Madd Martin L Kroeger (madd74) wrote,
Madd Martin L Kroeger

To Finite, and Less

A long time ago, I owned a Final Fantasy CD, Kefka’s Domain. I played the Square out of that CD. I remember when I had feelings for Kit. I say have feelings, however that is extremely vague. It was more like, I would think of her all of the time, and when I was in school, I “had butterflies”. The only “logical” conclusion I could come to was the fact I was in love with her.

See, Kit was the first person I ever feel in love with. In high school, the closest thing I ever had was a crush on my friend Gretchen. So here I am, 19+, and just discovering this crazy feeling. I really did not know what to do about it. I mean, I always looked forward to chatting with her on Mouse Hole. I could up and chat with her for long periods of time and would be happy being in her presence. It is strange thinking back then, especially since until right now thinking about it, I had totally forgotten that part of my life school wise. I totally remember being in my history class at GVC.

Well anyway, since this whole love thing was new to me, I wanted to keep it to myself, yet at the same time, I wanted her to know how much she meant to me in my life. I had not kissed a girl, let along anything else, and my mind was in a blur as to where I was going with the turmoil of these emotions and “feelings of the heart”. Well, I decided to leave it up to God, because when all else fails, ask The Man Whom knows everything. So I said, “Okay, God, here is the deal, I am confused with these feelings and if I should bother telling this woman that I am in love with her and she means the world to me. So this CD is on random, and if the next X songs are [names], then I am going to tell her.”

Now, that is not the exact verbiage used, and I say X songs because honestly that was over 16 some years ago. The memory gets some webs in that span of time. If I remember, I believe it was four songs. The CD used, I believe, was disc one. There are 25 tracks. I stated 4 songs in a specific order (possibility it was 5, but I doubt it, and possibility it was 3). Using basic statistics, your permutation is:

n! / (n-r)! or 25! / (25-4)! or 25! / 21! or (1,551,121x10^19) / (510,909,422 x 10^11) or 303,600 permutations.

So there was a 1 in 303,600 chance that the order I specified was going to actually happen. For statistical documentation, had it been 3 it would have been 13,800 and had it been 5 instead of 4, it would have been 6,375,600. The chances of winning the Powerball jackpot is 1 in 146 million. Well, at any point, it sure seemed like a sign to me. So I acted on it, and I told her my feelings, my love, for her. I… do not exactly remember the initial response that I got. I do, however, remember at one point on a trip back to Clinton that while on the phone with her, after just telling her that I loved her, she returned the favor and said she loved me.

Skip a bit, and at one point talking to her, she told me that she lied. She did not love me at all. She said she did because she liked the nice things I said about her and the nice way I treated her. I explained that she did not ever have to say anything, and I would have continued to be the way I was towards with without change. In essence, I would have provided unconditional love for her no matter what was going on. Well, it certainly devastated me, and there was the first instance when a woman totally used me for her own selfish needs. Oh yeah, she ended up dating our mutual close friend, Aaron. Her comments to me were something on the lines of not being able to accept something she felt she did not deserve, or something on those lines. It countered exactly what happened in her accepting dating Aaron. Oh yeah the other thing, as usual with me, I totally called it all. Some times, being right often is a massive buzz kill in life.

I still love her to this day. It is true of anyone I love. My love for her has not ever stopped and I am sad that I have no clue how to find or reach her, just to see what is going on in her world. My current guess, married with a kid. As long as she is happy... and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana shaped.

So here it is, your moment if Zen…

Tags: final fantasy, gvc, holy grail, kit, love, memories, music, statistics, women

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