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at least i am no longer depressed... and it worked... after a while,… - JOHD

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Nov 9th, 2002

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at least i am no longer depressed... and it worked... after a while, thinking of her was no more...

[[3 comments | Train your Brain]]


Date:Nov 11th, 2002 22:17 (UTC)


My understanding of why you were home early on Saturday increases hundredfold. I'm sorry I wasn't there, even though I could have done nothing more than lend an ear/eye/shoulder. I'm sorry you had that experience. (I'm saying "sorry" in the sense of empathy, not that it's my fault :D) Regardless of my insignificance in the face of Floyd, I love you beyond reason and wish your happiness for that reason. I wish you to be able to FEEL that happiness. I wish for your pain to not be overwhelming. I don't wish for you to not have pain for the previously discussed (with me and with JOHD) reasons, but I wish for your pain to be insignificant in the face of your joy.

That said, God gives you what (S)He gives you, just as (S)He does me and everybody else. That includes pain, but it also includes people who love you, of whom you have many.

*sigh* I wish there were not a human on earth with the power to invoke such pain in you. I understand that pain, have felt it myself, many times. {{HUGS}}
[User Picture]
Date:Nov 12th, 2002 12:18 (UTC)

Re: oh...

Sorry... there is that word. You said you were sorry when you originally paged my phone, and you should know my initial response to that. I do not like people who are sorry for any reason unless they are the direct or even some times indirect cause of the issue. So I do not care the reason, there is no warrent for you being sorry. You know, it is a given that you do not want me to feel pain. I know this. Being as close as I am to you, there are things that I come to understand. There are things that I give you the benefit of the doubt for. This is one of them. It is part of a bringing together of Realities that I attempt with close people. The closer I am to them, the closer I wish to be in their Reality. Granted, if something bad happened to you, it would hit me inside. However, I would simply be there for you, as I have in the pasted when you required my presense to due to an issue not caused by Maddness.

I know some people love me, and I can tell the degree slightly to many of those who do. One more thing that you, and anyone else, could not have realized is that I was drinking, thus, lowering my ability to surpress any emotions that otherwise would be. Cool... this reminds me of the last Enterprise that we watch over at Myles (we being Madd & Myles... and someone else :D). That and the fact I have been dealing with it for over 5 years and you start to understand what really happened. T'Pol, a Vulcan, is trained to surpress her emotions. When something of the past happens, and emotions are reamerged after many years, it can be difficult to handle them with style. I have never stopped thinking about Capp since the day she "dissapeared" from my world. I finally got to see her, and I never had any unresolved issues taken care of. She was gone before I could get her number or give her mine or any other way to keep in touch with each other. Talking to her, even in the event I wanted to marry her and she wanted nothing of me, is the best thing that can be done, so the unserolved issues can be put to rest and a big part of my history can be finally closed.

So the one who did the hurting to me more than any was Madd. Capp was just a catalyst to the equation already present. {sigh} Also, if there were not humans around to hurt me, life could be rather uneventful or I may not have the ability to make myself as strong as I am today.
Date:Nov 26th, 2002 05:47 (UTC)

Re: oh...

Someone need a pin there to deflate that rather large ego? You don't seem to be capable of just accepting peoples compassion at face value, you seem to have to pick at it and analyse it first, do you think they will bother offering a second time? You reduce the value to you, of others sympathy for you by attacking the words they have used to show their feeling. Not everyone has your intelligence and dexterity with words, does that devalue the emotions behind the way they are expressed? Don't measure people using yourself and God as guidelines, for you will always be disappointed it appears, with this sense of self aloofness and 'inner strength'. Why do people need your benefit of doubt?? What gives you the authority to judge any other humans actions or feelings towards you? How can you even dictate 'God's standards if his messages to humans have been misinterpreted so many times?

Not everyone in this world is that fucked up and cold.

Go ahead, pick this to pieces, I just hate to see people broken down by the self-righteous. These are just some opinions.

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