November 18th, 2003


Five Parts Insanity Two Parts Nothing

Well, JOHD, it looks as if there are not so many emails and comments as I thought... just one.

Moving on, I feel that of late I have been falling into the human trap, the one programmed in me since birth that states some years down the road I *must* go out and get a girlfriend, and let nature do whatever from there.

**//Late Breaking News//**

Capp enters the scene yet again.  You know, when they say you never forget your first girlfriend, I do not think they invisioned "soap ophra" Madd into the picture.  My word, I am simply losing my mind.  I mean, I have not had this many strings of "things not going the best" since... well... since Arwen (since things went so very wrong between us, not before).

My fear has become Reality... the "Heather" that Gizmo is almost practically seeing is no other than Capp.  Hahaha!!  Thank you whoever for the wonderful sense of humor.  God... you know, honestly, I realize You are the creator of everything, can do what You want, and I know, compared to many human beings in this world, I am far off better.  I realize this, I do... okay, so my calm nature is no longer such, and I have become a little unstable.

I mean... I lose the love that I had with someone who had been one of the most important influences possibly ever in my life.  Gone... the only human I ever mistaken for myself, if even for a brief month or so.  Doing my best, and sucessfully failing.  At least one human benefitted from that.

My body... just slowly but surely falling apart, at such a young age.  If it is not one stupid thing it is another.  I am sure when I get my test results when I go get tested for STI I will have a pretty something or two.  Why not, it would only be so fitting.

My mind... that I fight so hard for... to better... just to watch it fail, over and over and over.  Destroying friendships and the care that was once other humans.

WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE!?!?  Was my actions from so long ago so darn horrid that it cursed me for the rest of my life?  I mean... don't I at least go a little step above your average human, by saying it how it is, and not taking advantage of everyone I meet?  A break?  Can't I get a break?  Alex is not well, any piece of technology is not well... I never can win at that.  Oh, but it does not stop me from trying!  Hell fucking no it does not.

I am so weak... just so weak... I feel like crying myself to sleep, however, that would be many humans I would dissipoint later.

I'm... sorry, Lord, I really am.  I am not attempting to blame You or anything for this.  I am weak... I know it... You do not have to do anything to help me realize this.  I think of myself as this great and powerful, almost non-human... able to tell truth as it is as no human can... able to listen to humans when other humans would not... that I am "the greatest fucking friend a human could ever have" when in Reality... well... I have already seen what I have caused to others.

of course, i never claimed i was perfect as a few others have... so im not totally egotistical, and I am just doing my best to keep a positive mind in a planet filled with negativity...

why, God, why her... why... why I ask because it fits into what I was attempting to talk about because I lost all things of something that I was thinking but not sure what I am thinking about anymore.  Maybe I do give up... if suicie was not an immortal sin, maybe I would find myself 140 MPH into an exit ramp... one of those new ones, haha, that I cannot stand so much... that I dislike... man i cant stand that stupid I-235 construction.  Boo to them... boo to them all.  Boo to this city, and boo to the millions and billions of stupid humans that are so power and money hungry... boo to you, and may God take care of you in His own way...

okay... im a bit more calm i think... let me check... Madd... strike Bugs and Thugs... go... hahaha... now look, would I sit here and kill off ever human if I had feelings?

you might, rabbit, you might... hahaha, that still kills me, well good, I feel much better about myself thanks to a rabbit... a crazy rabbit. That reminds me I so wanna go see the new movie out. yeah, I wonder, just wonder, if I get a quick taste of that I love so much... will I get to experience it if I go see the movie?

you might, rabbit, you might
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Formal Apology to God

In front of the many (12 or so) humans who keep in touch with JOHD, God, I wish you to realize my last post, that was made from hurt from too many things piled on to me, I wish to ask for your forgiveness for anything said that might be considered hurtful or bad.  In no way do I mean to disrepect anything You have done or provided, for I have turned into a truely better human being than I use to be, so many moons ago, thanks to the many things You have helped present to me, both good and bad.  I wish for the world to realize, as You already do, that my love and respect for You is something that will never be able to be touched by any human or inanimate thing in any existance.  You have put up with me when no others could, including my own self.  You have provided for me when no other human being could have.  You have given me the ultimate... unconditional love that only a perfect being could.  I truly am greatful for everything You have done for me.  I thank you for the many times you answered my prayers with strength, when I otherwise would have failed.  I thank you for Jesus Christ, who died on the cross so that I could be forgiven of sin.  I realize You would forgive me for anything implied or written in my last... not-so-coherent post.  I still wish it to be known, since by now I feel You have helped me in expressing to others what may already be obvious to me.

I realize the potential for pain and suffering given the rest of this year, with so much unknown to myself, and ask You, my Father, for the strength to continue to make it thought.  Amen.
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