May 25th, 2010
|19:21 - All Your Brain Are|
Making a major alteration with how a human being behaves is generally not an easy task. I think the two biggest life changes I have gone through include my dedication to honesty and removing the extremely controlling aspect of my personality.
My life, defined as it is, and the changes made, have generally been the result of other people. I actually remember the key moment that made me work on a path of honesty. I was 13 or so and told my dad a piece of information that was a flat out lie. I did so because it was requested of me. I do not remember exactly how, but he saw right through my lie. I do not remember if I provided conflicting bits of information, or if my face simply lit up red, a problem I had back when lying was as common for me as anyone else. Regardless of the reason things were, some part of me decided to take this route in life. It certainly was not an easy trip.
Humans lie for a few reasons. One reason is that telling the truth would be hurtful to someone. I certainly know that there are times when telling someone something truthful can be extremely painful to the person. However, the other reasons stem on the fact that humans are selfish. I think the number one reason that humans lie is an attempt to escape punishment. One of the beneficial aspects of having a child is having a better understanding of human behavior. Jarin would know he is in trouble over something, and would typically attempt to lie about it so he was not punished for it. At this point in his life, I do not feel that he has the ability to lie because he thinks he is going to hurt mom or dad. There are some times when it seems he simply might be confused, however, when I ask if his TV is on when he is told repeatedly to shut it off, and he says it is off, and I state I am going to check, and he gets anxious and tells me it is not necessary to go check, then I am shown the "birth" of lying. It is not anything humans are taught. If Jarin starts drinking when he gets older, that could be traced back to the fact that mom and dad drink. He has seem beer bottles and he has seen me drink. He has not, however, seen me lie. The closest he ever had me at lying was when I told him not to mention to his mother over the phone about his new bed. I told him to tell mom he was having a good day and playing, without mentioning the bed. I actually had to raise my voice as if he was going to get into trouble if he mentioned it, since he otherwise was talking how great and wonderful his bed was. Still, even that act was done far after the fact he would lie about things if he thought he would get into trouble.
So we are born to want to protect ourselves from our own error. We have this built in mechanism that makes us attempt to save our selves from screwing up, by covering it up the best we can. However that is not the only selfish aspect of lying. We lie in attempts to get our own way. I am sure millions of men on this planet have lied to a woman for the sole purpose of getting laid. Society certainly glorifies this behavior. Women have certainly lied to men over a variety of things. Being male or female certainly means very little in the fact that people lie to get what they want.
So my journey towards the open path of honesty was certainly not a one shot hit. It did take a while before I was able to embrace honesty as my main language. What makes it most difficult, even to this day, is the fact there is one lie that can be extremely difficult to detect, and that is lying to the self. To this day I realize there are things I will do in my life, and when confronted with it, I will see what looks to be truth, however blind myself with a carefully hidden lie. I do a lot of self examination of my life, especially of late, and attempt to understand what feelings and thoughts I have are really truth, and which ones are sugar coated in an attempt to protect my heart or mind from my own human nature. Usually when I catch myself doing it, I feel ashamed and disappointed. I feel as if I have failed, at least when the self lie is something big. I mean, I do not think I ever through myself into a mental loop because I thought I was thinking Arby's and it turned out I really was not.
So because of one major event that happened in my life, I decided to change myself for the better. As noted earlier, there would be another big change in my life, and this time it was not due to one but two people who at the time were important in my life. When I think back to my childhood, I remember one of my closest friends from childhood was someone I practically controlled. I remember in high school always feeling this great sense of power as well. I was the mighty trumpet player who was going to do what I wanted and you were going to deal with it, because that is the way it was back then. Much of my life from then to the point of this story is fuzzy and hazy in my memory, yet, there are some key points that I remember. So anyway, around the same time in life, two people came to me to talk about an aspect of my behavior. I am glad it was two since "the thoughts of the many outweigh the thoughts of the few". I am not sure how far apart it was that both women decided to have a chat with me about me, I really only remember that one was in my apartment, and at that time I am pretty sure that our sexual interactions were done prior to the chat. The truth can hurt, even someone who always asks for it. Being told, "Madd, I have felt you were very controlling" can sting. However, it should hurt. The best way for anyone to make a change to their own self is for it to be hurtful. For someone who does not like inflicting pain on others, or getting pain, it was a great eye opener.
