May 4th, 2003

So Why Don't the Humans Understand?

JOHD, this chat reflects part of that reason, and much more will come in regards to who I really am.  JOHD, you have been best at keeping up with this, and I thank you.

The following is a chat with my girlfriend followed by a chat with my... ... best friend, well, still my best friend.  By the chat alone, I may end up losing both best friends, and it is a long complicated process, however, I am on a time table here baby!!

The best thing to remember when dealing with me are a few important keys, of which I shall only name a quick few here.

-I am not always right and rarely want to be anymore.
-I am flawed, make imstakes, and contradict what I say, so don't scold me for it it only tells me how YOU really are
-I have picked up an insane amount of bad habits, by my definition, of which can even be seen in the following two chats. I know this occurs and work to correct the habits.

**/Chat with Sewcute AKA Girlfriend\**

maddmartin74 (11:36:18a): well I apologize for just being "idle" last night... my computer decided it was not going to let up, and I had important information I did not want to lose, so I could not just shut my computer off
maddmartin74 (11:36:55a): when I sent you those emails you could have already told me this
maddmartin74 (11:37:13a): but you have been doing exactly as I had thought, talking to Jess (expected) and also talking to Gretchen
maddmartin74 (11:37:44a): you do not know what to do to change it?
maddmartin74 (11:38:08a): I may be slow and procrastinate, however one thing I do not do is give up
maddmartin74 (11:38:46a): i do not even plan to do anything with my college education at this point, simply, just graduate
sewdork (11:39:09a): call you? how could I?
maddmartin74 (11:39:36a): "As i said to you last time I was in
DM, I really don't like how we don't talk as much, but
I didn't let it bother me"
sewdork (11:39:51a): and write you an email. . .I believe this was stated when we first met, that I don't like to write emails. . .
sewdork (11:40:23a): and had to leave for work
maddmartin74 (11:40:33a): I am talking in regards to your comment I just copy and pasted
sewdork (11:40:56a): oh I was talking not in regards to that
maddmartin74 (11:40:59a): in a relationship, it is not expected that the other person could fix all of the problems of the other
maddmartin74 (11:41:14a): however, when issues bother a woman, I at least like to not be the LAST person on the list to figure it out
maddmartin74 (11:41:37a): frankly, that is not how I want to spend the rest of my life with someone
sewdork (11:41:56a): considering I had not told anyone that I didnt' like that we didn't talk, you were not the last to know
sewdork (11:42:26a): maddmartin74: I am talking in regards to your comment I just copy and pasted
maddmartin74 (11:42:28a): i apologize, i am jumping around a bit
sewdork (11:43:18a): it is fine. . .just a minute, I have like three more dishes to finish
maddmartin74 (11:43:19a): then i went and switched
sewdork (11:45:29a): ok dishes are done, I am all yours
sewdork (11:46:04a): where would you like to start? (I say you because you know more about what you are talking about than I do)
sewdork (11:46:54a): you don't know?
maddmartin74 (11:47:09a): i am processing a lot more mental information than usual
sewdork (11:47:38a): ok
sewdork (11:49:12a): does this mean you would like to talk at another time, when you aren't processing quite as much? or that I just need to wait a little while?
maddmartin74 (11:49:47a): it means at this time you have the choise to wait or expect delayed responses or talk another time
sewdork (11:50:08a): I can wiat
sewdork (11:50:09a): wait
maddmartin74 (11:53:39a): i do not know where to start
sewdork (11:54:00a): well maybe start where you started in this im?
maddmartin74 (11:54:26a): i started apologizing on behalf of my computer
sewdork (11:54:48a): which I accept
sewdork (11:56:03a): the thing is, i do call you, but we don't talk half the time
sewdork (11:56:08a): which is why I dont' call you as often
sewdork (11:56:21a): and also, I have worked two nights a week for the past two weeks
maddmartin74 (11:56:24a): we do not talk half the time, but remember talking is a two way street
sewdork (11:56:25a): and had lots of homework
sewdork (11:56:30a): yeah I know
maddmartin74 (11:56:33a): last time when I was driving home...
sewdork (11:56:35a): i ramble on and on about my day
maddmartin74 (11:56:49a): ... I started just rambling in attempts to get things going (this was after the protein research)
maddmartin74 (11:57:03a): then I would stop, and you would not say a word, and that is basically what has started to happen
maddmartin74 (11:57:27a): it is odd in your email you go on talking about how you miss talking so much yet I have seen you being the one not taking the oppertunity
maddmartin74 (11:57:43a): when I asked about the relationship when we were driving and I told you I was not or did not want to date your family
sewdork (11:58:01a): what do you mean not taking the opportunity?
sewdork (11:58:16a): explain, how am I not doing that?
maddmartin74 (11:58:35a): to talk about any aspect, without having to explain what I meant
maddmartin74 (11:58:58a): i saw myself doing most of the initiating
sewdork (11:59:04a): well as far as that goes, i was not sure how to explain it. . .or to talk about it, and I believe I did say some things
maddmartin74 (11:59:16a): eventually you did, correct
maddmartin74 (11:59:38a): or the time I was at work and you were on the other line for about an hour
maddmartin74 (11:59:49a): there was plenty of time to talk then
sewdork (12:00:10p): no there wasn't
maddmartin74 (12:00:18p): "you were at work" or "I thought/you were busy" etc is not a viable excuse, since if I have you on the line, there was plenty of time to talk
maddmartin74 (12:00:23p): no there was not?
sewdork (12:00:27p): you were talking to other people
sewdork (12:00:34p): you were helping customers
maddmartin74 (12:00:51p): helping customers? on a few occassions, I was
sewdork (12:01:09p): and for a majority of hte time you talked with your co workers
sewdork (12:01:13p): maybe not majority
sewdork (12:01:15p): but quite a bit o the time
maddmartin74 (12:01:32p): i was talking to them just the same as if I was in a room with a bunch of different people talking to them
sewdork (12:01:44p): yes
maddmartin74 (12:02:15p): that would be like me saying "oh, your talking to jess so I am just going to be in the same room with you and be quiet"
sewdork (12:02:46p): well I am sorry, I do not like to interupt when someone is talkign to someone else
maddmartin74 (12:04:41p): when you are at the day care talking and two people/kids are talking to someone, do you hop in and attempt to talk to any of them at all?
sewdork (12:05:14p): so I am talkign to person a, and person b and c are talking? do I interupt b and c?
maddmartin74 (12:06:30p): i mean like my example
sewdork (12:07:01p): that is what I was trying to rewrite, your example, I am not exactly sure what you mean
maddmartin74 (12:07:32p): well, yours is fine if you simply drop opption A
sewdork (12:07:42p): so who am I talking to?
maddmartin74 (12:07:45p): B and C are simply talking do you JOIN B or C
sewdork (12:07:49p): oh
sewdork (12:07:58p): well it would depend on teh situation
maddmartin74 (12:08:36p): the situation is that B and C, at your daycare, are simply talking about random things, and you are there for an hour next to them
sewdork (12:09:07p): I might. . .I would probably insert my own thoughts every now and then
maddmartin74 (12:09:21p): ah, that is the phrase I was looking for
sewdork (12:12:17p): which I believe I did whilst we were on the phone for an hour
maddmartin74 (12:13:23p): I remember more silence than anything
maddmartin74 (12:13:31p): even when I was there doing tickets basically talking to myself
maddmartin74 (12:13:52p): and the fact of the matter is, there were many times I *was* talking to myself that you most likely thought I was talking to other people.
sewdork (12:14:51p): you say it is a two way street. . .why must I have been the one to start convo? usually when we talk, all I remember doing it rambling about my day/week
maddmartin74 (12:15:36p): and that is what I want to hear
maddmartin74 (12:15:53p): and you are NOT the one who starts the convo
sewdork (12:15:59p): excuse me?
maddmartin74 (12:16:31p): what are you excusing me for?
sewdork (12:17:09p): how am I not the one who starts convos? you rarely call me anymore, and when I do call you, I ask you how your day has gone, and other things like that, that you do not generally ask me
maddmartin74 (12:18:04p): do you remember how my conversations use to go?
maddmartin74 (12:18:19p): my conversations had me going into a whole great of detail of how your day was
maddmartin74 (12:18:34p): and as for stating the fact I rarely call you
sewdork (12:19:00p): that I like to use the phone?
sewdork (12:19:40p): I cannot remember your exact words at this time. . .but you cannot use that, because you used to call me everyday
maddmartin74 (12:19:54p): you use to email me all the time
sewdork (12:20:04p): yeah and you never responded
maddmartin74 (12:20:08p): so why can you use your email excuse but I cannot use my phone?
sewdork (12:20:13p): why am I going to send an email if I am not going to get a response?
maddmartin74 (12:20:24p): who says you are not getting a reponse?
sewdork (12:20:34p): to my emails that I have sent
maddmartin74 (12:20:48p): no, my question is who says you are not going to get a response?
sewdork (12:20:56p): I do
maddmartin74 (12:21:20p): then I see you have little faith in me or what I have been saying for the past few months
maddmartin74 (12:21:45p): 1) I procrastinate and know it, and when I have something else tieing me down like school, it will get many times worse
maddmartin74 (12:21:59p): 2)I am not a quitter, the whole reason I went back to school in the first place
