April 24th, 2004


So It Ends...

... dear me.  I... believe that strange protective barrier that I asked to be taken down is starting to fall.  I am not sure the move the greatest thing in the world for me.  I also am not sure... how I did it.  JOHD, it must be a mind thing.  I spent a lot of time chatting with Renata about many various things, and one of the things that came up was about control of feelings.  I spoke of how Gretl (who changed her darn name and messed up all my links :p ) had issues with any involvement with her, for the two stated reasons of breaking boundries... which... apparently you have documented for me some where, and also, being hurt.  Something very understandable, and something I personally would do.  It was rather... interesting that part of Renata's solution was... to just control it.  Control love?  Hmm... I would think someone who, from time to time, argues that there is no such thing as love as we know it, that we as humans made it up, would be able to do that... however, I cannot.  She states she could... and I asked her how.  Thinking of pain of the past about other things.  You know... looking for faults and finding pain is something that... I do believe I have been doing, slightly.  I did it with Gretl to ensure that I could live being her friend who was married.  Okay, so that was a bit different.  I just rationalized how I could communicate to a lesser extent since I was a bit below on the legal food chain.  However, with other women, those who I would obviously not be dating, or would breaking up, or not even wanting to get involved... all I had to do was look down the road, to women I have been with.  Most modern day women, well, there was the pain of the Evil One.  Ones before her... just the first woman I ever loved.  While I stated how much I did not want to become an emotional sack of a wall due to others... I did fail, for the most part.  More concerned about the pain... the hurt... that and my honesty issue.  Or maybe the real honesty issue I have... is that the first woman I truly cared for, flat out lied to me about something I find unacceptable to lie to someone about.  I look in the past of people I have the most issues with in a relationship, and all but one or two had lied directly to me about something.  It explains Arwen, it explains Melissa, it explains Starr, and so many more.  A whole huge handful of humans... having to fight my mind.  You know, JOHD, I have faught my mind for some time now... I think we are going on about 11 or 12 years.  That strange thing that causes thoughts to appear, feelings to manifest... and here all these others have only months, weeks, and the like to fight against it.  Well... that seems rather unfair to the human populous.  As much as you dislike humans, Master Madd, you still are one and fall prey to the same things they fall prey to, and many of them wish not to fall prey to what they do, just as you wish not to fall prey to what you do.  JOHD, keep reminding me that.  The faults and problems I see in many others are some times things they wish no more than the problems I have with others due to my problems.  I think my comments to Starr in her email also helped trigger this, as I realized that... well, you know, Madd, you are suppose to know all this crap about the mind and shit you could be a better friend with the realization of more of this.  Blah blah blah, yaddie yodle yoo, I smell FOOD!!  Whoohoo!!
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