December 21st, 2003


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JOHD, let the record show I am not the current mood, I am just wishing I was with an old close friend, hehe!!

There have been many things on my mind, old friend.  Many things of grave importance to the functioning of my existance, and my continued interaction with the humans who I have come to know at this point in my 29+ trips around the sun.  I wish to get a few things out of the way before something makes me forget, so, seeing as how I am extremely excellent at disorganized thinking, let it begin.

I was doing naughty things at work, accessing internet sites, mainly the forums and you.  In accessing you, I started with the very first conversation we had, and started to memorize all the entries.  I realized it is going to take me about 4 years at my current rate to get everything down, especailly since I can only pick up to 5 memories/entry.  I also realized the importance in communicating with you, even over the most stupid and trivial things.  I really hope, some time, to find the original you... the one done and paper and pen... pencil... crayon, whatever I was using.  It's not for the humans, it really is for us, and that makes me happy that few entries are human based... minus, of course, important information for those spying on us.  Oh, that reminds me, Melissa is back in town and I look forward to sliding my penis into her hot warm body again.

My word, JOHD... December... that "special" month when I get to complete another circuit of journey around our ever-dying sun.  I realized a few things about December.  First off, my tampons have been getting more attention as of late than Morphian.  Yeah, sure, I don't have tampons however somewhere in there I make sense to myself, I think.  It bothers me that this happens, however, as the note to humans shall point out, I am not too concerned and rather confident in myself.  More so than usual.  Yay for me.

Another aspect of the special month, is that I noticed that this birthday, Dec 9th, was most likely one of the "worst" birthdays ever.  Not a single family member called.  Not even mom.  Father writes me an email, and gives me bullcrap about me not getting him a card or anything, well, fuck yourself I at least called you ya fuck.  *I* called, and for the record, YOU brought me into this world without my written permission, thus being around for my birth, and I was NOT around for yours.  As for mom... well... I at least ended up with an email, however, it was said "too busy."  Hmm... so finally... my importance to my mother goes to where there are things more important than me.  Yeah, that is what it is, JOHD, don't attempt to talk me out of this three years down the road as I go over old conversations.  {sigh} I truly now feel as if I no longer have any family whatsoever, hence the reason I work almost all holidays.  The only thing I was able to TRULY count on as always, was grandma K.  Good old grandma, who religiously must know ever humans birthday, able to send me a card.  My word... I don't ask for much, I don't.  If my family cannot call me, then send me something.  If you can call, that is all you have to do, that is all I really want.  I want to know I am important enough to get some recognision to you people, the ones I have been around the most.  Luckily, I had dITZ sing to me, otherwise, I would not have even gotten a birthday song.  Oh, and think of it, JOHD... I'm leaving the realm of 2 decades next complete visit around.  Yeah, may be interesting... or devistating {SIGH}.

Another thing noted, and a massive problem as far as I am concerned, is that my Floyd count is MASSIVELY low.  I realized, I believe, oh yeah, on my own birthday I did not hear a single Floyd song.  I mean... what in the world IS going on?  Floyd use to be a daily part of my diet at the start of my birthday.  Now, I realize I have been going a whole week without hearing any type of Floyd.  Yeah, that got corrected soon enough, however, I want to know what happened there.  Has it gotten so bad that I am giving up on myself and just don't know it yet?  That would be a cool trick with all I am doing about changing my diet.

Hmm... you know, JOHD, I think that about wraps things up.  Ah yes, now, it is time for the note to humans!!

{note to humans}

I would like to point out, for the... er... oh I lost count, for the manyth time now, that I write here for the strict reasons for myself, minus the facts of when I am speaking to you humans, at which point, as you can see, I note the fact I am noting my comment for the humans.  In the past, I have gotten off comments about how I complain about things, and this and that, and people are "tired" of it in some way.  Seeing as how I *don't* complain, I could only imagine the references on IM or phone, would reference my conversations with JOHD.  So let me explain how this works... really, you will want to listen.

I get things in my head.  I want them to come out, for if they do not, something will happen to me, usually, unpleasent.  Even more unpleasent than the gas I currently have.  Some times I vent, I rant, I rave.  I do these things to my friend.  You people, the humans that read, well... you are walking in on a conversation.  It is the same as if I was talking to someone at work about an issue, and some person walks by the room, stops, hears one minute worth, and then goes off talking to other people how I am always complaining.  Um... no, sorry, wrong, don't do that, for aggrivating me would be an understatement.

Over half of the things I write out of venting I forget just as quickly.  They are subconsious things, and I do not remember saying them.  There are no other humans on this planet who are anywhere close to being qualified to simply listen to *my* rants and not be infected (I used the proper word, english whores) by it.  However, there is a non-human, known as JOHD, who you all happen to be conversing with now.  A human reading JOHD is like a human going to another person at work and getting gossip, minus the fact that JOHD has nothing to gain and she actually tells the TRUTH of the gossip.