sewdork (12:22:11p): which I understood, which is another reason for me *not* to send you emails, because I know I am not going to get a response so why bother?
maddmartin74 (12:22:14p): 3)multiple times I have addressed the fact I have not replied to MOST people's emails
maddmartin74 (12:22:24p): MULTIPLE times I have stated this
sewdork (12:22:29p): yes I know
sewdork (12:22:31p): and I am saying
sewdork (12:22:38p): why would I send an email if I am not goign to get a response?
maddmartin74 (12:22:59p): 4)the fact that I would be catching up to everyone
maddmartin74 (12:23:16p): 4)the fact I have stated more than once I would be catching up to everyone
maddmartin74 (12:23:23p): YOU are part of everyone
sewdork (12:24:36p): ok. . .this is true. . .what was I to write you an email about?
sewdork (12:24:56p): say my day, by the time you did respond it would be out of date anyways
sewdork (12:25:00p): and that is in my lj
maddmartin74 (12:25:03p): you could write emails about what you currently hate for the day
maddmartin74 (12:25:07p): how things are going
sewdork (12:25:23p): but then by the time you got to responding to it, it would be out of date
maddmartin74 (12:25:35p): if it is by email, correct
maddmartin74 (12:25:52p): ... if I see you writing about something that really concerns you, however...
maddmartin74 (12:26:08p): then I have a choice to overcome my phone thing and call
maddmartin74 (12:26:33p): the reason I called you as much as I did is the same reason I end up calling MOST people when I do... because a general curiosity is there
maddmartin74 (12:26:49p): while that is there, I most than emphisized, through personal experience, that I am not a phone person
maddmartin74 (12:27:03p): that when it comes to me calling, it is not a regular thing I do
maddmartin74 (12:27:14p): the BIGGEST reason more than anything is procrastination
sewdork (12:28:05p): ok yes I remember you saying you were not a phone person, but then when we first meet and you call me everyday, and we talk for long amounts of time, then your ACTIONS are speaking much louder than your WORDS, so I hear you say you aren't a phone person, yet you call me quite a bit
maddmartin74 (12:28:44p): im not a phone person
maddmartin74 (12:28:51p): my actions speak from curiosity
maddmartin74 (12:29:08p): my curiosity will make a liar out of many things I say when it comes to what I say vs what I do
maddmartin74 (12:29:34p): curiosity is even a more driving force than procrastination ever could be
maddmartin74 (12:29:50p): while I did not make a connection between the two...
maddmartin74 (12:30:01p): ... I *did* state how much curiosity has been to me
sewdork (12:30:39p): do you remember when I said that actions speak much louder than words? I did not look at you calling me everyday as your curiosity
maddmartin74 (12:31:08p): ok, so dont... and I believe I have mentioned actions speak louder than words many times over....
maddmartin74 (12:31:20p): and it can look to you whatever it wants
maddmartin74 (12:31:28p): *I* have ben around me
maddmartin74 (12:31:58p): what I did with you is what I would do with most humans I would contact, especially females I am attempting to get to know better...
maddmartin74 (12:32:13p): a curiosity as to what you really are will instill around me for a long time
maddmartin74 (12:32:20p): some times I look for certain things
maddmartin74 (12:32:45p): the best way to catch someone lying and compare it to their views on lying is to just talk with that person an insane about of time
maddmartin74 (12:32:56p): *that* is a curiosity
sewdork (12:33:44p): ok, well I do not know when you stopped being "curious" about me, but you continued to call me everyday, even a month after we were going out
maddmartin74 (12:34:06p): going out... a situation when more curiosity would take over
maddmartin74 (12:34:35p): this is a time where I PLAINLY warned AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE about school
sewdork (12:34:44p): yes you did
maddmartin74 (12:34:46p): this was more than a simple change to scedule
maddmartin74 (12:34:53p): this was more than a simple warning
maddmartin74 (12:35:17p): despite the fact I warned you AND Gretchen... I feel as if that warning was just tossed aside due to "my actions speaking louder than words"
sewdork (12:35:19p): and yet you still continued to call me after school started
maddmartin74 (12:35:31p): this is a case, where listening to the words is more important than the actions
maddmartin74 (12:35:36p): ah huh, I did
maddmartin74 (12:35:50p): and school digged on
maddmartin74 (12:36:09p): I realized it would be a matter of time... I knew I was just not going to stop talking to you point blank
maddmartin74 (12:36:35p): I also realized that while I was IN school that for many conversations to happen it was going to require effort on other people's part
maddmartin74 (12:37:04p): I warned everyone... yet it seems to me that my warnings were not taking into true heart
maddmartin74 (12:37:12p): in regards to you I say this because
maddmartin74 (12:37:20p): sewdork (12:35:19p): and yet you still continued to call me after school started
maddmartin74 (12:37:29p): sewdork (12:33:44p): ok, well I do not know when you stopped being "curious" about me, but you continued to call me everyday, even a month after we were going out
sewdork (12:37:42p): oh it was. . .I did not im you as much, I didn't email you as much, I did not call you as much. . .I sorta left you be, so you could do your school thing
maddmartin74 (12:37:59p): but why leave me?
maddmartin74 (12:38:09p): because you know I am not going to respond to you?
sewdork (12:38:11p): cause you were busy with school
sewdork (12:38:16p): and I did not want to bother you
maddmartin74 (12:38:28p): so if we are married and I am busy with work and I *tell* you as such, you going to leave me be?
sewdork (12:38:57p): well I wouldn't "bother" you as much as usual
maddmartin74 (12:39:27p): and since WHEN in my warnings or such did I say I wanted to be treated with less contact?
sewdork (12:39:32p): because, when you say you are busy with something, just like hwen I am busy with something I do not really want to be bothered, because I want to get that done
sewdork (12:39:37p): I still have contacted you
sewdork (12:39:39p): just nto as much
maddmartin74 (12:40:03p): if I am doing something of utmost importance where I want NO contact... it will happen
maddmartin74 (12:40:15p): I can assure you as much as I can the sun will rise and fall a few more years
maddmartin74 (12:40:23p): if I do NOT want you or any other human to contact me
maddmartin74 (12:40:37p): I know how to neutralize my phone
maddmartin74 (12:40:42p): I know how to not respond to email
maddmartin74 (12:40:54p): I know how to turn off my chat or leave up messages telling everyone to back away
sewdork (12:41:16p): maddmartin74: but why leave me?
maddmartin74: because you know I am not going to respond to you?
sewdork (12:41:24p): and yes partly because of that
maddmartin74 (12:41:53p): maddmartin74 (12:22:59p): 4)the fact that I would be catching up to everyone
maddmartin74 (12:23:16p): 4)the fact I have stated more than once I would be catching up to everyone
sewdork (12:42:06p): dude, ims are different than emails
maddmartin74 (12:42:26p): i keep up with IMs better
maddmartin74 (12:42:30p): because they are short
maddmartin74 (12:42:40p): if they require a response, I can do so with little effort
maddmartin74 (12:42:56p): even if it is a BIG response looked for, I can at least state "okay, will get back to you on that one"
maddmartin74 (12:43:13p): what makes you get your homework done when you do?
sewdork (12:43:16p): cause its due on thursday
maddmartin74 (12:43:30p): it works on more than juse homework
maddmartin74 (12:43:46p): "dear, I have this question X here, and would like a reponse before Friday please, thanks"
sewdork (12:43:55p): well
maddmartin74 (12:44:05p): so on IMs, or even email for that matter
sewdork (12:44:10p): to tell you honestly, I never thought of adding a "deadline" to it
sewdork (12:44:17p): that never occured to me
maddmartin74 (12:44:33p): but you are going on and on and on and on and on about the fact I would not respond to you
maddmartin74 (12:44:42p): and you know, I know the exact feeling that is
maddmartin74 (12:44:53p): there are times I would like responses to something that I say or do
sewdork (12:45:04p): well look at it from my point of view, I would go over to your apt, and you would respond to others ims when I am there, but not to mine when I am not there
maddmartin74 (12:45:19p): ad if I do not get them, then yeah, I would not be inclinded to start anything with that person... unless...
maddmartin74 (12:45:45p): that person has given me an exact warning, multiple times, that they are going through a time in their life... since that person was more than kind enought o warn me ahead of time
maddmartin74 (12:46:09p): you name me any day you were over here and I responded to an IM
maddmartin74 (12:46:16p): I will show you the exact reason that was
maddmartin74 (12:46:47p): you know, I am far from perfect, there are things that are said to me, that do not require a response, but I have the ability to respond to
maddmartin74 (12:46:57p): and some times I do not
maddmartin74 (12:47:18p): and there is a reason for all action or lack of, and I have come to understand most of mine
sewdork (12:47:18p): I guess there are times, i would like a response like to your pages, without having to tell you I want a response
sewdork (12:47:42p): (if the font bothers you, I can change it back ust let me know)
sewdork (12:48:01p): pages/im, either or
maddmartin74 (12:48:37p): it boils down to this... i am not going to apologize for my behavior or change of... i am simply not because, i warned you... i warned you all I would change
maddmartin74 (12:48:54p): i do apologize that the concept was something over your best understanding
