July 21st, 2004


Cry Me a Maddness

I am not sure when the last time was that I cried over something that was simply an emotional thing, and had nothing to do with alcohol... oh wait, yeah I do, about one hour ago.  While I would rather paint a complete picture with you JOHD, as I am anal like that, I feel it more important to share these extremely important bits of information.

I like being caught wrong.  I think I finally understand why I get depressed.  When I am wrong, it generally means I have lied to myself about something.  I do not believe in lying about anything, and my self knows this.  When I lie about something, then a part of me realizes what I am doing.  There is an imbalance, and that in turn creates depreession.  It makes perfect sense since depression started to go away when I took acceptance to the fact I am wrong and work to correct what it is I am wrong about.  I think people who are advocators of the truth, similar to me, who are depressed may be doing the same thing.  Case and point, I told myself, and Renata, that her feelings for me are less than they are despite the fact they are not as low as they really are.  A lie to myself since the proof I claim really is not as much proof as just a blind shot at the dark of something.

I am emotional... I did exactly as I told you I was going to do, and it took me well by surprise.  In taking me by surprise it also is something I have been having problems getting accustomed to.  I use to be emotional, extremely, then I started to bottle up a bit, since it just lead to people taking advantage of me, and it was a catylist for hurt feelings by me.  The fact I opened up yet again as much as I have, means that I shall also percieve things different, and that in turn could lead to errors in judgement, ie, me being wrong.  So it is important I remember this.

I am more appriciative.  I want to thank me for being more appiciative of those around me.  Thanking people who drop little notes while I am away, thanking people who speand more time with me, thanking for all the small little things.  It is super simple to thank someone kindly for letting me use the microwave ahead of them.  It is super easy to thank someone who holds an elevator.  It is super easy to thank someone for trusting in me in a world of mistrust, or expressing their feelings towards me.  If only more people took the time to be so thankful and the like.  Most of all, people who make the efforts to contact me, since I myself know how bad I use to be, which brings me to...

I am more likely to drop someone a note, and Madd, I cannot thank me enough for this small task that seemed so unusually difficult.  The use of my shotty Sprint service, sending a pop on IM that I am simply thinking about someone, all those things I enjoy I am slowly starting to spread to others.

It is wonderful!!  While everything has been going in baby steps, the fact is that some of the baby steps are turning into full out walking.  This is good good news!  I shall be the Madd I always wanted to be.  Even my memory appears to be improving.  I think the lead there was realizing I did not have bad memory, I had problems with focus and linear thinking.  Telling myself I had memory problems made my memory that much worse.  I have noticed that I get less "where was I going with this?" in a conversation and "how did I get here?" as well.

I wish to apologize to all the people I had to go through, who's friendship is lost because of the massive flaws like these that have been or are being corrected.  Sucks to be you and I, eh?  Of course... the friendship is gone and you are not talking to me, haha, so you will not read this anyway!!  hEhEhE!!  Wow being emotional is extremely tasking, I must say.  Move from one to another to another.  Hmm... some extra notes for your busy self, remember them well I shall return to them later

-humans still think that I feel I know "everything" or am "always right": appear to confuse confidence with egotism
-falling into a trap where I start to think people do not care for me as much as they really do, and do not forget how much *I* am annoyed when humans do that to me
-change in emotion is increasing the human feeling to "wanting to be loved" that I had escaped for so long
-better understanding as to what I really want in a woman (besides my penis, haha!)
-convo 2hr20min+: millionaire with bad credit to certain things done \ unconditional love vs conditional \ thought on one's feelings towards one kid with examples that seem unrealistic (them killing off other children and loved ones) \ the linear explaination \ problems on linear thinking \ getting to know the inner workings of a Madd mind similar to remembering someone dying as opposed to remembering them before hand \ Madd's multi misinturrpitations \ discussing issues does not lower the credit score it finds possible problems on it being lowered (see also tears in car) \ unable to use coherent words and shop for Healthy choice \ "why bother?" anyone get married \ I really can think about having sex with just one women while not being in a closed relationship with her \ attempts to emotionally move on \ wanting time while it is still around \ irritation of complaints about late calling misinturrpatation \ the art of flirting \ experience with Robin helped show "I am right and you are wrong" extreme \ no one person is at fault in any relationship it is always a bit of both \ previous already seen thanks to convo with Robin \ abilities to admit err
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