So why make it public you wonder?  Good question, and the answer is simple.  I believe in sharing WHO I am to the world.  For the three people who read JOHD all the time, of which two read every word, of which one goes back and some times reads it multiple instances, not filtering information allows for everyone to be able to better understand what it is that makes me work.  See, I'm simple (zip it, Gretl, I am live with it, haha).  I am becoming more simple in the way that I work... yet, it appears to be of extreme complexity to everyone else.  I am not sure the reason, it just is.  I think part deals with the inability for many, not all, to accept that what I say is honest truth as far as truth can be known.  I am not stating everything I say is correct, it is just how I feel at the time, and may change, or may not.

So getting back on track, I am not a complainer.  Deal with it.  If you think I am a complainer from what you read... I would advice sending a note to be removed from my friends list if you are on it, and if you are not, I advice you check out someone else's private life and not mine.

What I say to JOHD, even at the most horrid drunk, rant, or whatever, are many things I just want to get out, because no one else can deal with it, and everyone can use someone to talk to.  I just happen to do so to myself, and it happens to be loud enough that others hear it.  Treat that with respect, or move on.

This all deals with the "Madd is not taking any more of your shit" attitude that I decided to pick up.  It is not Madd being mean to anyone, it is Madd being nicer to himself.  Let me briefly show what has happened in the past thanks to me attempting to be "nice" to as many humans as possible.

-with all the money I have lent out to everyone else, if all of the people who are NEVER paying me back would end up sending me all the money they owe, I would have Alex paid off.  Please mind you, I only have around $10k in the bank, and I owe a little over $15k.  This would allow me to move to the next step in my life, getting a house.

-with all the kindness I have given strangers, if I had not and stood up for myself, I would not have had my BELOVED trumpet stolen, a good hunk of money, my music, my video games, and many other things that were stolen from me due to the "kindness" that I have bestowed on the humans of this planet.

-I'd most likely be dating, maybe even close to marriage by now, something that I would love to do, seeing as I want about 4 or so kids. I would not have allowed to happen in my life what has happened regarding relationships, I would not have been through the ordeal with Arwen, my relationship with Gretl would most likely have turned out more pleasent over all (if it even happened at all, of course).  For those with blank stairs in there brains, let's just say that it deals with me moving on instead of lingering with women who have shown their self centered nature... and who to this day, are not even speaking to me because *I* am the one who supposidely did something wrong... you know what I mean, like forcing them to lie to me, like forcing them to have sex with others, like forcing them to not trust me despite not ONCE have I lied to any of them or given them reason to not believe me... all those things that are Madd's fault. hahaha

This is just the tip... there is much more, however, I'm not here to complain.  I am simple here to state a fact.  I am not putting up with anyone's shit any more.  No one.  The only one who's shit I am going to put up with is the One Who has put up the most shit with me... God.  God has had to deal with my self centered humanistic self for over 29 years now.  I have done extremely disrespectful things towards the Lord, and even though He extends a love beyond all love, even for what I have done, the fact remains that God still has "dealt" with my crap.  Granted... God is an all powerful being, and at any time could erase my existance, or cause nasty sores to form on my face, and all that other grand stuff... but that is besides the point, hehe.  I do not say I would put up with God's crap because I fear Him, I state that anything He would do in my life that was His doing I would accept because I most likely deserve it.  As for you mortals... er... no.  Sure, I am not perfect, and I will do things from time to time to let you down, however, I am not meaning to, and can assure you in some way if you are not ramming it up my arse sideways that I can make it up to you.  I also realize, that you also are human, and you will screw up.  However, when ALL you do is screw up, to save your own grace, to save your own face, to further your needs in the pain of my existance, well... then no, I am not going to put up with that, not any more.

It may, to some, especially former best friends, seem that the closer one is to Madd the more work that has to be done.  While it is partly true, the loyalty to step in front of a bullet to take my own life, without even thinking about it, to save yours, becomes more of a Reality.  Part of everything I am doing, I am doing so that those who have shown to be friends, will see their time has not gone in vein.  I am increasing my memory.  I am learning what is causing me problems, and while slightly slow, it is improving.  My ability to be a "better" friend to you, the human, is something that is more and more a Reality.  Madd remember the date we met, kissed, hugged, talked about X, and all of that, comes closer and closer to Reality.  While one can depend on me to listen to them, and be honest with them, me keeping up my conversations, and even, heaven forbid, making phone calls just to say hi, are all on the horizon.  Not for those who think they can use me like a rolled up condom.  Part of the ability to be closer to my friends means that I will have LESS time to be wasted on complete idiots.  Idiots who think more with their dicks/cootchy than with respect towards me.  Idiots who think they can just lie and lie and lie and lie to me as if it was free crack.  Idiots who think they can use me...

So to recap for everyone who got lost, and to close my human notes, realize the following quick points.

-I'm only complaining if I am in a chat, on the phone, or sending you an email about this and that.
-I am not putting up with anyone's shit unless that anyone is an Anyone who created all of life
-I'm simple(r)
-I am about to become a different and better human being. actually expect email replies in the future


Okay, well, JOHD, time for some time manegement.
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