August 4th, 2006

ani-moo cow

Angry Cow Fungus

Madd's Log, Maddate 060803.46
-sing Time
-convo Kenny/Q
-over to Jen/O
-late night JOHD rant
-Jen/O argument
-not ready for bed
-clinic: little X at 164 BPM!
-return pad
-ready for day
-unable to find keys: on coffee table
-1500,work: 30 min OT \ missed 30 min
-Raine: JOHD updates \ research dislocated patella

So here I sit, JOHD, in her room, it sure does not fucking look like 230 in the fucking morning, does it.  Actually as of right now it is not even 0030.  I have finally decided, that I am just not going to deal with this any more.  There is no way in hell I am going to marry such a self absorbed human being as her.  You know, being pregnant is very similar to being drunk... um... minus that whole kid thing, and the fact drunk usually goes away the next day.  When a human is drunk, they get out of control.  Many times, I mean, not always.  However, drunk people tap into that resource known as the subconscious.  You know, if every single pregnant person acted the same way to everyone, then I would agree that they would all be the same, however, they do not.  Humans, many times, hide behind the rationalization, justification, and other defenses that attempt to show the world we are not as fucked up as we really are.  I have been one of those fucked up people that passed the buck and pinned it on who or whatever.  I learned.  Others have learned.  I will not take being attacked anymore.  I will not take the attacks, to then hear “oh im pregnant and you don’t fucking understand me”.  I need to join a dad support group?  Someone should join a just because you are pregnant does not mean you should focus your anger and hatred towards life because you feel miserable to the one person who gave you what is suppose to be the greatest gift from God.  I have put in my fair share of sacrifices, and what do I get in return?  I so do not understand what she is going through.  What kind of pass the shit to repair crap is that.  She gets all pissed off because there are people I think more highly than her.  What is she doing to counter that?  Anyone on the planet can get pregnant.  There are some people out there that would kill for the opportunity that she has.  There are multiple humans out there that if they were in her shoes, would be glowing to the ends of the earth, and I am not even just talking about Jess.  If it is not the extreme out of control anger, it is the absolute “I do not get it my way so I am going to be a bitch” attitude she has, that curves itself into a form of controlling.  I am so fucking tired of hearing how Abby does this, and Abby does that, “guess I will see you at 0230” because you know, it is not like I have not made any sacrifices in this.  Sure, she had to give up drinking.  She, for the most part, minus like 3 or 4 times, has given up caffeine.  She has done a few things for the baby, yes.  What in the hell has she done for the human who got her in the situation she practically begged for, over and over.  Oh yeah, but if I attempt to talk about that, I simply and erasing how I so do not understand she has hormones in her.  Wow, last time I checked, if it worked for one it worked for all, yet, it does not work for all.  Yes, she can be moody and crabby, and yes, pregnant people do get that way.  But to up and say, “There is absolutely no way I can do anything about how I feel”, plain and simply is, a copout for her subconscious to do what it does, and simply say “sorry” about it later, when SHE feels good.  You know, let’s just throw out the window the fact MY fucking life is going to change also.  For it will.  I get so fucking sick of hearing how I do not care about this or that, and that my priorities are with getting drunk as opposed to coming home to her.  Because as usual, it is her not getting her way, so because of that, I get to hear the brunt of it.  That is how it generally is.  She is such a wonderful and amazing woman, she really is.  However, be fucked in the ass if she does not get her way.  No, I am not marrying that, and I want you to note this, Madd, very carefully and hard thought.  You have put up with MORE than a damn lot of crap.  I cannot even do my usual playful data correction, without the start of a fucking shitstorm hitting me.  What?  What do you mean shitstorm is not a word?  Fuck you Word, in your stupid asses, hAhAhA.

I have nitpicked and neglected you long enough, old friend.  You have been around and seen some of the craziest shit.  Did you know, that all the way back to 7 years old, some how, I remember being up at about this time, if not a bit sooner, and just being here open brained for a good 2 hours because my brain has been overly active since I remember?  Of course, she simply looks at it as my fucking priorities being that I give no fuck about my child, and that when she supposedly is unable to wake me, is just going to leave my sorry fucking ass.  Wow, she wonders why I I have more fucking respect for other people.  Tell me, JOHD, when you have people who are supportive of you, let you vent to them, and let you live your life without attempting the guilt fucking trips (notice plural) of the century... what is there to really say, “oh wow, the way to rip me a new one and attempt to make me feel like shit and make me miserable because you are so, I should feel it also is wonderful.  Here all this time I thought I wanted someone who could vent about their problems, and how things suck because you DO feel like shit, yet, I find, it is so much better to find someone to just attack me personally dig into how I cannot do this, cannot say no to a person WHO I HAVE before, and just simply have my priorities fucked up because it so seems like I want to get drunk over hearing my child’s heartbeat...”

