June 4th, 2003


House of Pain

Well... JOHD...  Things are not going well in the ways of June.  My first paper is already due tomorrow, a day ahead of what I had thought.  Also... my net appears to be sparatic, and anything could be causing this.  Not that it matter... my life as I know it this month is over.  {sigh} I am slightly discouraged but at the same time realize this is something that is due to me... that I have some how caused to myself.  However... the ability to communicate with the outside world may have just dropped many times over now.  This is way more work than I originally thought, and the only real solution at this point is one I did not wish to go to... lack of sleep.  So... I shall re-evaluate the challenge, and see if it is truly possible given the new set of circumstances.

Okay... July 6th, 2003 at 11:59 PM MAT (Madd Adaptive Time) is when the new challenge is put to, and aye, I do accept!

Existance is futile

Everything in existance... a lie.  I understand the reasons that Socraties was put to death.  I understand what they feared so much... that everything they take to know no longer exists.  I understand the reason Neo throws up.  I understand much more, and with it, I agree with Cypher.  Ignorance can be bliss.  I understand why my relationships fail, and it is rarely a true case of being the female's fault.  God, forgive me... forgive me in the way that only you can.  The pain... of what is and is not real... plagues my mind like a virus... one that is out to take over and destroy the host by copying onto its existance over that which is already been set by another.

So onward I go... to read, and possibly cause my own damnation, as I start to possibly question all that I have only slightly done, but now with great force.  Of course, as far as I really know, I do not even truly exist... and it would not matter anyway.
  • Current Music
    I am not sure

Basic Realization 101

Being the "wise" human that I am, I come to realize many a humans could see the events that are about to unfold as my insanity, a direct cause of them.  Granted, since nothing in existance may matter anyway, what would make me concerned of such could be puzzling, since any rational or even irrational explaination I could produce could equally be destroyed.  However, something in me, possibly a habitual program that yet refused to die or take into acount the rest of what I know, may still be active and attempt to protect my mind from what could be considered "Drain Bamage", that final trip to Reality Zero.  {sigh} A trip that I always had predicted that was possible (since anything is possible including the impossible).  Now I see my foot keeping the door open to this Reality Zero, a place where my mind no longer exists, yet, my body continues to function within the world and society that you have all come to know as your own.  Aye, a note to humans this would be considered, thus, a note it shall be known as.

So no one human nor no one human event shall be blamed/responsible for the trip that I have once again for the second time in my life go down.  Drain Bamage I am not yet, for I still filter to the exterior world... however... to the internal world of Maddness... filtering has already failed and broken down.  Those things you humans protect yourself with in the forms of lies and deception have long been destroyed, and everything that can flood and infatuate the mind with the "what if"'s of the world bombard what use to be subconsious but is not conscious.  The EGO, protecting in the form of defenses that have either failed me, or possibly, the real Reality of what I have always wanted, even of myself.  The truth.  A strong working task to realize what is the truth.  I seek this truth, and now, I get it in a way that I agree... difficult to accept.  Granted, these truths come in forms of things that are unpleasent.  God... the mighty being Who I have worship, in love and anger, through my existance, gets put on this platter.  If God does exist, then my brain must think of the possibility, what if He does not exist.  What if there was no God?  To everything that I once believed and held sacred, I tag the following after it:

What if this is false?

A sense of honesty, something I would want to pass on to my children... I now think to myself... what if this sense of honesty is wrong or false?  Honesty, the very backbone of current Maddian thinking.  Even my existance... when I dream a dream, and for seconds I sense the presence of others, some times, unable to determine who or what they are, how do I know that these "dreams" that I think of are not similar to something happening to me.  A creature or being somewhere, asleep, and as seconds pass away for the creature, years pass for myself.  At some point, this creature will "wake up", and when the creature does, the Madd I know to be shall fall to the ground due to "heart attack", "hit by a bus", or the many million of other possible ways for a human to die.  The deja-vu I feel is nothing more than the creature having dreamt of my "existance" a multiple time.  So how do I truly know I am not just that?  I think therefor I am?  How do I know I am really thinking?  I dream the dreams where I have dreams in that essance, and that dream person who is myself is "thinking" as many of the others there may "believe" they are thinking also.  Descart may be wrong.  Everything may be wrong.

Or... I could just be setting myself up for eternal damnation.  Just to think the opposite of something to better understand if the first half is real or not may be enough to enslave my soul to a place of bleak doom.