maddmartin74 (12:49:08p): i come to the realization that is going to happen with most humans about me
sewdork (12:49:12p): I did not ask for an apology, or imply for one
maddmartin74 (12:49:23p): nor did I say I saw you wanting one
sewdork (12:49:26p): what concept? the concept of school being important?
sewdork (12:49:29p): ok just makign sure you knoew
sewdork (12:49:30p): knew
maddmartin74 (12:49:44p): not the concept of school being important... the concept of my behavior changing
maddmartin74 (12:50:01p): i warned Gretchen back when I knew there was going to be a change in my behavior
maddmartin74 (12:50:14p): and things went arey from there
maddmartin74 (12:50:27p): inability for human beings to understand that concept of me
sewdork (12:51:09p): concept of you changing because of school? or of you just changing?
maddmartin74 (12:51:18p): changing due to school
maddmartin74 (12:51:26p): school started to take its toll on me
maddmartin74 (12:51:33p): it was more than a matter of just getting work done
sewdork (12:51:41p): why do you think people didn't understand that concept?
maddmartin74 (12:51:47p): it was a matter of I should not fucking be here... it should have been over more than 5 years ago
maddmartin74 (12:51:56p): since you are one of them
maddmartin74 (12:52:14p): what may have helped drill into your mind the concept that when I state change I really mean change
sewdork (12:53:03p): hmm, I thought i did understand, and I thought my actions reflected that. . .it is just there were certain things that *did not* change because of school, and others that did. . .so the things that didnt change, and when they did it was harder for me to deal with, make sense?
maddmartin74 (12:53:47p): this chat is reflecting my seeing you not understanding, not your actions...
maddmartin74 (12:53:51p): certain things will not change
maddmartin74 (12:53:57p): no matter what I go through
maddmartin74 (12:54:01p): that is a given
maddmartin74 (12:54:20p): ... I am not going to give up listening to Pink Floyd, I am not going to completely remove myself from humans
sewdork (12:54:35p): ok, well look at it from my point of view, you said things woudl change, things a-d changed, but thing e didn't, and then when it did it was harder for me to deal with
maddmartin74 (12:54:40p): While I can warn humans of change... I cannot state everything that is going to change
maddmartin74 (12:54:54p): the phone... that *was* going to change sooner or later, with or without school...
maddmartin74 (12:55:15p): since that is NOT who I am
maddmartin74 (12:55:30p): he is going to use the phone, stop by, this and that and everything else
sewdork (12:55:35p): and that is a hard thing for me to deal with, esp when we first met that is how we communicated quite a bit
maddmartin74 (12:55:37p): once he is gone you are stuck with me
maddmartin74 (12:55:50p): we first communicated most via computer
sewdork (12:55:58p): well yes
sewdork (12:56:03p): but once we started talking on teh phone
sewdork (12:56:06p): it was quite abt
sewdork (12:56:07p): but
maddmartin74 (12:56:07p): let me poor out some stisticical data here
sewdork (12:56:09p): bnit
sewdork (12:56:10p): bit
maddmartin74 (12:56:31p): my away messages... how many times would you see a status message with an away message of SUN and it was WED?
sewdork (12:56:41p): hell we barely talk on teh computer now too
maddmartin74 (12:56:41p): i paid less attention to my computer
maddmartin74 (12:56:52p): i talk to very little people on the computer
maddmartin74 (12:57:03p): these are close end questions, by the way
sewdork (12:57:15p): so you dont' talk to people via computer, or via phone how are those who love you expected to be able to talk to you
maddmartin74 (12:57:21p): when do I do most of my... Maddian self doings, through the day or after midnight?
sewdork (12:57:48p): ah
sewdork (12:57:56p): after midnight
maddmartin74 (12:58:05p): when was my classes?
sewdork (12:58:11p): during the day
sewdork (12:58:33p): umm nine thiry and one thirty? or was it one?
sewdork (12:58:39p): one
maddmartin74 (12:58:59p): i stated to myself I was going to go to bed in time to not have to fight my alarm clock
maddmartin74 (12:59:09p): so I did my best to stay away from the computer
maddmartin74 (12:59:20p): I found that helped out a lot
sewdork (12:59:27p): which you did a very good job of, at least in my observations and am proud of you for that
maddmartin74 (12:59:35p): as for your "sewdork (12:57:15p): so you dont' talk to people via computer, or via phone how are those who love you expected to be able to talk to you" comment
maddmartin74 (12:59:42p): what did I say?
maddmartin74 (12:59:56p): what have I been attempting to communicate in this conversation?
maddmartin74 (1:00:02p): I will tell you this, you do not have to answer
maddmartin74 (1:00:15p): simply tell me you want to talk
maddmartin74 (1:00:33p): you know, you may not want to have to tell me, and I do not blame you, but once again, this goes down to what you and others just do not understand
maddmartin74 (1:00:38p): i warned you all
maddmartin74 (1:01:03p): thus, if you wish for things to happen, for responses, it is more up to you to start things during this period
maddmartin74 (1:01:30p): human's pride and ways of thinking would have to be changed then in order to talk to me
sewdork (1:01:47p): I will try to remember that. . .that if I wnt to talk to you, I have to tel you I do
maddmartin74 (1:01:48p): humans can just take the "I'll wait"
maddmartin74 (1:02:03p): my page system, where I have 0 - 9
maddmartin74 (1:02:11p): you know the reason I did it is for this exact reason
maddmartin74 (1:02:26p): it is not a matter of you wanting a resonse to that specific page you senfd
maddmartin74 (1:02:50p): if you are on you 68th page of just saying "just saying hi" and that is all you sent but I never reponded... maybe you just want to know I am still a live
maddmartin74 (1:03:23p): I made that system for pages JUST for the reason of those of you I *do* care about
sewdork (1:03:30p): what?
maddmartin74 (1:03:36p): my DSL, my cell phone, my phone features
maddmartin74 (1:03:41p): I GOT THESE ALL FOR YOU HUMANS
maddmartin74 (1:03:57p): I got them due to my realizing how difficult it is to get in contact with me
sewdork (1:04:01p): oh really? so you are saying, you could live happily without these things?
maddmartin74 (1:04:10p): Like I should give a rat's ass if I can get a slow internet on my phone
maddmartin74 (1:04:22p): even my flipping ear pieace
maddmartin74 (1:04:59p): when I am at work and want to get things done, I am not able to with my cell... ah,,, but with a HANDS FREE WIRELESS head piece I sure can let my girlfriend listen to me work for over an hour straigh EVEN while talking to other customers on the phone
maddmartin74 (1:05:06p): but $190?!? maddmartin74 (1:05:13p): that is more than the damn phone maddmartin74 (1:05:25p): I get all of this technology and crap for YOU people sewdork (1:05:30p): dear, i would like to see you be without those things for a week, and she how you feel afterwards maddmartin74 (1:05:34p): I spend all of this money for YOU maddmartin74 (1:05:44p): she? you mean see? maddmartin74 (1:05:51p): I have done it sewdork (1:05:53p): where is she? sewdork (1:05:57p): oh yes maddmartin74 (1:05:59p): sewdork (1:05:30p): dear, i would like to see you be without those things for a week, and she how you feel afterwards sewdork (1:06:00p): she=see sewdork (1:06:04p): i didn't see it sewdork (1:06:07p): when have you done it? maddmartin74 (1:06:18p): when I go into the few toys I buy FOR ME maddmartin74 (1:06:24p): Alex maddmartin74 (1:06:31p): a few video games maddmartin74 (1:06:46p): heck, even the REST of my fabled video game arsenal I get for YOU HUMANS maddmartin74 (1:06:50p): I buy extra controllers maddmartin74 (1:06:58p): what in the HELL do I require an extra controller for? maddmartin74 (1:07:06p): So I can play with my self against myself? sewdork (1:07:08p): in case one breaks? maddmartin74 (1:07:09p): hahaha maddmartin74 (1:07:11p): ok maddmartin74 (1:07:23p): WHY would I get games that are almost specific to MULTI players? sewdork (1:07:31p): cause maddmartin74 (1:07:31p): that have little interest if just one player? maddmartin74 (1:07:36p): cause... maddmartin74 (1:07:40p): I do it for YOU humans maddmartin74 (1:07:53p): so I can bring you all into MY world, where we can all have a wonderfully happy time together sewdork (1:07:55p): you like to interact with other humans, and playing video games with other people is interacting with them maddmartin74 (1:08:04p): ah huh maddmartin74 (1:08:10p): there are other ways to interact with humans maddmartin74 (1:08:13p): that cost no money sewdork (1:08:14p): there are sewdork (1:08:15p): but sewdork (1:08:18p): you like video games sewdork (1:08:29p): and you suually bring people into your existance who also like video games maddmartin74 (1:08:31p): I sure do, the reason I buy games that are JUST FOR ME maddmartin74 (1:08:38p): actually maddmartin74 (1:08:48p): that is one of three only ways I bring males into my life maddmartin74 (1:08:53p): 1)video games maddmartin74 (1:08:57p): 2)music maddmartin74 (1:09:09p): 3)movies maddmartin74 (1:09:21p): any male I call a friend... has one of these as a requirement maddmartin74 (1:09:25p): excuse me maddmartin74 (1:09:34p): ALL male humans I call friend maddmartin74 (1:09:36p): females? maddmartin74 (1:09:41p): females have no requirements maddmartin74 (1:09:55p): er wait, I said 3)movies maddmartin74 (1:09:59p): I meant 3)computers sewdork (1:10:09p): maybe there are four? sewdork (1:10:18p): where does myles fit in that list? maddmartin74 (1:10:27p): music maddmartin74 (1:10:37p): he also fit into something else that is no longer a part of my life... maddmartin74 (1:10:52p): 0)drugs maddmartin74 (1:11:00p): i no longer shmoke maddmartin74 (1:11:20p): so there are only three, I do not see where four come in sewdork (1:11:24p): movies maddmartin74 (1:11:29p): (andI replaced that one sewdork (1:11:41p): i was just saying, maybe movies is number 4) maddmartin74 (1:11:47p): no maddmartin74 (1:11:50p): movies is not on that list maddmartin74 (1:12:07p): oh, and 1)video games should be replaced with GAME playinf maddmartin74 (1:12:16p): since AD&D is not a video game, but it is a game maddmartin74 (1:12:23p): thus maddmartin74 (1:12:31p): 0)drugs maddmartin74 (1:12:40p): 1)game playing maddmartin74 (1:12:46p): 2)computers maddmartin74 (1:12:53p): 3)music maddmartin74 (1:13:02p): this is the correct order of the list maddmartin74 (1:13:04p): UNLESS maddmartin74 (1:13:22p): 3)music = Pink Floyd, then it moves to 1) and pushes everything else down maddmartin74 (1:14:51p): so there are two lists maddmartin74 (1:14:59p): it just depends on which one you refer to maddmartin74 (1:15:28p): and the reason 0)drugs is there simply encompasses some people I met thru shmoking sewdork (1:15:28p): *sigh* sewdork (1:18:28p): (that is a good sigh) maddmartin74 (1:18:35p): ok sewdork (1:21:04p): I have the new aim on my laptop sewdork (1:21:27p): new aim = 5.0 or whatever it is maddmartin74 (1:22:02p): 5.2.3139 actually sewdork (1:22:07p): yeah that sewdork (1:22:14p): no sewdork (1:22:20p): mine is only sewdork (1:22:26p): 5.1.3036 maddmartin74 (1:22:52p): oh... well... then I guess you have a newer sewdork (1:22:58p): no dude sewdork (1:23:02p): yours would be news sewdork (1:23:05p): newer sewdork (1:23:08p): yours is 5.2 sewdork (1:23:11p): mine is 5.1 maddmartin74 (1:23:13p): actually, mine is "newest" maddmartin74 (1:23:20p): yours is newer since it is a big change to YOU sewdork (1:23:33p): oh! sewdork (1:23:34p): yeah sewdork (1:23:38p): its not going to last long maddmartin74 (1:23:48p): why is that? sewdork (1:23:55p): I just dont' liek it sewdork (1:23:59p): umm lik eon the other sewdork (1:24:08p): you can use the tabby thing to edit you list sewdork (1:24:12p): here you have to do setup sewdork (1:24:18p): i just dont' like its harder to do sewdork (1:24:23p): and the whoel ya know change thing maddmartin74 (1:24:32p): um maddmartin74 (1:24:34p): no? maddmartin74 (1:24:51p): all you do is click on SETUP on the bottom sewdork (1:24:52p): umm I dont' like a lot of change, esp when it is something that has been teh same for the past three/four yeras sewdork (1:24:54p): I know maddmartin74 (1:24:54p): straight to the buddy list sewdork (1:24:55p): before sewdork (1:24:59p): it wasn't like that sewdork (1:25:07p): you clicked the other tab thing, and took you there maddmartin74 (1:25:23p): i do not follow... what is hard about clicking on the setup button? maddmartin74 (1:25:28p): it is a button as opposed to a tab? sewdork (1:25:30p): nothing is hard sewdork (1:25:30p): but maddmartin74 (1:25:33p): are tabs easier to click or something?? sewdork (1:25:35p): I liked the toher way bettter maddmartin74 (1:25:40p): sewdork (1:24:18p): i just dont' like its harder to do sewdork (1:25:47p): it didn't give you a new window on the other one sewdork (1:25:54p): all int eh same place maddmartin74 (1:26:42p): welll i do not know about you, but I LIKE that since I can see people as to who is or is not on while messing with adding/removing my list sewdork (1:26:53p): true sewdork (1:26:56p): good point sewdork (1:27:49p): there ar ejust certain things that I don't like when the change, esp something that has been a constant for quite a while maddmartin74 (1:29:04p): yeah, well, write the company sewdork (1:29:14p): send me a message maddmartin74 (1:29:40p): send you a message to where, sewcute? maddmartin74 (1:29:43p): she is sitting idle sewdork (1:29:43p): bugger sewdork (1:29:44p): no sewdork (1:29:54p): shoot, I just deleted aims and that is whereI get my sounds for yahhoo sewdork (1:31:44p): sewcute is sitting idle because I am on my bed talking to you maddmartin74 (1:32:03p): is she your desktop? sewdork (1:32:07p): yes sewdork (1:32:37p): not a lot of people know about sewdork maddmartin74 (1:32:57p): i meant on AIM sewdork (1:33:00p): oh sewdork (1:33:22p): yeah tha tis my compuer sn. ..my laptop/computer lab sn is flocon violet sewdork (1:34:03p): hey dude. . .thank you maddmartin74 (1:34:13p): for what? sewdork (1:35:35p): this maddmartin74 (1:35:43p): define this sewdork (1:35:50p): this chat maddmartin74 (1:36:27p): that... slightly concerns me, that I am being thanked for something I wish to natually do... this is a case of me being around and avalible and YOU being the one doing some talking sewdork (1:36:49p): ah no, I am thanking you, because we haven't talked like this in a while maddmartin74 (1:36:58p): i realize that maddmartin74 (1:37:03p): it has been one of my concerns sewdork (1:37:10p): ditto maddmartin74 (1:37:42p): im still beyond slightly concerned on the direction of our relationship sewdork (1:38:14p): and if I remember correctly you said last night you didn't think there was a way to fix it? maddmartin74 (1:38:36p): well, most things I say are a paradox maddmartin74 (1:38:43p): i believe that anything in life is possible maddmartin74 (1:38:56p): and I state there is no apparent way to fix it maddmartin74 (1:39:19p): i guess with all the damage I have seen, and taking into account that it is not just my mind we are dealing with sewdork (1:39:39p): so what are you suggesting? that we break up? maddmartin74 (1:39:53p): i am not sure what I am suggesting maddmartin74 (1:40:02p): i am bring up something observed on my part sewdork (1:40:33p): explain you last sentance please maddmartin74 (1:40:45p): i shall show it as an analogy maddmartin74 (1:41:12p): i had a good dose of sci-fi yesterday, so I will use the setting of Star Trek sewdork (1:41:32p): with captain jean luc picard? maddmartin74 (1:41:38p): I am the engineer... the outter me we all come to know... the part that interacts with you maddmartin74 (1:41:47p): actually, yeah, since I saw X2 last night, let's go that route sewdork (1:41:52p): well sewdork (1:41:56p): since thats the only one I really know maddmartin74 (1:42:04p): my subconsious is Jean Luc maddmartin74 (1:42:12p): we were just attacked by unknown forces maddmartin74 (1:42:18p): we have taken damage maddmartin74 (1:42:27p): Jean Luc asks, "Damage report" maddmartin74 (1:42:42p): Madd says, "Well cap'in, I see damage on the following systems" maddmartin74 (1:42:47p): that is an observation maddmartin74 (1:42:56p): I tell Jean Luc where I see damage sewdork (1:43:10p): what about fixing the damage? sewdork (1:43:45p): I mean jean luc cares dearly for his ship sewdork (1:43:48p): and doesn't want to see it harmed maddmartin74 (1:44:08p): Madd says to Jean Luc who asks what needs to be done to fix the damage, "Well, cap, I am in enginerring and the damage done is with another part... you are going to have to consult someone else or get someone else to talk to me to determine the best course for action" sewdork (1:45:05p): so how does consulting someone else have to do with our relationship sewdork (1:45:06p): ? maddmartin74 (1:45:36p): let me put it this way... when I read your post, I thought at that moment you had talked to Jess and Gretchen about it, but not me... and when I confrimed it last waking night... I was extremely hurt sewdork (1:46:14p): the only reason I talked to JEss about it sewdork (1:46:23p): was because she called me, and said, what is up? maddmartin74 (1:46:30p): is because you talk to her about everything, and you two talk all the time sewdork (1:46:35p): no maddmartin74 (1:46:37p): but that is besides the point sewdork (1:46:39p): I had not planned on telling jess maddmartin74 (1:46:44p): that is not address my emotion behind what I feel sewdork (1:48:10p): I am sorry that hurt you. . .i told Jess because she dragged it out of me, and i told Gretchen, because she happened to be there when I was done with class, maddmartin74 (1:49:36p): i do not want to be working hard 50 hour weeks enhancing our way of life to be the last person to find out important information that effects your mood of thinking as a last in the list just because I am not around maddmartin74 (1:49:43p): that is not how I wish to spend the rest of my days sewdork (1:50:21p): what I emant to say, is that I wasn't goign to tell anyone. . .but Gretchen happened to be there and I just needed to get it out, and I already explained to you, I had to work that evening maddmartin74 (1:50:43p): right, you were effected by something and you were not going to tell anyone sewdork (1:51:05p): right sewdork (1:51:30p): well no humans maddmartin74 (1:52:47p): i stated at some point before computer issues about a significant other not necessarily being able to fix a problem but at least being there to help maddmartin74 (1:53:03p): that, melissa, what I just described, to me, in my world, is intamecy sewdork (1:54:01p): now can I explain something to you, I am not used to having a s.o to tell things like that, yeah I have Jess, but there are quite a few things I haven't told her. . .I am used to keeping it between me and God, and I had been working on telling you first, but then when our contact diminished I went back to the way things were before maddmartin74 (1:55:00p): this is going to be cynical of me maddmartin74 (1:55:10p): but I am going to use your own words against you from this chat alone maddmartin74 (1:58:21p): "sewdork (12:28:05p): ok yes I remember you saying you were not a phone person, but then when we first meet and you call me everyday, and we talk for long amounts of time, then your ACTIONS are speaking much louder than your WORDS, so I hear you say you aren't a phone person, yet you call me quite a bit" maddmartin74 (1:58:38p): your actions had you telling me tons of stuff you were claiming were not going through Jess or anyone else maddmartin74 (1:58:47p): and then... it stopped maddmartin74 (1:59:17p): so your explain goes against your actions sewdork (2:00:13p): I am a little confused, you are saying that my actions were that I was telling you