May 27th, 2005


Madd's Log, Maddate 050526.48

-shmoke: Tachycardia
-shower: converse with God
-ear cleaning
-McD: Joh/McD there
-return pad
-pass out on couch
-not ready for bed
-ready for day: minus teeth
-1430,work: expensive parking
-pop Whatever/Q: gets impression that of the last few days I no longer wish to chat with her \ I comment about past conversations that state if anything like that happened I would say something about it
-pop Jennifer/Q: comments on being wrong again 'as usual' and I wonder that the reason is to fret about \ frustrated did not answer her page last night \ communication failure \ associated to someone else she knows who does not like to talk
-pop Ellen: comments on previous entries \ notes 'lustfulness' towards Jill/Q
-pop Jill/Q: informed of entries (that contain her) \ glad for her marriage
-I can get much info working for the phone company even if I did not work for them
-Last Stop run: not to notice any hot chicks there is Floyd afoot!
-return pad: present for Spark
-shmoke: start present and pass

Well... after doing a good number to a joint, and waiting a bit afterwards, I would get that ever familiar crazy feeling going on.  This time, I would combat it by taking a nice shower and simply distracting myself.  I have started to come to the conclusion that some where down in my mind, I want to challenge death.  I think curiosity has something to do with it, maybe?  I mean... not exercising, giving my heart more work that it can handle.  The Tachycardia condition came back, only this time there was no hospital trip.  To be honest, not a single time have I had to go of the three times that I have.  The shower had nice cooling effects, and I realized dITZ might start to flip out (since I know Spark did).  I hopped out of the shower, soaking wet, and I informed her I was okay.  I was, since I realized no harm was going to come of me.  It started to turn into a game, and a fun one at that.  I even would be talking all serious about what was going on, and flick the light switch on and off and make strange faces while I was talking.  Basically, being myself as to not set off any alarm.  I think of it like a bad trip.  If you are in a bad situation (others flipping out), then it will affect you.  I think this is what happened when it last happened with Spark.  Who knows.

I really am most dissipointed that while in the tub, huddled like a small fetus attempting to break free, that I talk to God.  It is not that I talk to God that bothers me, obviously, it is times of caution or trouble are about the only times I talk to Him any more.  I mean... it is one thing to forget my friends and family.  It is another to "forget" the Lord.  Many millions of thoughts went through my head.  I was thinking back to when I was younger, about 15 or so, and when told to shower, I would sit on the toliet and run the water, faking me shower.  hAhAhA!!  I put more effort into not taking a shower than actually taking one.  As I recall, I only started to really enjoy showering when I discovered that shampoo made a good lub and that being in the bathtub was a great way to clean up after myself.  Then, after I stopped that, I guess it was just habit.  Now, I realize I will get itchy head syndrome if I do not shower.

Anyway... I started to calm down, to a point that I just flat out felt as if I could be tripping.  I think another thing that really bugs me is that of late when I shmoke to shmoke, and not socialize, that I do so the same reason I drink to get drunk, and that is to change the mindset of my brain.  Certain Madd-like behaviors that I appear to have problems maintaining in day to day life.  I mean, really, when was the last time I went to work in just underwear?  When was the last time I ran around, talking to myself, and just utterly be the way that society tells me not to be?  Shit... am I being conformed and do not even know it?  Remind me to think more on this later, dear friend.

So, as I went out to do the rest of the night, I realized, it is time, once again, to but my shmoking reigns up.  I can understand taking a hit once around someone who I have not been around before to make them feel easy, however, this more than one hit stuff really could be dropped.  I mean, seriously, I can find ways to get my old me more me more often... well... yeah more often.

One cool thing that came out of being so not there was the rediscovery of Animal Crossing.  My word... weeds... roaches... everywhere.  It is going to take forever and a year to clean the weeds up from M World.  How... interestingly ironic, eh?

So, back to Lunar 2, even though, my conciousness would fail just as bad as my spelling of the word.  Once again, I have failed... and out I go.

