Madd Martin L Kroeger (madd74) wrote,
Madd Martin L Kroeger
madd74

For the Truth to be Known by the Beholder

The following is what I feel is true, and I am not the only one who shares this vision.  It is a reply to a post Arwen made in her journal.  Now, the post she made I cannot reproduce, since it was done so in a locked state, and frankly, if she has it locked she does so for a reason and that I shall respect.  However, my defense to her statement (and to set it up, the long post when I questioned everything mentioned me being a "sperm donar") was deleted.  Only a few people saw the truth, and since I knew it was going to be deleted, I saved a copy that I decided I would post when the event (it being deleted) would happen.  It references an email that I would NOT keep private, since this email sent was done so to other people (unsure how many) via a blind carbon copy.  I was not informed of this, and to my knowledge, I was the only one reading these statements.  Because of this, the email is fair game, however, the journal is not.  For anyone who has access to that list, it can be found on her journal.

I believe very strong in my reasons for doing what I do, and many times I question what I do since I am not sure if I am right or wrong.  I also think on my comments how I use to state, "If I ever got a woman pregnant I would do so a second time on purpose since I do not want a child to live the life I went through being an only child".  At the time, I did not take into consideration the type of woman I might get pregnent.  However, to this day I know the type of person who I do want to be with...

So the following was deleted.  I sense the real reason is so that only one side is known.  This is done because if both sides are known, then the people who onced backed her up and made this mysterious "biofather" look like shit (which futhers the EGO), could possibly... change their mind.  I welcome comments from any and everyone, including people I do not know.  Even if you manage to prove that from what I said I am an evil human being, and I can assure you as with 99% of my posts, it shall not be deleted.  Also take into consideration, that it is not mentioned that I am 100% the 23 genetic blocks... it is just the way things have been going, the only real way to know that truth is to wait for the birth.

... and I can post this since it no longer exists in the private post and is of my own words...

Like I require an excuse :D

(when I post a definition of integrity it will become more apparent)

================
I feel, and granted, I'm still attempting to make sure I exist proper, that you have felt this way before you were pregnent. It appears you have had things thought out for some time, and it is this line of thinking that makes me feel how I do, and what added the short comment to an otherwise... painful existance that I was living. The odd thing, Arwen, is before I could do anything to truly help you in any way, you already had your mind set that you were going to go through this alone. If you think on the "I was not good enough", this is something that you layed down and did on your own accord. I never asked to be lied to, and frankly, with such an important thing as bringing a child into the world, honesty, at its strongest level, in my eyes, is something I feel is important. I will share a little story as to why I feel this way.

I am a product of a woman who lied to a man about being able to have a child. In this case, it was a woman who purposely skipped their birth control. The funny thing (well, to me at least) is that the man to this day does not know how he was decived. No, the man did a lot of things that in almost any other instant I would think he should rot in a corner alone for the rest of his life, however, then I see the situation and what was done to him, and think... well... that is a long road and I do not have the time. Let me share with you an piece of email you sent, when you said, "For one, I am NOT a sharing-type person. I backed off from you because it hurt to see and hear that you were in love..." now, while this was said, in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM did you bother to inform me that you were "involved" and had been with someone else. You also added "I felt betrayed". How about the fact you lied about condom use with other?

As expected, you only tell you side, or quite possibly, you only just see your side. As an example, you state "but yet I was okay to sleep with..." and you do not mention the fact, or maybe you forget, how reluctent I was to sleep with you in the first place. Not that I thought you were ugly, nor that I thought you were a bad person or anything. But because, I was not sure yet who you were, and I did not want to give any false impressions to you. In case you forgot, you were more than willing in that area, and we even had talked about the whole fact before. Maybe you do not remember... or maybe you do not care, I am not sure anymore. Arwen, I had nothing wrong with you, nor did I see anything really wrong with you, until the multitude of decite started to come into play. I was taken aside by someone who cared and was informed of information that you presented that was very opposite from what happened. I still have the chat in case you would like to refresh your memory.

"While I realize that I'm not the easiest person to understand and/or get along with"... never so much could I have seen how true this was, but I will say this much... I do not hate nor despise you, no matter how much you think I may.

I know how much you have wanted a child. I have seen this drive in women before, and in quite a few of my psychology classes learn the biological clock factors that also can help drive it.

I wish your child well. I wish you well. The fact I play no role as father is because I see similar that happened here that happened in my own birth, and I think how long it took me to come to terms with BOTH my parents, since it was nice the one wanted me, but very not cool in the way she went around to achieve it. As for the father, I can understand the reason he was hurt, however, the way he handled it (to a psychodic level even beyond me at this point) was well beyond wrong. However, here I am, and despite my post I made that showed my mind slipping away from everything I believed (which you only respond to the small part about you), I am very happy to be alive.

I have been keeping up, and realize that you have been going through some tough times. Being the student of psychology that I am, I do take that into consideration as to how you have been treating me. Just rememeber, whether you believe it or not, the fact I have almost no involvement deals with how you have treated me throughout this whole thing.

I also do hope you find someone... I have been learning how important it is to have a father figure for a growing child. Most classes go as far as stating "even if he is a beer drinker that does nothing but sit in front of the TV all day". Well... I could debate that personally, but not a point to it.

I would like to give you some advice, and it is advice I would offer anyone in your situation whether as if I did not even know you, and you can take it as me attempting some psychological tactic on you, or you can view it as I mean it, in a way that could help you in the long run.

Just be honest... and I mean real honesty. If someone comes along, just because they have a penis, do not treat them as if that is what they are (I mean this as how many women see men as wanting nothing more than sex and that is how they think when interacting with men). If they SHOW you that is what they are, then yeah, feel free to treat them that way. Do not just shut everyone out and think that everything with this baby is just you. Granted, the mother plays an extremely important role, but if that is what you think with every guy you meet, then your child is going to see that and if you find a guy that guy will not be able to be as accepted by the child since the child will reflect your expectation of the man.

Of course... maybe that is all it is about anyway. Maybe you really *have* thought things through. If this is the case... I'm just talking to myself, in which case, I apologize for taking up your time and causing you so much pain as you seem to think I have done.

So Godspeed, if you believe in God, which I still do.
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