Madd Martin L Kroeger (madd74) wrote,
Madd Martin L Kroeger

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Good Fight

Madd's Log, Maddate 011001.17:
     I feel the attacks on my mind, JOHD.  They assult me night and day now, as if a pack of super intelligent beasts hunting prey.  I can almost feel them on a physical level.  I do remember my promise to you, old friend.  I remember it well.  I also know that depsite the attacks against my own mind, I see that there is help... it shows itself in many forms, but mostly that of humans.  {sigh} JOHD... this is no easy battle for me.  I know I have been down the road before... but besides human for me, I see humans against me.  They probe for my weakness... help use them against me.  I fight the good fight... but not sure how I am doing.  I have a strong mind, I think things should go well.  However, it shall not be an easy task.  While rare things in life are easy...some things go beyond difficult.  Loneliness.  It has used it against me.  I have won that fight, for now.  But alas... each direct hit against my shields is more time lost against the battle.  Memory.  My biggest weakness.  It is the trickling downstream for all other problems I have, JOHD.  Ah, but Madd is stable as defined by Maddian standards.  'Tis always a good thing.  No, my mind is not growing weak.  I still have tricks up my sleeve.  Memory has cost me some battles, however.  It may cost me friendships.  I have lost friendships before, ones that I had not wished to lose.  However... some people do not value my friendship as much as they claim.  They have helped to lay them to rest, the ultimate action.  I feel it to be a coup de grace.  I realize that a friendship where another could lay to rest with ease is one who not really be a friend.  Nevertheless, it takes something from me, as it would any being with feelings or emotions.  Actually... I have noticed less emotion in me of late.  It could possibly be some sort of defense that my mind wishes to establish.  Of course, it could be invaders who have gone in and pushed buttons they are not allowed to push.  If that is the case, then I hope to find and stop them.  If I barely get access to my own mind, then I do not think it right that others do either, no matter what dimention they come from.  If worse comes to worse, I always have God.  I just hope I remember how to talk to Him.  I do not pray like I use to... an occuring issue with my memory problems.  It boils down to habit.  I can usually sing Numb and do something else thanks to Numb being habit to my mind.  It is so exposed to it, that the mind understand how to flow the lyrics off my lips with no attention to thought.  I could actually think of something totally mind consuming and still verbalize the lyrics without fail or error.  So anything I want done, must be put into habit.  It just makes sense.  I guess it is taking things that have fallen into habit and taking them out which may cause the greatest issues.  However, if there is one thing I know that can beat any memory issue, it is habit.  That is something that has been proven through unintentional research.  It may not even require the help of humans.  Anything is possible.  Master of Maddness, signing off......

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