September 29th, 2006


Blue Guy

Madd's Log, Maddate 060928.47:
-sing Rodeo Song
-return pad
-over to Jen/O
-change of plan: no sympathy sex
-not ready for bed
-computer: Eureka attitude
-ready for day: minus teeth
-house financial work
-return pad
-FFXI/pc: mission 2.3 half complete
-1530,work: 1 HR OT released \ free parking
-Raine: regular mail to gmail conversion \
-manager Madd
-pop Mair
-Jen/O break down: problems with JOHD entry

Well, the plan was kill sound with louder more annoying sound, and what better way to do that then with the good old Rodeo song.  There were a few fans of the song!  It was fun, and I was starting to feel pretty darn good by now.  Oh yeah, I noticed Anne/BJ in the bar.  She sang a song.  It was sung well, as usual.  I did not talk to her or her to me, and I am not sure if she saw me or not.  We actually did not stay in the bar that late.  We headed to my place to pick up stuff, and food.

Yeah, well, by the time we got home, my drunk level had increased.  We did not argue, can you believe it?  hEhEhE!!  At least I do not remember arguing.  The closest thing to it was some threat or something in regards to sexuality, on the way to her place, in which I noted not needing sympathy sex.  I did not maintain consciousness too long.

Well, I am not sure what is going on, but something is getting up everyone’s ass.  I returned to the Eureka board and some guy went off about not posting or reading to my stuff because I called him a goof.  Wow, a goof, JOHD, you know how many people I call that in fun?  You know how many other colorful words I could come up with in its place?  My flipping word.

Well, it also turned out I would have house things to do, as the buyer has not gotten proof of funds.  So I pulled out stuff, including Raine (for non-house related things), and as I sat in the chair in front of the table... I felt... old.  I felt like what an old man does for his 4 member family before going to work in the morning.  It was the strangest thing.  Eh, I got over it.

Also in talking to Jen, and things clicking in, it was confirmed that Alex was hit well before hand.  She thinks it was some time when I was in the parking lot.  I still, for the life of me, cannot figure out how I could miss something so... white, on a pure black vehicle.  I just do not get it at all.  This really sucks.

On my way home I stopped for food, and it seemed like someone got knocked up.  Myles’ wife daughter-in law who had a baby like, no more than a year and a half ago was preggo.  There must be something in the water in the Des Moines and surrounding areas, hEhEhE!!

Getting home, I would finish up the first half of my mission just to find out I am totally Qwest’ed in the ass, as the dragon I was looking forward to fighting would turn out to be a capped fight of level 25.  I figured at 30 even my WHM stood a chance fully prepared, however at 25 I will be anally raped.  I will require a party of at least three people, and since I no longer get to play or am in any linkshell, I stand to be waiting a long ass time before I can do this mission {sigh}.

hAhAhA!!  I so spoke to Bruce Campbell today, how fun was that, as he had problems with his MWI.  Okay, it was most obviously not the real Bruce, however, when he said his name, I still got a chuckle.  Yay free parking!  Yay for the first time during the week since Regan was in office that I did NOT have to come in to work OT!  Yay to free parking because someone must have taken advantage of there being OT released!  Yay to masturbation!  ... um... anyway, I prepared an attempt to work around the lack of POP3 access with Raine at work by porting emails to my gmail account.  This should ensure a better turn around time, seeing as I have comments and other things reaching a year behind now.  So that was cool.  Work would have been pretty much well wonderful except for one small tiny little itty-bitty thing...

