June 7th, 2006


Breathe in the 401

Madd's Log, Maddate 060606.28:
-sing Breathe
-Perkins: w Jen/O
-crazy “not meaning to disrespect” un-licensed guy
-return Perkins
-return pad
-not ready for bed
-FFXI/pc: exp party
-ready for day
-fat broke leg
-pop Jess: problems with men wanting her just for sex \ the three way with the ten inch penis \ random chat \ livid explosion
-Raine: FFXI site update
-busy day
-Jill/Q: Madd’s retirement and house down payment \ her money managing skills

So after playing in the parking lot with Jen a little, we went to Perkins.  I was so tired.  The food was so good.  A conversation came up about love, which I actually brought up, because I have had something on my mind for some time now.  It has been building up just by the various chats I have had with people who have loved me and who state I do not love them in the same way that I do.  This thought had stirred up for a while, and it came out here, something like this:

I think of the very first person I ever fell in love with, Kit.  I had two real crushes before that, April/TRI and Gretchen/TRI.  I really had no dealing with love.  Then I ran across Kit.  I chatted with her forever and a day.  I was going to school, and I realized I was thinking about her a lot.  I was physically getting these... things, happening to my body.  In my chest, strange physical changes.  Later, I would realize it was due to a change in blood pressure due to an overwhelming emotional response.  Well, after giving it some thought, I realized, I was in love with this woman.  One time talking over the phone, I told her, that I was in love with her.  Unfortunately, I do not remember the response I got, however, I know it was not returned to me.  Some point before I was going back to Clinton, talking to her on the phone, I told her that I loved her, as I started making a habit of it.  She actually returned it back, and it was one of the greatest feelings I can remember to this very day.  Well, it turns out that she did not really feel that way, she only said it because she like how I treated her.  Point is, I would have continued to treat her the way I did regardless, and she did not have to do anything in return.

This is something very different from people such as Kitten, Bevin, Jess, and Jen.  When they have developed feelings of love for me, in many instances, there was sadness when it was not returned.  With Jen, she went as far as expecting me to return it back to her, almost as if I owed her it.  It has been suggested on multiple times now regarding the subject.  When I had the feelings I did for Kit (of which I still do love her), not once did I expect her to return the favor.  There was not one time I was hurt or upset or angry (things felt towards me) because she did not return the love I had or felt the way I did.  The only thing that bothered or upset me, was the fact she LIED about how she felt.  Lying, something that even back then I had strong ties against.  I cannot help but wonder, was this lie the catalyst that I ended up turning my life to pure honesty?  It is possible.  So much of my brain memory of that time is lost, totally.

So what did I tell Jen?  In a lack of better words, the fact that it appears the love her kind has been expressing for me is selfish.  It deals with them more so than the actual other person.  I mean, if you truly are in love with someone, and your feelings are for them, I see no logical reason to be upset if the way you act is not returned.  Yes, it can be a bit disappointing, however to dwell on that and not focus on the other, that just seems selfish to me.  It appears that the love is more for the person wanting it than to simply give it out, which brings me to another conversation noted, in the three things that sum up all of human existence.  Humans want to love someone, humans want someone to love them, and humans seek pleasure in the absence pain.  I know the majority of life on the planet lives by the last one.  She thought that maybe felt my love is better than hers, which I did not.  I am merely stating an observation.  I seem to care for humans and want them to be happy... others seem to care, but get... insert word when it is not returned.

Well, the night would go beyond interesting, as we were outside and a strange man approached, who used the term “not wanting to offend” more than any thing in the existence of everything, past, present, and future.  It was funny because he was knocking Iowa and the like, and at the same time, wanting me to drive his truck because he had... well, some cop issue, and license, and possibly mental, who knows.  So Jen took me to his truck, and... wow... speedometer, odometer, break lights, gear selector, and about everything else possible did not work.  He actually had to put it in reverse, and then in gear.  The only thing older than this truck, is God.  The ride to a gas stop past Urbandale... well, some times I moved the steering wheel, and really did not move, and other times, I was not moving it, and the vehicle did.  It was like the connection was cut and it was just... moving.  Of course, I had no idea how fast I was going either.  It was an interesting trip... and to ensure ease of pain, I made sure to leave my keys, and wallet, minus driver’s license, with Jen.  Then I was returned, and then I was home again, then, I was passed out, or sleeping, or maybe dead.  It’s not like I keep track of these sort of things. 

