Madd Martin L Kroeger (madd74) wrote,
Madd Martin L Kroeger


Happy Mother's Day to all moms, especially the one who brought me into this world, and the one who gave me my child.

A 24 hour Floyd station, FFXI, video games, video game music, even my own kid. None of it works. I have not eaten “real” food since over 24 hours ago, when Jen was kind enough to make bacon, eggs, and pancakes. A little while ago, I noticed my innards grumble. However, I have absolutely no desire to eat anyone. Oh my dear word, I just saw "anyone". The word that I was thinking was "anymore". Fuck I hate dyslexia. Add it to the rare list of things in life I have actually hated. I guess now I can no longer say I can count the number of things I have truly hated in my life to one hand. At least, for now, it is contained to hands...

On the flip side, the magical elixir known as "alcohol" had an unusually pleasant affect on me (until I got home). Generally, I take to drink, and I end up magnifying my mood extremely "loud". So, when I am sad, I am more sad. When I am happy, I am more happy. Well, I was MC Hammered last night, and while I was out, I was in extremely great spirits. There is nothing like downing a bunch of depressants to churn out buckets of happiness, and mystify the brain like no other as to "sad + depressant = happiness". Needless to say, it worked.

Of course, there did come the part where I went home, and the more prone sadness did show itself (not to mention the absolute humiliation that is so much, that I will just keep that dumb retarded move on my part and attempt to just keep my mouth quiet before going to bed like I kept repeating that I should have). Nothing like crushing my own spirits even lower than they already are. I guess I was looking for a little comfort. I should have played some Floyd and went to bed. However, oddly again, I woke up with absolutely no hang over. Not only that, I woke up on my own before 9:00.

Still, at some point later I was tired. I think I managed a 10 minute nap.

Well, I have stopped crying (I think) and I do not have people looking at my face and asking me why it looks like I had not been sleeping for days, with my eyes being more bloodshot than when I was ever stoned. As long as I do not go into in-depth discussion about my current issues, I seem to be okay where I can pass myself off as a human going about his general day... ticking yet another day closer to death. I may not want to end my life prematurely, but at this time, I would not mind for a fast forward button, like on Click, so I can just skip towards the end, take a look at the great highlights I have enjoyed, and then be at true peace with God.

I think a problem lies in my projecting and understanding what is going to be happening in the next 10+ years, yet realizing, it is going to be a little bit worse than projected. Also, I have come to the realization, that logic has failed me. Since logic, my world, has failed me, it makes much of what I say a hypocritical lie. I cannot stand hypocrisy. A few relationships of mine went south (bad) because of the level of hypocrisy. Well, now I guess that means I cannot stand myself. Wow, logic is not an epic total fail after all.

Time (non-Floyd) is going to be my enemy. The thing with someone dying, we get over it at some point, because the person does continuously die. It is not like, Grandma dies, and then a week or so later, oops, she died again. She dies, we mourn, we move on. As horrible as it sounds, I would rather my issue(s) be related to a close personal death (no, not a reference to anyone specific). The exception to this is Jarin. I could "tolerate" anyone dying except him. Yeah, I would be devastated if my mom or dad died. It would last some time. However, I am confidant in ten years, I would be able to "function". Yeah, I am sure before then even, however the point is at some point I would be at peace, like I am with Grandma Kroeger (love you Grandma!)

My dyslexia has increased, dramatically. In fact, Peetave met an unnecessary demise at my stupidity today (thank goodness she is not a mom). I just had to cast one spell. One. Chainspell was up, meaning that the spell (Escape) would have went off instantly. Yeah, I would have still taken a few hits, but I would have escaped out and been safe. Instead, I literally could not see the spell. I mean, it is the equivalent of stepping into a manual transmission vehicle, and thinking, "Hmm... now what do I do?" I know where the spell is. I have cast it before. For whatever reason, the words were so jumbled up, that I simply did not see it... until I was laid out dead, lost all my experience for that level, and ended up all the way back to Jeuno, which in game walking time to where I wanted to be, is about... 50 minutes (about half by Chocobo).

My desire to help out and listen to people has increased. The logic behind that is most likely two fold. Since my mind is so... unfocused and bouncing from thought to thought, troubleshooting and listening require my mind to switch gear and process the information and focus. So, my problem is put on hold, and your problem gets attention. Also, that sense of purpose kicks in. For a brief moment, I think I mean something in the universe (totally forgetting that on a universal level, all actions of everyone are basically nothing). This should not be confused with meaning in life, which is another story, and this one is... well... getting way longer than I expected. Imagine that... I am emotional, and getting long winded. Never saw that coming.

For those not familiar, and who did not learn this information in your psychology class, your husband/boyfriend/ex is not a cold pig who is ignoring you when you attempt to talk to him, his brain is physically wired to focus on one thing at a time, while your brain, the wife/girlfriend/ex, is physically designed to "jump" all over... some would call this multitasking, however, multitasking means you are processing the information properly, which unfortunately you are not. Case and point is the study that showed this. Headphones were put on by a group of males and females. There was a story on each side of the headphone. The person was asked to remember a story, any story, and give information about it. This task was difficult for the women, since their brain was picking up information here, and information there. So they while they might have been able to give more "information", in terms of understanding the story, well, that did not happen. The guys, on the other hand, would select one of the stories, and stick with it.

On that note, the next time "yous" (plural, since English sucks as a language, and in this case, directed to the females who have made it this far) decide to get all pissy and scream at your counterpart because he is getting up and going all around when you are attempting to talk to him, take into consideration that he most likely has something pressing on his mind, and that no matter how important you think it is, his brain may just be having issues adjusting and focusing... especially if he is dyslexic. I would say be nice to him, but... it is not like you are going to listen to men anyway. Hmm, I typed "men", but my brain was thinking "me".

Holy shit this was a lot longer than I expected it to be. Well, I do apologize for those I have kept strung along this long. I sincerely appreciate and thank you, however, for taking the time to ride with me this far.

Oh yeah, I am more than certain I posted the psychological study of the male and female brain before. However, given that I do not know the difference between "Pleasant Ville", "Pleasant Valley," or "Hidden Valley Farm", nor do I know the difference between giving my ex $3.7K prior to knocking her up vs. after knocking her up, or the fact I already "forgot" about 45% of this post, well, I can only say... "I apologize for the inconvenience that I have personally caused you."
Tags: alcohol, beer, crying, death, depression, dyslexia, family, ffxi, god, grandma kroeger, hypocrisy, jarin, mc hammered, more tags than you can shake a stick at, mother's day, pink floyd, psychology, rambling, rant, thank you


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