Madd Martin L Kroeger (madd74) wrote,
Madd Martin L Kroeger

  • Mood:

I lose again.

I do not like to lose, JOHD.  This is something you should know very well.  At first I did not like to lose at anything in life, then, I got a bit of humility in me and restricted it down to video games.  Then I opened that up to games in general.  Unfortunately, in the game of Life, I find myself losing yet again.  I sit here, and there is much to be done, yet, I am not doing it.  It is as if something was in my brain and programming certain things to happen when I want to do something different.  There is so much power in the mind that I am aware of, yet, I could not even tie my own shoes if I was set enough against it.  Unfortunately, Dexter has died yet again.  The month of October is basically lost.  So another month in my life has been destroyed.  I am not sure if this is how Dexter just is, or if he is having battery issues.  I cannot remember when last he was charged, and I do not know how long his battery can go without being used.

Getting back to the big picture... I am unsure what I am doing wrong.  I should get off my naked ass and... hmm... scratch that... reverse, do again.  I should stop sitting here naked and go be productive.  I should finish up the loose ends that keep me from getting Alexander refinanced which in turn keep me from getting a house.  I had a dream about getting a house.  It was an interesting dream, grandma was involed.  I was buying her house.  It was her old house in Teeds Grove.  I kept thinking how it was going to be a long drive to work, but I could do it.  I was concerned of the miles I would be tacking on to Alex.  Of course, I was thinking she just wanted $85,000 for it.

All my playlists are gone.  They are destroyed.  They are no more.  Yet again, I lose.  Yet again, the technology I have fails me.  Yet again.  Again something fucks up and is destroyed.  Yet again, something is gone and is actually not my fault or anything that I have noticeably done.  I ask for little in life, and some times I get less.  I think this is how I made it to where I have in life.  Someone steals from me... wait, JOHD, I think I just figured out where my emotions have gone.  From the first day I was stolen from to today... it all makes sense now.  JOHD, I have always looked for ways to deal with the troubles of life, and I have just determined that I have done a better than average job of doing it.  I say that because I could go outside, and see Alex destroeyd, meaning everything in him also gone, and yeah, it would upset me to see it, but at some point, it would just be another thing that happened in my life.  Unfortunately, in doing such a thing with my emotions, it some how removed the opposite side of the spectrum.  Things cool happen in my life, and it is like, oh well, another thing happened.  It is a good explaination as to why I really do not miss many people these days.  Missing someone usually encompasses pain.  Pain is an emotion.  So, in ridding the majority of my life of pain... I took out the other half of happiness.  It is just as I was chatting with Boop about.  If I enjoy daylight, I enjoy it even more if darkness exists.  I do so because I have an opposite to compare it to.  If there was no night time, I may still enjoy daylight, because it is there, but it would be taken for granted.  I would not be able to enjoy it as much, especially if I totally did not like darkness.  The more I dislike darkness, the more I appriciate the sun when it rises.  The same goes for pleasure.  The more pain that is in my life, the more I appriciate the things that produce pleasure.  JOHD, that is a concept I have known for a long time.  I use it as counterarguments to people who claim, "How can there be a God who allows so much pain to happen in the world?"  Without any of that pain, we would not understand the true joy of many miricles out there.  So what took so long to associate the two?  I am not sure.  Maybe I am distracted with attempting to keep everything in balance that it just never computed before.  Maybe it took talking with a friend to finger it out.  {sigh} The question remains... do I allow it to continue, or do I attempt to do something to fix it to go back to the days when I was beyond emotional?

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