May 19th, 2010



Madd Martin has feared commitment. There, I said it, I admit it. Throughout the career of dating, there has been something in me that feared "taking that 'final' step". It started with Heather, and it ended with Jennifer (baby's mother Jennifer).

The fear manifested itself in that "looking for the perfect person and finding a flaw" in them. Finding a flaw in a human is extremely simplistic. It goes from the psychological concept known as "ideal". When I tell you chair, you have this "perfect idea" of what a chair is in your mind. This chair that exists in your mind, however, does not, and will not ever exist in the real world. Even if you have a favorite chair and anytime someone mentions "chair" you think of this chair, there are aspects of this chair you are thinking about in real life that still do not live up to the ideal. Maybe adding a foot rubbing mechanism or other oddities to it, in your mind, make this chair "better".

Well, people certainly do this of other people. We think of the perfect person to have babies and marry. There is this ideal of the perfect mate for anyone with the cognitive ability to properly conceive "marriage". Well, just like a chair, no one can live up to the expectations of this ideal person.

I have the ideal woman in my mind, the one I want to marry and have a family with. I have come across some wonderful women in my life. Of course, I have come across some not so wonderful women also. There was a time when I might wonder about the longevity of a lady, however some "thing" would pop up that would give me an excuse to question. If I tied myself down, then I no longer had the option to find this other woman who I had not met with and be with her. This would throw doubt into my brain, and adding the self fulfilling prophecy, the relationship would ultimately fail. If there is one thing I have really learned about myself, and the fact it is time to change for me, is the fact, I have felt some of this pain, many times over. I call it karma coming to pay Madd a visit and make me pay up on some past dues owed. While it has been painful to me, I am glad, because now I know the extreme pain I have unintentionally pushed onto others. If I did this to someone else, and it caused her such pain, and it happens to me and causes me a lot of pain, then there is no point in doing it anymore to anyone else I run across. I cannot change anything I have done in the past to anyone. I can simply learn from it and move on.

On the note of moving on... well... I think that is another story for another day :) There has been something on my mind of massively important proportions, and I think before I start talking about it to the world, and fear/scare/excite people to a mental break down, it is important that I finish up a loose end in my life first. Finish situation, then talk to the general world :) Wow, actually thinking things through :D

Oh yeah, on a totally almost unrelated topic, I believe I have found out the reason my updates from JOHD are not making it to my FB status. In an attempt to make life "easier" for those who want to know what is going on with me, yet, do not want to follow 8 different social media sites (exaggeration, more like 3-4), I decided to take my wall post that was not updating and posting to my status, and simply manually do it. Well, when I tried that, I got a reCAPTCHA that popped up. That is when it hit me, that the fail comes from this reCAPTCHA. I know people have been talking about it, however I have read nothing on what anyone else has found or any proposed solutions.