June 6th, 2006


Lost in Breast

Madd's Log, Maddate 060605.17:
-DVD movie: Training Day
-DVD movie: Lost in Space
-return pad
-Shari/BJ phone convo from car
-not ready for bed
-slept: passed out
-FFXI/pc: quickie
-ready for day
-1330,work: 1 hr
-pop Jess
-Raine: IE7 update \ JOHD catchup
-Chrissy stopped by
-Jill/Q reads “John D” and talks about her hot mother
-2310,Tanner’s: Jen/O waiting
-Anne/bar there
-sing Hey You

So Training Day.  A very recommended movie, I must say.  You might like it, JOHD.  I know it is not your basic chick flick, however, it is not straight action shoot and kill people, even though, some of that is in there.  I think a good follow to this movie would be Bad Lieutenant.  Anyone who likes that movie most likely would enjoy this one.  This is also the first and only time I know of Denzel being a darker character.  Um, yeah, I know he’s black, that is not what I am talkin’ ‘bout foo!

Well, by this time I know these new drinks I made kicked Spark’s already beaten ass.  In fact, he was so toasted that in the middle of LiS he passed out, threw up on himself, and broke one of his glasses.  I can understand wanting to be drunk, however when most of your life is this way, what is the point?  I know his life is rough, in accordance to him.  I say to him due to the fact everything in life can be viewed multiple ways.  He has things that others do not.  I would say health, even though I am wondering about that these days.  He has to be damaging something.

Well, speaking of damaging, I ended up driving home.  I called Shari and ended up talking to her for a while as I was sitting in my parking lot.  There was a definite strong urge to want to go and see her, most likely the reason I called her.  I also know that in my state, staying home was the best bet any way you look at it.  There does seem to be something wrong on her side, and I think it is a familiar story with a different view.  People who end up with feelings for me and want to fight that.  I mean, I can already easily name three women who want to have children with me.  I know more who also have that heart broken sting in the center of their core.  All this love that they give out to me, that is not returned back in the manner that they hope.  Some may end up fighting it at the early stage, because things get out of hand.  I think Shari may be one of those people.  All these intense feelings that she wants to feel, yet she holds back.  Even in holding back, I can still see the signs of someone who wants more.  I cannot help but think how much more harm than good I do being her friend.  I’ve pretty much well been stung to death with, “I wish I could hate you,” from humans, who in their own right, know what my views on hate is.  To have people wishing they could hate me, shows just how much pain I help manifest.  It is not that I cause it, as these females have free will and can change the outlook on things.  Bevin does it, quite often, in going on how people should run from me.  She has rationalized the kind of person I am, not even taking into account, I am the person I am to her BECAUSE of her.  As stated in Maddian law, something I still hold true to this day, I treat new humans as if they were the greatest thing in the world until they give me reason otherwise to.  If I state I am not in a relationship with someone, and I end up having sex with someone else, then that is something they have to come to accept.  Not because what I am doing is necessarily right, as much, as the commitment to labels is there.  Dating is this, relationship is that, open relationship means this, and closed relationship means this.  I give these humans all the information they require to understand the process.  They simply do not want to accept it.  They want more, usually.  When things do not go one’s way, the easiest thing to do is what many people at my job do.  Give the blame to someone else and pass the buck as opposed to taking ownership for the self.  Wow, how in the world does this relate to Shari?  Come back to me, Mr. Madd.

Well, the point there, is that I see that she has these feelings, most likely.  They may not even be tucked away, at least, from her.  She may know what she does and just choose to lock it to her best human ability.  Who knows, there is the chance that it is all down inside her persona.  My interest in wanting to be intimate?  I enjoy the person she is.  While we have not had a decent amount of face to face time, we have had some good emails go thru (back when I was writing email) and a few phone calls (which, like everyone else, unfortunately lowered to a crawl).  She is one of the more logical approaching people I have come across, even though of late I have seen a lot of un-logical things, such as thinking I would not want to talk, or it best we not be around each other any more.  I know that it turned out to be something else, at least I think, as she did not ever go into detail of what is going on.  Who knows, it could have a deeper meaning with me, or it may not.  The point is, that I have seen her logical side, and it pleases me.  Oh well, at any rate, I shall not be a threat to her tonight, as, it is time for me to lose consciousness and... sleep... ZzZZzzz...

