January 9th, 2007

ani-madd faces

Poo Poo Plater

Madd's Log, Maddate 070108.18:
-DVD movie: Jackass 2
-DVD movie: Mitch Hedberg
-return JAMAH
-late night drunken typing
-not ready for bed
-ready for day
-Wii Sports/wi
-1330,work: 2 HR OT \ more expensive than usual parking \ 6 min late
-Raine and Madd mutiny
-poop: emergency session
-lunch: Jen/O \ caffeine \ House DVD \ convo on apology
-echat Jen

As I watched Jackass 2, I thought it strange that people, including myself, would be so fascinated by the hurt and insanity of self inflicted pain that is caused to one’s own self.  I still wondered the reason I enjoyed watching this.  I know that I would not have ever watched it if it was not for Sparky.  He wanted to show episodes for me a long time ago, back when he was in his other house.

The outro movie was Mitch, as it had been a while since we had seen him.  At this point, I know Spark was to the point of leaving the conscious world.  When he takes a shot, and most of it is still there, that is a good indication he is nice and toasties, hEhEhE!!  I was still holding my ground rather well, my wits about me and stuff.  I still get a kick out of listening to a Mitch Hedberg not-so-special, and I am glad I thought to play it.

So after that, I decided it was getting late and time to go home.  I returned home, noticing Jen passed out on the couch.  I decided to write, and just want to warn you, JOHD, that the following is after the drinking fest:

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Well, that was my nice mental thought before bed, how nice was that.  Issues, and a lot of them, deep into the brain cause a lot of problems to transpire.  I know that the biggest one IS the fact of me just existing in my day, and this thought of, “what if” being followed by death there is no more.  The thoughts on God bother me, and they do so very much.  Not that I have an issue with God, it is the issues I have with feeling I have betrayed Him, above and beyond the normal human stupidity.  That gets me all messed up for a lot of things, thinking wise.  I hope I figure out what my real issues are.

Well, I had gone upstairs, to get ready to sleep, but not get ready for night.  Jen had gotten up and came upstairs.  As I was passing out in bed with her, she made a comment about something, even though I do not remember exactly what it was.  It was something I said here, regarding feelings of what she might feel to me or what I might think, or something.  I was tired, I cannot remember.

I woke up... not wanting to wake up, and sure as shit not wanting to go to work for over ten hours.  The router had lost the wireless connection, yet again.  This is starting to get more frequent that I would like.  The gaming otherwise went okay for the day, even though I had myself handed in Bomberman again, and I was no where close to doing anything in FFXI, minus killing weak creatures to get random drop items to attempt to trade for my damn well earned New Year gift.

I really did not feel myself.  The drive to work would turn into an ugly trip as trucks were just sitting there blocking traffic, and the construction being done would have me go in the totally opposite direction.  Add to the fact that I ended up late, and the fucking money grubbing government raised meter rates, AGAIN, and it leads to a whole lot of unhappiness.

As I was sitting at work, it re-occurred to me, that I am most likely depressed, and by that, I mean the depression I use to have ten years ago.  A few times I thought about it, and it would explain a lot in the lines of the bad thoughts on death, and the problems I have attempting to be with Jen, and not being excited about things, and the like.  As far as psychologists would state, depression is a disease that never truly goes away.  Things can be done to control and manage it, and you can get medicated for it, however, you never really get away from it if you have it.  I had it extremely bad as a teen, and some time shortly after.  I wonder if it has come back... or, I guess, that the defenses that had it at bay are no longer working.

How did I cope with depression?  Music, God, video games, Pink Floyd.  Living with myself, I remember not being so depressed either.  When I lived with father, this seemed to not be as much the case, because I felt controlled.  I know that some times I feel that way with Jen, that I am not able to live the life that is me.  This is a feeling, mind you, it is not necessarily a rational one.  Oh yeah, shmoking weed and partying a lot also seemed to be something that kept me going strong, as did hanging with friends.  I really do not do a lot of that any more.  Some of it is totally my fault.  The music situation, for example, is something that I have more control over than I am giving.  I know that in the big depressive days, that I used Floyd a lot.  That seemed to do the trick every time.  So, I can not help but think, that part of my problem I am experiencing is depression.  It is something worth looking into.