Okay, that is sarcasm, as the event was anything but small, in fact, it was rather the opposite.  Jen emailed me from her work that someone had lost a child.  The due date was about two days off from us, so... yeah, you can imagine how this is going to go, on many levels.  See, I think it sucks, and know how I get when I simply THINK of little X being lost.  Because it is just a crazy thought, for it is crazy.  There is nothing wrong with Jen physically, and she has been taking excellent care of little X as far as I have known.  We have talked about this before in fights, and also calm, and everything in between.  So it has been addressed.  I also have stated that as well as our little one, there is much in this life I do not get too overly excited about, for I realize God has a plan (even thought at times my human side kicks in, countering that thought).  You know that thought process has gotten me through a lot of bad times.  It is too bad I cannot 100% instill it, however, if I did then I may not emotionally react to anything, good or bad.  “Oh, God doing His thing.”  I guess God did not want it that way, however, as I do react to bad emotions.

Anyway, I know that things are going to be massively tough for Jen, and that she is most likely going to jump and lash out at things.  Well, this would be proven true later, like clockwork, in the form of an email where I was called insensitive.  Ironically enough, my reply to it was anything but.  I think of how I would want to be treated in a situation, and I pretty much well followed up to tee.  While many times I would quote some of the things mentioned about me, I will simply refer you to emails on this Maddate.  I consider this one not any fault of Jen.  This is not your usual “I am pregnant” hormones running out of control.  This is a close friend who has lost a great gift.  I love Jen very much, despite what you otherwise might currently think from my comments, which by the way does bring me to an important side note.

She made references, strong ones, about how I do not find her at all attractive and how I do not want to be with her.  Once again, the thing that is my mind, has been translated adversely.  While I know that she is going through tough times, I also know this is not the first time this has happened with her, and not the only time it has happened in general, human beings taking that which is unfiltered “help me out” and molding it into their own image in what they think is me, which is not.  Any frustration, anger, disappointment, or anything else experienced by the populace of earth is no match for my own that I have pressed upon my in my time here on earth.  There are very few who not only can I talk to, but also help translate some of the mess that is what I think.  So here I find you, a forced school project that over 1.5 decades later would become one of the top important things in my life.  You have been extremely helpful, and I thank you for all the help you have provided me.  In the same sense, you have helped millions (11 to 16, maybe) keep up to date with my busy life, and internal thinking, so that others know things that make me tick.  At first, you shared information with no one but myself.  Later, you would divulge the deepest of my internal self secrets.  However, it does not come without cost, especially since humans fail to show me they understand what goes on here is more than me letting out frustration, my day, and what I think.  Some times, JOHD, you do not represent what I think.  This is the biggest error others will make in attempting to understand us.  I can only stress the point so far, before I realize, that maybe it is time to talk alternate action, and simply start to keep things from humans, for the one thing I am NOT going to do is rob myself my own history, in what I think the moment I am thinking it.  I have damaged that enough in incomplete entries that have lost the luster of what was Madd on Maddate X.

Jen was hurt in me noting not wanting to be with her, for at times I do feel that way.  There are times I do not want to be around her.  There are times that I feel I have made a mistake.  There are times I wish I could get away from her.  All of these things are true, they have all happened, because I look at my life, I see that there are times I have been depressed to a point of wanting to drive 90 MPH into a tree, and these are feelings I have not otherwise had since I was in my early twenties.  So the fact I feel this, instead of the abundance to insane happiness that I am helping to bring life into this world, will get to me.  I feel, at times, that my role in everything is nothing, because SHE is carrying the baby.  I simply shot in some sperm and hit my mark, end of story, and it makes me feel inferior, weak, and useless, and when I feel that way when I should be feeling happy, then yes, I will not be attracted to her, and I will not want to be with her.  Yet, these points are not all the time.  She also does not make me feel this way, this is simply how I choose to feel.  I also, for the life of me, do not understand why she would get so wrapped up on the part where I talk how I am not attracted when I state my time in BJ the exact opposite, showing that indeed, it is not a permanent thought.  It is not always there.  There is not anything I can say right now, thought.  There is nothing I can do, because she is going through something with no reward.  Her being pregnant, she gets so many rewards from it, some that are beyond her own understanding, being a first time mom.  Losing someone... despite any possible life lesson, the “bad” totally overwhelms the “good”.  So I will just have to take it, for now.  Master of Maddness, signing off......

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