October 2nd, 2004


Weakest Link?

Well... I am to the point now, do I finalize it. I have said it, I believe, twice before, and basically been told it three times. That power word, goodbye, that ends a relationship. A friendship lost and forever void of my life, with nothing but memories left, that after time, slowly drift away. Then only a shadow remains. The very odd and strange thing is, that Renata, from no where, actually apologized. Maybe she saw this coming, maybe she is playing a game, maybe she is doing what she has with others before. I am not sure, and with her, at this point, could not guess. It could be something else even beyond me. The complexity of Renata is just that, complex. I sent what very well may be one of my last emails ever to her, and possible final contact minus her paying my money back. The email was suppose to be short and sweet. However, as not too surprising, it was rather long and drawn out. I think they get long as they do because I am... I'm... fighting to not lose her. However, it appears now it is her who has given up. Her idea of fighting for someone may be giving time and then attempting to work at something, unfortunately, I work more like a star ship. When you attack and attack and attack, and finally get my shields down... if you are going to make a positive impression, it has to be done with shields down. You have to make sacrifices, and do things that might not be your own when you go in full force and attack me right out. She did that. She attacked me with the one thing, that will get me to not want to talk to you more than lying to me, a shock I did not even know existed. However it does, just tell me you are a fool for loving me and it was a mistake. That appears, from what I can tell, to be the final blow to take me out for the count. I think my mind sees, that at least with lying, I realize at some point or another you are going to do it, and even though you claim you shall not with me, that I know it WILL happen, to a point, you will lie to yourself to not make it a lie to me. Taking your feelings, and personally attacking me, however... that is a good combination to eliminate me, just sa the Cubs have been officially eliminated as of less than an hour ago. So by any time she made any move, I would have already jumped to warp, with shields up, and like the Borg, tuned to your attack to be immunue to it.

I many times wish I could be more forgiving in the matter. I wish I could stick my finger in my ear, hit a switch, and just change that programming in me. However, I cannot. I will state now, no human who really cares and loves some one, should (yes, humans, I said should) NEVER (yes, humans, I followed with a never) tell the person they loved that it was a mistake. Key their car, hit them in the shoulder, tell them foul names. Do not attack that special foundation that may have taken years to make. They will drop faster than the World Trade Center. It will be more devistating than Black Monday. No matter what hurt anyone feels for any reason, I advice any human to avoid this at any cost... unless, of course, you never meant the love in the first place. Maybe you realize you only loved the person because you are alone, and did a Robin/Q and Starr approach, that when someone else comes along, that you can simply move to them. You may be doing this from your subcosnious, however, if you can pull up a muster and see that is a good possibility, then, by all means, destory the link.

In our arguments, Renata rarely attacked the situation at hand. She attacked me personally as a person. She called me a cry baby, even though I had not been saying anything to warrent me being one (and frankly, even if I did, it would simply be due to my emotional state). She went along other things, stating I am sorry for myself, and feel the world does not like me, or something like that. It all added up. All shots to my forward array, taking my shields down. Then the coupe de something. I know I have already gone down this road before, slightly, I however, just want to prepare that final step, to move on. I am almost tempted to say that there is something that could be done, the fact that no human is automatically shut out for anything they could do or have done to me... however with all she has done, I can only see so much effort it will simply be too much for her, and in the end, she will simply end up hurt, or view it as such, as about anything I do she takes to a personal level, no matter what I do, or have said. I know this because I can project a few things that would require to change, and to top it all off, you are talking about things that someone with depression would have to deal with. I have lived in the realm of depression, and know how difficult it is to not lash out or personally attack people or change ones self when it happens. I also know, I am not in the business to change people. I would not ever date someone who would change an aspect of their behavior for me... they would have to change for them. I have changed for me many times. That is how I went from the low-life lying self-centered controlling Martin to the more logical and caring Master of Maddness. I did it not for others, however, for my own self. I just do not want to see any more pain, on either sides. Almost anything I say, or the like, is viewed as aggression or intent to hurt. Heck, one of the two things that started this was me walking out while she was in the tub yelling and arguing with me. I felt absolutely no reason to stay, when I knew it would just escalate things. I felt that leaving would allow her to simply cool down (unless the tub water was too warm) and we could attempt at it another time, as we generally do. Of course, turns out she would take that as a slap in the face. She would personalize it as if I was being an ass, and of course, that would be the 203a email I would recieve that would forever change our relations together, even as simple friends.

So much info to process... and of course, in it all, the defense attorney in my brain who argues how there is so much I could have done different, how she deserves a chance, and the rest of the things that my mind generally does in the defense of others. If the fact I do not lie would make me a crappy lawyer, the fact in taking one side to my client and then wanting to bring on proof of the opposite would. With as much as it attempts to defend her, and what she goes through, like sticking depression into my face over and over, and the things she has done, which there are a few exceptional things Renata has provided for my side, the other side just pounds it home, with how one "ought" to be if they care for someone, and what one "ought" not to do. Then the defense goes on how I use to be, attacking me. Also going on as to who says what "ought" to be said or done in a relationship. Back and forth and back and forth, so I side with you, old friend, to attempt to work things out. I want to know what to do. I wish not to feel any more pain, of which, has basically stopped since the 0203a letter. Everything else was more evidence as to why jetting would be a good idea, as opposed to feeling any pain or hurt regarding it. Yes, some hurt here and there. Her thinking I cared not for her safety, of course, that is a simple psychological parlor trick in attempts to get one's own way. See, there it happened again. Back and forth and back and forth. {sigh} It is not just my feelings that much be taken into consideration either. I am not the only human involved. I have no clue, and the fact remains, I am still happy.

Not happy for any of this, heavens no. Definitely not happy that the Cubs are now the weakest link for 2004. I think the talk with Stingray, the song he made for me (which would not be the first), I just think that helps me focus on getting on track, on picking my self up, fixing any damage done, and getting along with the massive of things there are to do!! So many things, so much excitement, so much everything. So on that note, I think, it be time, I go and shower my naked arse...
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