Madd Martin L Kroeger (madd74) wrote,
Madd Martin L Kroeger

Hair Tie

At some point in my younger life, I had this superiority complex that stated I could tackle absolutely any issue that was thrown my way. Death in the family, girl rejection, name calling, insults, etc. The premise to this complex is that everything is just words. Fuck, bat, booger, dodecahedron, cocaine. They are nothing more than labels. They are labels that are associated in accordance to... well... someone from long ago (Webster?) and we just accept it as that. This is something that has been passed on from generation to generation, and it appears that the longer we go into society, the more powerful these labels become. On November 17th, 2006 during a comedy bit, Michael Richards made six references to the word nigger. There were African American audience members who were heckling him during his act. It apparently pissed him off enough to just unload racial stereotypes to a period in time that blacks sat in the back of the bus, were not allowed to vote, or drink from the same water fountain. Had he just said "oh shut the fuck up already" it certainly would not have made the media attention that it did. Heck, people READING my post on me reusing the word can cringe up. The word is so powerful that congress decided at some point they were going to ban the word. Ban a word? Are you flipping kidding me? The Bad News Bears is a baseball comedy starring the late Walter Matthau who manages this band of misfits. The movie is rated PG, and character Tanner Boyle quotes (I think three times, at least two for sure) "All we got on this team are a buncha Jews, spics, niggers, pansies, and a booger-eatin' moron!" I assure you that language used today would get you more than a PG rating. So times change.

However what does not change is the fact these are just words. Since the associated meaning can be changed (saying someone is bad in 1920 definitely means something different today), and society as a whole can select to embrace this change, then it means one single person can take the associated labels and just not worry about them. Someone could call me "a stupid idiotic moron who does not know shit from a shingle", and I can take that the same as someone could say "you eat food". At some point I convinced myself this. All of a sudden, people were no longer able to insult me. In fact, from a psychological perspective, when someone insults you and you brush it off, or even laugh about it, you are more inclined to aggravate them and thwart their attempts at insult. So how cool is this? I can go through life and enjoy it.

Now, I am not exactly sure when this period was. I cannot tell you since I seem to have an issue with linear memory recall. I cannot say how long it is. I know that at some point it upgraded to caring a little what people I cared about thought of me. Okay, so right there. Something happened to me. Something happened to this wonderful ability to not give a flying fuck what the world thought. I generally approached life in not pissing in other people's cornflakes. So even when I was not caring what others thought of me, it did not mean I did whatever I wanted to do. I would not want people doing bad shit to me, so I did and said things that was, for the most part, in accordance to respect towards others. Now, if I did something I enjoyed, like shmoking even if it offended people, then that was too bad for you. I am not changing my life to accommodate you.

So what did happen? It is ironic that Comfortably Numb is playing (no, seriously, there are only like 4 versions in the current play list of a shitload of songs), because I feel numb. However, it is not comfortable. I snapped today. It has been a multi-process in the making for years now. It was escalated when before bed my girlfriend told me in her own words that I do not mean anything to her. Sure, I might today now, or I might tomorrow or in a few days, however for that time, of me really not doing anything wrong (no seriously, for once I was not being an asshole), I was not on a list of love. I still love my girlfriend. I love her unconditionally, and she has not taken the route of slandering my parenting skills (something I found can break the most powerful bonds of love through time, it appears). Some might say that is not unconditional love. Maybe they are right. I have been wrong so often in the past few months I cannot keep track of what I am wrong and right about anymore in things I say. Nevertheless, at some point in my life, this, things Jen has said that has sent me into a blind rage here and there, should mean nothing to me. They should mean nothing to me because they are labeled words or phrases. Most are said when there is an elevated level of a chemical (I am not looking it up, you know how to use Google) that happens when people are just angry. People get angry due to other things, and then they take it out on others (psychological ego defense: displacement). Okay.

Well, I am not answering my question. What happened and what went wrong. I love my child. I know I love my child. He is the most important thing in my life, despite what anyone else would imply. Despite any action I am accused of doing that belittles the relationship of Jarin and myself, in my heart and brain I know the reasons for what I do, better than anyone else. That should be good enough for me. There is no reason that should change. My girlfriend loved me at one point. I spent years expressing a love that was nowhere close to reciprocated. It had nothing with her not liking me years ago. I have plenty of logic to show that love was there. I have enough logic to know it is still there, somewhere, even if I am told otherwise. I guess this is where I would say actions speak louder than words. I mean, she is still dating me. She has not told me she does not want to see me. Yet I flipped out before bed when I was told the information. It eats away at me. Jen eats away at me. Any human who told me how I suck as a father without actual valid proof would find them being number five on my hate list.

On a switch, Jen serenading me with how much she still loves me despite my current thoughts would eventually... bend me. Getting a TXT or IM or something from my girlfriend, saying sorry, or just saying she loves me with nothing else would put something positive in my heart. Well, at least at some point. I am not sure if I am really feeling any emotion right now, so I am not sure if anything from anyone is going to pull me one way or another. I am not sure if I care about anything. I will see when I pick up Jarin tonight. He appears to have the biggest influence to me. If that does not work, I can drink and see if I get any emotional support to my persona. I could rewatch some Dexter, since it has been a while, and see if he moves me. Hmm... yeah I am going to leave that thought to myself.

Ah, yes, Hell's Kitchen and two copies of Eureka. Plus a copy of Hung that is waiting to be watched. I guess I can see if I am still human...
Tags: alienesse, bad day, bad news bears, dexter, girlfriend, gordan ramsey, hate, jarin, jen, love, michael richards, pink floyd, psychology, self-exploration

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