Well, JOHD, if I could understand s single flipping word I was saying, it would be a miracle.  I am just not going to deal with it, ever, anymore.  I have fucking busted my ass off, in so many fucking ways it is not even funny.  I have sacrificed SO MANY FUCKING THINGS, that get thrown in how my fucking priories are fucked up, that I am NOT... GOING... to FUCKING DO IT, any fucking more.  So in a nutshell, maybe I should redo that who marriage and stuff question, or moving in together.  Oh yeah, that is classic... move into having to deal with this every single day.  No, not doing it.  Well, unless God has other plans. {SIGH}  Wow... I feel so much better that I got that off my chest.  You know, JOHD, this is usually where the rebuttal comes in, about all the wonderful things about Jen and how she is such a great and cool person.  Oh yes, Maddian defense lawyers have it documented it... however, I think it time someone defend me.  Oh, sleeping beauty is away and chatting now :D  I guess that is my queue to leave now.

So, well, before getting to bed, kept up, because we obviously know her priorities, more... well, I am not sure I would call it chatting or call it arguing.  Her talking, we shall say.  There were many things said, a lot of the same stuff, however, the most notable was what my role is.  I am here to be a reservoir, similar to the ones used by cars, in radiators, which is the exact analogy that I get.  It is like, she is telling me, all I am good for is to be a dumping ground.  Yeah, I can imagine how that will translate to me wanting to be in a serious relationship with her, seeing as how I have been in the past with humans who have done even less.  So to bed I went.

So I woke up, and JOHD, note that AS STATED, I got up with no trouble.  Well, I was freezing, and the note I get from that is how it is not cold.  Um, yeah, okay, not sure how my body mass compares to the rest of the crew, but I was cold.  Could be the mass amounts of stress that I am going through, my mind racing non-stop with anger and frustration.

So followed to the clinic, and wow (huge smile), got to hear little X’s heart beat!  It was so cool, even though at first searching for it, there was strange noises.  The whole moving the device over looking for it (heartbeat), and then found.  A mass 164 beats a minute, woohoo!  While it was a great thing to hear, fatigue would be nipping at me rather hard.

So we ended up going our separate ways.  Anger, and mass amounts of it.  There is so much going through my head, and so much that I want to just up and say right now, however, I think I am going to pass.  Well, there is one thing I wanted to really get out before it destroys my brain.  I hear, very often, how it is hormones, pregnant, and just ask any doctor or anyone else in the world, and they will tell you, end of story.  You know, JOHD, ask any psychologist, with his or her master’s degree, what happens to a human who gets insulted and attacked on a regular basis (about three times per week) by a significant other.  I work a job where I get yelled at almost non-stop.  I get over 130 some calls a day, and of late, I am doing so with overtime, meaning most likely I am tired and I am not getting personal time to myself.  So the shielding that protects me is already being destroyed like the ozone layer.  My arguments with her now already consist of things, that if I took the “there is nothing I can do about it” that I would just explode all the time.  Yet, I do not.  I some how maintain some form of composure.  Even the email I sent in anger before going inside for my drink consisted of crazy “funny” talk that otherwise would not be there.  I still tell her that I love her, even while arguing.  I do all the things that I am told many times that I “never” do.  Do you see the reason, dear friend, that I have so much built up hostility?  Do you see the reason I am so angry?

Oh my word... as stated, there is a lot of things thought.  There is a lot of information, however right now, there is much fatigue.  This day is not going to be cool, as I will be tired as heck.  My commitment to you, I hope to keep.  My anger and hostility has dissipated, replaced by... wanting to sleep.  That, and the fact, the anger I feel and gets built up, normally does dissipate out.  I like that word.  I am starting to feel a bit delirious.  {yawn} So much and many things to say... bowing to society and the view of this.  Something about that.  To the left, and the right.  Brain... wants sleep, must get ready for work {sigh}. 