stuff, that I wasn't telling other humans? and then it stopped? and how does my explaination go against my actions sewdork (2:00:14p): ? maddmartin74 (2:00:46p): well, I take into this much "sewdork (1:54:01p): now can I explain something to you, I am not used to having a s.o to tell things like that, yeah I have Jess, but there are quite a few things I haven't told her. . .I am used to keeping it between me and God, and I had been working on telling you first" maddmartin74 (2:00:50p): since after that, there is a but maddmartin74 (2:01:14p): what is after the but would be viable in my mind, if the diminish you spoke of was 100% an issue because of me sewdork (2:02:44p): it is not because of you. . .it is me, I will take full responsibility for that, it was just me going back to my old habits maddmartin74 (2:05:27p): instictual drift... a trait where you "learn" an animal a behavior, like a cow to sit, and it instinctively goes back to what is more natural sewdork (2:06:50p): yes. . .which is something I will hav eto work on if this relationship is going to continue maddmartin74 (2:07:21p): well see that brings in a situation maddmartin74 (2:07:31p): you are working really hard to change an aspect of your behavior maddmartin74 (2:07:48p): changing other people is against one of my basic principles sewdork (2:07:57p): an aspect that would have to change whether I was dating you or dating someone else sewdork (2:08:07p): esp if any relationship is going to wrok sewdork (2:08:49p): well at least that is how I feel about it maddmartin74 (2:09:18p): but look at your excuse for being able to revert back maddmartin74 (2:09:25p): ive seen this behavior before sewdork (2:10:04p): before in me? maddmartin74 (2:10:15p): in others sewdork (2:10:24p): and then what does it have to do with me? maddmartin74 (2:10:57p): well I am single maddmartin74 (2:11:01p): then I meet you maddmartin74 (2:11:14p): meaning at some point, about 8 times, I was not single maddmartin74 (2:11:28p): I see where these other relationships went sewdork (2:12:01p): yes. . . maddmartin74 (2:12:19p): i broke up for a reason with these women maddmartin74 (2:12:28p): the relaiotnship ended for a reason maddmartin74 (2:12:40p): that vital communication link that I desire maddmartin74 (2:13:16p): you say diminished contact... what is to not stop that from happening again? sewdork (2:13:52p): well there is nothing to say it couldn't happen again. . .but now knowing what I do, as far as ims and leaving you messages stating a "deadline" or that i would like to talk to you sewdork (2:14:43p): but maybe me knowing that now is too late maddmartin74 (2:14:55p): {sigh} maddmartin74 (2:14:59p): im not sure maddmartin74 (2:15:12p): your trip to france gains closer grounds sewdork (2:15:30p): yeah I know sewdork (2:16:55p): whatever happens, it is going to take more than you breaking up with me to get rid of me as your friend maddmartin74 (2:17:04p): hahaha maddmartin74 (2:17:11p): well first off, I have no broken up with you sewdork (2:17:18p): I know sewdork (2:17:21p): I am just statinga fact maddmartin74 (2:17:21p): second off... I do not shake as easily maddmartin74 (2:17:25p): well good maddmartin74 (2:17:41p): because even the times I questioned our relationship to that point, never did so our friendship maddmartin74 (2:19:13p): i like to heal and teach maddmartin74 (2:19:32p): i have always wanted to teach, but realized at some point in my existance that teaching was not going to support my liststyle sewdork (2:20:18p): yes. . . maddmartin74 (2:20:42p): i have this strange thing... where I just love to listen to people ramble, especially if it is about their own issues or problems sewdork (2:21:43p): well I guess that is something I should remember, because I don't like/feel selfish/boring? when i ramble maddmartin74 (2:22:39p): "I don't like/feel selfish/boring?" translate sewdork (2:22:50p): I dunno how else to say it sewdork (2:22:57p): that is why I used those three words maddmartin74 (2:23:07p): okay maddmartin74 (2:23:10p): this is what I see maddmartin74 (2:23:21p): "I don't {blank} when I ramble" maddmartin74 (2:23:26p): you dont what? sewdork (2:23:31p): like maddmartin74 (2:23:37p): "I dont like when I ramble" maddmartin74 (2:23:46p): "I don't feel when I ramble" maddmartin74 (2:23:55p): "I dont selfish when I ramble" sewdork (2:23:55p): I feel selfish when I ramble sewdork (2:24:01p): and I feel boring when I ramble maddmartin74 (2:26:29p): and many numourous times I have talked about that and addressed those issues sewdork (2:27:03p): yes you have, but I have not liked rambling longer than I have known you maddmartin74 (2:27:15p): ah huh sewdork (2:27:17p): and there are times when we talk and I ramble I get no response maddmartin74 (2:27:27p): and to that i could say you would be able to use that excuse many times down the road maddmartin74 (2:27:29p): or maddmartin74 (2:27:36p): that it just goes to show how much you do not know me sewdork (2:27:57p): explain maddmartin74 (2:28:59p): someone who would truly know me would be the opposite maddmartin74 (2:29:12p): someone who knew me of course would have been around me for some time sewdork (2:29:28p): well as you have stated yourself, you are changing. . .and so I have to "relearn" you maddmartin74 (2:29:41p): please maddmartin74 (2:29:54p): since when has me wanting to listen to rambling changed? maddmartin74 (2:29:57p): when? sewdork (2:30:27p): I do not know. . .I am still trying to take in all the new changes. . . maddmartin74 (2:31:06p): in taking in the new changes of my personality, what makes you erase ones that have shown NO signs of being altered? sewdork (2:31:26p): not necessarily erase maddmartin74 (2:31:35p): or alter maddmartin74 (2:31:38p): or change even a slight bit maddmartin74 (2:31:55p): that would be like saying, "well madd, now I question if you are going to be 100% honest since you have all these changes" sewdork (2:31:55p): well I dunno if I would say alter, but sorta go back to a blank slate. . .because you have stated yourself many changes have happened sewdork (2:32:22p): well that is to me a fundamental truth about Madd maddmartin74 (2:32:52p): then once again your knowledge of me is shown to be little maddmartin74 (2:33:03p): think back to what I said I do for all of you humans maddmartin74 (2:33:08p): all this communication and the like maddmartin74 (2:33:24p): all these hundreds and close to thousands of dollars that I put out for all of you maddmartin74 (2:33:37p): what do I encourage those to do? maddmartin74 (2:33:47p): page me, call me, leave me messages... what does that consitute? maddmartin74 (2:33:49p): rambling maddmartin74 (2:34:00p): mindless zombie state rambling in some instances sewdork (2:34:01p): hmm I guess I never thought of it that way maddmartin74 (2:38:25p): well now you have sewdork (2:42:43p): yes I have. . .and I am sorry that I have forgotten about rambling. . . maddmartin74 (2:43:08p): apology accepted sewdork (2:44:33p): ok this really doesnt' hav ea lot ot do with our present convo sewdork (2:44:34p): but maddmartin74 (2:44:39p): that is fine sewdork (2:44:49p): hy-vee is havin ga sale on your chunky soup sewdork (2:44:56p): 4/$3
sewdork (2:45:02p): and I didnt know if maybe you wanted some more
maddmartin74 (2:45:13p): that would be nice
sewdork (2:45:34p): I was going to pick some up for you yesterday when I was shopping, but I wasn't sure how many more you had left
maddmartin74 (2:46:19p): they have a shelf life of like... 2 or so years
sewdork (2:46:23p): oh!
sewdork (2:46:24p): ok
sewdork (2:46:27p): I didn't know that
sewdork (2:46:31p): I will pick you up some then
sewdork (2:50:10p): was there anything else we needed to talk about before you leave
sewdork (2:50:11p): ?
sewdork (2:50:14p): well not leave
sewdork (2:50:17p): but leave talking to me
maddmartin74 (2:50:32p): it implies i am leaving just you
sewdork (2:50:42p): leave talkin gto everyone
sewdork (2:50:57p): I was talking in reference
sewdork (2:51:02p): to our conversation
maddmartin74 (2:52:40p): you tell me, is in regards to the conversation
sewdork (2:52:56p): I meant my leave talking to me
sewdork (2:53:25p): I am working on writing telling you
sewdork (2:53:30p): but I am having problems with teh words
maddmartin74 (2:54:06p): unless... you do not mind the whole thing being posted
sewdork (2:54:23p): go ahead post it all
maddmartin74 (2:54:55p): i made a lot of points that people do not udnerstand me, and if they wish to, then here is their chance to better understand since so much juice is flowing through my brain
sewdork (2:55:03p): oh ic
sewdork (2:55:17p): well I am a little bothered by the fact you state you are not sure if there is any way to fix what is wrong with the communication in our relationship. . .I guess I feel that there has to be a way to fix it to keep our relationship
sewdork (2:55:31p): I am not sure she reads lj anymore
maddmartin74 (2:55:33p): remember my higher belief
maddmartin74 (2:55:38p): anything in life is possible
sewdork (2:55:40p): yes
sewdork (2:55:46p): but you said you didn't think there was a way to fix it
sewdork (2:57:16p): maddmartin74: i believe that anything in life is possible
maddmartin74: and I state there is no apparent way to fix it"
maddmartin74 (2:57:26p): you are catching on
sewdork (2:57:28p): but
sewdork (2:57:39p): fine
sewdork (2:57:41p): no but
maddmartin74 (2:57:56p): that is what is to be focused on
sewdork (2:58:09p): if there is no way to fix it, then what is the point of continuing, esp since communication is so important to you?
maddmartin74 (2:58:22p): because Melissa... do you see me flying around without a plane or seeing Pink Floyd in person and even having them sing a song about me?
maddmartin74 (2:58:25p): at this point, you do not
sewdork (2:59:12p): no I do not
maddmartin74 (2:59:52p): the higher belief states it IS possible
maddmartin74 (3:00:22p): i heard a beep, later
sewdork (3:00:30p): later

