May 22nd, 2006


The Sparky Bowl

Madd's Log, Maddate 060521.75
-0000,return pad
-FFXI/pc: exp... no party
-Jen/O arrives
-not ready for bed
-oral sex wake up
-FFXI/pc: help from Jen/O
-father called: Grandma cancer
-ready for day
-Jen/O arguments
-drive: house seeing
-return pad
-DVD movie: Cabin Fever

So, I returned home to play FFXI.  At some point, Jen arrived, got into her undies, and passed out under one minute after hitting bed!  Talk about a new record.  The FFXI play was... interesting.  I spent more time chatting around with people, as I was not able to really get a party.  A lot of this deals with the fact the Dunes I am at are not really for my level.  I have finally outgrown it (sigh).  Oh well... so off to sleep I went.

I had an interesting wake up call... um, yeah, no complaints here!  I wish all my alarm clocks were that way ;)  Shortly after, I wanted to get some things done with the AH.  I got grief from Jen immediately.  I actually used this time to direct her to the AH (as I was about a 10 min walk from it).  This time to get ready would be interrupted by father calling and telling me that grandma is confirmed with lung cancer.  It comes as no surprise, an 80 year old woman smoking for over 50+ years.  The fact she has made it this far, basically, without major problems is a miracle.  Smoking causes so many different issues, poor circulation, etc.  Sure, if she died, I would be extremely sad, however, that logic part of my brain that affects so many humans and my interaction with them work on this also as, 50 years smoking + 80 years old = sooner or later.  {sigh}

So, things, once again, went downhill with Jen.  While there was some slight drama on the way to eat, actually getting there things went out of control.  I do not even remember how it started.  I only know, it is a repeating thing where I am blamed for things, and made to look to be this really bad person.  There was so much that went on, that my memory unfortunately did not retain the information.  I even attempted to keep the information on the drive.  There was just so much of it that it was difficult to keep.  One thing I remember for sure is how she goes on if someone is behind me, pushing me to do something, why do I not do it?  She simply does not understand what I am going through.  Fuck, I do not understand what I am going through.  I remember sitting on the couch, for hours, literally, wanting to go to bed or do something else, yet there I sit, surfing channels, or whatever.  It frustrates me that people get so self centered to think I should be able to alter behavior for them when I cannot even figure out how to for myself.

Oh yeah, with that, she went into a very long winded speech about the art of saying “can’t”.  The fact I tell people that I “can’t” remember things, or call, etc.  This in itself turns into a self fulfilling prophecy.  This is something I realize very much so, however, for me it goes well into more complicated territory.  With your average human, when you do things, and then start to not, there is this big problem because people get use to it.  Like if I call someone all the time, and then a few times I do not, I get hashed hard core for it.  So, I simply do not do it, minus rare times.  I do the opposite.  Instead of calling all the times, and missing a few.  I miss all the time, and call a few.  Well this logic applies to a lot of things, not just phone calls.  I know, that down the road, somewhere I will forget something important.  I know this because I do it to myself all the time.  Shit, I have not been to the dentist since I have moved to Des Moines.  I have attempted to get it done forever.  It turns out that I do not have a bad memory.  I get easily distracted, and some times, this turns into me not remembering something (because it does not go from temp storage to short to long), or I forget where I store it (because I am distracted) and I remember later.  Well I have seen how frustrated people have gotten when I do not call them, do not get emails to them, etc.  In fact, people stop talking to me because of it (shows how much of a friend they really are not).  So I would rather tell people that it most likely is not going to happen, and then it does, than the other way around.  Just like I would rather tell a customer that the DT will be fixed by two days out, and fix it same day, than to say by tomorrow by 1700, and it is fixed by 1900.

Another thing she mentioned (now that it is coming back to me) was something about just attempting for, a day, to get things done, regarding game priority vs. everything else.  I actually have done this before, multiple times.  I just seem to not be able to hit my groovy to make it always happen, as I would like.  This was a time I did not ever get back on the subject, because she went on about it non-stop.  In fact, when she made a comment that clicked to me, and I made a “noise” (like ah, or the like), she got rude and told me not to interrupt her, in which I snapped back to her that I was not interrupting her.  It is that I cannot even naturally react to things without getting snapped at.  There came a point where I just stopped talking (as we were checking out hundreds of houses, on the way back to my place).  A bit was attempting to store information, process it, analyze it, and a little part was just due to being tired of arguing, and the fact she wanted to go on and on so I was going to let her.