As I noted in a previous entry, my heart and mind hurt due to ways I have been as a human. For the longest time, I followed a path where I treated everyone as if they were the greatest thing in my life until they gave me reason otherwise to do so. When I give deep thought to it, it feels similar to "I will give you everything you want in life until you fall asleep". I understand and know human behavior to realize, sooner or later, people fail. It was my trump card. While a part of me expressed this behavior to others, hoping to extend how nice others would be to me towards first meeting, that other deeper part wanted a way out. This is a big part of understanding that I had issues with commitment. This is the little girl in my mind who I finally realize is not ever growing up (see also A Beautiful Mind). If I truly want to move on with my life, I have to let go of the little girl (outside reference note: this "little girl" to let go is not related to any females [or males] that I know, it is a reference to my now understood fear of commitment).
Well, that was actually slightly off subject to my point, the bigger picture and reason I started writing this entry anyway. It really is time for change. It is time I take the Mirror Effect and rewrite it. There are some (citation needed) who would think my change is due to them. There are people who might even think that my change is an attempt to... get something. I certainly can understand the reason people would think this. In fact, I myself went through some tough times of self reflection to understand if I was changing myself for a person. It did not take me very long to realize this was simply another life changing alteration that I am doing to make myself a better person to the rest of the world. I have seen the pain and suffering I have inflicted on how I have been. The pain and suffering to all are temporary things, I feel. Most women who encountered the negative aspect of the Mirror Effect not only found someone else, but were able to actually start a family with someone who they (assumed) care for with their every being. I know Jessica, Bevin, and Amanda went on to have kids with people they are involved with. So it is obviously the thoughts of what I "did" are no longer something associated with pain and suffering. It would stand to reason they are not the only ones. However, there was a point in one of their lives, where pain in itself (from me), could have been avoided. I think the repeating infinite loop is "So what? They moved on." I best move on topic before I am stuck in a time loop.
So, the big plan. Well, the concept is rather simple. I already have experienced that being a human filled with emotion is going to make it more difficult to "master". Truly treat people the way I want to be treated, period. It is the positive side of the Mirror Effect. It strives on the plan that if people were being malice and pissy at me and I decide to react to that behavior, how exactly would *I* want the other party to be treating me. I mean, people have bad days. People have stress. I have fallen victim to a bad or stressful day, where people interacting with me would get the bad end of a short stick. So if someone is doing me wrong, what is the best way to react back to that person. Some times it is important to remind myself, that by being a better person, I fulfill my selfish desires of happiness, where I give myself a better purpose for existing. Being helpful to the point of clearing up stress in a person's mind, or helping a person with a situation they cannot come to a clear answer, give me a purpose in life. It is that selfish win-win situation where I feel better about myself as a person, and someone else feels better for whatever reason. A dark cloud had been hanging over my head where I was doing more things for me and almost disregarding what others might have felt about it. I certainly do not want others to use or take advantage of me in that manner, so, what logic would make me do that to others?
Is this going to be possible? Yes. Is it going to be easy? No. I already have been applying the behavior to my customers. Some of them are down right mean to me. Despite this, I go above and beyond to take care of their problems, since I know in some instances the world has kicked them when they are already down. More important, and more relevant, is the fact someone special in my life has been getting the brunt of some emotional turbulence. While I find that I have failed here and there at the start, leading to arguments or fights, my ability to place myself in the shoes of the other and realize the inflicted pain of my actions comes much sooner than later. I imagine when my heart and mind are "repaired", my ability to cope and just be the best person I can be will be a lot easier. I still have an emotional trip ahead of me that I will have to deal with, one way or another.
Also since I think about it, there are some aspects of human behavior I am not sure how I would deal with. I really am not sure how I would feel if someone I cared about, and knows me, flat out lied to me. When I start dating, or am married, I really do not know how my mind would react to someone cheating on me. I am unsure how I would compose myself if someone purposefully harmed my child(ren). There are unknown things out there that my mind may not be able to grasp. I have already been caught off guard where I reacted in a way I otherwise would not like someone reacting to me. There are things that have struck me deep. I deal with it now, however did not at the time.
So, that is my master plan for myself. I hope for those who cared enough to make it this far (or were bored and had nothing else to do) realize that while I may fail in my attempts to better myself, that I am honest and true in wanting to make being around me more enjoyable, and in turn, will be more enjoyable around me. I am tired. I think I will change my status from depressed to... tired.
My brain hurts.
Current Location: 925 High St, IA 50309
Current Mood: tired
|Date:||May 28th, 2010 05:28 (UTC)|| |
There are some excellent self realizations in there that you're actually working on instead of just knowing they are there. :)
Ah yes, and in fact, I was just about to post on one of them :)