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Jan 14th, 2002


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03:31 - Yes
     JOHD, old friend... this should be my last informal entry for quite some time, if not indefinitely.  The time has come upon my being, to evolve into the mental state that once built a foundation for my existence.  Back then, that foundation was new, wild, and filled with larges amounts of uncontrolled energy.  It is time to take that energy, and pour it into something of focused strength.  Giving up... I remember days when I was surrounded by 19 or so baddies, out to do me in.  The level would be beyond hard... my life left would be nil to nothing.  It is the time when humans hit the reset button... as for myself, old friend... I let out a giggle, and pull out all my moves as I die in a blaze of glory, taking out maybe half of them, if it is a better day for me.  No... giving up is not my thing, nor shall it be for quite some time.  More than anything, JOHD, I do believe a part of me wanted to bring out in the open something to see... a... sign, if you would, that I should start to pay attention more to some of the inner workings of my own anima.  There is so much to do in life, yet so little mortal time to do it.  I will no longer sit in the sidelines and let life sweep me away as a ball of potential energy.  I have accomplished many things, old friend.  Many things indeed.  Madd 2001 has left a large mess that I feel obligated to clean up.  I think it only fair. 

     I have come to understand some very important workings of life.  Some of them may be things that humans have sought answers to for as long as humans have been around.  How I ended up with these answers is not entirely clear, when I think of the minds that have been around before me.  Then again... I think of the many times when some massive brain in a certain field of study gets stuck on something, only to have someone who barely understands that field make a comment that corrects or sheds light to that one problem.  I know one thing I have done is open my mind to understand that logic can sometimes guide you to where you wish to be, but only if you look at it with the intent of shedding inner shudders.  Humans cannot stand being wrong.  It is something that is so easily seen, yet, so easily overlooked.  What makes a human detest the fact so much?  Humans have this strange innate desire to be loved, and to love, in ways that throw them into many sorts of knotted relationships.  What makes them do that?  What makes them do the things that they do?  Each day, the answers unfold for all to read, yet, no one takes the time to pick up the book and read it.  I guess they are all waiting for the movie to come out... and then of course, only when it makes it to rental.  I guess I decided it time to pick up a book for once.  I thank myself many times over for it.  Routine.  I think I talked about routine a few other times.  I better understand what it means to have some routine in one's life.  At the same time, I understand the importance to de-compile other routine, so that it may be changed... altered... so that one can take how certain things are, that seem like am impossible end to nothing, and revert it to something useful.

     With as psychotic as some Freudian theories have been, I think the Freudian slip is one of the top 5 psychological concepts one could ever study in a class room.  Ironic how little in a chapter one could actually get.  They spend so little time on the subject at hand.  There is a lot to be found from a mind that is not properly protected against the intrusion of curious others.  It is amazing how much I can see what a person really means by the words they use.  Freud would not classify them as slips, and text books would not back this up, however, I think it close enough to get its own chapter if not able to be appended to the workings of of the slips themselves.  This cognition is made possible due to a chat with Alienesse just now, that can be referenced as AL153.  I shall shortcut to this so that when the time comes, which should be soon, that I will be able to speak more in depth of the matter in question.  Many references to be seen.  Of course, I think to a few other people who really shine in this department.  Some times I wonder if the bulk of friends I know are nothing more than a cage filled with lab rats... waiting to be experimented on... yearning to be experimented on, so that they may lay grasp to the cheese at the end of the maze, even though they don't like cheese.  Of course, without proper though, this could revert back to the days when I laid in wonder, ponder the notion that the only thing real in my existence was just that.  Thinking how no other places exist, nor the people that inhabit the planet.  If never I come in contact with it, it lay nothing more than words on paper.  It would erase the existence of Paris.  It would rule out the existence of Mars or any other planet.  The billions of humans who walk the earth nothing more than numbers and pictures.  The ones I see as I walk through the store... mere place holders in the fabric of time.  The ones I nod to in courtesy of response, mere simplistic robots.  Those who I interact with... uniquely designed programs.  Those I physically get involved with... living dolls of the greatest making.  I remember those thoughts.  Being the only one who really existed.  Back when love was a free flowing agent of my mind, I also remember how I thought maybe it was the other way around.  Maybe it was one human of sorts, who was in the real.  The rest, including myself, figments that lay haste of challenge and interaction, so that the one would not fall into a cataclysmic spiral of self destruction.  I do am not sure I can see into that story at this time.  Possibly some day, given more thought... opening up to a better enhanced version of my own brain... I can see how some of it may be true.  In fact... yeah... I would have to definitely leave the possibility open.  Master of Maddness... think back... think back into your mind... see how the farther you go back into your own mind, the more and more everything appears dream like.  The more many things seem not real.  Of course... this would point more towards me being the dream in someone else's mind. René Descartes said "I think there for I am." It is something that seems to have gone through humankind without hesitation.  Do they look at it logically?  I can right a simple program... it can print, "I think there for I am."  Does that make my program alive?  If so, then we/I/them/he/she could be nothing more than a program.  So maybe one really does not exist just because they can claim they think.  My computer thinks a lot.  My computer is actually here... I see it... so maybe it also exists.  Well, well, well... it seems that some things that would be lost in that collage of mentality will eventually find a way to the surface.  Remember, JOHD... no matter who you kill, no matter how well you hide the body, there is one who is always watching... always knowing.  Enter the self.

     You know it rather be a nice day out right now, even though, from the looks of this end, it is night, and not day... or... maybe it is morning?  Some strange happened to me after I returned from New York.  It was very strange, and I am not attempting to understand if the destruction of the World Trade Centers less than 24 hours from my being there has something to do with it.  How about we play a game, JOHD.  Let us pretend that the World Trade towers were never destroyed.  Look back, up to now, and think to yourself... what else may have changed.  That is the game I leave you, before I go crash on the big comfy couch.  Play well...
Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
Current Music: "A Clockwork Orange" - Theme

[[Train your Brain]]


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