July 29th, 2010

ATHF mooninites

1FR Evil

I am extremely unhappy that when I got back home and at some point queued up Eureka that the recording had failed. I was really getting into the episode and then it died out on me. As I left Friday, and remembering how the trip to Cheese went, it does not come as a surprise. Still, it bums me out a little bit that it happened. Luckily SyFy likes to repeat the eff out of shows. Unfortunately, I will have to wait until tomorrow. I guess I can catch up on Hell’s Kitchen.

My brain hurts. My mind is drained and it is slightly more difficult to process information than usual. My greatest weakness is Jarin. I can get extremely irrational when it comes to the connection between my child and myself. I have found this out multiple times now. My other weakness is being misunderstood. It is a little more complex than my kid. With Jarin, anyone could get in the way with the connection of my kid and get a holy hell beating (not physical mind you, unless someone physically acted upon him, then that might change). With misunderstanding, it takes someone who actually means something to me. Customers misunderstand me a lot. That is one of the reason some of them are calling in, because they have no clue what they are doing. That is fine. Some friends I know misunderstand me. That is normally okay because I can clarify things. However, going on months of it… somehow that allows my mind to slip into that “Mair” place. I know I talked about it before, however I think it bears repeating. I always wanted to correct Mair in terms of her “Madd you are making my head hurt.” In my world, I do not have the ability to do so. She chooses what she thinks. I wonder just how much of that is actually true anymore. It literally feels like something has been sitting on the inside of my skull while I was hanging upside down, and it has been applying pressure to that point of my head. I is not like a headache. A headache is a totally different feeling. So I am not sure where this stems from. I am not exactly sure the first time I got it, however I know I am getting it a lot more lately. I honesty wonder if I am burning my brain out. You rev an engine on high for long periods of time, and you can damage it to the point of a siege. I wonder if I am doing the same thing to myself. There is a terrible evil that dwells in the insides of a Madd. It is an evil I cannot seem to shake. It is an evil that I choose to live inside of me. However, I am unsure as to how to remove it. Long trips suck when it is not suppressed. I can end up repeating the same five minutes worth of information for an entire six hour trip. Not Floyd, not my girlfriend, not Jarin, not even thoughts of God get rid of it. I am unsure how to displace this into something else, and my ability to suppress it is faulty since it is balanced on the existence of an outside force. I am a bad human being because of it. I am less than the person next to me because of my inability to let it go, and when it is finally hidden away from my reach, reviving it is easier than a drunken prom slut naked in a room of horny dudes with money to burn. I am a broken human being who is no longer in control of my own self. I have an emptiness inside me that consumes me like a cancer. If I did not have a child depending on me, I seriously wonder if I would do something drastic. I do not mean offing myself. However I do mean living a new life. I feel like a paper clip being bent back and forth. I attempted to reboot my brain by going to WI, and at first it started working, however then drastic issues fell through Sunday night. My attempt was… thwarted. Do not get me wrong, I still had a great time. Stingray, his lady, and Blairzilla were a real treat. We had a guest star of Angie and she was a fun addition (even though I am sad I somehow missed getting a picture with her). Still, any time I was left alone that evil inside me would creep up. I should call up Ramsey and tell him my story and tell him to pretend I am fucking up some fine dining, so that he can rip me a new one and I can be more concerned that my head will end up with some risotto. I hope they get the difference between crab and lobster... I so love lobster and miss it.

On a closing note, I love my girlfriend.