Well, cool, don’t I feel a lot better.  It was nice to get into work, not be as tired, not be in queue, realize I am getting a raise this month, have a parking spot, and overly not feel like crap.  The 44oz from QT may have helped a little in the being awake.  I got a few emails from Jen, and she is doing her usual follow up to being bad emails.  I do commend her, very much, for the fact that she does what she does.  Her good efforts do not go unnoticed.  Of course, it will take some time to see if some of what I have noted to her has kicked in to a point to where she can be... less attacking, at least with telling me what my priorities are.  Some things I can handle more than others, and that is one I think that is bothering me more than anything.  Well, that and how I do not understand her being pregnant, when I have done all that I have done, and not walked out on her... and her only, as I would not ever walk out on little X.  I would never make it!  Last time I had my heart beat up to 164 BPM I ended up in the ER.  Little X obviously is a lot more healthy than I am, hAhahA.

I so miss my watch.

Hmm... got popped to screen, there is a possibility that the end of the world is near.  Actually, Jen goes over a week without being verbally abusive and then I will consider the end of the world happening.  Well, if so, I hope at least it waits long enough for me to stare into the eyes of our newborn child.  I also want to feel a few drop kicks and round house rights to my face from the womb.  I so look forward to that!  Jen may be upset and jealous on how she cannot (not recommended to) drink anymore, she at least will be able to drink again some day.  I am not ever going to know what it feels like to have a living life form growing inside of my body.  I am not, by psychological terms, ever going to bond with my child.  Only a mother and child has the ability to truly bond.  The so-called father-child bond is not actually possible.  Unfortunately, the ability to find this information is not easy.  It is in one of my psychology books, I do not remember which one, and I have so flipping many of them.  I just remember studying about it, and that is something I will not ever have.

You know, it is absolutely amazing how life turns out to balance with everything.  Females talk about all their problems, how they go through this and that, and guys talk about all these things about women, and it turns out, for everything, there is some form of counter.  Take pregnancy.  Females go through pain, yet females end up overly hormonal and men feel the effects of it.  They have the whole passing a grapefruit through an opening the size of a grape, yet the rewards to that, and the mechanics that allow it to happen, are amazing (the G spot, the configuration of the baby’s skull).  Guys have to pass stones and get things stuck up their penis that is more exit only than your average ass.  Plus, as noted, mother’s get to truly bond.  They get to feel the kick.  They get to have absolute attention to their unborn child, while the father does not get this.  Women get free drink nights while guys have to pay.  In porn, men get, on average, about $25 while women on average get thousands.  Per statistic, women are going to get out of tickets and speeding well before any guy would.  Go in a chat room and be a female and get tons of attention.  Be a guy... well... good luck.  Heck it took 30 minutes to get Gretl to talk to me.  Granted, neither of us were looking.  However, those are grapes of a different wrath.

Anyway, where the heck was I?  You know, for the life of me, I cannot remember most of what I was talking to you earlier about.  I find that when I am emotionally unstable, when I let it out on you, that most of it tends to... well, not be remembered.  I think one of the main causes of this, deals with the fact I am not an angry or easily upset-able human.  So most of what I feel stays deep inside the subconscious.  I am more concerned and thinking about all the cool and happy things going on in life.  Well, with Jen, she hits at home with a lot of negative things that set off triggers with me.  The more and more I store these up, the more they sit there, like a capacitor building a charge.  So when it comes out, it is flowing, almost directly, from the subconscious, that part of the brain that does not register with the mind.  It is that part of the brain that hides things from you.  See, I do not want to be angry or upset or frustrated with her, and I would imagine a part of me feel bad that I do, and attempts to get rid of that.  However, one cannot get ride of something one feels to be truth, when that someone is the defender of truth and honesty.  So it comes out, I get it out, it falls to you, and then... I remember varying bits and pieces, as I remember something about being very persistent on not marrying Jen, which I think was a sub function if I hear her talk about my priorities one more time, or personally attack my being.  Other than that... yeah, in one year I am sure it will be excellent reading.  Actually, in about seven months it could make for some entertaining reading.  There is something about pictures and writing and things that are stuck in time and space forever that really move me, JOHD.

Well, I did some research regarding my knee.  I learned a bit, and only a bit, about my dislocated patella.  I think the most I got from it is that it is time to get a bike... again... yet again.  At least this time I will not have to worry about taking it back because I have my cards maxed out and require money.  I think it will be a good idea.  I simply do not have a place to put it :/  Hey, that would be a damn good reason to buy a house!!  hAhahA!!  You kill me... every day... slowly, but shirley, and don’t call me surely.  Master of Maddness, signing out......

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