September 26th, 2006


Lies In Angry Out

Madd's Log, Maddate 060925.17:
-Jen/O over
-early morning
-Jess goodbye message
-Jen/O leaves
-ready for morning
-house inspection
-Casey’s: food via Jen/O \ caffeine
-1330,work: 1 HR OT \ 1 HR released \ partial free parking
-pop Mair
-TXT Jess
-slow work!
-eleven o’clock queue

My sleep would be disrupted by Jen coming over.  I had thought, for a short while, that she might have passed out or something.  I was not looking forward to her showing up, however this had absolutely nothing to do with her.  This was the fact that I just wanted to go to bed, and not be disrupted, and everything else.  She was kind enough to get me an aspirin, something I am very thankful for.  I was just not in a touchy, cuddle, be around human mood.  It was not bad, however, as I would get back to sleep.  I would not stay asleep, however.

She has this thing with setting the alarm, and hitting snooze.  Well, she did it for about an hours worth, so I was just lying in bed for quiet some time before I figured this was a lost cause.  I already had almost enough sleep (almost seven hours is most likely more than enough, I just like to claim being old and needing eight, hehehe).  So I decided to get up and get my morning rolling, as I had a house inspection to get ready for as well as work.

Well... in getting ready, I was attempting to get you ready, and in that, I ended up, however so, on myspace, and that is when some interesting stuff hit the fan.  I was making a remark to something Jess said, and when I went to click on her to do something, noticed her profile was private.  Well, I know her profile is private but the ONLY reason I would not see it would be... I was deleted.  From that, I sent a nasty gram, and I mean nasty.  It went exactly like this:


you lied to me one too many times.  godbye, never talk to me ever again.  don't talk to me, do not email me, do not speak to me, do not do your petty calls that you have been doing of late, where you call more just to do it as opposed to fucking wanting to

this is exactly the type of lying fuck you are, and the best example of me not ever dating you, because i so fucking know your kind, and how fucking right have I been!!

i do not even know why i bother continue.  get the fuck out of my life and go live your fuckign wonderful life without me, something you planned to do, move on, since you fucked him in the cabin since it is MORE FUCKING IMPORTANT that you are just with someone than who it is you are with.

Said it many times, and now I finalize it.  do not write me, do not call me, i will read nothing from you, I will delete your emails, and everything else, since you fucking dared removed me as a friend since that is how much our relationship means to you... GOODBYE”

Um... to be honest, I do not remember writing this.  I was in such a blind rage that the only thing I know is I used profanity, and also said goodbye a few times (posting it, I see I was in such a rage I could not spell, use punctuation or grammar, to save my life).  I realize it may see strange to you, JOHD, however that is because I have emails that have not ever gotten around to you, from long ago.  The build up of what is meant, between the two of us and proximity on the myspace list, has turned mighty high.  At one point, she had promised me, that she could up and marry (before she did) and have kids with her man, and that I will still be where I was not only in her heart, but on her list.  This promise came from a large fight when I moved someone else (thus knocking her “down” even though it was not her I was moving).  My word did fists fly that day.  However, it was not as bad as what I would let lose on her.  Ever since she told me she would not ever be with anyone else, and then later I found out that not only was she dating someone, but having sex with him, that really hit hard regarding a trust issue with her.  So that gets taken care of, something happens, and then the whole relevance of where I stand in her life is “established”.  Then I find out that I am not there, and the reason?  Because her husband finds out ALL the feelings and like that she has towards me, including the times she had me in her mind while she was intimate with him.  I agree, something like that could drive a human to pieces.  Do keep in mind, though, the reference I made about my trip to the land of Yeast and Cheese™ about him forcing her to throw the pictures away.  It is not like I came out of no where.  She up and told him, straight out, her thoughts and feelings with me.  I would imagine, like many men, he thought he could just come in, marry her, and that in itself would crush the feelings.  Question is... does she really have any of the feelings?  I DO NOT FUCKING CARE, HOW THE FUCK AM I TO BELIEVE HER ANYMORE?!?  I tell you, not in any time in my life have I launched such a “counterstrike” on someone, which is exactly what I did.  I was just done putting up with this shit.

Yes, JOHD, you might think it all silly I blow up over something that seems so... trivial.  Oh, I admit, I have given people crap about where I might be on their page, only the difference is, the assigned value of things.  With Jess, the assigned value of what that means is higher than anyone else.  No one puts so much priority into it.  Her and I, do to the past, do.  Look at it like this.  Someone can take a drawing I have of $1000 with green color on a piece of paper.  They can tear it up into little pieces.  Someone could also take a $1000 dollar bill, and do the same thing.  I will react different because of the fact the associated value of the two.  Both are green (except this new shitty monopoly money they have out), both show $1000, and I could go as far as taking pencil or whatever and adding all the other things noted on a $1000.  You know, even better example (since this is using different mediums), is that a small child could find and eat a $1000 or a close friend could steal it from me.  Hmm... yeah, I think this analogy works much better, as both is a $1000, and one just has no clue what that represents over another.  One, however, knows a great deal about it.  So actual myspace instances, look at Melissa and myself.  I have given her crap about where I am, just to give her crap.  She seems to not really care at all.  A few other humans could give a flying fuck where they are, or where I am.  I have no issues with these people.  When someone makes it seem as if it was the world, then that is another story.  That is exactly what Jess did, however, it did not just stop there, which of course was more fuel for the whole explosion after I finally listened to that voice mail she left me when I was recovering from what ailed me.  She was talking about no more anything.  No sending or saying she loved me, or kisses.  So it was not just one “little” thing.

