Madd Martin L Kroeger (madd74) wrote,
Madd Martin L Kroeger

GPS Failure

So my mind is in a blur. Yeah, that was on purpose. There is something about going on long trips that gets to me. I do not mean in a bad way, I think it is that "what am I going to forget, am I going to get lost, am I going to miss an exit, am I not going to blah blah". At the same time, going on long trips excite me. Usually, the long trips are to the land of Yeast and Cheese so I am super excited to get my game on with Stingray. Other times it would be to TX to see my mom, and there is something about spending time with my mom that gives me peace in my world. I think sometimes I just want to suck on my thumb and crawl into my mom's arms and have her rock me to sleep.

However, this time, I am going on an extended trip for an extended conversation to see my girlfriend. Yeah, people can debate what in the world constitutes a girlfriend all they want, however, I go by my definition when I say girlfriend. According to Webster, a girlfriend is, "a frequent or favorite female companion; sweetheart". Hmm, sure sounds like Nicole to me! Oh, shit, since eyes are watching me, I would like to make a correction to that entry. *pulls out dry erase marker*

"a favorite and ONLY female companion; sweetheart"

It also goes on with "a female friend", as well as an interesting "a female friend with whom a man or boy is romantically or sexually involved; sweetheart". What makes that interesting is that it is excluding women, so, sorry ladies, you are not allowed to be bi or gay, because the World English Dictionary specifically notes "man or boy". Of course to THAT, I find it interesting, because "boy" is defined as, "a male child, from birth to full growth, esp. one less than 18 years of age," and my favorite, "a young man who lacks maturity, judgment, etc". Wow, really? So... yeah, no, I am not even going there. Needless to say, dictionaries might want to be moved ahead of lawyers for things thrown into the sun to burn.

So, getting back on track, yeah, I am taking what I feel is one of the most important trips of my life, seriously. I understand the premise of my coworkers debating that I do not have a girlfriend but a female companion (even though, that by definition makes her my girlfriend, HA!). It is the whole notion of how do you know someone you have not ever met in person. People can hide behind the computer and TXT and even phone. Yeah, I get it. I also know that when YOU, the people debating, meet someone, the FIRST thing you lock on is looks. You do not see the brain falling out of the head (unless you are in Zombieland, great movie). You see looks, and your first impulse is of a physical need to procreate, plain and simple. Oh sure through your perceptional screen, you may not be into kids or the like, but deep down inside, you are programmed from birth. Nicole, I ran across playing a game with her. I knew her from a friend and I messaged her. Going back and reading chats, I had it with women. Some woman did some thing or another so I certainly was not "looking". Also, Nicole was very into pushing me away. However, there was such a great potential in her, the way her mind worked, the way she conversed with me. I enjoyed the intellectual conversations and looked forward to seeing her online. I even noted, at some point, that I would never meet or see her, knowing where she lived at the time.

Over time, I loved Nicole, to a point it made me feel good to know she was happy, and would make me sad when she was not. There were many times we would... be absent from chatting with one another. However, at any time she would message me, I was right there to chat up a storm. I was accused by Jen one time that things were bound to fail since or whatever since "I have always loved Nicole". Yeah, so what if I did, there are other people I loved and still love to this day. I practically love every single person I have ever loved in my life. I love my first girlfriend. She cheated on me and wants nothing to do with me right now, feeling it would be "awkward". Ha! I still love Melissa. I love dITZ. About any woman I was romantically involved with in my past I still love to this day. It does not mean I cannot be in a committed relationship with someone else. Oddly enough, Nicole has always respected me, in her own way. Yeah, she was pushing me away, and after dating her, there were... words exchanged, however, the respect has always been there. She very easily could have dismissed me and never added me on AIM (since back then that was a big deal for her). She did not. She respected me, and for that, I respected her in return. It was one of the benefits of the Mirror Effect, back when I used it to the fullest.

Holy shit I am going way off track here. Oh well, at least my acting and writing is better than William Hurt (inside joke, you have to ask me or Sparky). Eh, might as well keep going wherever I am going. So this trip, super important. It is, to me, the first step of a change that is going to affect everyone, and in a positive way. I can sense the cut into self confidence, making jokes about a coworker and then a conversation how maybe I should "wait it out" for said person. Comments about "hoping" I am "going" to be happy with her, when I already AM happy with her, tremendously. I have an unconditional love for Nicole. I know I do for what we have gone through, and how in the past with other people, some of what happened between us would have been a deal breaker. I would have stopped and moved on to "something not quite so complicated as a 950 some mile relationship." Thank you, Lord, for giving me the patience that so many people seem to lack. Thank you for making me strong as I have asked, so many times, that You do since I know how weak I can be. Thank You for being You and You making me who I am. Thank you for spam! Not the garbage that litters my junk email box, but the food that Monty Python sings of.

So where was I? Oh yeah, this trip. I will keep the "I told you so" speeches to myself. I will take the Housism of what logic has crossed my path, and just bask in the glory that is my wonderful relationship. Some shall take this as arrogance, and that is fine by me, I really do not care at this point. Oh, wow, I remember where I was going now, sweet.

Dateline had(has?) a program, To Catch a Preditor. The basis is, a decoy goes online, chats with guys posing as a 14 year old something (boy, girl, I don't remember). The guy offers to visit. Some bring condoms, some talk dirty. All of them are... well... make your own judgment. What is key in this is what is true with anything, whether you know someone in person, or met them online and chatted for 9 some years without meeting. There is just no way for anyone to truly know another person, ever. In fact, some people do not ever really know their own self and will do some crazy things later down in life. Sometimes we take chances and we are lucky. Sometimes we take chances and we are right. Then, there are sometimes we take a chance, and get fucked, and not in that pleasant way. I am telling me, from all that is said, and all that is observed, that Nicole is the one for me, and this trip is going to prove what I already know. I do not have to do this trip so I tell myself, "Wow, thank goodness, I was right about this woman." I think I have to do this trip to tell the rest of the world. I will go as far as saying Nicole herself, at least a little. A conversation earlier had her talking about "possible" chemistry between us. I understand, this is extreme new ground for her, being so involved with someone she never met in person. So I do not judge nor think bad or anything of it. I understand, it makes sense. We still have a few issues with communication. They are due to the medium being used. TXT and IM, while great for keeping up with someone, can be piss poor at conveying emotion. At least at this point we talk through things, not even getting close to a fight. Questions are asked. Things are cleared. It is great. It is what I love: communication. Of course, there is MORE having to explain things via IM, and certainly through TXT. So this trip is important. Have I stated that enough yet? Hahaha! "... but would I say how important this trip is again?" "You might, rabbit, you might..."
Tags: alienesse, all your post are belong to madd, chat, communication, ditz, erin, girlfriend, god, house, im, jarin, jen, land of Yeast and Cheest™, marriage, melissa, mentality, monty python, more tags than you can shake a stick at, people reading, quotes, rambling, relationships, sparky, stingray, technolgy, texas, thank you, trip, women, work

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