Work was, interesting.  It was the most I have attempted to talk to a lot of people that I think I have ever possibly done.  To make matters more messed up, I lost my ability to multitask.  I have no clue the reason, it just simply failed.  It made working and popping near impossible sucessfully.  I had problems understanding the pops that I feel I would have otherwise, since I was concentrating so much on the work.  It started with Whatever/Q.  Once again, here we go with humans and the impressions I wish not to chat with them or want to push them away and stuff.  How I interact with humans is simple.  How you are is how I am towards you, adding in a little Maddian cheer, and a lot of history.  If a human is a certain way, I adapt to that way so that the interactions go better.  Funny how many times they do not go better, or, maybe things with others would just go so out there if I did do nothing at all in adapting towards the chatting of others.  Jennifer/Q has this big thing about being wrong.  I state that something she thinks about me is not correct, and she goes all out with that, as if I have accussed her of doing pure evil.  I believe a large part of this deals with her self-esteem and self image issues.  Also, some important info that I am being pegged like someone else she knows (possibly the man she is divorcing).  Arg, if ever people want to not lie and drive me to the great beyond, they can choose a life of assimilating me with others that I share absolutely little in common with.  Ellen was a fun one, as she commented about some entries, including some I had said about Jill/Q way back and the like.  Hmm... now that I think about it, they are not all way back, however some must be, for I told Jill she was there, she checked, and caught some reference to me thinking of her as a bitch.  I have not have negative feelings towards her in a long time.  Correct me if I am wrong, JOHD, you know better than I do, hahaha!!  You crazy girl you!  I also had stated to her, that if she was single, that I would attempt to establish a relationship with her.  Great looks and body aside, she has a really great fire in her personality that is nice to be around.  None of this push over crap, and I generally can speak my mind to her without concern that she is going to get all pissy about this or that, or take offense and the like.  It is just like me.  I can be blunt, to the point, and while she not believe everything that comes from my mouth, she can accept it.  I do think her trust in me is even more.  I didn't even get slapped when she was communicating with you!  hEhEhE!!  Too bad, I could use a spanking, I have been oh so naughty.  I think with her getting married, however, that built up attraction like that will eventually jump down.  Still, I cannot help but wonder what one night of hard core passion and insanity would be like.  Call me curious, haha.

Oh yeah, with the chatting with Jennifer/Q, I realized just how much there is a communication problem between us.  The bigger cause is her talking about something, then not wanting to talk about it.  That classic "nevermind" and "just forget it" and everything that happens.  Nuts, just nuts I go when people do that.  She attempted to state that I was not communicating with her, however, I am more than open and part of my life work is to assimilate information of others so that I can better understand humans, including myself.  Oh well... humans will be humans.

So, since I plan to be gone over the weekend, I figured I would hang with Spark since he was free.  I went to pick him up, and we headed to Last Stop for smokes and drink.  On the way, there was, so I hear, an extremely hot chick.  I also understand that she apparently went side to side for a while to see if we were checking her out.  While Spark would have more than made her happy in her curiosity, there was a greater power than hot chicks in the works.  Mmm... Floyd.  It was funny, for when he mentioned the girl, and I commented about the Floyd, he did one of those head smack things and went, "Oh yeah" as in duh, I should have known that.  It is okay, some people forget the insanity that is Pink Madd... Madd Floyd.  Mmmm... Floyd.  Then, we went back to my place.  In all the years Spark has provided shmoke for me, and I wanted to do so for him.  Some left overs, that seemed to hit the spot for him rather well.  It makes me happy, especially since I was not partaking, as... well... it does not take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.  Of course, maybe it does.  After all, I am not sure what I was thinking when I hit the joint originally only 22 some hours ealier.  No 45 minute shower for me this time, or any more.  While I got some ear work done, a shave, and was cleaner than a virgin before prom night, it is not something I wish to do.  Beside taking care of my health, it is important to think of the other humans out there who worry about me.  I wish not to have them worry, yet, I know many will.  So I find it important to take care of myself not just for myself...
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