Well, despite almost being out of my mind with anger, I held it rather well.  Jen could not have been able to tell how fumed I was.  This was a good thing, as I did not want my problems ruining anyone else’s day.  Oh yeah, FFXI went well, yeah, I teleported back to town, so that I could prepare my flipping insane journey back to my mission.  My fucking word how wasteful.

Well, it was time for the house inspection.  I got there and Ryan and the inspector was already there.  Man, the inspection was not for another 30 minutes.  How do humans function so early?  The only way I did it was puke and head-hurt myself to sleep in the first place.  Well, a some point shortly after going over things, Jen showed up.  I actually did not mind, even thought at some point well before I thought I might.  So we all went over things, and I finally realized (was told) that my tub in the basement is an actual spa/whirlpool thing.  How flipping cool is that?  How does someone miss something like that?  Oh yeah, I was attempting to rational getting a pool table down in the basement.  It is really going to suck attempting to squeeze one down there, however I am EXTREMELY determined to do so, and I WILL make it happen, damn it!!  The only thing I noted wrong was the ceiling fan.  The inspector went over what was most likely some extremely important stuff about the built in air humidifier and something else and some other things.  Hmm... that might not be cool.  Oh well, I can have my old man go over things.

So the inspection went very well, yay to that.  I headed to what would be my future quick stop store, Casey’s.  Jen and I were going there for “lunch” as both of us were rather hungry.  They had a great selection, and my FUCKING word!!  ITALIAN STYLE GARFUCKINGDETTOS!!!!!!!!!  AAAAAAAAAAAAAHhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!  They are my absolute favorite food of chip consummation.  Oh, thank’s Word, appreciate the... oh, you did it again, thanks, like I will ever learn to spell with you autocorrecting everything.  Anyway, yeah, that was extreme happiness for Madd.  Yay, yay YAY!!  Hmm... no, I am not going to ask.  Anyway, I noted what time it was, and we headed out.  Jen was so utterly wonderfully kind to buy my food.  I checked the temperature gauge in hell and no, it had not froze over, tee-hee!  As I was eating that most excellent three meat pizza, Terry/O actually drove up next to us.  It took me about 1.32492845 seconds to figure out who it was.  I must be a little slow from the lack of quality sex... er, I mean sleep.  Oh, Freudian slip, hEhEhE!!  My bad.  Anyway, yeah, we chatted with him quick like, and then I saw I had 15 minutes to get back to work.  Soooooo... off I went to my “new” route to work, taking the route that was suggested by Jen moons ago, from the last time when I went the “wrong” way, and flipping a, man, if that is not the wrong way I took before.  It was like... smooth sailing, and all that shit.  I mean, no lights, massive lanes.  Yeah, the only sadness is that it takes me about two more minutes to get to work.  Oh well, such is life.

So work, well, wow, I tell you, how many times am I going to check that temp gauge in hell?  First off, I get OT released from 1400 - 1500.  Next, my schedule is MORE than just a few weeks out.  Unbelievable.  I have a Friday off... yeah, big fucking deal I work the next Saturday so that kills my three day weekend or anything.  In fact, this could be trouble.  If I was forced a Sunday, and my day off was Friday, and the week before I was forced a Sat, and my day off before was Tuesday, that is... Wed, Thur, Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon, Tue, Wed, Thur, Fri... yeah, I think you get the point.  How much shit would that be.  Well, be assured if it happens, Madd will show his unhappiness for it, so they better hope it does not.  Well, at least with the OT hour released I was able to get some good chatting down with you.

Well, I would end up TXT with Jess a rather large amount.  I was still extremely displeased with her, and a part of her talked about how *I* lied, because I made a claim I would always care.  I mentioned something to her about not caring, however, I believe what she was talking about and what I was talking about were very different things.  I think she feels I do not care about her anymore.  It is not like that.  Of course, it is no where close to simple.  I am done caring about things, more so than people.  I cared back when she went off how I did not understand her feelings when she said she was not ever going to be with another man (and how dare I think otherwise).  I cared when I was told I would be the number one spot, forever, no exceptions, right under her current daughter.  So yes, I am done with caring about anything like that regarding her, for as far as I am concerned, she is someone who wants to tell you things that your inner self hope to hear.  I read comments she made to her man, about always being there, and you know, it basically is the same line that she fed me long ago.  However, since I have gone and knocked up someone else, and things “will never work”, why bother worry about things said in the past.  You know, this is human nature in general, and another reason I dislike being, and associating, with them.

So the rest of the day went rather well.  I did not feel anything close to sick since I woke up, I was still on top of things.  I was really happy with the house inspection, even with something being found wrong (for with me, something generally appears wrong somehow).  Oh yeah, besides getting a new ceiling fan in the... room between patio and kitchen, it appears there is going to be some cable wiring to do.  I have two cable jacks.  One in the living room, and one in that other room.  There is not a single place in this mammoth house that otherwise has outlets.  Oh well, that should not be too difficult a task.  Also, work was actually the slowest that I can remember it within this year, regarding not being in queue.  This, did flux around the good old 2300 mark, as it does many times.  Master of Maddness, signing off......

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