Jan 13th, 2011
|18:48 - Oh Yeah!|
Haha, I have a journal! Imagine that. Well, this is totally over due, but Happy New Year. Wow, so much going on since I last spoke. Well, I did the New Year thing, oh, and thanks to the other people of my birthday that made it a great night.
I wanted to move onto something that is insanely overdue, Jen. Anyone who follows my posts and did not know the woman would think she is some sort of monster. No, not a monster, just to me! :D LMAO, kidding! It really is a matter of two personalities that do not mesh together. That is the bottom line. Water and oil nothing, this is like anti-matter and matter. The two are not meant to be at the same space at the same time. It has nothing to do at all with Jen being a monster. She might be wrong at times, however, so am I... so is everyone, and usually when I post, some "logical" line has been crossed, and any attempts to talk to her about it are in vein. I don't due extended negativity well, whether I cause or create it or not. To that, I wanted to post something that is massively overdue, however, before I do, I want to build a back story so it makes more sense.
Millions of years ago, or maybe a few, who remembers, I had a best friend named Gretchen. She is cool. She is deaf (or death if you are one of those crazy people that do not know the difference). It was a New Year's Eve. I remember at the time I had been playing Metroid Prime on my GC, and I was hanging out with Melissa. There was something about me returning to my apartment, I was passing Arby's. Then, i think I got a TXT from Gretchen about New Years, because she had sent something, and I had not responded. I am extremely fuzzy on the details (other than remembering passing Arby's, and that at that point I realized I had missed playing Prime the day before or something like that). There was some form of argument over it.
Gretchen's argument was that I was not addressing her feelings. My argument was that it was not my fault, and let's face it, there was no fault in me not getting the TXT and replying to it. Seriously, how in the world am I suppose to reply to someone when my phone is eating my messages and not giving it to me? I drove that point very hard, how it was not my fault, and it was the recycling basis for what made how she felt was wrong.
Well, that was my problem, and a big one that has taken me a while to properly address. See, I am not perfect, and my own logic will fail me, because sometimes the world is not about logic. Sometimes the world is about feelings. Never have I felt that as much as I have being a father. Yeah, I know, time traveling. Past, future, etc. Anyway, going back, what would have been write of me is going, "Gretchen, I truly apologize you are upset. I am sorry. I did not get your TXT, it was not anything I did on purpose." Instead I gave her something like, "Stop being such a bitch to me, i did not get your damn TXT how was I suppose to reply?" Basically, the same point. "I did not get your TXT." Totally, a different way to focus blame. You know, I am not even sure to this day if I ever properly addressed it, so let me do this now... Gretchen, I am extremely sorry that I was not considerate of your feelings. I fucked up. I am truly sorry. Even if you totally have forgotten about this incident, and already forgave me in whatever other way (like forgetting it happened), it is something I have not ever forgotten I have done. I talk big talk on how I want to be respected by people. What I did to you was not respecting you, in any way shape or form. Please forgive me for being cold to your feelings.
So with that in mind, and the basis for my story set, and in the public eye of millions (more like 7) of eyes that are watching me (okay 14 since no one I know has one eye), Jen, no matter what you have ever done or said, and no matter how much it could have been an assumption, or whatever else, in which case something started that could not be my actual fault, I am so very and truly sorry. I realize that I sent an email, however, I feel this is a bigger way to show how sorry I really am, because I am letting the world know, I truly and totally fucked up in regards to your feelings on many occasions. I cannot even think of one specific example. No wait, yes, I do believe I can think of one. One time I made plans with you. These plans included you being with a bunch of family/friends, and basically, I was your date. The time was on a Sunday, when I would have already had plans with Myles. This was the first time I can think where yelling was involved by both of us. While I made an error in planning, in no way should I have said anything negative at that time with you. It would have been more proper, to your feelings, to be yelled at, and accept the fact I fucked up. By doing so, I would have better addressed your feelings, even if it was logically broken down as to the reason I should not have been yelled at. Because while from a logical point, we both should have maybe just gone "oh, oops", emotionally, and being considerate to another, you had every right to be upset with me, and you express your anger the way you express it. Just like when I get upset or angry with something, I do things my way. From the bottom of my heart, with all sincerity, I am sorry.
