November 9th, 2002


No way I can title this

Fuck emotions... fuck them all, and fuck being human. I ran into her... I just got home from the bar, and low and behold, who would I meet at Billy Joe's bar but the one who haunts my subconsious brain. Heather Healm. Capp. I touched her. I talked to her. As closing time came... she up and just left. No number, yet again. No anything. This is what I get for her being the first person I dated, the first person I kissed, the first person I fucked, the first person I went down on, the first person who went down on me... the person who stole my virginity from me. Fucking shit... I do not know what can save me. She up and was not there when I was done singing. She was up and gone, just like that. The reason I have issues with women... right there. I just... I am not sure what to think. This is unfair, JOHD... it is fucking UNFAIR. I just wanted to be near her. I just wanted... I am not sure... I just do not know. If anything, here is the reason I wish to not be human, the reason I wish to be able to bury emotion. I have never stopped thinking about her. They say you do not forget your first love. That fucking sucks. It bytes. Death is a much better alternative than going through the emotional pain I feel all over. EVEN 9 MINUTES AND 29 SECOND was not able to drown her out. I will never be able to stop thinking about her existance... and already, she is gone. I think no human should have this power over another. She does... I think she always will... and I am pissed that it is allowed to happen. Ok... tears... yeah... let them flow... show me how fucking weak I am. There is no power to my brain. I am as weak as all the other humans on this planet. Not even a power I call upon is able to help me... {sigh} or is it? Let madd start the original... and let us see where the brain goes...

{searching for 6 minutes and 24 seconds}

JOHD THE POWER!! Should I ever have sex with anything... including myself, during this powerful 6 min and 24 seconds... I ask that God take my life... instantly. It works, JOHD. The original. It takes me from depressed... a hopeless depression deeper than ever experienced to... content. Very few things can do that in life. I cannot even think of video games that are able to do that. Nothing can do it, JOHD. Let the power of Numb take care of my tattered soul as I sit here... once depressed thinking of my first girfriend, Heather, and then just thinking... of life. The enjoyment I have always had reassured. The whore from England almost argued about the whole Pink Floyd and intamacy... well as she is not out fucking someone else... that in itself tells me... that yeah... Floyd will always be here. This song... the greatest of all songs... shall always be here. It will not stab me in the back for its own selfishness or what have you. It will always be here. Humans can ask and plead and wonder why Floyd will be more important than them. Well... Floyd has way more points than all of them... than all of the humans... Gretch, D, Gem, Capp, Fran, Dad, Mom, Myles... all of them... put together... mutipled by any number you wish... shall never equal the power of Floyd. They shall never equal the power that conferts my mind. The problem with mortals is that they all think for themselves. This includes Madd, and that is unfortunate, however, it is true. The music of Floyd... especially this, that I now am hearing over and over... it is not the same. It does not have the same selfish nothing but me nature that all of us humans have. I find it odd that on the drive home the Pulse version of Numb was not able to drown out the thoughts of Capp. It had bothered me as I got home, got on the toilet, pooped, and what have you. No human in the world should have that ability... however, she did. I was not able to stop thinking about her on the drive home. However... now... all the thoughts and feeling... they all go to one source. It is the once source that was here when I was suicidal. It was the one source that never used selfcenteredness to fuller itself even if it meant the death of Maddness. JOHD... Mirror Effect... I do not care how many humans are unable to see how it works, it does. Humans are stupid, all of us. I remember talking to Mike (and Kenny) in regards to how per ratio... humans are thee dumbest of all God's creation per ratio. Sure... we can build buildings that are over 110+ stories. Who fucking cares, we can make cars, we can do this. As a matter of ratio to ability to what we do, humans are by far the dumbest of creatures. We are the only ones that have to put a disclaimer on Dial soap that the directions read: Use as regular soap. That is correct, my friend. We are that stupid. No other animal on this planet has to do such things. What does God see in us? Are we truly His greatest creation? If so, I would almost want to feel sorry for God. How we must dissipoint Him over and over. Heck... Adam and Eve. Good example. Told not to do something, yet we do it anyway. THEN we get pissed at him many generations down the road because things do not go our way... the way we selfishly want it to go. We blame God, the Creator, for our issues and problem. "How can there be a God who allows so much suffering in the world?" The answer is because we fucking deserve it. We do so more than any being on this planet. More so than any planet, virus, or anything else. We are given a consious, we should know better than to do the fucking stupid shit that we do. We should be more greatful, however, we are not. We are not because we are nothing but a bunch of selfish fucking pieces of moving flesh. God, on behalf of the human race, I apologize. I am sorry that we did not turn out the way you had planned. I am sorry that humans are such a lot of worthless moving pieces of flesh. I can understand why you almost destoryed us all (great flood) and honestly you should have never made a promise to never do it again. Humans are non-worthy. All of us, with mortal sin that piles so high that only you, the Creator, can see it all. I also am weak and guilty. I also am greedy of human sin. I disobey your rules, and wish I would not, and being human is no excuse. Nothing but FUCKING excuses!! All I ever hear!! All humans can fucking talk about. Dear Lord... forgive me of sin, since I am guilty of it... very guilty. Look after those I care for, since I care for them in my own selfish reasons, yet, I care for them all in the same. Dear Lord... please look after me, since I am human, born into sin, and know no better. Dear Lord... look after the human race since it requires much looking after. All of us. We are stupid, we do not mean to be, we just are. There is no pain... a distant ship smoke on the horizon. Your power is great, o Lord. Your power is wonderful. As much as I have stopped praying, and all the other rotten things I do as a human... forgive me of sin. I am sorry that I do. I wish to be good in your presence, even when I am not. I love thee Lord.
  • Current Music
    Numb... half way into the post.