Nov 12th, 2010
|19:26 - Extra 3D|
I am so damn flipping fucking tired of being put on the blame for every damn fucking thing that is wrong in a relationship, whether intimate or more. Oh, yeah, sorry, I am going to vent, guess it would have been a great idea to warn people ahead of time they can tune their heads away.
For the record, since it will otherwise come up, and I will go ape shit, while Jen can be classified as one who has done this to me in the past, there was almost no thinking of her when I flew off the handle earlier regarding this. I will simply say it is a person I had not personally seen at all this year, someone who I sometimes wonder is really a friend, or if I am nothing more than a damn placeholder for someone's boredom. This eliminates a lot of people, so, you can go about your business being rather sure I am not talking to you. Furthermore, I really don't care to release any actual names. I only mentioned Jen because one too many times I say something, or an angry about something, or, simply has nothing to do with her and I get the brunt force of a stampede of negativity thrown my way. I am tired of it! Tired of it from all parties!
I am not going to keep bottling up my emotions to attempt to protect people. If I do, I will just hold it in too long and it will explode all over someone like fireworks at a pyromaniac convention. People want to come at me with how I do nothing more than bring shit up in the past. You know what? If you have an issue with that, I am MORE than certain you do it yourself, and most likely worse than I do. I do not hold some 4+ year grudge against someone you had sex with when I liked you, but we were not dating. I am not the one who bailed on you when we made arrangements to simply hang out (multiple times), doing so on the basis of information you cluster fucked up in your head in your magical world of demons and fairies. I proactively did nothing, absolutely nothing, to put those thoughts into your head. You put them there because you cannot stand being wrong. You cannot stand the fact that maybe, just maybe, the other party in question (me) was nothing more than an innocent bystander to your human inability to cope with your own problems. Oh dear my, the world shits in your cup of coffee from time to time. Piss me a puddle... then go swimming in it.
Do you know how I realize this is how you are? I realize because I know me, and I know how I use to bid my life on the same thing, blaming you or the rest of the world for my problems. Oh, Madd is angry at you because Madd had a bad day at work. Oh, Madd started a fight with you because Madd did not get laid today (for the record, that has not ever really happened). Madd is going to start a fight with you because Madd is tired, or Madd is hungry, or Madd is whatever Madd is. The word you are looking for is displacement. It is the psychological EGO defense when you decide to protect your fucked up flaws by placing it onto another party. Oh yeah, time for that friendly reminder, since the English language is so screwed up. You is plural, so if you (singular) see you (plural) here and want to get pissy or bitchy in the back of your little mind, then you are doing nothing more than proving my point in how some hidden guilt ridden thoughts are eating away at your subconscious. Also, congrats at being a piss poor listener and caulk yourself down as a HORRIBLE person to vent to, especially since, by now, you could have STOPPED READING. If you have made it this far, and think something like, "Interesting Madd, do go on, get it out," then congratulations, you apparently have the potential heart of a therapist. My applaud to your friends, because when they are feeling down, they really do have someone they can turn to.
Grow up. Take some damn responsibility for the failures of your world that are actually you. When you do nothing more than piss poor blame me for your cocka-toejam crap, then you can continue about your world without having to do anything. You will always find some fucking excuse to take a shitty day and pass it on to me, or whatever else. However, if you decide to suck it up, and take responsibility for the shitty things that are happening in your life, then you can do something the other cannot... you can FIX IT. Back before being a parent, in my single world (as in not dating), I found there was a lot of bad shit going on in my head. There were negative feelings. Often, you would hear me talk about "them" or "it". There was no "me" or "my". At the time, as I was not in a relationship, there would have been no "you" either, however, back then given how I was, I am sure I would have done my best to pass my faults on to someone else. That is what I did back then. Also, not surprisingly enough, I was super controlling back then. The two seem to go hand in hand. If you are controlling, you most likely do this to people also. Well the problem is that it will keep happening. It will so, over and over again. This one goes out to all the ladies out there, that want to talk about how much men are dicks. Guess what, it is not them, it is you! You know why they are dicks to you? You think that is nothing more than what they are, so you start treating them like dicks, without even knowing it. So all of a sudden, you being a downright bitch to your guy, and the next, and the one after that, is justified. Oh look! Now you can sleep better at night, because now you have no reason to have to work on your attitude or behavior, because it is not your fault! Welcome to earth.
