTTO FOR OVER $400 BILLION, AND DENOUNCE GOD AND PINK FLOYD AS THE ANTICHRIST.  I have not believed in you people for various reasons, and attempting any trips of fear or guilt are NOT going to change the fact you people do not do your damn job.  While you have given many benefits to the company, MANY of those could be exchanged for other things.  So fuck off and have a nice day, hahaha.

Well... then there is school.  This is a poison I choose to pursue, and in no time soon do I foresee that any college diploma is going to further my vocational experiences.  Even if it does, that is irrelevant, since my MAIN reason for being in school at this point is purely to complete something I started 10 years ago.  It is the age old Maddian tradition of not being a quitter.  It is the timeless honor of not giving up.  Also, in doing so, the extra benefits have shown through.  I have been anywhere from 5 to 19 minutes EARLY for class.  I have been anywhere from 5 to 30 minutes EARLY for work.  That one thing I was having problems shaking, being physically on time if not early, is finally broken, and not just on a one day scale, but on an almost habitual pattern.

Another comes sleep... and sleep... is something... that if I give up, then I get what I am encountering thus far in the morning.  When I have lack of sleep, I find reading twice as hard to take in what I am saying, process the cognition of what is meant, of what I want it to mean, and what I want to retain for the future.  Basically, when I am tired and read, I am looking at blank pages of things where my mind starts to make things up.  Unfortunately, somewhere in my brain feels that I have done it so many times (given up sleep) that I can do it again.  Also, drugs (Vivrin: not a substitute for sleep) help to attempt to counteract that effect of fatigue.  I found a few days ago after boosting myself that I was thinking I was going to have a heart attack.  Ironically enough, that does not seem to stop me anyway.  Of course, the biggest thing I have seen is I have alawys felt sleep a waste of time.  The only time it is not is when I dream, and of late, my dreams are so scattered and incomplete that I find it near difficult to write down and record them as I do.

Last, and opposite of least, is the social area.  I save it for last, because I have more than three points, and in writing I find that I remember best is that I wrote last.  EVERYTHING else mentioned is tied to the last, yet the last is not necessarily tied to everything else.  Thus, in alphabetical order, I apologize, profoundly, to Arwen, Gretl, and Sewcute for not putting in more effort to address the concerns you all have had with me, or, more so true, that at some point I started to bring up and then “back” down or delayed massively.  I am sorry, and I realize some of you shall forgive me easier than others (while others not at all), I ask you keep things fresh in your mind (send me an email, write a comment, leave an IM, etc) when it comes to you, and know that I shall address it in my usual manner at some point.  School is only... 28 more hours, not including the extra time spent in reading and writing.  Some of you I shall address on a more personal level here and there.

Of course, not to be excluded from the social area are a lot of the great friends who I have come to know over the years, as many of you know who you are, there is no reason to mention your names.  Of course, I am going to anyway, once again, in alphabetical order.  Alienesse, Buddy, dITZ, Ellen/Q, Foffie, Gizmo, JacyLane, Juan, Mair, Mr Chance, NoFear, Robin/Q, Stingray, Tierra, Tina, and Zy.  I know there are many others out there... and to those I missed, I apologize.  If you actually feel... bad, sad, hurt or the like since I did not mention your name, maybe now is your chance to write me something to let me know you still exist.

On that note... I feel extra energy in my, meaning that now I feel I may be able to read this book... to where I will then be going to work, then returning home, then decided wither to sleep then and wake at 6am or attempt to go the night writing and wake up before school.

Note to self: I still believe that anything in life is possible, and getting everything situated is a big responsibility on myself that I *can* do.  I can... I can... I can... Madd can.

On a final note, for you compulsive "I want to know what is going on in Madd's life the reason I have read every single long and short entry you have ever had with JOHD" humans out there, a quick update:

I got my paper back, the first one I wrote of 6 of its kind, and got 25 of 25.
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