December 30th, 2003


Dances With Staples

{note to Gizmo}

Mr Lance...

Well, I write this, towards the end of the year, because the last thing I remember you saying to me, was "we don't see eye to eye."  That was followed up, simply by the fact you did not want to talk about "it", whatever "it" was.  I am in the mood to resolve things, so, that is exactly what this shall do, one way or another.  It is to stress what is seen on this side of the eye, and you are more than welcome to talk about anything posted here.  I do so in such an "open" envirnment just due to me wanting all the facts out for everyone to see.  I hide nothing from no one, and realize there are humans out there who may make claims about my thoughts and feelings towards you that may be beyond untrue.  They are welcome to read and respond as well.

The last time I remember interacting with you was about the night of the 26th of November.  I had ran across you at BJ and you were just... eh... not sure what the word was I am looking for, however, I seemed to be sliding much from your life at this point.  I had ended up drinking enough that I was a rather big emotional mess that I cried on the way home, to where at some point I see I posted what could be considered some rather hostile comments your way.  I stated you were no longer my best friend.  I would like to state why this is such a large priority to mention something of this nature.

As you know, my plan was to take care of some credit issues so that I would be able to get a house.  Some time before you mentioned an interest as actually living with me.  Now... I am not sure how many humans you have lived with in your life, however I have lived with 2.5 years (one left and came back).  In my time of living with other humans, who do so mainly on my couch, there is not much to it.  Now something as complicated as a house, however, is different than simply letting someone live on my couch.  From everything you had done for me up to about a month or so before this time period, you had shown some amazing abilities that I generally do not get from the male species.  It was this trust that I started to bring into you that made me feel having you as a basic permenate resident.  However, then something changed.  All I can say is that the change in itself was... that I did not seem as important to you anymore.  If you are just a friend, that is no big deal.  When you are someone looking to live with me, where I must trust all of my stuff to your very existance, that is once again another story.

It is true, that things could have been happening in your life, things such as life events, maybe things you would not even care to talk about to anyone.  That is fine, I can give others space.  However, I think it very possible to at least state something like, "I am going through something and just do not want to talk about it right now."  I can understand that.  Realize that well before this time frame, you were talking to me about issues.  So the fact you were just dumping me to the curb when I was looking to add you to a large step in my life set me totally off.  It was not just that... I mean, people talk things about me, disrespectful, and you just sit there.  Not a single thing in my defense or honor.  While I do not care about the assults, to see someone who I feel cares enough about me sit by and do nothing with injustice against me... well... that's difficult to do.  I'm still human.

I admit, the beer most likely made it come out a bit more raw than I usually allow, however, the fact remains, everything I said to you in your yahoo was done in hurt on my part.

Then the strange thing is, that for some reason you feel I did this great injustice to you.  I could only imagine what that would be.  No, that was not sarcastic, I am not sure, and at this point, between you and others you know, I have no clue who to believe in what.  An example was a message I came to as I had been away from my computer.  The message asked something like, "I heard that you use women for only one thing."  I thought such a question... odd, to just be out of no where, so generally I asked as to who would make such a comment about me.  After a few in that conversation, I would find, that the so-called party would be you.  This would come at a time when you already were not responding to me any more, so naturally, I would think there be a possibility you would make a comment.  Who knows why... and honestly, at this point, who knows if it is true.

So, the condesnded down rolled into a shell version of this is... that I feel less trust in you due to your actions towards me, especially with you just wanting to not want and talk about it anymore.  I see that for some reason, the good friend I was to you just dropped, even before I left my comments to you on 11/27 around 3a.  Since I was going to get a place with you, I lost that trust and was the reason I said I no longer saw you as a best friend.  In saying such, in no way did I want you to just go away.  Maybe you took it that way... maybe humans helped put the thought into your mind... maybe there is something else that I am very unaware of.  Could be a little of this and that.  Only you know that, and anyone you have possibly talked about, and of course, God.

So here is my my side, what I know, and what I feel.  If you read this far, then excellent, I appriciate you taking out a bit of time to read this far.  Of course, I am extremely curious as to what made you choose to want to up and walk away from out friendship, however, that in itself is something you have to choose to express.  Please note, that one way or another, even if you just wish to go seperate ways, that I still have a few things that you may like access to.  Mostly pictures and a few video files regarding you.  Whether you are done with this friendship, or you wish to do something about it, I shall post these things for you if you request.