So I woke up, luckily, and I say that because from the time of passing out to getting ready for work was under an eight hour time, and the alarm was not set.  I felt like crap, mostly due to being tired.  I was not actually hung over, no head or physical pain, just tired as crap having to go into work an hour earlier, and my shift an hour early also, making it two hours more so than usual.  That sucked, very much.  Luckily, it would turn out that I would perk up rather well thru the day.

One interesting thing is that I installed the beta of IE7 that I downloaded yesterday.  Father noted yesterday that it looks a lot similar to Netscape 8.2.  Only difference is IE7 is not owned by AOL.  I dislike AOL the most of anything computer related, er, now that Packard Bell has hit the bucket.  I really enjoy the new style and functionality of it.  Speaking of interesting, I ended up getting popped to screen.  Usually I would not really care much for talking about such a mundane task, except, the first time I got popped we had been in queue for some time.  This was beyond strange behavior, until I noticed the place I was grabbing tickets for had commitments for 2 or so hours out.  So I had the honor of closing a few tickets out, or calling customers to tell them we fucked up and were not getting it fixed.  We stayed in queue the entire time I screened that first time also.

Apparently Chrissy ended up missing me, as she came down to see me.  I was on a call for a while, and she was late, so I was able to hang with her on a part of my lunch.  hEhEhE, I fondled her on the elevator ride down.  She got a kick out of that.  It is nice to know that some people don’t fake the line to cross and then when you do cross it get all hissy with you.  To tell you the truth, in thinking about the whole Sam/Q incident, I gave thought to an actual possibility that deep down inside, she has an attraction to me and that freaks her brain out.  So it best to just up and move away.  As explained, I know what I did was a little off for me, however, to act like I have been crossing the line all this time and claim attempting to talk to me about it before, it all seems like an excuse to me.  I mean, I have cared the world for Sam/Q.  Any thoughts of sexuality with her have long been dead.  Grabbing myself in front of her is nothing new that I have not done in front of other people I know I can get away with that... well, because everyone else are guys and Monica/Q.  Her email finally explaining it was sincere, even though, it seems very strange that she has been the way she has.  I do my best not to cross lines, especially sensitive ones like that.  I have seen plenty of times when my “over the line” antics have put a smile on her face, along with everyone else.  It is one of the reasons I do what I do.  It is the reason I can put myself down and not take care to what I say, because some of the shit is really funny, and adding laughter is a precious gift that much of this world has forgotten.  So who knows what the real deal is.  I just know, that keeping this frustration up is not doing me any good, so, JOHD, thanks for staying classy.  And for stopping by.  But more for staying classy... and for stopping by.

So on a more humorous note, Jill/Q was bored and wanted access to “John D”.  hEhEhEhEhEhEHEHEhEhEhhE!!  I almost shit my pants when she called you that.  Yeah, very humorous.  Oh, on a sad note, it turns out Jill/Q has divorced me.  Since there were no papers to sign when we got married I really could not stop her :D  Well, I am sure whatever she read gave her chills and the like.

I stayed a few minutes longer to take care of the JOHD entry, as I had already been late on the one, partly thanks to the priority that Holy Grail gets, and partly due to me being myself.  I did not want to be late again so I stayed to finish up the last entry.  Then I went to Tanner’s.  Jen was already there.  Also, as a shock, Anne/bar was there.  I cannot remember the last time I have seen her there.  I could not find any entries with her in it, so, I cannot even say the first time I ever met her, let along the last.  It turns out that I had her cell number programmed in for Anna.  I had sent a text on 060524.3x thinking it was Anna.  I had two numbers and was not sure which was the right one, so, when I got a message back, naturally, with it saying Anna L. F. I believed it was Anna, not realizing it was Anne/bar.  I guess what I did was I was cleaning Outlook, and noticed Anne with no name, and thought it must have been Anna, so, I combined the numbers together.  How crazy is that?

It is not as crazy as watching an elephant make love to a mouse, I can tell you that much!  No day recap for you, I am already late as it is.  Master of Maddness, signing off......

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