February 1st, 2008


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Hmm... on any medium, it has been an extremely long time since I have written anything. A lot has happened since I did write anything, even the personal behind human eye's thing. I am tired right now, despite going to bed the moment I got home from work. Jarin got me up, nothing new. Made him a bottle, did a few things before my body told me I was dying. I attempted to respond through sleep, and like clockwork, the moment I want a nap is the time Jarin decides he wants to act up. Pacifiers are a gift from God, that God decides will work at times for us. It is not always, it is some times, and this some time I was granted something along the line of a 45 minute nap or so. I get dead tired a lot these days. Even days I am granted actual sleep, in terms of hours, my body is just wore out beyond any belief. I have nothing in my past to compare this to. I have grown use to it. It has become a part of my life like anything else that is a part of my life, such as work, taking care of video games, stuff breaking down, the like. I really do not think about it, even when it is happening. I many times find myself wondering what deep down inside I am thinking about it, along with a lot of other things. I really do not see myself as the human I use to be. This is not related to my long drawn out attempts at moving past being human. I think I have gotten worse. I think of how I use to think about life, and relationships, before I ran across one woman. It is amazing what the symbolization of usnig a condom can really mean, for the moment I broke that barrier for the first time in my existance, especially after fighting offers for the same with others, my life seem to change. It was almost like... I had an excuse to be a dick. I let my dick out. It touched inside, not the mouth, the part of human developement that creates life... that made my life. I let the outter dick out, and that trust was broken, so now I had a reason to let my inner dick out. I do not like excuses. I want to get rid of all of them. All I hear is excuses, and I give out excuses also. Sinning down and around, far away from anything I can better understand. Man I miss my donkey.

So I am not really myself. I wonder what would fix that. Everything in life has an answer, and everything broke has a fix. The question is, what. This was not meant to be personal, I owe you that much, two actually, to explain.