August 3rd, 2010

Alex Bruise

Quarter Liberty

I wonder if there is a job that the sole purpose is to come up with name titles? Hmm...

I had a dream about my Grandpa Kroeger. It is significant due to the fact I have not seen him since he died when I was 14 or so. Also, I cannot think of the last time I had a dream about him. I imagine it was probably two years or so. I really cannot remember. He was a very great man. I am happy that I had a dream about him. There is something about having good dreams about past family members that puts happiness in my heart. I remember being in a car with him. I think my dad was in the back seat. We were going somewhere, and there was something up with the engine of the car. Grandpa was unable to deal with the noise it was making, so while it was running he sprayed something on a cloth and then proceeded to grab onto the belts as they moved around. There was some other stuff, however I do not remember. It has also been awhile since I have had such a vivid dream. I use to have them frequently, however now I am lucky if I even remember having one. Time to jump tracks.

If there is one thing I have learned, is when someone is having a bad moment, better take care in what you say to them. I know this a lot from the things Jen says to me when I am having a bad moment, and it generally leads to an all out explosion of anger or worse. Nicole was having a bad moment and venting to me about it. It is good my girlfriend at the time would come to me to vent. Now... if there is one thing I have learned, is when someone is having a bad moment and venting to you, the way they vent can be extremely different than the way you do. Lesson learned. I like to joke about life, in general. There are very few times that I am dead serious about something, with no tolerance for joking. A few times in the past, people have attempted humor in one of these rare occasions with me, and I warned them I was not in the mood. What they did from there was their responsibility.

Well, the lesson learned was Nicole just wants to vent about a specific subject, and that is that. Not knowing this at the time, I was attempting to make humor, and from that the day of Saturday would otherwise change things for me. So, we had an argument. More than once Nicole has made a reference to asking me why we were dating (during fighting). Since I heard it more than once, I simply asked why she did not dump me if she was unhappy with the relationship. Now, this is where I learn how dyslexia lives up to one of its titles of "difficulty maintain a relationship". This would not be the first time that I have improperly worded something. I have worded things with Nicole (as well as other people, however this is not about other people) improperly before, with totally different intentions, and things just went bad from that point. *sigh* I will not say the fault is with Nicole, even though there is. I will not say the fault is with me, even though there is. Confused yet? Good, I appear to do that well, hehehe. Actually that is my special way of saying, two people fuck up communication, not one.

Well, a lot of people have been concerned about me. I thank these people from the bottom of my heart. I also want to keep people up to speed as to what really happened, without getting into too much personal information that is not related to me. I think I have shown that I leave very little of my specific personal life a secret from the world. The only way people can know Madd for Madd is if Madd is expressing who Madd is when Madd thinks Madd knows who Madd is. Yes, I was seeing how many times I could use my name in a sentence and it still be grammatically correct.

Well, to that, I thought I would also point out that we decided just how important each other is to the other. We are still talking, to the point that (and this is where I am confused and require some talking to straighten things out) we are looking to restore our relationship. There is a possibility we are dating and I am not aware of it. I say a possibility only because I noticed our status has not changed *big grin*. I am not going to push anything, as doing so has potential to cause issues, and if there is one thing I am attempting to avoid, is causing issues.

Even the next day after the breakup (Sunday) I woke to a nice message at 9:30 or so stating "I love you". It was extremely unexpected and very much appreciated. She said the love for me did not change, and while that is true, a general rule notes that when someone is angry with someone they normally do not make comments of endearment towards the person they are unhappy with. So it was a great thing to see. Oh dear, that reminds me on something I said I wanted to clarify.

I told Nicole she lied about something, specific words said to me and feelings. I said it out of extreme hurt, and I am very sorry so saying such a thing. It is on a subject I have gone through with many women now. Jen, Jessica, and a few others make some comment, and later I note how it was a lie. I do not mean it is a lie to me. These things rarely are. It is a lie to the self. Specifically, Jen and Jessica noted that I was the only person they ever wanted to be with. The problem is I called both ladies out on that at the specific time it was said. In both cases, I was chastised (or maybe even argued, I do not remember). The point is, I would not want anyone to think they would have to stay "committed" to me while I am off with another woman (or dead). I mean, it is silly to think any person who be committed to someone forever. Even GOD says, "until death do us part." Now, in Nicole's case, we talked about this long ago, and it seemed she was on a similar page, so it is not like she said she would be with no one else ever again. It was just a few comments she noted about being with me. Still, when you are hurt (you being Madd), you (again this time being Madd) sometimes use a very bad logic that comes out wrong. So, this is my public apology for a few of the comments I said about her love or feelings towards me. I was wrong, and I am sorry. I apologize for even attempting to note that the love Nicole has for me would be different, whether she was breaking up with me or not.