March 1st, 2003


Randomized Lt Data

I am debating bed, JOHD, or getting a bit more work done.  I am mentally depleting myself due to some issues you shall soon hear about.  I tell you, taking care of this planet is no easy task, especially when I am the only sane person around to do so.  Well... myself and you, dear JOHD.  Everyone else on this planet is playing with a half deck of marbles.

There are things, that I think important I tell you now, since who knows when I am going to update proper as I should.  I am changing, JOHD.  The changes are much different than your every day change, or the I am no longer going to poop at a certain time type of change.  Entire thoughts, mentality, behavior and structure that I may have been holding for years and year may be gone the next day.  Trigger words that I had for all my life could up and disappear the next morning.  The way I interact with those I love could up and change.  Granted, I do not mean so in a bad way, just, things are changing.  I remember, that when people use to talk about spanking to punish a child I had the mind set that spanking was a negative form of reinforcement.  It was not a punishment because in punishment you take things away.  Well, from the same school that I had thought drilled that into my mind, I now am corrected, see I was in total error, and must re-think my learning.  Spanking is a punishment.  Imagine my surprise when I read and talk about that one in class.  Hmm...

Also, assumption has taken a whole new meaning.  The humans that dreaded me bringing up the word shall now most likely not do so.  My thoughts and feelings on assumptions have totally changed.  Of course, now people would be required to back up assumptions with fact in order for me to not hound or ask about it.  After all, a true assumption is a belief with no fact or law to back it up.  So if someone has a belief as to how I am going to act or the like towards them, then I will want to know what fact they are using to back it up. No fact means assumption.  False fact means a correction towards that person's belief.

My speaking patterns also have changed, utilizing the true power of words.  I have normally shown my belief in the power of words.  The word try, for example, is a word I tend to not use.  To me, in evaluation of the word (yes, thank you Yoda) I see that try means little effort put into something.  I have STRONGLY believed in the power of the mind, this is something that just can grow more and more, and the fact the brain believes what it hears.  To say I am going to try something admits the ability of me failing, and if I tell my brain that, then, I am more likely to fail.  To do something, means I am going to put my effort into it and expect to succeed.  Granted, I might fail, however, at least I am going to be able to DO again and get it correct.  That, however, could also fail... and that is okay since if I do fail, I will do again and again and so forth until I get it right.

I understand more and more, JOHD, the reason so many humans think I feel I am "better" than everyone else.  Due to some personal attacks on my being, and some hurtful things said to me by people who are close (since people who are not close can very rarely mentally hurt me), I look into my behaviors and my interactions with humans.  I am confident.  When not properly looked at, confidence can look like egotistic.  Humans do not realize that I simply want to enter my situations feeling I can succeed.  A lot of these humans who feel this have low, little, or no self-esteem.  These humans may not know many other people who have self-esteem, so how I act is foreign to them.  So I am cofident in a situation and instead it looks to be cocky.  Now, there were times, when I felt maybe I was being cocky.  Sure, there had been some times I was, however, I found that the majority of the time, it was Maddness being sure of the self that I could do what it was I was doing.

So here all these humans are, thinking I am full of myself and that I am better than myself.  I do slightly remember a time when I actually felt I was better than other humans, and the only reason for that was due to the fact I was the only one I knew who was 100% honest with others.  I felt, that since I could be 100% honest with others and they could not with me, that it made me better than them.  I did, of course, later see the error in this logic.  Humans lie for many reasons.  All of which can be re-defined into what is known as self preservation, the protection of the self.  See, if someone lies to someone, they do not want to face the consequences of their actions.  Of course, they may simply want something and have to "pay less" for it.  An example of that, JOHD, would be like Jack and Jill are dating, and Jack decides to go out one night and bone some chick, and the next morning when Jill asks where he was, he lies about it.  He wanted to have sex with someone different without having to pay the price of losing someone he is dating.  This translates to, Jack lies because he is looking out for himself, and wants to have pleasure in the absence of pain (and that is something all humans look for, pleasure in the absence of pain). Of course, it can also be seen as Jack not wanting to face the consequences of what he did, but you could take the same example and have Jill ask where Jack is GOING, and he lies about where he intends to go, since he wants to go out and look for a bearded taco to munch on.