Or maybe I truly am nothing more than an extremely complicated one celled organism that came from the sea million of billions of years ago, and when the 4th Dimentional clock stops ticking... it is over, the same as when you turn a light switch off, and never again turn it back on.

Or maybe it is I, Maddness, who am asleep.  Asleep in a way that I am going to wake up, and find that I am a different age, and in a different existance, that with a wife and family.

There are some things I would wish I knew were absolute truth, however, the only absolute truth can be as such when it is not proven wrong, and there is no way I can think of where this could be the case.  The world was flat... it just was, and that is the way the world was taught.  It was flat because it was not proven wrong... until it was.  Then the earth was also the center of the universe... for a while (a while long enough to surpass the average human life span, meaning some died without every knowing the truth).

{sigh} Ah... calm... I feel calm.  No crying, no feelings of utter disarray... explain this to me, JOHD, how it is my mind now comes to the state it does.  I mean, in a very short period of time, I have come to what would appear to be some bleak observations of life.  I have lost trust in my best friend, I have realized I may be single and never have the family that I had always desired... a woman who I despise due to the very breaking of truth, honesty, and the like may be carrying my child, something that I personally would never want.  And yet, it may all not matter, due to the fact that I could be nothing more than a program built or created with the specific task of setting forth something in the futher that this human or creature will later, or already has, interact with.

hAhAhA!!  I think it easier for me to understand why depression is not something that fall into.  That even on the saddest of days, they are overturned in great quickness.

Well... JOHD... under usual situations, I would note this as an attempt to procrastinate.  I have to work at 330p, and bed time is to be around 1230a, and I have 118+ pages to read, and about 3 pages to write.  I spent a good hour going to Gretl's place, to give her a surprise, a little before my mind started to... well... take this "new" course of thinking.  I state new, because the thought that I am the only one who exists, or that I am just a program for another person who is the only one who exists, is something that has been though of before.  Not quite with this intensity, I might add, however it was there in the past.  {sigh}

So what can the humans of the world expect from all this?  Well... most of which will hear more of what is seen as the real truth than their minds shall be able to take.  Most of them will rather have been rid of me, so that their mind can better appricate their habitual existance, in which they do very little to live the examined life.  Socrates might find himself enjoying a chat with me.  Granted, given his nature, he may see me as one not as wise as him, since a prophet had stated he was the wisest man in existance, but nevertheless, he might enjoy such conversation.  I know I would, after all, those are the type of humans I seek to find... to bring into my collective... and now, I continue my work, with less than 2 hours left on the clock.  May the Lord, once again, forgive me, as He knows more than I and may realize the true pain I feel in my questions is not wanting to live without He who I love more than any.  While I pose these questions, does not mean yet that I follow any of it.  The Lord still exists in my Reality.  The Lord is still the utmost powerful force, unless He sees otherwise.  The Lord is good, the Lord is great, and may the Lord have mercy on my soul.


Beware Humans of Long

I also feel I believe a better understanding why so many people hated Socratese, and I feel myself falling into a similar boat, minus the trial and posioning.  I attempted from time to time to feel and think of him as being egoticstical and self-centered.  I am not able to.  Some of what he has gone through I see myself as the same.  The fact I am seen as egotistical, the fact that I am lothed by quite a few.  I understand the reasons and feel no anger nor hatred towards any of them, as also I shall not do such to those in the future, since the thoughts and feelings of how I deal with information with other humans shall change drastically to a bluntness that many will find difficult to accept or swallow.  Most, shall do as I expect.  Cloud the information I give them or relay to how I feel or view with blunt excuses, as opposed to accept the fact they failed as some aspect of a being, human or other.  To these humans I apologize on advance... however, to others shall be spared.  Some humans straight up state there are some things they just wish to not know, and to these humans, the information shall not be pushed.  I think to a time when I was not yet dating, but involved, and said human rather did not want to know my involvment with other women.  This, of course, is something that I shall grant.  However, for those who do not make it present, and who do not answer a simple, "By the way... I thought I should warn you about an aspect of behavior..." well... they choose their own fate by choosing nothing at all.

So, humans of long, who have been around for some time, or who would plan to do as such...

You have been official warned, and there will utterly be zero, nul, zip empathy or sympathy if you allow this information to blow up in your face.  You all choose to associate with me or not to associate with me.  You all choose to read what I write.  You all choose to not read what I write and only take in bits and pieces of information.  Choices for you all.  As good example, "ignorance of the law is no excuse for breaking the law".