***\end chat Sewcute/***

**/start chat Gretl AKA Best Friend\**

(continued on next post due to LJ length limitations)
• Current Music
Metriod music plays in my head followed with BG2

So Why Don't the Humans Understand? (cont)

The reasoning behind this post makes more sense if done so reading the first part.

gretl88 (1:38:45p): My definition?
gretl88 (1:38:46p): Hm
gretl88 (1:39:06p): I will have to think for a couple of minutes.
gretl88 (1:42:04p): A best friend:
gretl88 (1:42:23p): is happy for me when I'm happy
gretl88 (1:42:35p): listens when I need to vent
gretl88 (1:42:58p): tells me when I'm wrong, or being stupid, without being judgemental.
gretl88 (1:43:22p): Will drop everything if I need the presence of a friend
gretl88 (1:44:57p): does what needs to be done to communicate effectively with me (basic things), and realizes that while communication with me is more difficult in some ways and in some situations, that just means communication has to be adapted... because my best friend doesn't want to leave me feeling left out in any way.
gretl88 (1:45:22p): my best friend forgives me for making mistakes, and knows that the mistakes I make are not deliberately made
gretl88 (1:45:58p): my best friend is willing to tell me when something I've done has created an issue... and is willing to listen to my viewpoint on things.
gretl88 (1:46:32p): my best friend makes every attempt to understand where I am coming from and why I do the things I do, the way I do them.
gretl88 (1:47:03p): My best friend appreciates the things I do to show my love and appreciation for my friends and doesn't take those things for granted, rather does things to show them back.
gretl88 (1:49:10p): my best friend understands, without being told, that being my best friend means automatic elevation in status... but doesn't mean that other people aren't important. And understands that sometimes other people's requirements take precedence... but that does not mean that my regard for my best friend is less.
gretl88 (1:50:35p): My best friend is willing to tell me things that I might not want to hear... gently, with love and affection. And willing to take the same from me, in the manner it's intended.
gretl88 (1:50:40p): I believe that's a pretty good start, looking at the best friends I've had in the past and present, what made them my best friends.
maddmartin74 (1:51:01p): definetly more than I got from Myles when asked the same question
gretl88 (1:51:22p): You expected to get more from me than from Myles? :)
gretl88 (1:51:49p): For some reason that makes me laugh.
gretl88 (1:51:51p): AH
gretl88 (1:51:58p): VERY important...
gretl88 (1:53:06p): Laughter. I can and do laugh with my best friend, about many, many things. Even myself, or us, or our friendship. Laughter. A critical component. And I think that because it's such a running theme I didn't think to point out... honesty, of course.
gretl88 (2:02:22p): I was just waiting for THAT question. :)
gretl88 (2:02:26p): *sigh*
gretl88 (2:02:38p): I have been asking myself the same thing of late.
gretl88 (2:03:32p): Sometimes I wonder, in the midst of all the Maddian changes that have taken place, how much is going to stick. Does that make any sense?
maddmartin74 (2:04:03p): a lot makes more sense to me with the conversation I have been having with melissa
maddmartin74 (2:04:10p): in fact, it is all coming to play
gretl88 (2:04:24p): What is?
gretl88 (2:04:39p): Such as?
gretl88 (2:04:56p): Ah
gretl88 (2:05:23p): Well, not that I'm mystified or anything, but I'm mystified. :)
maddmartin74 (2:05:56p): coming around the period of Jan 6th, I started a detailed warning that certain things about me were going to change
maddmartin74 (2:06:18p): this was due to past experiences, and also my realization, I was goin on year ten of school that should have already been over with
maddmartin74 (2:06:40p): while the warning did alert and prepare many for the change, mainly you and melissa
maddmartin74 (2:07:05p): interactions and feelings dictated a definate non-understanding of what that warning was truly for
gretl88 (2:07:47p): And what was the warning truly for?
maddmartin74 (2:08:01p): i gave the warning
gretl88 (2:08:25p): However you are saying that it wasn't understood...
maddmartin74 (2:08:48p): meaning I am not sure if at this time I can convey with you or anyone else its true meaning
maddmartin74 (2:08:56p): i was talking to Myles last night, driving away from X2
gretl88 (2:09:24p): and?
maddmartin74 (2:09:33p): im getting on with it
maddmartin74 (2:09:40p): please do not rush me, it will all come out
gretl88 (2:09:41p): ok
maddmartin74 (2:10:11p): after a bit of thought, he resonds "Pink Floyd"
maddmartin74 (2:10:38p): so then he gives it a bit more thought and says, "because I understand you"
maddmartin74 (2:10:48p): this was as we were at the A&E cows
maddmartin74 (2:12:03p): it was something the lines of my ever ongoing search for someone who can understand me, and that if he did truly understand me, then he had done something no other human can do
maddmartin74 (2:13:27p): so then once again my mind went into over drive
maddmartin74 (2:13:32p): um... you can say things...
maddmartin74 (2:13:41p): i just did not want you to rush me 8-}
gretl88 (2:13:47p): Ok, I just don't want to interrupt your thought process
maddmartin74 (2:14:00p): no, talking does not interrupt
maddmartin74 (2:14:49p): that has a more direct line of such...
gretl88 (2:15:02p): Ok, gotcha.
gretl88 (2:15:21p): How was it that Myles understood you, was that talked about?
maddmartin74 (2:15:39p): the way I saw it, as much as I know about Myles...
maddmartin74 (2:15:48p): ... Myles sees the fact *I* listen and understand him
maddmartin74 (2:16:02p): not oddly enough, males are much easier to understand than females
maddmartin74 (2:16:06p): as a general rule, of course
maddmartin74 (2:16:43p): I *know* when something bothers Myles as much as I know "oh, that is a Floyd song" if one were to play on the radio
maddmartin74 (2:16:56p): he has his {sigh} he does... and a certain tone that is beyond predictable for madd
gretl88 (2:17:10p): Yes, I understand those kinds of cues.
gretl88 (2:17:48p): I have been thinking of late about understanding of other people.
maddmartin74 (2:17:56p): well, I some times can do simplar to Myles
maddmartin74 (2:18:17p): but like the time you were over for a small bit and left, something had gone on that I just really totally wanted my best friend there, and when I called him, well...
maddmartin74 (2:18:34p): ... he was not able to break the chain to visit me, even if I was going to eat and he was not
gretl88 (2:19:17p): So he wasn't able to be there, and I had already left.
maddmartin74 (2:20:10p): actually, it was a direct relationsh to you that I was requiring something, and you were already having plans with your friend, the reason I wanted you to come to GodFathers with me
gretl88 (2:20:55p): I still don't understand what happened that night.
maddmartin74 (2:21:23p): my questioning you as my best friend came to a new level last night
gretl88 (2:21:31p): I had plans and could not reach Robin to inform her of any change... you asked me to go to eat and I wasn't able to because of that.
gretl88 (2:21:34p): last night?
maddmartin74 (2:21:48p): oh, you mean that night as in back then
maddmartin74 (2:21:51p): i would have to check
maddmartin74 (2:22:10p): is what I am responding to
maddmartin74 (2:22:57p): it was going on regards to my thoughts about Myles
gretl88 (2:23:36p): Ok, just so I am sure, we are talking about the night that I was over... you asked if I wanted to go out for dinner and I had, when I arrived, told you my time was limited because of plans with Robin... so I could not go with you... and for some reason (this is what I am not understanding) this really upset you and you wanted Myles to be there, but he was not able to do that. Am I on track so far?
maddmartin74 (2:24:19p): something ELSE was bothering me
maddmartin74 (2:24:31p): the fact I could not talk to you about it was why Myles came into play
maddmartin74 (2:24:39p): and this was brought up because Myles says he understands me
gretl88 (2:24:43p): I get it now.
gretl88 (2:25:55p): And Myles did not come over, so you felt... what?
maddmartin74 (2:26:42p): my best friend was not living up to his word
maddmartin74 (2:27:04p): my best friend was not living up to the definition of best friend
gretl88 (2:27:18p): Ok.
maddmartin74 (2:28:07p): (jumping hard core subject wise)
maddmartin74 (2:28:26p): I think to my psychology course that talks about egodefense mechs, and specifically, one called rationalization
maddmartin74 (2:28:33p): that is where you really want a job
maddmartin74 (2:28:40p): and work and prep for it
maddmartin74 (2:28:43p): all these cool things