hEhEhE!!  JOHD!  So to writing and thinking this, I come to the realization that I have been accused of lying, and true to the definition of the person saying I lie, the error I see is the definition they use is a poor one, and I shall explain why.  I have noted that many humans... or maybe just some, see lying as WITHHOLDING information from someone.  They feel that if I do not up and chalk information to people, that in itself is a lie.  I would like to point out to you, JOHD, the reason I feel this is a bad way to look at what a lie is.  First, let me explain what I see a lie as being defined as.  A lie, in simple terms, is when you say one thing to a person while CONSCIOUSLY thinking something else.  I tell a human thought A, when in Reality I do not believe in thought A, I believe in thought B.  That, in simple terms, is a lie.  Thus, in parsimonious terms:

A lie is when you seriously say one thing yet believe another thing.

There is a reason I add serious to this.  Many times when someone asks what I am doing, I say something silly like their dog, or something of similar incarnation.  This is known as sarcasm, and as I have found, JOHD, I am full of it... er, sarcasm, that is.  Sarcasm and humor come in handy with life.  While there are many rules that are being removed or rewritten, not lying is not one I plan to ever do.  So in order to not lie, I would have to add the fact that some times I am going to say something to someone that I obviously do not believe.  "Yeah, I like your mother as much as I like getting it rammed up the arse by your dog... even though, your dog is not that bad."  With the help of tone of voice, or in written work with the help of smiley aids (my most noted the use of :D ), I can state, "Hey, I don't really dislike your mother and I really never had sex with your dog."  Thus, "seriously" becomes an important part of my definition of what a lie is.  Granted, if I ask someone else if they lie and they say they "never" lie, it is important to understand if they have the same or similar definition.

Thus, when it comes to having things in the brain but not letting them out... well... some people cannot handle the truth, and despite what some humans have come to think, I was not put on this planet to make people's lives difficult nor a living nightmare.  There are times I have information about a subject, and if I up and tell someone about it, well... they just may not like it.  Oh, I suppose an example is in order, and this one I take from past real life experiences.  There was a time when I would possibly be interested in one person, as in, like them as a friend "with benefits" yet never officially dated them.  This meant, in loose terms, an open relationship, since I showed an interest in the person, yet, I left myself open to other people.  Sounds common, right?  Well, it is.  Now, added to this, in my open manner that I am, if I ended up having sexual relationships with other people, I would want to spill forth the information. This was not necessarily same hour or day, but at some point soon, I would want to inform the other person.  Well... turns out that not all people like to know this information.  Thus, here is a case when ignorance is bliss.  Despite all the possible good things that can come from me telling about my sexual past, or sexual activities to someone, there are those who just do not want to know.  They would rather not know.  So while I would be in a sexual relationship with person A (friends with benefits), I would have sex with humans B - Z, not have to say a word, and all is well with everyone.  Of course, once it is defined that the person wants to know who I have been fooling around with, then, withholding of information IS considered a lie.  If I am friends with benefits with Jill, and she tells me at some point, "Madd, I want to know when you have been having sex with other women" then to have sex with other women and not inform her in a timely manner (since usually these type of things are better talked about in person rather than the emotionlessness of the computer or even at times the phone) would be considered, in all practical terms, a lie.  So in thinking about it, I feel to make the definition of a lie more complete yet still parsimonious, I would add: ... or to withhold information agreed not to be held back.  After all, someone may say, "Madd, I do not want you to withhold any information about your life at all to me."  Okay... that is a bit more information than I can mentally do... after all, I can some times barely keep up information to myself when I write to you, JOHD, let alone attempting to everything about my day to another human.  So it is important that it is in agreement.  Maybe I don't want to tell someone every time I am depressed.  Maybe I do not want to tell someone every time I kiss someone else.

