May 20th, 2005


Madd's Log, Maddate 050519.46

-sing Yoda
-sing Cum On Feel the Noise: request for Angie/BJ not even paid attention to
-over to Jessica/BJ
-oral sex (3)
-sex (5)
-return pad
-not ready for bed
-not ready for day: minus shower
-movie: Star Wars ep 3
-return pad

Bevin ended up leaving, rather early.  I believe that she is bummed out, and it deals with the fact her and I are not together.  Larry noticed that she left a certain way, of which I am not exactly sure how that was.  I can imagine.  I can see into her brain, and see what attempts she makes for getting what she wants.  This is something we all do to some extent.  Her attempts to get her way with me are rather crude and unsucessful.  For whatever reason, she treats me like any other human, and to top it off, she does what I find most humans do, and that is take the blame for everything and pin it on other people as opposed to herself for the things that are for sure in her control.  I know it well, for I use to do it myself.  I use to live that short and narrow path of letting the rest of the world take blame for all the shit that happened to me, as opposed to taking the blame for myself.  I hope for her, that some day she truly realizes this.  I hope all humans do, for if they did, everyone would live a better life for their own selves.

I finally came to my senses that I had not added Melissa to JOHD's friend list.  This is one of the problems of being me.  So I figured, hey, since I remembered now and have the ability to do so.  Oddly enough, my entry to her list was gone.  I did not find this surprizing at all.  It fits the motive as to how she has always been in the first place.  It is amazing what some people will say in this world.  It reminds me of what Renata said, some time way after the MJ incident.  She said some people will say anything to get you to bed.  It was a metephor, and oddly enough, that entire conversation I believe she was doing just that.  Feeding me lines.  I am starting to wonder just how much of what was said by Melissa was the same.  Things said in attempt to make up for things done.  I know that anything that any human could ever do to me can always be made up for over time, assuming that the being made up part is real and not a fake.  For fake will get you no where.  It was a sad thing to see, yet I decided to write her to satisfy my curiosity.  Wonder if I would get reemed, excuses, or something... genuine.

So, in light of the release of SW3, I decided to sing Yoda.  Hmm... a song that requires me some listening to.  Oh well, close enough.  Angie/BJ had wanted me to sing her song.  I put in the request after Yoda.  Enough people left that I was able to get in a third song, something I have not been able to do since I went to 1430 - 2300 shift on Wed.  I got to sing the song, and like last time, it really tore me up.  The bad part was Angie/BJ was too busy in her world to pay attention.  It is not that I care if people pay attention, it is when someone wants so bad for me to do something and then does not pay attention to it.  This would also not be the first time she has done it.  Some time last year something happened as well.  People can only use me for so long, and that is, when I see it.

Before leaving, Larry/BJ asked me about Melissa.  He said, he wanted me to think or say something bad about her.  Despite all that has happened, I could not think of a single thing bad to really say.  I think he wanted it for the same many would, so they can keep a safe distance.  I think what really throws me is the fact I had nothing negative to say at all.  At most... just a bit of growing up to do.  I think we could all use that.

So I went to McD, hoping to see my girl, and she was not there.  To add to this, for the first time in 30 years I wanted to order a breakfast menu from a fast food place, capped at around 0200 or so.  They deny me.  You must be kidding!!  I mean, I have to wait until 1100 to get my flippin' hamburgers all these years, and NOW, NOW I cannot get that crap I always avoided?  Oh sweet irony.

I then headed to Jessica/BJ new place with Mary/BJ.  She had invited me over, and I had a suspition as to the reason.  Sex... after about... two hours of her hinting at it, she made it more than clear that is what she wanted.  I did not want sex... I am not sure the reason I had sex.  I think it funny that after the oral I had issues regaining myself.  This would be one in a rare, and very rare instance, that this would happen.  I just cannot figure myself out.

So I went home, and crashed.  I woke up around 1100 or so due to some very crazy dream that I was not able to remember.  I went back out, and then woke up in time to catch Myles' third phone call about Star Wars, and do some Floyd and ebay investigations.  I also would get a reply from Melissa.  It was actually there before I even went to bed.  She stated how she was busy.  Hmm... that was the stop of the phone calls.  Also, she said she was not getting anything out of it.  I think that gave me the answer I was looking for.  I took my sweet time with the Floyd DVD checking.  I barely had enough time to get ready and fly on down to the theater.

I am not sure what to make of the movie.  It is the first of all the Star Wars to get a PG-13 rating.  I can say for sure that I believe it was better than I and II.  The problem with a movie as this, you basically know where everything is going to go... for the most part.  I do know that I did enjoy it.

As I was leaving the theater, I started to really think about the whole sex thing.  Then, to my horror, I remembered the word I had said when I was over at Spark's, about no more sex.  Ug... I have failed me.  So, not only could I not figure out for the life of me why I had sex in this case, I had to think and process how I said I would not do something that I did do.  At least, this time I am more sober.  I can process it better and make it work this time.  I still want to learn the reason I had the sex.  Is the power to procreate that powerful?  If it is, well, I see it like any problem.  If you know the problem exists, and you state it as such, then you can defeat it.  It is like someone who is an alcoholic.  They cannot cure themself of the disease until they admit they have it.  So even when I really do not want to have sex... I want to.  Let's it be noted more than one time this vow I attempt to pledge to myself. 

I can only think of one exception to this rule.  An exchange of deep feelings.  Even with that, the exception would have to be an exceptional case.  I think of how the number of peope I have had sex with started out high, and then I started to get it under control.  It slowed down, and I did not crave it as I use to.  This was evident with the extreme decrease in masturbation.  The desire dropped.

{sigh} I called Mediacom about the lack of some of my stations.  It turns out I was only suppose to have some of the higher stations, not every single one of them.  Talk about false advertising.  Well, to add to this, the rep was not the nicest human in the world.  Because of that, she definitely lost a customer.  There is no way when I get a house that I am going to have Mediacom festering in my hallways.

So towards the end of the night... I start to get a little bit bummed.  What is it boy?  Is it lack of house?  Is it having sex?  Is it not being with someone?  Is it me naked on the couch with the cold air blowing around?  Is it the gas build... oh, that one is taken care of.  Damnit, I do not want to restart yet, so stop phucking asking me.  {sigh} I want a house.  More so than a woman or a pizza.  I want to not procrastinate.  I think when I start to slightly change moods towards a negative is when I tend to procrastinate even more.  Aarrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggg whyyyyyyyyyy?

God... give me the strength to overcome my human stupidity.  God... give me the strength to be better.  God, help me straighten out my life.
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