November 23rd, 2002


How to Play

You know, I see why I have such a large fasination with humans so fast and then it tapers off.  I noticed that in almost all first start existances I encounter, I ask lots of questions.  I ask many of them.  Millions, maybe?  Okay, JOHD, maybe not millions, but a darn lot.  I realized I never get asked these questions.  Some times I do, but when I do, it is the same exact questions I asked.  That is like only telling someone that you are in love with them after they just told you.  Once again, I find yet a new Reality on-line.  {sigh} I have no idea where that came from, JOHD, I do not feel it was related to anything I am talking about or anyone I am talking to... but who knows, well, besides Him.  So, once again, my curiosity level rises.  It does so to great ammounts.  I ask questions, and many there are.  Some are related to each other, some are total different not related to anything.  JOHD... do you know of any time this has happened to Madd?  I think I realize one of the main reasons that I always ask new Realities so many questions.  It deals with the Mirror Effect™.  I want someone, some time, to just open up a can of questions.  Just... millions of them.  Flood them to me, over and over, and over and over.  Just non-stop until someone has to pee or pass out.  I must pee... ah, much better now.  What is behind being asked a few million questions?  Well, for those of my kind... you are required to start thinking of things that otherwise you may not.  I have discovered a lot about myself due to intense conversations I have had with humans.  I find more weaknesses in my personality that flaw me to a dirty level, and have a chance to fix or improve them, thus, improving my own life.  I think I get... dare I use the word, "bored" with humans after a while.  They stop sparking that flame deep inside of me.  It is not that I see them as boring me, but maybe, the lack of challenge.  They stop tossing my mind about.  This could also be a link to video games, now that we think about it.  Any new video game, challenges you.  It states, "I have an ending, come and get it."  So you play and play and play.  When you beat it... do you play again?  Not with so much intensity... usually not.  A few games, of course, take this into consideration.  They have multiple endings, or, allow you to carry things over from your game or what have you.  If they were to not have this feature, more humans would end up not playing.  JOHD, it has already been established that life is nothing more than a game.  It is a very long game, with many mini-games in it.  Each human we encounter is a mini-game.  A mini-game follows the same rules as a main game.  Challenge.  This could also explain why some of the odd behaviors are seen, and why people do things.  I already know a few reasons people argue with others, or at least, I feel I have acquired information as to what makes many argue.  While a few can stray from this model, I think of a normal conversation I have with a human compared to an argument I had with the same person.  I think of the feelings associated and what I remember.  I see that the challenge of the argument could have been started from my side or the other party.  Rubber... baby... buggy... bumpers.  When you argue with someone, you start to fuse into their brain you.  If there is attention on other things, this attention gets drawn and focuses into the person you are arguing with.  It is a good way to get attention.  Humans love attention.  They love it from the moment they associate, "when I cry, familiar figure comes to me."  From that point, they just learn other ways to manipulate, espcially when they find new ways to get more attention.  I know why the so called king of pop is hanging babies out of the window, and it is not to dry them.  The Burgan children... more and more, out of control, they never listen.  Each day, it gets worse, and it is not hearing loss.  The attention they want grows more and more each day, to a point they want to be screamed and yelled at and argue with everything that is said, and each other, and the inanimate objects.  When you have a fire, and it grows on a certain fuel, and you give the fire that fuel, it grows.  The Burgan children are the same in this sense.  People think they are punishing when in Reality they are giving negative rewards.  I continue to ask questions because I wish for attention to my mind.  I want this attention because... because... well, because I am human, and that is what humans want... attention, since birth.  Humans want attention at birth because they want things... mainly... attention.  That almost worked, but looped back.  Humans do want attention.  I want attention.  {sigh}  Almost had that thought down, JOHD, however, it is lost.

Capp does not occupy my mind as she use to.  It is almost back to the point it was, despite the fact I now have had chances to do things about it, yet, have declined.  Curiosity... it is curiosity that flooded her in my mind so much.  Curious, how a 15 year old, your first girlfriend, who had the mind of a 15 year old... how it has grown and curiosity as to what I felt she would become.  You know... curiosity got my virginity lost, and no matter how much I have attempted, I have never found it.  Curiosity... I am curious of death.  That makes me wonder if I some times do things... subconsiouly, in respect to death, meaning, foolish things.  Death is the only curiosity that can never seem to be satisfied.