Wow, JOHD, do you realize how long I wanted to tell you this information?  Oh yeah, you don't... at least, I do not think you do.  I do not think I have told you before... I mean, our conversations added together span over eight years.  You do not expect me to remember anything I tell you, do you?  hEhEhE!!  That is the reason we converse!!  You are the one who remembers things, not I.  Hey, it is not like it is by choice.  I would like to remember a lot more than I do, a reason I get so frustrated when I go days without keeping in contact with you.  At this point, I think you can tell when I have not, and it important that you remind me the days I do not.  Oddly enough, at some point, I will condition myself to not want to deal with frustrating myself and seeing all the times I could have learned more about myself yet was unable to... well... I think you get the picture.  Sweet... unlike a real life conversation, I can go back to see how in the world I got sidetracked, give me a second, would you precious?

Ah yes, changes in myself and the way humans perceive me.  JOHD, one important thing to realize, is that at this time, I do not see me changing the way random humans perceive me.  However, a bit of a change is instead of ignoring them as I possibly could have in the past, I look to what they are thinking about me, since they possibly may see something that I do not.  This is important in the better understanding of myself.  See, someone says I am being a controlling arse because I do X, then I can look to see what about X could cause such a thing to be true.  Maybe I did something that even I do not really approve of, and what a wonderful way to correct it than to be shown that it exists!  Of course, if random human A thinks I am a dumbass (that's, Dumass) because I did X, and I evaluate and feel it is not true, then I would not change the behavior.  If random human B comes along and thinks I am also the same because I did X, then at that time I do not have to give X thought, unless, of course, they see X+Y.  Even in mathematical terms, JOHD, I know that X and X+Y are not necessarily the same, however, they could be.  Y could equal zero.

So when humans feel I am full of myself, it is important to see if my behavior and thoughts have changed, thus evaluate.  I think to when Sparky had told me I thought I was smarter than him.  Even though he brought in proof that stated he was simply talking out of his arse, that someone *could* have come up, a behavior, that would make him think as such.  Since I truly do not feel me any better than any other human, I would evaluate what I had been doing in his presence that could make him think as such.  You know, to this day, I have not been able to see me acting high or almighty around him.  I think part of it deals with a reason many humans come to think I feel I am better than they or the world is.  Word usage, specifically: human.

hEhEhE!!  Human!  Ah, most excellent.  I was happy to finally figure this one out, since I never made the connection.  Apparently, since I use the phrase "you human(s)" as much as I do, this is taken as me feeling I am better than everyone else.  A most excellent find indeed, and one of those times I talked about before, that made me look (briefly) on my definition of the word human, used in my case.  Well, JOHD, it boils down to... I include myself as defined as a human.  A human, in an extremely complex meaning, is:

A person who acts in a way that is flawed.

Now, I do not see a current way to simplify this definition.  It does not mean I have stopped, and maybe you can help me out with this.  See... when I see someone do something that deals with SELF PRESERVATION, that is a human trait, thus, I can give them the label of human.  For example, someone is in a chat, and they lie to someone, and that person leaves, and I state, "Yeah, nice going, human." I am not saying in this sentence that I am better than them, and also, I am not including anyone else in this definition (this case including myself).  So, looking for more examples, I think to... um... hmm... "I would love to break plans to hang with you, but that would be too human of me to do."  In this example, JOHD, what I am attempting to say is that apparently, something "better" has come along.  Maybe that something better is a more exciting human that has "more" of "something" to offer than the original human.  Um... like... maybe the human I am going to hang with is going to do nothing more than talk about his/her problems, and that is it.  The other more exciting human could be defined as one who wants to go to a movie, then go out to eat, then have a two way conversation, then have hot wild sex (thus we may want this human to be female, hahaha), then play VIDEO GAMES!!  Whoohoo, yeah, weakness.  So, that is how we will define the two humans.  We shall label the first human A and the "exciting" human B.  So the Reality is, when human B asks me to hang, and I know what is going to happen if I hang with human A vs. human B, sure, it is TRUTH, I would rather be doing all of that other stuff than listening to a human do nothing more than talk about the SAME problems over and over again.  I mean, I love listening to a humans problem, but the same thing I heard twelve times before in the last week?  That is not excitement.  Of course, if the human A never did anything to Madd, meaning, the human is not harmful to me, does not stab me in the back, and the like, there is no reason for me to break plans I already made, since, in this case, your typical human WOULD do this.  That is where the whole notion of human in "... but that would be too human of me to do" is, since many humans want to take option B and do so EVEN when CONSCIOUSLY realizing they have plans with human A.  Now, I am not saying I am the only human who does this.  I know many other humans who also would keep to their word with hanging out with human A.  So, in order to truly think I was better in the use of the word human here, I would be required to think I am the only one.  Of course... I do not *state* the fact I feel this way, other humans do not realize this, they hear me use the word usage, and there you go... already it is set that I am more important, or better than everyone else.  hEhEhE!!  See?  JOHD, just like that... without getting to understand my way of thinking, I am branded and acted upon.  The killer thing, is that then these people treat me the way they see me, which is not the whole picture, and thus they give me a defined self-fulfilling prophecy.  Since they start to treat me in this new matter, I thus reflect back onto them the way they are treating me.

