May 29th, 2010

ani-AvP

...

Never in my life have I been so utterly and completely right about something. Never in my life have I ever wanted to be so wrong. Only once in my life have I felt pain close to this, and even that was so young ago and I was so long that I am not even sure that is a fair comparison. For the first time ever, I feel regret. I totally feel regret. I did not think it possible, but I think of how I... SO... could have done something... one thing... little things here and there, one big thing here, and have gotten the better results that I had hoped for.

I want to crawl into a hole and just sleep. I want to wake up in time for Jarin's graduation. I apologize for all the people of late I may have alienated or snapped at and the like, however now that judgement has been passed and I am where I am, I do not have this almost panic attack state that my mind switches into.

I wish I was stupid. Ignorance is real bliss. I have to pray to God to ask He not let my heart get filled with anger and hate. I feel like such a tool and horrible human being that I would have to request such a thing.

Well, getting that out stopped the crying... this time...

Everything is pretty much clear to me now. The answers I searched for are where they are, and I noted when I figured things out I would talk about it to everyone so that those who care deeply for me would have a better understanding and not be so completely lost. So I just have to compose myself, and I will. Oh, and to save everyone the time and effort, even though i do not work until Tue and it is Sat now, absolutely shitty weekend...