Madd’s Log, supplemental:
Well, this entry is actually for the populous of the reading world, not for me. See, I already posted my entry. This one entry is larger than most entries I have ever done. It is private, and not for human viewing. I wanted to point this out, however, and recap a few things of my actual day.
Jen and I got into a fight, as was shown starting in my previous public entry. I attempted to keep my tongue, however, I failed. It turned into me telling Jen I was done with her, noting, “this time I mean it”. Jen, uncontrollably upset, started to pack, and I almost left it at that, except for the fact at some point as I was upstairs, listening to her being upset all the way in the basement, the thought of pregnant hormones flopped over and over. I attempted to fight this thought, because I did really just want to be done with it. However, I did not, I went down to get and talk to Jen.
The premise was, Jen is upset I do not seem to include her into her life. She felt as if things like my video games were more important than her, and that she wanted to be included as they are. My point is, she is, more so than anything else in my life right now. I spend more time with her than anything, and once again, many personal attacks were made against my being, which as any human who knows me, did not go over well.
So that would be the “thesis” of the night. One thing I asked her, was about her self image of selfishness. She feels that she is just average. I feel she is above average, and I do so from the actions of her, and the fact that, of any of the yelling or arguments I have done towards her, is in this regards. Now, I did not tell her up that she is simply more selfish than average. I compared it to a very valid story of a self experienced problem, a time when I was almost nothing but controlling towards my friends. Hearing such a brutal thing is not easy for the EGO, hence the reason we have EGO defenses to protect ourselves from our actions like that. Mine worked on me, however, my desire for true is stronger than my EGO defenses. It just means, that some times, I require an outside source to hit me in the fact. Some times, I really feel Jen could use a similar kick. This is not because I think I am better, or because I think she is wrong, or anything else. I want her to see her for her own self, not her through rose colored glasses. For as I noted to her, I have worked hard to make sure this relationship does work, or, I really would give up.
That was another thing that was flung around a bit, how I just want to up and give up on our relationship. The closest thing I know I am experiencing is a psychological situation known as flooding, which shorts me out, causing a state of cognitive dissonance. While other things are also entering my existence, this is the largest known experience I feel. So I feel this, and I just want to move on. It goes into more graphic detail in my actual entry, however, I am not here to slander or the like.
So things were... calmed down, as we went to sleep. When I woke up, I was basically depressed through the majority of the day. Depression is a state that I no longer experience on a day to day experience, so the few rare times it comes my way, my entire thought process is pretty much well out of whack. I was extremely down on myself, a lot dealing with my inability to deal with extremely emotional swings (Jen), which gets to me, for I feel that I should, about as much as a mathematician should be able to solve a quadratic equation. Whether it is true or not is another story, still, I make my life to understand and deal with human behavior. Jen may be emotionally tripping nuts to a new planet (that later will be denounced as simply a rock in space), however, I pride myself in dealing with situations, and not giving up, and yes, a part of me realizes I want to, very much so.
Throughout the work day, which sucked, and not just because I miscalculated my schedule and was an hour late, I dealt with... pain, and a lot of it. Jen, who has started chatted with my via gmail chat, seemed to be in a lot better spirits than I did. Calls were long, the day just seemed to be falling apart. It was rated four, which is most definitely a new, and of course, for some time, calls were massively busy. I sure as shit was not looking forward to coming home. I really felt a loss of life, just not caring about being alive, and that is a rarity. It is not a one track deal. Jen is not just a bad person, and we leave it at that. As noted, many times in my actual entry, there is plenty of blame on my persona. That is my story, and even know, I am sticking to it (current mood and icon brought to you by the private entry that only Madd sees).