So see what I did there? I brought up shit from the past (my own) to prove a point. I did not bring it up to be a dick to myself, or to be a prude, or to hold a grudge. The past is the past. In this case, I appeared to have learned (somewhat) from the past. Remembering said event is a good thing for me, unless I really like to be controlling and want to pass blame of my troubles on the rest of the world. However, since I decided to take responsibility for my actions, guess what, I was able to fix and correct it, and move onto bigger things in life. If I did nothing but blame the rest of existence, then there is nothing for me to "fix" because then it turns into someone else's problem. Granted, maybe I can sleep better because I will keep telling myself how perfect I am. However, I have news for you. Your friends will see it, and most likely think less of you. I mean, it may not be a lot. You might have the friends that do not ask you WHY there is a dead body at your feet, but instead ask you, where do you want to bury it. Still, if they liked you 96 points out of 100, if you pass all your blame to them, they would most likely be at least 95, if not lower. Yeah, it is just a point difference, so really really cares, right?
You know, maybe Wil Wheaton was not concerned about competition when he said "Don't be a dick." Maybe he knows you. He is like the clap at a swingers party where no one has heard of safe sex. He gets around, so maybe he knows you.
Well, while I sit here, decreasing my read count, I might as well add a few more things. I have known my girlfriend for nine years. You count that? Nine years. When I talk to you about her, do not, in any way shape or form, tell me to be careful as your first reaction. If you know her, then fine. If I said nine months, or even nine weeks, then by all means, tell me to be careful. Records indicate that me doing anything under a year's time, can very well turn into a total clusterfuck. Nine years, however, allows me to see a person grow, and change. Also, it would be great to note that nine years ago I was a totally different person. I think I already pointed that out. So if I can say in this nine years of actually getting to know a person, that I am serious about her, things such as "well congratulations" and "that is wonderful" should be along the first responses you give. Otherwise, you can say nothing at all, as that is acceptable. I am not going to force you to congratulate me or anything. If you want to "warn" me about the evils of women, hello, if you know me, then you know well enough that I understand about being careful, and what happens when I am not (and while this comment could be closer pegged to one person, it is a reference to multiple). I have been told about every falsity a woman can in terms of a relationship. Sometimes multiple times. I cannot tell you how many times I have been told, "Oh Madd, no matter what, if something happened to you [death, break up], I would never be with anyone else, ever." Yet there you are, more kids, married, getting married, married, yeah, the list goes on. Oh sure, I am not perfect, and far from it, however my point is more on terms that I get it, it would be in my best interest to be precautious. So go ahead and tell me to be careful. Just do it after you have thanked me. The exception to this rule, I will say is my dad. The first things out of his mouth when he found out he was going to be a granddad was to be careful. Obviously, I knocked up a woman I am not married to, being careful is something I better do. Still, congratulations would have been a better "first response". I add the exception not because he is my dad, I do so because I know what he has been through, and as always, I welcome his experience in life. This is why, when it comes to money, I like to tap the old man for his input first. There is a reason I owe money to a house mortgage and car mortgage only. Some smart genius of a guy made sure I was taken care of in the ways of money. While it would be true to be said, that if you screw me over in life, I am bound to note trust you, don't let it go without saying that when the opposite is true, I treat said person with respect.
