October 10th, 2006


Beef Jerky Present

Madd's Log, Maddate 061009.15:
-DVD movie: Holy Grain \ directory commentary
-DVD movie: Viva la Bam
-DVD movie: Silverhawks
-return Jen/O
-not ready for bed
-LJ comments
-ready for day
-1430,work: 1 HR OT \ expensive parking
-Raine: LJ comment extravaganza
-knee problems

Well, we got a nice treat with Spark picking Holy Grail from my stash, as we got to listen to the audio commentary with Eric, John, and Michael.  It is amazing some of the information given, such as some of the scenes where people were about to lose it, and until they pointed it out, not all of them were otherwise noted.  Cool flipping Holy beans!  I started to lose consciousness, and realized that I missed some of the movie, like the black beast, and the holy hand grenade.  Crap, I barely had any shots.  I was just simply wore out, as I have been for some time now, getting up well before my body is ready.  The same happened with Silverhawks, so it was definitely time to head home... oh wait, I no longer have a bed, so I guess head to Jen’s place. 

Well, she was already up, and heard me come in as she came down to see me.  As I attempted to be passed out in her bed, she went on about how North Korea had done nuke testing.  Hmm... maybe that was in the morning.  Man everything was all jumbled together.  When I woke up, it was not pretty either as it tasted as if I threw up in my mouth.  Now, I know I did not actually toss cookies, it simply felt as if I did.  I was not even hung over, how strange is that?

Well I was woke by Jen, big surprise, and she had some important about a comment left to you.  I was extremely confused at first, for I was asked if someone was angry with me, and I thought she was talking about Alissafuzzy.  It turned out to be Melissa.  For documentative purposes, all the comments in question are referenced in yesterdays comments on-line.  Oh, Madd, if this makes no sense to you, check to see if you have an on-line journal.  If for some reason that makes no sense to you, well, not sure what to say except sorry for your memory loss and how the hell did you find this in the first place??  While a lot of things have been addressed and commented on from the comments, there is something that I would still like to address to you.

For the longest time, JOHD, you use to be an internal journal, noted many times in the past as a work assignment I did not ever want, only turn basically fall in love with you.  As time continued, I would talk in depth of some rather interesting subjects and humans.  There were things so sacred told to you, that the thought, of the time, of anyone reading your information was devastating.  At some point down the road, Alienesse came along and pointed me to this thing called “Live journal”.  Having great experience with you, I thought this a most excellent idea.  So I started to write things, and thing writing I did, sharing a lot of information of myself, and writing for the general public, until I realized that the on-line version was really you.  I have seen you go from literal pen and paper, over to Word Perfect for DOS, to a few other formats, to rich text for the current Windows systems.  Eventually, I would get you over to Word, as so I could better teach myself how to spell.  During any time I have known you for you, and not confused you for anything else, the translation of my mind has pretty much well been non-filtered.  The exception to this rule was a few times something happened that was not directly involving me, so there was no point in letting the rest of the world see it.  These entries were things kept in Word, for me to at least remember, since I have proven just how unreliable my mind has been over the years.  I have no clue what I will remember into the future, so to help me come to the terms and struggles of my life, I turn to you.

In on-line translation, I found that at first, there were a few people who were more into my life and account of it than your typical Harry Potter fan.  Whatever it was about my life, some people just could not wait until the next “big” post, where I talk about more than just my actual day.  They wanted to read into the strange drama filled world that is Maddness.  Of course, some people just wanted up to date accounts of how my life was going.  Despite how it was desired, I realized the dangers in setting my mind loose for the world to see.  There have been, many entries in my past, that have addressed to the human populous the fact, of what you read is raw unfiltered thoughts.  I have attempted in these posts, to stress the fact, that there is a large difference between my mind, and who I am as a human that other humans interact with.  Some of the strange behaviors that I have possessed in my days can be explained through these ramblings that are the conversation between Madd and mind.  Some times, these thoughts appear rather harsh or abrasive, and many times they seem rather negative.  Some of this is due to the fact that in general, humans remember negative events better than positive.  I would imagine this a survival instinct, passed down by God as He has passed many things, like the process that the body goes through for birth, all prepared, and even the process the body goes through in death, something that you cannot learn through evolution, because the experience of death is the only thing that cannot be “passed on”.  So, my safety net for my emotions is you, JOHD.  You are my safety net, because any other attempts at such have shown to be rather disastrous.  Also, you are around me more than anyone else.  Things get lost, so when something important comes up, there are many times it gets immediate attention.  More times than not, this includes things of a considered negative side.