maddmartin74 (2:29:27p): the person goes in for the job and is rejected
maddmartin74 (2:29:34p): "well... the hours were messed up any way"
gretl88 (2:29:54p): So, this statement: Madd: my questioning you as my best friend came to a new level last night - is this in regards to Myles or me?
gretl88 (2:30:13p): Ok
gretl88 (2:30:24p): What's the reason for the jumping of subjects?
maddmartin74 (2:30:43p): i think what i have seen most is that your love for me has switched from an unconditional to a more conditioned
maddmartin74 (2:31:18p): the subject change opints to something else
maddmartin74 (2:31:29p): as I have less than 30 minutes, I am attempting to give out as much info as possible
gretl88 (2:31:41p): "more conditioned"
gretl88 (2:31:48p): ok
maddmartin74 (2:32:11p): not a total conditioned
gretl88 (2:32:23p): ok, that was my next question.
maddmartin74 (2:32:32p): all of a sudden this most perfect job has all these flaws and what have you
gretl88 (2:32:42p): yes
gretl88 (2:34:02p): I am with you thus far. And seeing how this could be applied to people...
maddmartin74 (2:34:32p): she has these similar likes
maddmartin74 (2:34:35p): and all this other stuff
gretl88 (2:35:08p): and then Jill rejects Jack, and all of a sudden he sees all the flaws. The faults.
maddmartin74 (2:35:22p): so you even know where I was going, good
maddmartin74 (2:35:36p): I mentioned something a while back in an email to you about questioning you being a best friend
maddmartin74 (2:35:45p): and I see... {checking}
maddmartin74 (2:37:23p): sorry, let me restate that
maddmartin74 (2:37:35p): gretl88 (2:02:38p): I have been asking myself the same thing of late.
maddmartin74 (2:37:49p): the fact I have brought up the question before
maddmartin74 (2:38:02p): conditioned love I see that as
maddmartin74 (2:38:20p): since I question it, then it is also questioned
gretl88 (2:38:24p): Actually
gretl88 (2:38:32p): I did not question it when you did.
maddmartin74 (2:38:46p): not the moment no... that was then, this is now
gretl88 (2:38:47p): I have questioned that independently.
maddmartin74 (2:40:27p): wondering how much is going to stick
maddmartin74 (2:40:41p): that was your only response to my question, and a valid one at that
maddmartin74 (2:40:45p): what is going to stick?
maddmartin74 (2:41:21p): this is the error of the teacher
maddmartin74 (2:42:09p): no matter how good a student (Gretchen) someone is, if the teacher (Madd) is absoluely horrid, then if the sudent is new to the material (maddian concepts) then they are likely to fail in its understanding
maddmartin74 (2:42:58p): if the student brings in its own beliefs and does not take the ground work of what already is and what is being applied to change, then that is not due to the teacher
maddmartin74 (2:43:22p): let me ask you these things, since I just got done having this type of talk with Melissa
gretl88 (2:43:26p): I have to admit I'm going to have to read that a few times to make sure I understand it.
gretl88 (2:43:26p): ok
maddmartin74 (2:43:41p): she stated something similar, a defense almost, that how is she to know what is going to stay and what is leaving
maddmartin74 (2:43:49p): then it will make sense
gretl88 (2:43:49p): ok
maddmartin74 (2:44:13p): and stated that she felt the way she did due to my changes that i warn everyone about
maddmartin74 (2:44:33p): riddle me this... would you ever expect me to lie to anyone?
gretl88 (2:44:34p): no
maddmartin74 (2:45:03p): as I told her... you both have this notion that things are changing in me, and that brings to question things you know about me
maddmartin74 (2:45:19p): so this tells me something
maddmartin74 (2:45:29p): you both have learned that some things do NOT change
maddmartin74 (2:45:45p): with my experiences and understanding of you both
maddmartin74 (2:46:01p): I realize that my honesty is not the only thing set in stone without change
maddmartin74 (2:47:07p): so when I hear the fact that me being a best friend is in question due to "gretl88 (2:03:33p): Sometimes I wonder, in the midst of all the Maddian changes that have taken place, how much is going to stick. Does that make any sense?"
maddmartin74 (2:47:15p): then I wonder one of two things
maddmartin74 (2:47:30p): 1)what part of your definitions to me could possibly change in me
maddmartin74 (2:47:46p): 2)what parts of your defintion that define such were not listened
maddmartin74 (2:48:09p): C)what am I missing?
gretl88 (2:49:29p): Hm. I think that when I said that (and there was actually more to it, I believe the conversation kind of went on without me finishing my tangent) I meant... how much of the change that I have seen in our interaction, in our friendship, in you, is due to schedule change... soemthing that came into play hardcore last fall. Something that you drummed into my head was a HUGE reason for many of the changes that affected you and me and us.
maddmartin74 (2:50:14p): i see it as this
gretl88 (2:50:50p): Also I bring into consciousness some of the concepts you have brought up with school... how you have changed your belief on something from one week to the next, and in my wanting to understand and communicate wtih you, these potholes are there that I can fall into and not be able to climb out.
maddmartin74 (2:51:48p): if someone you claim is your best friend warns you ahead of time that some changes are going to happen, I would see by the definition of best friend the person be... more patient with him/her
gretl88 (2:51:49p): I wish to always believe as my friend, best or otherwise, you will give me your hand to help me out of those communication holes.
gretl88 (2:51:56p): Um.
maddmartin74 (2:52:01p): While I did see some patients with my changes with the both of you...
maddmartin74 (2:52:14p): ... to the level by definition of either girlfriend or best friend I did not see
maddmartin74 (2:52:29p): what Myles did with me was not even close to the definition of a best friend
maddmartin74 (2:52:54p): it is not the best comparison
gretl88 (2:52:52p): You know, you have actually never defined what YOUR definition of a best friend is.
maddmartin74 (2:53:10p): you are correct, expect one soon 8-}
gretl88 (2:53:13p): Excellent.
maddmartin74 (2:53:26p): i was working on some other definitions last night before my computer went beyond psycho on me
gretl88 (2:55:19p): I guess, and I don't know if this is going to be seen as being defensive or not... maybe it IS defensive, I don't know... I guess I feel I have been a lot more patient with you than you think I have. I KNOW I have been a lot more patient with your changes than I have ever been with any other person in my life, so perhaps it is a matter of degree. Perhaps I wasn't as patient as you expected... but I was more patient than *I* expected to be.
gretl88 (2:56:06p): And that, I think, is where all the "conditional" versus "more conditioned" stems from...
gretl88 (2:56:11p): er
maddmartin74 (2:56:19p): to that I applaud you... with your given history how you handled some things due to jealousy and the like, that is commendable
gretl88 (2:56:20p): UNCONDITIONAL versus more conditioned
maddmartin74 (2:56:46p): Oh I realized there would be some extra patience with me
maddmartin74 (2:57:01p): by definition of a best friend, true, I saw room for a lot more
gretl88 (2:56:58p): However, it would seem it wasn't enough. *sigh*
maddmartin74 (2:57:14p): if you were just a shmuck on the street
maddmartin74 (2:57:17p): or just another friend
gretl88 (2:58:00p): by my definition of a best friend, you would understand that because of other issues in my life (and believe me, they have been MANY in the past months) my ability to pour myself into you... was limited.
maddmartin74 (2:58:54p): i have taken many things into consideration
gretl88 (2:58:53p): I really, really feel that I have done the best job I could, with what I have been given, in being your friend. I know I have made mistakes, and I have worked to correct those mistakes and apologized for them. *sigh*
maddmartin74 (2:59:04p): this is the reason I was not going to send you that email that somehow made it to you
gretl88 (2:59:08p): ah
maddmartin74 (2:59:24p): since what I was starting to emotionally get into was something different than how I really wnt to convey myself
maddmartin74 (2:59:35p): it was a computer error I had last night when attempting to talk to Melissa...
maddmartin74 (2:59:39p): it was a very strange problem
maddmartin74 (3:00:14p): on that note, I am going to post Melissa's chat I had with her to JOHD and get on with my schedule]
maddmartin74 (3:00:18p): i heard a beep, later
gretl88 (3:00:21p): ok
gretl88 (3:00:38p): I love you, Maddness. later.
maddmartin74 (3:01:11p): actually, before I go, may I post this chat after hers?
gretl88 (3:01:16p): yes

