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Oct 18th, 2001


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01:09 - Tree

"You're damned if you do and damned if you don't."

Madd's Log, Maddate 011018.44:
     JOHD, something is wrong.  I do not know what it is.  I only know that I felt a strong urge to inlist the aid of Pink Floyd to help me out.  There are a few possibilities  I may be under attack, or, maybe I came to understanding of the darker side of my human existance.  Parts of me that I just wish that I could remove or control, but at time are having problems doing so.  It all really happened some time after Myles went to bed, and I started on my way home.  It was really apparent when I did the unthinkable... I called a good friend by the "wrong name".  No, this is not like having sex with Jill and calling out Jane.  Imagine calling dITZ by her birth name, and spelling it wrong.  Okay, that might be a bad example since I am not sure how to spell her so called given name in the first place.  However, the alterations went towards Mair.  But, I did not even get her name right... I just don't know what is wrong with me.  If I am lucky, I will have a dream about it, so that I understand better what is going on.  I have been having a lot of dreams that I can some what remember, and a few have been very vivid.  One of which I had but never wrote down since I only know a part of it had me finding my camcorder that was stolen.  It was behind the bed, for who knows how long, and was charging or something like that.  It is all of the dream that I remember.  It is the reason I never wrote it down.  I had it about a week or so ago.  Procrastination is taking a different form.  It is making things difficult.  Life does not have the meaning that it once did to me right now, thus the reason for the Maddate.  It is a dramatic drop.  I think I have tricked myself in thinking that I need a hug.  I know for sure that I want one.

Boat

     Or maybe I just know what is bothering... what has always been bothering me.  I know what my search has been.  I know what I have been looking for, or maybe I should say, I know what is void from my life.  That close friend... the one in half of the movies I watch, and the ones that I see everywhere else in the life around me.  Many have the luxery of brothers and sisters, and that is how they came to grip with their best friend.  While it is a friendship of convenience, it is something that exists, and when you look down to the structure of things, many great friendships in life come from convience.  Myles was that way at first.  We worked together.  Minus family, I think work is most common form of friendship convience.  Looking back at my work related friendships, I see it has been an interesting trip.  A few names come to mind... {sigh} oh wow... yeah, well, I think of all working places, Wal-Mart has produced the motherload.  At least Myles was a good cause.  Very good... we have had few problems.  Plus, a lot of people from my past, or people I thought were lost for good, would some how run path with me yet again in the friendly confinds of electronics.  Of course, that in itself lead to interesting things.  As with most things I write, however, that strays subject... or does it?  The ramblings are coming from some where, and they are developed thoughts stored somewhere in the mind.  Of course, the subconsious hides in there, and that is where I want in.  I have many interesting things to share with you, JOHD, but for some reason, it is as if something is holding me back.  Some times I wonder... if by chance, God was up to something.  I think that at times, when I want to do something, stare right at it, and end up doing something else, that maybe God is attempting to guide me.  However, when I piece it together, it does not make sense, even for Him.  I have given it thought, but not sure now much I would believe in it.  I could go the other route, and say a more evil force is attempting to battle wits with my mind... and of course, there is the mass of 5th dimentional out there.  Or maybe it is none of that at all... maybe it is all me... chemical imbalances that make me do and feel what I do.  Damage from malice treatment towards myself from previous times.  All these years... defeated not by other beings... not by divine/unholy... but by Madd.  Darn that scripting... I know it is up there, some where, and all I wish is for access to it.  All I ask for... to see the code, so I can change it.  However... the more I think about it, the more I realize how many things that have happened are external.  So even if I am fighting myself, there are other... presences out there, and I think that is a safe call to make.  Of course, for as far as I know, the actual external conflicts could be in luie to my own subconsious malice behavior, tied to the possibility of an unbalanced nature.  Children act like brats many times to get attention, even if it is negative attention of being yelled at, spanked, grounded, or what have you.  They just want the attention.  They effect the exterior realm, so that it effects them down inside their own minds.

Bird

     I must remain strong.  It is important for me to always remain strong.  It will help ensure the best course of happiness if I remain strong, and keep fighting and win.  It would seem crazy, maybe, to think that I could challenge God and win... however... there is a possibility that is what He wants me to do.  Just push on me a little bit, like a teacher pushing a student, so that the student can better understand the subject.  If there is anything other than God, I should know for a fact that I can win.  I have scripted my mind to realize many things about Reality, and for others who do not think the same way, that the mind can do anything, then they are already many steps towards defeat.  The question remains, then, why is the fighting still going on, and why am I not closer towards the winning circle?  Fifth dimentionally speaking, it would make sense.  It is like fighting an enemy who has weapons from the future... like someone from the year 4000 battling someone from the civil war.  Using nukes, lasers, and what have you against someone who has a musket.  It does not mean the person with a musket will lose... it will just be a harder battle for her.  So... I guess, JOHD, I should just keep my mind open to thought and possibilities.  I do feel a little bit better, also, so thanks for taking the time to listen to me.  I appriciate it with much perceptiveness.  Master of Maddness, signing off......
Current Mood: exanimateexanimate
Current Music: "Comfortably Numb" - 6 min 24 sec disc 2 track 6, Pink Floyd's "The Wall"

[[Train your Brain]]


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