I only get to do it once.  I have other curiosities... I have curiosities of God, and of course, some times those curiosities send my mind flying off to another realm.  Some times that happens when I am curious about death.  There may be a relationship... or, it may be a similarity.  No matter how much I know of God, or no matter how much I see or research death... I can never have that proof that I get with my other curiosities.  I was curious about sex.  I no longer am, I experienced it.  I experience God... however... I only experience Him from within.  So I guess the real thing is not about proof, but what kind.  Internal vs external.  Granted, I feel that God and myself have a great relationship.  However, I cannot tell when I may do something totally wrong in his eyes.  The Bible may be the Bible, however, it was written by humans.  Even if God's will did put divine force behind it, you look at all the Bibles and stack them towards each other, and find inconsistancies.  This goes to show that humans have tainted something so pure.  Thus I can read the Bible, but in my mind, I will always see it as a translation more than actual fact.  Humans are weak, they show it often in the eyes of the Lord.  I do not think it is fair to God.  Then again, what is fair to one who is beyond any possible conception of mortal?  A good question, add it to the list.

Something seems to be wrong.  I can sense that it is wrong, yet, it continues to happen.  At this point, I sense that whatever is wrong is being attacked, meaning, attempts are being made to right the wrong.  Whatever is wrong wishes to be that way.  An object in motion stays in motion and an object in rest stays at rest until acted upon by an unbalanced external force.

Bingo.  I figured it out.  Eternal vs interal proof.  It actually co-insides with Newton's 1st law.  I wonder if he did psychology on his spare time?  This is important information, because as we should know, JOHD... the laws of physics can be broken by 5th Dimentional Thinking™. This means that curiosity in the extremes of God and death can be subdo'ed.  You know, I do not even have a right to be curious of God.  Maybe in some respects I do, but when you compare my state of being compared to God's state of being, then I see why no one does.  So impure and little of thought... how can it come close to comprehending something so far beyond it?  How could a two dimentional creature ever encompass the abilities of a fourth dimentional being?  God extends many dimentions, possibly an infinite if there even is an infinate ammount.  Little old Madd has only made it up to five... many other humans enjoy living in four.

I was in the other room, JOHD... you know it because you know me better than they do.  JOHD... I remember the last time I lied... actually, not per say, but I have a target.  It was to a customer.  It means that I lied one time to a customer and I have worked at Qwest for three years.  I know that the first six months I was still stable with my job.  I know that at some point, I got a call from one of those customers.  It was one of those customers who should cease to exist.  People who are so self centered, selfish, and shallow that they do not deserve a phone, let alone talking to anyone about it.  For some reason, she was never going to get off my line because in repair I did not have an answer for her, or something like that, so I said something to her.  It was a lie.  I told her something I knew was not true.  I... failed.  The world I have built was destroyed that day by one human... possibly sent as a test, or may have just randomly sropped by {sigh}. I failed that day.  I lied.  Straight up.  Not repression or anything else.  It was someone I did not know, did not care about, and wanted nothing to do with.  However, in regards to people I actually know... I unfortunately do not have such an event locked into memory.  I know the human it was, however, it was father.  It would have been... some time between... 1993 and... er... 1996 or so.  Lied then locked it away to forget what the lie was.  Humans lie because they do not want to deal with things.  Humans lie because they do not want to fact the consequences of their actions.  Humans do not want to be seen as a bad being, so humans also lie to cover things up that may protect themselves.  This is where a lot of EGO defenses stem from, especially repression and denial.  JOHD, it is important that lady is the last human we ever lie to, ever.  Many times... humans beg to be lied to... they want to be lied to.  They know how something is, or how something will be answered, and they want... well... some of them want to be humored, okay, but others still want to be lied to.  These are the humans that are most dangerous to me.  For they always request, and out of kindness, you wish to lie to them because it is what they want, and we like being in the market for making others happy.  However... never comprimise.  In fact, the most important thing to remember is... is...

Hmm... Metroid is calling Maddness away from the computer... computer, who had a new human with curiosity, no longer has such... computer just has computer... Metroid has... curiosities to explore... and... muuuuuuuuuuusic...
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