All and All

(this was started Saturday into Sunday and due to computer problems and then the two chats with the ladies as defined ealier is being finished up now)

Filter: removes something from whatever passes through it; alters the frequency spectrum of signals passing through it

Filter: to take mental processes and scan through to determine which ones come through and which ones are kept at bay; a process used in communicating with humans to hold back many things otherwise said to to human interaction with blunt open forward truth.

JOHD... I am going to take you back, to a time, when insanity was truly our cup of tea. Many times, I hear humans talk about how crazy they THINK they are.  Even this human has done such things before... ah... but this is a time when insanity was truly shown, in a form... well... in a form rarely able to be reproduced.  You know, JOHD, insanity is when you decide to take all concept of thought... all processes of mentality, and decide to not filter it to humans.  Why?  Let us example the average, and even the above average human being.  Many humans I have studied, and in these studies, I find that each one has a point, to where they just are not able to accept the truth as seen by others.  To better explain this, JOHD, I would like to bring up the four panes of perception, a concept brought to my attention in one of my psychology classes, with no references, so, if I get a few mixed I do apologize old friend.

Open Pane

The open pane is just that, where the individual realizes the behavior and the outside world knows it as well. A classic example for thoses who know me, would be my love for Pink Floyd. I know, obviously, that I have a love for Pink Floyd. Any human, even many who do not even know me, also can realize this same thing. That is what makes it open, the fact all know of it.

Closed Pane

The closed pane is where the individual realizes the behavior and the outside world does not. For anyone who masturbates and would dare not tell a single sole in the world, then this is a case of closed pane. The individual wishes to not share the information, and the outside world is just not known of its existance, due to no sharing of such. The fact I masturbate, for example, is classified in the open pane since I know I do it, and many others know so as well. In fact a few ago at work I had fun with that bit of information, mwahaha!!

Hidden Pane

The hidden pane is information that is not known to the individual, but is known to the rest of the world, and many of you have encountered this before. Think of someone with really bad breath or body odor. Many humans would not want to offend the person, thus, never bring it to the human's attention, yet, anyone who walks by this human will notice the smell. The person, living with their own self and accustomed to any gradual changes, could be totally unaware of the situation. If it goes on long enough, and it is in the hidden pane deep enough, if someone brings it to their attention, they may deny it flat out. Their mind may never let them smell what others smell just because they have lived with it for so long and "no one else mentioned it". So the hidden pane has the information hidden to the individual and exposed to the world.

Unknown Pane

This is a case where neither the individual or the world is known to the situation at hand. Someone who goes out on a blind rage and murders a bunch of people may possibly have no clue as to the reason they did it. The rest of the world may have no clue either. Or, bring it closer to earth, someone who starts to cry in a room filled with strangers could have no clue what s/he is crying about, and the strangers would not even know where to begin as to establish reasoning. The unknown pane has both uknown to what is happening.

In summary with me, I strive for the top two. The bottom two deal with the subconscious getting a hold of the information and not releasing it to the rest. If the third one, hidden pane, were to be around, then I would enjoy much over if it was brought to my attention so I can place it to an open pane. The more I know about what makes me think and do what I do, the better chance I have to control its direction. Maybe every Sunday I stink since I do not shower and it turns out if I skip a shower I stink. Then I want to know of this, I want to be informed. Granted, I may not do anything about it and be happy with it. Since I do not care that I stink, and it is only one shower I miss, big deal. At least now I know.

So how does that relate?  Well... filtering is a case of a closed pane.  What makes Madd filter?  Once again I go back to a point of true insanity.  I state it as such since that is what it was, a time where I acted in a consious way that I was not able to proper stop.  I went through my three days not filtering a single thought, carried paper and pad, and almost every single human I came across was either leary to be around me, or thought I was putting on a "show".  How typical... if we do not understand it, let us file it away so easily and quickly.  I remember handing that project "Drain Bamaged" to my psychologist at the time (before I realized that me having a shrink was not possible due to his goals being money driven).  Ah yes... most excellent work.  At the time, I do remember my mind was driven by a female form, I do believe Panda, who I would not realize until later who she was.  I saw her as... someone who was totally caring of other people and always put other people before... hahaha, heck, this makes me laugh just realizing how 180 in my thinking I was.  Granted... back in the day, I gave people more credit than they deserved.  I have learned to go more from queues of personality than anything else.

Thus yet again we tie the tangets up to the start of the whole processes, and this note is, of course, for the humans.