Well, one thing that actually went right for the day was Jen, sending me a message, apologizing for over reacting to what I said last night.  It seems admittance to some fault still ranks high in making me feel good.  Oh, not that I am right and she is wrong or anything like that, but the fact she can admit things are not all my fault.  I many times get the feeling as if I am being blamed for everything, and that wears down on me.  I take responsibility for most of what is wrong with me, and I want others to do the same, especially my girlfriend.  For with that, then my child will know to start taking responsibility for his or her actions (when finally old enough to not be totally selfish, as many children are).  I have been concerned, at times, not always, that Jen would not take responsibility for things.  This is the reason her overreacting and simply saying she is pregnant does not fly with me.  Even if being pregnant causes the extra emotions in her responses and reactions to things, if she tells herself she is pregnant, and nothing she can do about it, then she would not work to correct the problems she may or may not have.  This goes with being hungry, not having sleep, and everything else that can cause actual issues with mental functioning.  I think it one of the biggest problems with society, and I noted my concern about that yesterday talking about pregnant people calling me wanting their service fixed.  However, pregnant people are a minority to the bigger picture.  I know I do it, and I really do not ever want to.  Something happens, and I act a certain way, un-pleasurable, and note how because of this or that, I reacted in that way.  That is passing excuse, even if it is truly the reason I am whatever I am.  Getting up at 0800 in the morning for some time, I have “changed” into a different being.  I do not think it right that I state my continued behavior is due to that state.

So yeah, that help fuel a better day.  She wanted to note she was not taking 100% responsibility, however I think it is well noted, stated, and documented, that the last thing I do is think any one person is 100% at fault for any problem.  There are ways that I choose to respond to things that put accountability in my pocket.  She even added “her fair share”.  She apologized, and it was one of the ones that I felt as a real apology, and not a “mother is telling to me apologize to you” apologies that I some times get (generally if she is pissy).

I also worked on getting my homework faxed in.  This times, it turns out that when I sent all six pages, they only got the last one.  Oh my fucking word, is this ever going to end.  I decided to do one page at a time then, because the people who paid for it are getting impatient.  Hmm... they paid for this in November and have not gotten results yet.  Okay, maybe they are not impatient, hEhEhE!  Anyway, it was going beyond bothering me.  I cannot remember how many times I faxed in this stuff.  I think this is my fourth time, maybe third.

Another note, this one unhappy, is that I finally got my full exam scheduled.  The unhappy part is that it is at 0830 on my day off, Monday.  {sigh}  How much is that going to suck?  I have my regular yearly exam, then I have my knee and my ribs.  My ribs have been getting more uncomfortable, to the point, at times, of being painful.  Maybe I have cancer.  Oh who knows what is wrong with me.  I simply want it to go away.  I am to the point, if it helps, I will go under the knife to fix the knee and chest and everything else with me.  I want it gone.  Oh, no, not my ribs, I like those.  The problem, I want it gone, the pain.

Mair noticed that I was not talkative, and we talked a bit about what was going on with me.  It is nice, for it seems Mair is one of the first to really acknowledge my feelings on the matter (I exclude Jen from this since she is part of what is going on).  Something about that was very nice also.  The combo of Mair and Jen made things seem better in the day.  Oh yeah, moving Alex to a better spot was nice also.

Raine and myself were definitely defiant today.  I even had sent an email reply to Jen about the planned baby shower on 2-10.  hAhAhA!!  Smoke that, managers!  I figure if the managers are going to continuously walk around, keeping tabs on us, treating us like little children, that I would step to the plate and act like the little child they wanted me to.  So, I kept accessing Raine.  Points for Madd!

Oh yeah, I had an emergency stop to the bathroom.  I realized if I kept giving off gas, that soon, it was not going to be.  In fact, I double checked when I was in there, just to make sure I had not made an accident, hEhEhE!  Ah yes, there is nothing more satisfying that talking about my emergency sessions with co-workers who are beyond not wanting to hear about it!

Lunch time came, and I went down to see Jen.  The spaghetti that looked... a bit nasty due to being left out, looks a lot better after being cooked.  Jen and I had a nice time together, and I thanked her for her words and let her know they meant a lot to me.  I was able to talk about going to the bar, and just other things in general (like the possibility of going under the knife after she was pregnant), and it was nice.  No bad responses or anything.  I was very happy about that.

So it was a better day.  I love Jen very much, JOHD, do not give doubt to that.  There are things I know I have to work on in order to better the relationship between the both of us, and I hope to do well on that.

Can you believe it?  I am screening, again.  I thought this was a most excellent time to catch up with you.  I think I have done an excellent job, even though this week is a three day weekend, so we shall see just how well I have progressed, as I claimed I would.  Master of Maddness, signing off......

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