Guess what I did after that!  You guessed it, got the games and everything taken care of.  There was something I noticed in the shower, besides my beautiful penis.  My hurt leg, seems fat.  When I was scrubbing down, I noticed that my left leg was giggling... in the way you want to see a nice ass or nice pair of breasts... not a hairy fat flipping leg.  My other one did not.  So I did tests, and sure enough, my right leg was all “firm” while my left was fat.  At first I was concerned that something was physically wrong, then I realized, for a few good weeks now, I have been doing double work on the right leg and the left leg has had almost nothing regarding weight or work.  So... right has just been getting more work.  Just like my right wrist is stronger than my left because for over 25+ years I have been jerking off and I cannot do it left handed.  I think maybe two times I made an effort at it.  It did not work out very well.

So it is nice to know I am not in deep trouble, I think.  Yay not having to go in for OT.  Jess started off about how guys just seem to want her for sex.  She was offered a three way, and I think something else, and she gets that very often.  Yeah, very often.  Well, it bothers her that guys just seem to want her for sex.  That is a big disadvantage of being a chick, especially a small skinny hot one.  Ten inch penis, hahaha, thank goodness I have not gone beyond eight!

So, at some point in working, got a VM about mandatory OT for tomorrow, two hours.  This set Jill/Q off, as people not there who went home did not have to work it.  She had been complaining quite a bit when it came to the OT being assigned not even 24 hours in advanced.  She thought how unfair it is that the people already gone home, and not in to work today, would not be forced to work it, yet she would.  Well, sister, you work for a call center.  Your job description deals with serving the customers on the phone, and even your union bends almost every other word in the contract with “the needs of the business”.  I know it is not cool to attempt to make plans and have them smashed by The Company.  However, we choose to work this job, and we can all quit if we do not like it.  Complaining about it solves nothing but irritates people around you eventually.  We hear enough complaining from the customers, what is the reason we have to hear it from our people?  Ah, it is good to have her back, even if she did divorce me :D

It is the busy season again, so it appears I am going to have less time to do things for me.  Oh well, it is nice enough that I have net access now, a first since that brief two weeks I found a connection moons ago.  There will be less with as many times we are in queue :(  There was some killer news I got, however.  Father called, VM was full.  I figured grandma had died or something bad happened, so I was not looking forward to calling him back.  It turned out that was not the case.  That was good news.  In other good news, it turns out the policy for life termination for father allows me 50K for down payment to a house.  Add the 10K I have, and that, is a damn impressive down payment for getting a new house.  Time to get the fuck out of Dodge, eh?

This news was shared with Jill, as she has issues with keeping out of debt, seeing that she has no money management skills as she states.  Add my 401K worth, and... well... hahaha, she will be sorry she divorced me, I can tell you that much :D  So the money that I have lost, due to not turning things in time, being originally stupid with money, and everything else, may finally be returned to me, and by who?  God, and Master, I thank you very much so for taking care of me.  I realized that grandpa took care of his kids, and father is taking care of his, and if ever I break the condom successful, or am once again unable to get the woman to stop, or, get married and prep for procreation, my children shall also be taken care of.  They will learn and teach their children, and it will continue.  The Kroeger name shall be known as money management excellence, hehehe!!

Recap of the day?  Why the heck not.  Do not go outside to warm up, as not only is it colder, insane people lurk outside.  If you have flab, masturbation with that body part with help strengthen it.  Humans may want love, however, pleasure seems to be an easier ride to catch.  A 401K + 25 percent + money management = a rich retirement of which the millions in it will most likely get passed when you end up dying 2 years after you retire, hAhAhA!!  Master of Maddness, signing off......

  • Current Music
    "You Wanted More" - karaoke