The majority of the arguing was at Godfather’s, and the irony was that she went on how she did not want me to raise my tone (or something) as we are there, yet she really went into it, so I reflected the courtesy back to her.  She ended up getting upset, and then the bitch started to steal my pickles, hEhEhE!!  At some point when we stopped for ice scream (which neither of us got, and she was kind enough to buy for me) she went into how when she gets hungry she gets like this.  Well, I have seen her do so more than just when she gets hungry.  In fact, she went into it again after a lapse in fighting while I was playing games and the like at home, before I headed out to Myles.  She was clinging to me, and attempting to put a smile on my face, and play around (which was fine) and then when it got serious, she reverted to the argumentative side, minus all the yelling and crying.  {sigh} Oh yeah, what started it, which usually does, was the fact that I was not up and out before the noon-type time frame.  She focused more on the fact we went out later than the fact I actually went and did something outside of the pad.  As I was leaving, I went into how I compromise, which she cynically commented on how it is a compromise for me to hang out with her, which I had to correct her, that I spend this time with her on my only sure day off, Sunday.  It is the only time I know I am not going to have to deal with stupid customers, and even dumber external departments.  I know I will get to hang with Myles, and am rather sure if he has not drunk himself up against his door, Spark.  For it happens, repeatedly, over and over, her bringing up things.  Many times, it turns out they are grudges or similar, things she yells at me for supposedly doing.  It all generally boils down, to the things I know wrong, are excelled and thrown back into my face.

I will say this much for her, however, despite in the past, and even this instance, when she gets all bent out of shape for something (whether it actual bad thing I have done or just more selfish), her ability to swing back is absolutely amazing.  So much so, that I cannot help but wonder, if she is bipolar.  I would have to get my book out to find out, however, I have not seen such turn around.  The way she was like a playful little kid attempting to cling to me and get me to smile was something very unique with her that I otherwise do not get with my friends.  I even rarely bounce back that fast (even though I have noted myself picking up this habit from time to time).  It is one of many decent qualities of her personality, that keeps me having her come around as opposed to telling her to fuck off.  I may not be able to handle dating such a person, with such an attitude, however, having her as a friend is something I definitely cherish.

So, the X-Files episode (Hollywood AD, 7x18) was very super cool.  It involved having a movie of Mulder and Scully played by Gary Shandling and Téa Leoni.  I really enjoyed where Mulder talked about how Téa could never be interested in him (when in real life they are married).  There were a lot of other very humor senses also, like people hallucinating and seeing dancing bones, and even Scully seeing a guy jump off the autopsy table and talking to her.  It was a very excellent X indeed.  What was not X is that the net connection that use to be there was gone.  This meant that when I was done writing you up last night, I was unable to send you when I REALLY wanted to.  At least I had the work done, so thank me for that, JOHD!

From there, I went to Spark’s place.  On the way, I called Shari/BJ because she had left me a note on my computer about us maybe being best to just not talking anymore.  I really was not sure where the note came from, and when I called her and talked to her about it, she did not want to talk about a specific.  All I know is, the poor girl has some massive issues with something general in life.  I think some of it deals with the fact that she shows her emotion to lots of people, and no one shows it back.  This is something I get accused of many times over, however, it appears that I am not one of the people in question.  She realizes that I care for her, even if I do not show it that much (due to me not contacting her that much, the universal problem with me).  So I chatted with her a bit as I was outside Spark’s place.  She is a really remarkable woman when it comes to logically thinking of things, regarding me at least.  Of course this is under the assumption that everything she says about me, like understanding I care, is true.  At this point, I believe her.

So with only 40 minute left on the clock, Spark and I chatted a bit as we listened to the end of the CD he made for me.  While it is noted the movie was today, it was 10 minutes before the turn of the bell.  So, I shall talk about my thoughts on the movie with you tomorrow.  Master of Maddness, signing off......

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