April 6th, 2011


White Mage Laundry

You know, I have wanted some motivation to write for some time. My mind has really been out of it. While there is something more important I wanted to write about than what I am about to, some laundry could use the White Mage treatment.

I am pretty much told what an ass I am for airing my personal laundry out. I think at some point I came to accept this as a truth. In fact, I wrote a super huge, and what I thought was nice, apology for it.

Well, on that note, when someone is hypocritical and starts to basically bad mouth me, publicly, I feel a necessity that if it is done so, it is done so in truth, not fabrication.

There was a comment made, it said, "A man who deserves respect, has strong enough personal character to command it, and does not demand it."

Here is the "demand" in question:

"FYI, I was totally caught off guard with Jarin's call on my first break.
Could you please give me like a 5 min head up before he calls when I work? I
would greatly appreciate it."

Now, the person in question may rant off how this comment here points to that person's name, while the person's quote above would have reference to no one. I would point out that mere moments after that person's quote, I was approached by one of my friends not only smart enough to figure out it was about me, but to ask about it. I will also add, I am doing the same thing. Notice I put NO name whatsoever in terms of the person in question.

The person in question has done little to nothing to get respect from me. The things claimed that are "for me", are in actuality, for someone else. In fact, it was SPECIALLY TOLD TO ME that it was for someone else. When it comes to the amount of respect and restraint that I have ATTEMPTED to do, for such a long time, it is legendary (for me). I have gone out of my way and done so much in attempting to fix things that I have no reason to be attempting to be fixing. I have provided in ways that go well beyond not being appreciated for. I will not go into details. There is no point of it, as I have nothing to prove, only something to get of my chest that bothers me.

It might also be said, that when I have personally paid a trip to the ER, since my body is in NO WAY OR SHAPE able to go through so personal distress, and I ask someone to just stop and leave me along for the night, because as per their usual they always (and yes, always does actually apply here) have to have the last word, well, that goes even more so in not being respectful.

The fact is, that for once, I truly was not doing anything other than wanting some time with my boy, who as anyone who knows me, knows I love more than life itself. I have made tons of sacrifice. While I know I am not the only one, this comment is about my love for my son, so much so, that in the past I have done known irrational anger. Yes, I have done things that I otherwise would not have, in terms of jumping to anger. One of the biggest reasons I do not now, is due to the fact I have seen the toll it has had on my physical body.

So why angry now? Well, because there comes a point where I get fucking sick of being abused, for NO REASON. If I put in some sort of cause, I can understand it. Things happen with technology. So, I may not get to talk to my son for whatever. Also, if there is one thing hat is a saving grace, it is apologizing for said actions. I have the ability to sit back, peacefully, and wait for an apology when I am told times or things that will happen, and do not happen. In the past, not so much, in the present, you damn bet ya. After all, I would be a hypocrite for being pissed off at someone for technology, when technology in itself has failed me, as have unforeseen events. To hose unforeseen events, you bet your ass I apologize. I tend to over apologize, even, because as a human being, I take responsibility for things that are my own. This spills to work. Customers tell me I have no reason to apologize as I do as I did not create the problem. The fact is, I select to work for a company, and if they make a mistake, then I make a mistake, because I have a voice in my company. If I worked at a place that used child labor, and chops up babies into pieces of meat, and the CEO raped woman on command, and I know it, and I continue to work for that company, well, that is my choice. If paying my mortgage and FFXI monthly fees is that much more important to me, then so be it, that is who I am.

Yet, I am not. So the usual excuse (as there always is one), is how I do nothing but nit pick. Nit-pick? Interesting comment coming from someone who had not even a week before, sent me a TXT stating, "I don't want to nit pick, but...". Anyone for a cup of projection?

I would have left this as is, in the court of my own personal demons that keep me up at night because my heart is beating so irregular over it. My last huge apology (I think that one, might have been one before, I apologize more often than not now) ended up costing me about $500. I was so worked up, that I attempted to work it out by at least doing what I appear to be rather decent at: taking my own blame, and apologizing for how angry and upset I got over something. As I remember, the reason was valid enough, because there are times things happen I don't like, so I address it, and most of the time (not always, not all) I attempt to address my feeling, I get a nasty attitude back, since someone seems to think that works on me (and I think it apparent having any nasty attitude works the opposite, and if you don't believe me, ask my son Jarin who I am about to let play a game, or give a treat, and then he cops an attitude, and then he gets nothing). Yet it does not.

Honey works better than vinegar. This is a common saying, and I see it not being applied, by a LOT of people, not one person, not even a targeted audience of the people reading this entry.

SERIOUSLY, to EVERYONE out there. So much bad shit is going on in this world. You, like my, do things for the sake of our own self. It could be argued (and I would have difficulty disproving it) that the very love I have for Jarin... that the very love I have for God, is a selfish act. Every single comment or reply I make to all humans or my Maker, is derived from some self servicing motivation from the very fabric of my existence. This means you also (and yes, you in this case is extremely plural). So you want what you want. So I want what I want. Don't be an ass in getting what you want. When you are about to take something from someone, or you are about to be mean to someone, or you are about to do whatever it is to someone, STOP, and ask yourself, would you want what you are about to unleash on someone else, unleashed towards you?

I have strived more and more to live this life. Mentally, I fail, because I think and fantasize of some fucked up shit that makes even me worry. In practice, however, I like to think I am actually doing rather well.

I know spies are out there, gathering information and passing it along. This is a public entry, thus, I obviously allow it as anyone can read it. I am not the only one with people watching out for my back. That is fine that it is passed on as well.

I will say this much, to anyone, who I would ever have conflict with. I have no problem keeping any conflict between the parties involved. When you want to subtly air this conflict, in any way shape or form, I will fight back with the same, ESPECIALLY when you not only do it one sided, but in a way that makes me someone TOTALLY not who you(s) are claiming. I do not care how subtle you *think* you are.

Apologies are gold, for anyone, at the right time.

I have a bloody bowel movement to take care of. Totally unrelated to anything other than me attempting to keep tabs of he failings of my aging body (see also my blood tag for all the wonderful times my body does things it is not suppose to).

Now maybe my heart can better function, and my mind can finally calm down, as they were both doing so well for so long. On a totally unrelated note...

... I am getting married (to Alienesse) :) It is a fun and exciting story, I hope to share with all of my stalkers, sooner than later. Sorry for the vacation from you, JOHD!