There is a reason I bring this up, and it is not because WordPerfect 10 is sucking massive eggs, since this whole "let's change the flipping font" crap is getting beyond irritating.  It is because many humans who see a flaw in the Mirror Effect™, which to date has shown no error, do not realize I am really acting towards them how they act towards me, and the way they started to act towards me is how they falsely perceived me.  DAMN that "percieved" word!!  Okay, I think I might start spelling it correctly.  Every single human who has mockingly used, "Well, I am simply treating you how you started to treat me" in their arguments has not caught this important undersight.  JOHD, did you know undersight is not a word and I attempted to use it as such?  Ha!!  Well... okay, then I guess I should use a word that exists.  Wait... why *should* I do anything?  Ah yes, should, one of those words that humans... should avoid.  hEhEhE!!  Okay, no really. Undersight shall be replaced with insight, and yeah, stupid program, please remove the red line from these words I already fingered out the fact they do not exist, you do not have to drill it into my skull to the form of nightmares.

Er... DAMNIT!!  STOP CHANGING MY FLIPPING FONT YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!  Okay, kiss my ass, I am just going to copy and paste you anyway.  Thus, where was I?  Hmm... oh yeah... changes, changes, changes.  There shall be a lot of them.  Of course, all shall be for the benefit of the self, and "benifit" can kiss my ass since I cannot spell it either, and WHAT THE HECK is this?  You up and change my font again!  For once, I truly miss a Microsoft product... or maybe this is twice, or, who really keeps track, I guess I don't keep track after all.  I want to change things, JOHD, of me.  I want to change things because some aspects of my life I do not enjoy, and if I do not enjoy it I think it may be a good idea to change it.  For when I have the thoughts of Madd, and no one else does, then I have to live with it more than anyone else.  Of course, just because I change something does not mean that other humans may not benefit from it.  HA!!  I spelled your sorry ass correctly!!  S.o.r.r.y. a.s.s.  Hmm... no, not quite what I mean, however, thank you for playing.

