December 7th, 2002




Already this day has been a rollercoster.

I woke up... insane.  It was a good feeling.  I actually remembered my dream of RoboMadd... I was being attacked by baddies with tazers attempting to short me out... and it did not work... and I stopped nuke from making its way to destroy young minds.  I even got out of bed at a rather decent hour.

I got email, more yay for Madd, and I started to finish off email that had been slightly backed up.  Granted, I have email over a year old still to reply to, but better late than never.

Once again, a human up and says I am the one to start something when they are to bitter or proud to see what they really did.  I am even accused of assuming... something I am far too familiar with.  This event got me defensive.  As always, JOHD, when attacked, shields go up.  When shileds go up, you think it would allow me to tackle on bigger and more important issues, but...

Someone I care for dearly... has hit the marital stress point that is leading to a seperation.  Despite how good a day this started... despite having defenses brought on line... this shot went through it all, and slammed my system.  This was something I had hoped to never see.  Granted... I can understand the reason it has turned the way it has.  However... it bothers me.  Two people, love each other, and respect each other for the longest time.  So, one of them starts to change and it effects everyone.  However, there is distance.  To me, a little bit of distance is always good.  When I am away from Samus, I appriciate her more when she goes around and kicks some booty.  It gives me a good feeling.  If for some reason, I have been away from a Floyd song too long, and hear it again, I learn to appricate it more than anything.  When I have not seen someone I care for deeply, and have the chance to take them into my arms and hug them... I learn the appriciation.  So distance, at least a little, is something that I recommend for all humans, JOHD.  However... we have distance here... and it appears to be doing the opposite.  Maybe even... damgaging.  {sigh} For some reason it pains me to see people truly hurt.  Even working in phone repair, the petty people who have all these troubles effects me not, because they show their self centered "earth: population me" mentalities.  However, those one's who have been screwed over... by us... by weather... by whatever... they always reach me.  It is the reason I will never be able to keep up with my call taking stats.  There just is no way as long as I have this issue.  I call it an issue, because some times I want it to not be able to effect me.  Maybe it is greed... I do not want to feel sad for someone else's lose.  I do not want to feel sad for anything.  Everything is a matter of perspective.  As a quote I remember, "History, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder".  It is the reason a human can easily blame me for starting crap when I see it no where to be found.  It is the reason that our court system is as such... because everyone remembers their own side.

So here I am... a bit down... and only... no, that is a selfish comment I was about to say and I should be slapped (non-sexually) for it.  Hey!!  Ouch, you HIT me!  Oh, well, yeah, I guess I did ask for it.  {sigh}

Well... while I am attempting realization, I guess I should come to another conclution.  I see more and more the reason I tell myself I will be single for the rest of myself.  These happenings... they creep in my mind.  I associate all the failures of other people into "what if it was with me."  I realize how damn difficult I can be.  I don't feel I do women justice, because of the over analyzing and what have you.  I tax people's brain.  Like real life tax, no one likes it, but if there was no tax... look at all the things that would be effected.  No school, no cops, no... many things.  The wonderfil double edge sword.  I do not think I can ever come to the acceptance of really trusting a woman.  I think back, prior to the Evil One.  I think how much different I started to act towards women since that event.  How... I think I really do push women away, down inside, and do so because I expect every single one who would want to have me in would have to come breaking in and get by my defenses.  Then, I compare them to the Vic Vipor and I compare my defenses to Loop 2 mode of Gradius III.  Sure... someone could get through that thing... if they either made the program or if they are God.  However... I see the other thing I am doing with such strong barriers.  Protection... and not just of me.  The more one is viewed on a pedistal... the more one is seen as so wonderful... the more hurt that person could do, simply by not giving enough attention.  {sigh} I have women issues, JOHD.  Why can't you be real?  You would marry me.  You have seen me for ways that I am unable to see.  If any human, male or female, could live with me and put up with all the insanity I create in my own Reality, it would be you, old friend.

There are a lot of things that have happened in my life.  Many things have effected who I am today.  One thing I feel I should focus more attention on, is that I should truly practice what I preach, and I should think about dropping all... or at least most... defenses when a new Reality comes along.  However... there is a problem with this.  Many times I actually start, but then the Reality does that thing... that one thing that shows me, nothing more than any other human I have encountered, then the Mirror Effect™ takes over.  I use to think that the Mirror was or could be cracked.  I now see that it is indestructable.  Only God could break it.  It is the other things that conflict with it that give it the appearance of being cracked.  It is like taking a marker and drawing in cracks.

Well, JOHD, it worked.  I talked myself out of being sad.  Cool trick, eh?  I am no longer angry or defensive either towards the one who attacked me.  I just seem to have little or no emotion at this moment.  Another human, simply living his life, and enjoying it... but not being excited about it.  Wow, JOHD, birthday only 2 days away.  Amazing how those never use to be able to sneak up on me.  Ok, ok... it is time to attempt a new program.  Um... hey wait... I realized that I pooped this morning, before I slept!!  Yay!  The poop phenomonon is starting to catch on... kinda like my bug.  Tee-hee... {yawn} Oh dear where did that come from?  I am looking forward to work... again.

Humans cannot live without adding misery to their own life.

I cannot live without making a fart reference once a day, it seems.  hEhEhE!!  Ha!!  I even caught YOU off guard, how do you like me now, dork?  Oh you think you are pretty cool, with your ability to change emotion like that, but you cannot hide from me, toad.  I can hunt you down and sit on your face as you give me the moustache ride, mwahaha!!  Madd... you think you are sooooo cool, but I have your number, and it is 911... I'm going to give you a call, late at night.  hEhEhE!!  Now don't {yawn} attempt to stop me, and STOP that infernal yawning!  Toad.

I had a decent talk with God today... basically confirming with Him more flaws, and how "I'm only human" is nothing more than an excuse humans use to continue to act human.  I really do not want to be that way... I really do not want to be human.  I look at society... and think... wow I wanna get laid!  Oh yeah baby... hey wait a second... no I don't... oh yeah... that is where society has gone.  I don't want sex... I want an IOWA CHOP.  Mmmmmmm... {drool}.  Okay, for my birthday, I want CHOPS... IOWA CHOPS cooked, not stirred.  {yawn} Okay, bub, if you are going to make a habit of this all day I am going to force you to drop your pants... at work... and this time no underwear like last time.

I like cheese... I think.  I am hungry... I want food.  Woman, go get me some OUCH!!  Okay, okay... I take it back... weirdo...
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