On the subject of respect, if you don't respect me, don't expect too much in return. While it is true, I have altered my interaction with people in terms of how they "wrong" me, taking a cue from my failed relationship with Jen, there are only so many times you can disrespect me before I tell you to fuck off. I owe Jen that much, I really do. Seeing how I reacted to a lot of things, made me realize it was time for yet another change in my life. Due to this change, when I came across some issues with Nicole, instead of basically telling her to stop being a bitch and think, I actually took it and waited for things to blow over. Had I gone to my old routine, I seriously doubt Nicole and I would be dating. I certainly can have an issue with pride, and it was good I was able to pocket it and let things come out, and we just up and talk about it. to that note, I want to thank Nicole for being one of the only human beings, who when I was angry and upset about something, allowed me to express it without simply being a bitch in return. Usually, when filled with this crazy thing known as emotions, when I express them, they come out in a way that gets me verbally assaulted. I am not able to actually express my emotions, to anyone I have dated. There would be ridicule or the typical, "You know what dear? You crossed a line" to get, "Oh yeah? You are the one who crossed a line." There would be no, "Well, I am sorry." or "Well, if that is so, how about you tell me about it." Nothing but attitude, always. Nicole changed this. I expressed something to her that I thought was totally wrong and unfair. In doing so I got, "I see," "okay," or something else that allowed me to express my feelings at the time. Hahaha, as per usual, in talking about her, I get a TXT or something from her. I love this connection. -lol- Pork, how wonderful. Oh, the inclusion of my girlfriend, since I otherwise know how some will take what I am talking about, is due to one person noting that I had not seemed to talk about her much anymore. The PDA of FB attacks and JOHD entries and the like had "died" down. Well, since people do not seem to be keeping a good score, I would like to point out that my JOHD postings have almost vanished of late. My "lack" of publicly professing my love for my girlfriend, has 101% no baring on my girlfriend or anything she has or has not done. It deals with that strange thing I face, where sometimes, I just want to get up, do what I am suppose to, and go back to bed. It goes on the fact that I have caused a lot of trouble in my life with recent events, and I must face these facts, and "sleep in the bed I made" and some of these things do not sit well with me. As with any other problem in my life, I had the ability to totally alter the outcome of everything. Add the fact I can be one of the laziest human beings on the planet /T, and am lucky if I can break procrastination to go get something to eat for the day.
I think while I am at it, you know what, Micro$haft? Up yours and your damn technology. I want to add your pals Samsung. You want to push your new Windows 7 phone. Is it as much crap as your 6.5? Why does my service keep not connecting? Why is it when I connect my Windows phone to my Windows computer that it rarely ever syncs? Then you want to do what, bill me to get technical support? You are a rat bastard. Shame on your other friends, Verizon, who force me into a contract with a piece of crap phone when I would be more than willing to buy yet another new phone, like maybe the Android. You know how near impossible it was to make my post last night? Let's add your idiot friends over at Opera. Also up yours for making it near impossible to tether my phone and computer together. I am so happy (sarcasm) that I am wasting my money on these services that do not work. I rate your Samsung Omnia II phone a 1 out of 5 stars, since sometimes, I am able to communicate with my girlfriend when one of us is not by a computer.
To that let's add Asus and S.E. Why does your flipping FFXI not run Abyssea content without lagging to the point of dropping?? My word, I am running a 1.5 GB video card (Geforce GTX 440M) with 8GB of ram. I can play FFXIV for crying out loud! I got this computer for the sole reason of mobile gaming, and I cannot play any of the new content of FFXI. You know, forget S.E. Asus, why is there no internal hard drive partition to reformat my computer to factory defaults? WHY is my restore disc, that you make me waste 5 DVD's on, not restoring anything?? WHY is your oh so wonderful 5.0 EAX Advanced HD sound making crazy popping noises when I attempt to play my music?!? Aaarrrrr!! Why do you hate me? I attempt to give you so much love.
Well, I am tired. I think I ran out of steam. It was a long night. After watching Big Bang, I passed out on the couch. I woke around 10:00, only to go to my actual bed and sleep until like noon thirty or something. I think I made too good a work environment. It might be a little too comfortable. Nice little space heater keeping my tootsies warn. Some energy-nice bulbs to give the room a great glow, and some jamming tunes (minus that damn popping sound). I guess I will give it a few more months before I blow my top about something again.
Current Location: 3014 SW 40th, Des Moines 50321
Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: "FFVII Jenova for Classical Piano", Noir