(Dear LJ, I love you, totally, and truly, I just pushed a button and went to FB. If not for your wonderful autosave feature, this entire piece up to this point would be lost... you totally rock!)
There are a lot of other things, as noted. There are like four years or so, maybe three, and it was not like every day we had an issue. I have said, and pointed out, that the feelings and behaviors we have are our own. No one can make me angry, except for me. If someone took a bat to my child's head, they would not have made me angry. I would choose to be angry, just as I would choose to rip their insides out with a rusted spoon and eat their heart right in front of their face, prior to getting the electric chair. So my feelings and reactions are as such. I know, because with Nicole, I decided to take the route that you never got. At least one time, Nicole has been upset with me, for something that was "simply misunderstood". I say simply, because really, when do I make anything simple? (LMAO, oh dear word, that cracked me up). Instead of yelling back at her, I pretty much let it come out (usually confused as to what I did wrong), then we talk about it, and it just goes to show how close we are to each other. As with you, I simply reacted in some pissy manner, that you were not understanding me, and reacting off that fact, that I was misunderstood. You did not get the chance that, I feel, all human being deserve from me. You did not get what I would otherwise ask of people today. Pretty much, it was a hypocritical point in my life. Also, during many arguments, you would point out how I was doing things I otherwise would not do, and I backed up my actions with how I was getting treated. Again, most of these did not address your actual feelings. You may not ever truly forgive me with total resolve in your heart. I accept this. I made my bed, and now I must sleep in it. I choose, you did not make me... whatever.
On a closing note, while I have made a lot of harsh comments when I have been upset or angry about things, I do want to point out, that Jen is a very loving mother to my son. Also, Jen could have made life an absolute living hell. Jen chooses to generally drive Jarin to see me, and then drives to pick him up. Thus far, I have given money a few times, and I have driven half way twice. While Jen might do it solely for Jarin and not actually for me, the fact is, she does it. Also, at date, Jen has not legally attempted to come after me for money or custody. Jen helped Jarin make a birthday card for me, and it was so special. Jen has also not said anything bad about me to my child, at least that I know of, lol! Jen has done all of this despite her own attempts to build a new life with a guy and his daughter, of who as far as I know of Jen, would treat her as if she carried that girl in her own tummy for 10 months. While there has been... tension, even about the drive, the fact is, no matter what has been said, the actions are there to back up the fact how much Jarin means to her, and the fact I get to benefit beyond benefit due to it. Sure, there are "great" things I have done also, and I could have made life very difficult also... that does not matter, as this is not about me. This is about setting a record straight. This is in regards to doing my best as a person to make right what I otherwise have made wrong, by my own definition.
I simply want to be respected, whether by Jen, my girl (smooches to you!), my parents, Jen's folks, my friends, or even my enemies. The only way to get that respect, is by giving it out myself. There are still some things that are messed up, and that will be messed up, and tension that I am sure will happen int he future. At some point, I will do something that goes against the nature of what I would want in return for respect. I guess the only way to call me on it, is to use my safe word... Strawberry Detective
LMAO, oh dear word, I think I have truly lost my mind. So there is my end of year and start of year break in. As difficult and stressful as I see 2011 compared to 2010, I also see so much potential and opportunity. As also, I ask for the Lord to keep His watchful eye on me. Through my Lord and Savior the depressing times that fill my heart can be healed. Through God I ask, as always, to watch over my son and take care of him. I ask for forgiveness of my sins, and my wrong, and help me avoid them. LMAO, and I say thank you, God, for this song, as it is funny as... whatever is really funny (see also music tag).
Current Location: 3014 SW 40th, Des Moines, 50321
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: "Stand By Your Man", Blues Brothers
I was actually about to nudge you tonight. . .
It was actually something that came up on Law & Order: SVU. I don't remember exactly which episode. I don't remember exactly what it was, but it was similar about choices and culpability.
|Date:||Jan 19th, 2011 13:11 (UTC)|| |
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I hadn't forgotten about the New Year's text incident, though it had retreated to a corner of my brain.
Thank you for apologizing, and your apology is totally accepted *HUG*
(frankly, seeing you write that you realize the world is sometimes about feelings rather than logic is really all the closure I needed... because it's a valuable lesson to learn, though one that is hard to put into practice sometimes)