Captain Back-Up

{note to Moondrop}

I sent an email, a while back, and the email had a curiosity or so in it.  I noticed that the email had not been read, which was fine, with my old days of procrastination I had no room to talk about prompt replies.  However, then I noticed a very angry-like response to it in your journal.  The response would give me the answer to my curiosity, so realize I took that as my personal reply, even if it was indirect and required translation.

I'm not going to beat down the door as to flash what I feel is all right and wrong with everything regarding how this whole situation came to be.  My translation is that you feel I am some how rubbing things in your face via my yahoo status message, most notably, the comment I left that stated "wanting to sex my friend".  You felt that at some point during the conversation next waking day, that I was attempting to seduce other women as well as chat with you, which was absolutely incorrect.  You would do the one thing I have not ever seen you do towards me, which is apologize for the very harsh comment you made, however, you would erase that by ending your conversation stating that "I deserved the snappy attitude" or something similar.  That is where the email came through.  I failed, for the life of me, to understand what it was that I did to deserve such comments.  Away messages?  If that is the case, then more people deserve to be very aggitated with me, such as when I state I am eating everyone's mother, having sex with inanimate objects, or the many other strange status messages that I decide to use from time to time.  What I had noticed, is that the response I got in the chat, and would later see in your journal, was very similar to things I have gotten from you since before I even left WI, where something would be going on in my life, and you would take personal offense to it, as if I was directing it towards you.

This note is to state that I am no longer going to fight such things with you anymore.  I have gotten almost nothing but negative reactions from you, as if everything is my fault.  Oddly enough, it is in such a way, that I am rather shocked that you had come to talk to me as much as you do, hang out with me as much as you had, and the fact that you had not blocked or removed me from any form of messanger.  I guess to that, I owe that... there must be something more going on than what I am getting from the surface.

Realize one important thing.  That while you have feelings and may possibily be sensative at times about things, I totally feel (and I said feel not know) that you may have been taking a lot of frustration of your day to day life out on me, that thing I know as displacement (I go to work, the boss screams at me, I go home and kicked the dog who is simply licking himself kind of thing).  It would explain why you have not totally erased me from your existance.  Or maybe it's just not come to your mind and your end up never coming on my yahoo or JOHD anymore.

Despite what you may think about me, I'm not in the business of dealing out pain.  The comment you made where you stated that I did nothing more than cratique or "correct" your posts is not 100% true.  I actually related with a few posts you made, and the reason I started commenting more than usual is that unlike myself, I realize you write a bit more for other people.  You have shown an interest in knowing what it was people were doing with your journal, and my attempt was to SHOW you that I was actually reading the majority of your posts.  They were in the way they were due to the kind of responses you had been posting to JOHD.  In all honesty, I figured it was something you would have appricaited... that your posts were being read, and I was taking time out of my busy day to actually respond to them.  I admit that I can see how one could take them in a negative tone, but realize that I am human.  If I do something to offend you, it only takes a calm and simple, "Hey Madd, I wanted to let you know what you are doing is something that bothers me," or anything of similar tone.  Your approach to it, however, is how you have approached me with most of the issues you have had with me.  That bothers me.  It bothers me that you would simply take the snippy route towards me as opposed to talking to me about it.  I know you have the ability, for there have been voice conversations that have reflected such.

So to sum things up, I'm not attempting to cause you any discomfort in your life, and I can only care as much about someone else as they show feelings towards me, with very rare exceptions to this list (ie God).  So I present this all to you, in an extremely calm and thinking manner (translation: I am attempting to think of the better way to express my feelings in this post).  Where it goes from here, well, is up to you, and as always, I welcome any communication, in here or in private.

(please realize no sarcasim or cynical expression was used in this message... it is sincere and from the heart. if any sarcasim or cynical expression was detected by you, I simply ask you read that part over again with the thought in your mind that I am being sincere)

(also note the title of this entry was created from things seen around my room and has no actual reference to anything, thanks)