Oct 7th, 2010
|22:37 - So, Slow Traffic to the Left|
So today was the first day back since my WFH start. I cannot tell if I really miss people or not. I think part of my mental dilemma is the whole concept of a loner who might miss people. When I lived in my apartment, I could be locked in there for long periods of time with no outside contact and I would be perfectly happy. It is a feat that not many can truly claim. Even people who are isolated alone show many signs of missing human contact. Well, then one day, I knocked a girl up, and I had no choice but to be in the contact of another(s). Okay, I stand corrected, there was always a choice. My "moral compass" said I had to, not to mention, my kid turns out to be really cool.
So skip a bit and we have me not getting to see him at times, and when it has been aggravated by his mother, I would lash out in ways that are just beyond me. Some of it could be the fact I do not take to being controlled well, however, a lot of it is that I realize and understand the underlying brightness that fills my persona when I am around Jarin. Then add and retrace a bit a woman I know, we shall call her girlfriend, or damn sexy woman, or totally wonderful woman. Maybe GF since the rest of those take a long time to type. So I met GF billions of... seconds ago (not really, a billion seconds translates just shy to my ability to form words). I find a connection with her that is truly unique. It is intensified in the fact that we both have these clocks that make us... mature from age 17 or what have you. My clock already went off once, the reason I have said child now (since despite what multiples might have thought, having a child before marriage was not ever my plan, even though having a child was).
So right now I am unable to truly tell if I am... lonely. I just felt so much better around Nicole (GF, not cousin, even though cousin is a good person also). I wonder if I am dependant on her, just as I have become with Jarin. Do I require them both in my life in order to not feel an emptiness that occupies my being? I know how Q felt when he was turned human. I had worked a lot of my post teen life of "removing" humanity from me, such as feelings of solitude, or certain forms of emotion. If someone fucked me over, then I simply logically looked at the reason they did and I logically moved on, the key word being moved on. I think of Jen every day, for the bad things she had done to me and the few ways she inadvertently screwed me over and taken advantage of me. I do not want to feel any malice, I just do. There is no form of "real justice" that has eased the pain of things that have gone down. I equivocate it to the following analogy (since we know how much I love analogies). When someone steals a piece of gum, it might be logical to fine them $100 for the crime, even if the gum is no where near that price. However, it is not logical to sentence the person to death. The punishment does not fit the crime. On the flip side, if I kill your entire family, I should not be slapped on the wrist, told to tell you, "Yeah, sorry", and fined a $1. There is a natural balance of things that must be followed in order for a coherent equilibrium to form a calm state of non-dissonance. While it works slightly different for everyone, it is there for everyone. It's just like real life. Some people would like paying $100 for a 52" TV is crazy (such as someone who never has money for food, and no access to cable or the like) while others would sleep with your best friend to get a deal like that. Everything in life by everyone is assigned some form of point deal. There is an economy of worth that society builds, and we tend to work from there. Oh sweet, I just got a TXT message.
So I think one of the point values that turned out extremely high was "required missing" someone. When I am "being Madd" and some of that translates to a human being angry, upset, irritated, annoyed, or what have you later turns into "I miss those things I said I was not fond of", it means that I found someone who, for the first time I can think of, really accepts me for me. It strengthens my thoughts and feelings for this person. It is a reason I always loved kids. I have been around so many in my life, and the one thing I had in common with them, is they accepted me for me. They never questioned my name, they generally laughed at most of what I did, and not once did I get yelled at, controlled, chastised, or anything else, for me simply living my life as I do. Yeah Jarin does not "agree" with all of my "rules", but what makes me Madd is something he totally accepts. I think GF has gotten on track, without me spelling it out, and is pretty much there also. I did not have to say, "Okay, this thing you do not like is me and if you do not like it then we are most likely not going to work." I might have said something like, "Oh, I am just being me, sorry," however that is a totally different angle. It might also be a different angel.
Thus, in closing, that is how I feel about the difference between working at home and working at work. Feel free to be confused... :D
Current Location: 925 High St, IA 50309
Current Mood: confused