Now, I say safety net, even though I am not sure exactly how safe you are anymore.  I have told humans, repeated times, not to go on telling me how to write to my own self, which many have done in the past.  I have not minded comments and the like, however to anyone who did, I wanted it kept clear that anything that was of a critical nature, the realization, that this is my mind.  Some times, I cannot stand who my mind is.  There are a lot of things about me that I know I do not like.  There are even more things about me that I want to find out.  The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone I care for, and any hurt caused was in absolutely no way intentional.  I like to keep things posted because I realized that in using you to better understand me, that if humans close to me were reading, and commenting, that I could get better input.  The comment dITZ left about God is a most excellent example, noting how God is disappointed in us all.  Despite the fact my entry was geared closer to home about a slightly different subject, this was good feedback to get.  I also like an on-line documentation, for I have already lost a lot of hard slaved writings due to an accidental highlight that lead to a backspace that lead to a save and months of my life lost to me.  Adding more to my on-line translations, I like to be able to access my mind at any time.  So doing on-line is something I know for a fact I shall continue to do.  I just think it is time to go back to the days of not sharing with anyone.  While it is possible to make custom friend filtered posts thanks to the technology of Live journal, it is not possible to know who really knows the difference between who I am and who I attempt to figure out who I am.  So I have some serious thinking to do on the matter.

So I got ready for my day, just to find out as I was attempting to get things organized that I was working an hour earlier than I expected.  Good thing I called at 1407 to verify when I was coming into work.  I was chatting with father about the money transfer, so I was unable to complete his request.  I had until about 1600 to find the address of my bank and get it to father.

Welcome to Qwest repair, my name is cry me a river.  You have an inside problem, meaning something that has nothing to do with us, and you think because you are a business you deserve special priority over everyone else?  Oh go fuck off.  Is everyone on this planet a fucking “all about me” person?  Okay, yes they are, including me, so let me rephrase that.  Is everyone on this fucking planet care so much about their own self that they disregard they are not the only ones on this fucking planet?  Oh wait, and to top it off, you want to tell me you BROKE the line inside because you were not watching what you were doing?  Oh how classic is this.

So as I was at work, the LJ comments started to build up.  This would be the span of most of the working day, actually.  I realized that somewhere in my being I had unfinished business with Gretl.  I think what really gets me is the “loss” of her in the first place, and how it happened.  This is what happens when you fall in love with someone and they decide to move on without you.  It does go a bit more beyond that, for the way it happened is still an unresolved issue.  Some one down the road somewhere lied to me, and it will always be in the burner of my brain that at least one of two people who I trusted with my heart and emotions did this.  Both know what honesty means to me, yet it seems to not really mean anything to anyone, because even revisiting the issue, my views on honesty and how I feel about an even I did not even start, still come back to it being me doing wrong, when all I wanted was the truth, and asked for none of it in the first place.  Until I die and God tells me what really happened, I imagine I will not ever be at peace.

So how is this for a strange twist of events.  Jen is going on, via email, on a lot of massively logical things, regarding what some might see as a current string of irrationality on my part.  Now this is something you do not see every day.  It seriously looks like a complete role twist, like Mulder is the one logic to explain the unexplained, and Scully is the one going on how it seems there is a paranormal explanation of events.  Oh yeah, in the X-Files drinking game, that is a massive drink if that happens.  Anyway, for some reason, her earlier rants and stuff have gone from ranting to... eh... I am not sure I know the word for it.  I mean, she notes to not let anger, others or my own, cloud the fact that these humans love me.  Did I note how I felt people do not love me, or did I think that in my head?  I know I did not tell you... well... until just now.  You are looking at now, Madd, everything that is happening is happening now.  Well then what happened to then?  We passed then?  When?  Just now.  We’re at now, now.  Well go back to then!  When?  Now.  Now?  Now!  We can’t.  Why?  We missed it.  When?  Just now.  When will then be now?  Soon.  -lol- Of my fucking word that kills me.

{sigh} Talk about someone who is heading into the right direction of things that... well... just are that of which I desire.  So as I sit here writing and stuff, I get a TXT picture notification.  I think it is going to be a booby, because I get them here and there, however it was not... it was a picture of little X, and the caption noted, “HI DADDY!  Can’t wait to hear from you when you get home.  I love you!”  For someone who can scoff at such anthropomorphisms, you sure do seem to enjoy this one.

It is amazing how the very one things were started about (Jen) was the one who put peace in my mind.  I finally got the defense that I had been looking for.  I did not even get it publicly.  Frankly, I did not want it.  My entire issue has been between her and I in the first place, and she finally recognized what she otherwise has not ever done, that she is not the only one going through stress, not the only one having a baby, and not the only one dealing with unbalanced emotions.  Of course, my realization of this actually being stress is the strange break down that I had almost all day.  It was like, everything I was reading, I simply wanted to cry, just up and cry.  In fact, Monica/Q looked at me, and asked me what was wrong, and I simply said, “oh, just a few personal problems”.  She may have thought it had something to do with Jen, however, I was sure to note it was nothing directly of her.

You know, one of the other ironies that came to mind was the fact, this entire time, Jen had been concerned that people would think she was this absolute raving bitch.  Now, not remembering everything I tell you (since some of them come during intense emotional distress), I understand that it very well could look as such.  Some day when I am bored I shall revisit all of you to see some of the thoughts I do have.  Oh wait, hahaha, I do not get bored, silly me.  Eh, at least I am at better spirits here at the end part of my day.  This is really good because my knee seems to be acting up.  I was almost limping, which means {sigh} yet something else to continue to stress about.  I know a trip to the doctor is going to be bad, however it may also be required to be able to run again.  Man... how I would love to just up and run, and continue to do so again.  Master of Maddness, signing off......

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