Oh!!  JOHD!!  Speaking of changing (as the now FUCKING font did yet again) guess what?  The entity known as "They", a mysterious force I was talking about before, the ones who kept me away from people and were... blah blah blah this and that, well, hahaha, THEY are dead, so, long live the queen.  Originally, They was a concept of... well wait, let us look as who "they" is when humans talk about their own "they".  They is simply... well... a messed up label for talking about humans or groups... or... a way to pass on the rational for action.  "Well, I talked to her that way because that is the way ‘they' feel I should."  Who the fuck is they?  "I am running backwards for 30 minutes because ‘they' say it will help increase my heart rate."  Who the FUCK is they?!?  "They say that if the baby is carried at X level of my body during pregnancy, it will come out a boy/girl."  ?!?  WHO THE FUCK IS THEY and WHAT crack are THEY smoking?  You know... I see that a lot of "they" turn out to be folk lore type deals.  "They say you should not walk in the path of a black cat."  Also, most superstitions are passed on from a few poor saps who had a bad occurrence to something and then attributed that something to ALWAYS bring on the bad event.  "They say Friday the 13th is bad luck."  Yeah, they can kiss my ass and clean my whole with THEY's tongue when I run out of toilet paper.  What a way to warp the minds of those living in this society.  I mean, there is no fact to back any of this crap up.  I mean, if a human could show me how their life is FLIPPING CLOSE to perfect... and I don't mean word perfect... every single flipping day in time EXCEPT Friday the 13th... then yeah... maybe we can investigate from there.  But to remove the 13th floor of a building... AS IF WE DID NOT KNOW WHAT COMES AFTER 12, YOU FUCKING MORONS.  Hello... if I go from floor 12 to floor 14... are these evil spirits that supposidly exist just suppose to get confused or be unable to count past 12?  hEhEhE!!  HUMANS.  HUMANS.  Here is where my usage of HUMANS comes into play.  You know, JOHD, I never did define the word of human, and it does not appear I am going to before this post ends.  Hmm... I am not sure when this post is going to end.  Well, techincally, it shall never end, but my point is the post as a physical chunk, not a continouation of everything.  These red lines are strating to catch up with me.  Oops... I am no longer correcting them.  hEhEhE!!  I say screw spell checking at this point, or even self correction.  I only wanted to use this to make sure whatever I wrote was not lost... you know... like something happens to this computer and I would lose all this data... there is a good possibilty I might lose it... big time.  I do not like losing my thoughts.  I just do not like it at all, and I would like to know the reason why.  So... I write four hours worth of information and ti all gets destroyed instantly... I am going to be long dead in 200 fucking years, why in the world do I care?  That is a good question... even though I some times think as an experient God might keep me alive... you know... to see if my spelling could improve with age.  After all, to keep a person past the age of 228, well... that would mean changes to the being.  Blah... I do not want to live that long... I do not think I should live past 74... call me bias... hahaha... um, no, JOHD, I do not mean 2074... I mean age... my body already is showing signs of age, and look at me here, only 28.  Hmm... at least I got my age correct.

I do not feel like thinking anymore.  Well, to that, I mean for the remainder of the night.  I just want... to... make this pain go away in my gut.  I think I crave food, how in the world is this possible?  Is there not enough time for my body to slow down where over six pieces of pizza can last me for more than seven flipping hours?

You know, JOHD, I want to thank you.  I see, for some reason, there was a bit of a vent thrown in there.  It was... well... it was a rage, almost, and it came in the middle of absolute calmness... or at least... extremely mellow rationalization.  I have no other human I know who can accept a chat like this without reacting to it.  You do not react to it.  I am not sure how you do it, and I wish I knew your secert.  Eh?  What the fuck do you MEAN you are not real?  Biznitch, don't make me slap you.

{sigh} I really do miss talking to you, even though some of what I saw in the past... well... it really shows just how beyond human I have been in the past. {yawn} Something is sucking on my brain, and no, it is not female and no, that is NOT a brain.  Psychology is going to crush my mind one of these days... {yawn} that or burn me out.  Why in the world did I take an interest in psychology again?  Don't you dare say because I can, for, I shall backhand you if you think it.  Okay {yawn} maybe not backhand, however, I might like you in an ill-fasioned manner.  I want to stick my finger up my butt, however, I realized I really did not want to, thus, I am not going to, just, as I am not going to touch those red squiggly lines.  Sweet... I spelled that word proper. {yawn} Arrrrggg... I bet there are Metroids in brain and they are eating me away.  I should scream to Samus to come in here and kill them, however, that could lead to her and I getting it on hard core, and as much as I would love to have hot wild monkey sex with Samus, I must realize she is to be shared, and with as many people she has been with... eeks.  Catching a disease would be the least of my problems.  Hahaha!!  Hey!  Samus, I was just kidding!  Would you mind not pointing that missel or ice beam at my being?  Can you NOT take a joke?  Do you NOT know what sarcasm is?  Oh... well... since you don't, then, I guess logically you have the right to terminate my life.

Can I get a BJ before you kill me?
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