September 14th, 2001


Kill Them All 1238a


Rage Release #1

     I think of the Star Ship Enterprise.  A ship of wonder.  Many things had attempted to destroy it, but of course, it has shields, and makes it difficult to take out.  However, if the ship was being attacked left and right by many enemy vessles, after a while, it's shields would fail.  Mine have failed.  I am beyond raged.  I wanted that last caller to eat shit and die.  I wanted her dead.  The fact she DARED to even mention, indirectly, about the world trade center I wanted to reply, "Okay, fucking bitch, I know where you live, and if you think the people who were causing you to change you number were bad, wait until my ass shows up at your fucking address, since I know where you live.  After I get through with you, I will make sure you wish you were trapped in the mess." then hang up on her.  I so wanted to.  I do not think it was her who really made it through the shields.  I mean, there was the jackass FBI agent who had his phone disconnected by some CEO from Qwest because he got arrested.  HEY YOU DUMB FUCK FBI, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK A CEO IS?  Joe N is our CEO, you fuck dumb retard.

Rage Release #2

     hEhEhE... okay, that is not fair, I am laughing now.  I was so enraged.  Sorry, JOHD, I was going to let you restore my shields, but Jay beat you to it.  Sure, the copy is not that good, but oh well, it brings me mass pleasure listening to this over and over.  hEhEhE!!  Oops, I did it again.  Yeah, well, I will have some explaining to do with my not so nice away message.  It is directed towards a lot of people.  You know, something bad happened on Tuesday.  But something even worse happened afterwards.  The human thing of people taking advantage of a situation.  Damnit humans are so fucking self centered.  I can see why God would have wanted to destroy them all at one point.  I get sick of seeing people fight over who has the best covereage or best pictures or who saw the most people fall/jump from the tops of the towers before they went down.  I get SICK of seeing fucking papers have font sizes larger than even my word processors can do to get people's attention.  I THINK WE GET THE FUCKING IDEA, DAMNIT.  Fine, cover it.  I have a copy of the Wednesday edition of the Des Moines reg, and they are so fucked up that they REPEAT their shit in almost every fucking article.  I do not pay for a paper to read the same damn fucking thing 4 times.  I can't wait until one of you fucks calls me, YET AGAIN, on my damn cell phone attemtping to get me to subscribe to your fucking paper.  I can assure you the unfortunate person who ends up calling will be wishing s/he did not wake up for the day.  Hmm... I was beyond angry when I was driving.

Rage Release #3

     Oh yeah, that reminds me, Van Morisson, if you ever attempt to sing Comfortably Numb again, I will hunt you the fuck down and rip your voice box out with my own fucking hands.  I have HEARD you sing before, you have a good voice, yet, the one song you sound like you are not even trying, is my damn song.  Not today.  Fuck you.  JOHD... I cannot think of a time that I have been this angered.  In fact... I would say this is close to hatred... but it is strange, because it is like there is no actual person or establishment to be hatred towards.  It is also odd that it would be Jay & Silent Bob that come to my aid, and not the healing powers of Floyd.  Well, I know there is no way I can sleep to this, so, Floyd will get me through the night.  While I am on the subject of anger, let me direct this attack towards father, for when I called him Wednesday.  Yeah, I started thinking to myself how wow... I am alive... and I could have easily been the opposite.  I mean, even if not the World Trade Center, who knows when something could just happen to me or someone who I care about.  So wow, I thought I would call him, and he wanted to know why I called him, and I told him I wanted to call him to let him know of all that love I have for him.  So we talked, and something about Tuesday came up, and I explained how I was in NY, and how if I had stayed there for two more days that I would have been in the towers.  I guess that thought is more in me than I originally thought, since it continues to come to me now and then.  Well, gee, did not say much for the fact I was still around.  Well, later, I talk about my credit cards and how I have a bit to take care of, like $2000 or so.  He almost fucking YELLS at me!  Yeah, sorry of the misfortune of my fucking birth, fuck you too buddy!  Still tries to control me, to this day.  See if I ever fucking call you again, ass.

Rage Release #4

     This note goes out to the humans.  Show some fucking respect for people.  I know you want respect, so give the same.  Don't you dare use shit like devistation to the nation for fucking your own gain.  If I could find those people who decided to raise gas prices when they KNEW tons of people were going to storm and buy some, I would hunt you down, have you shaved, sterilized, and destroyed (thank you, Brad).  You all give in to the fucking enemy!!  Those people did fucking die in vein, because this is what they wanted.  They did not want to kill innocent people.  They wanted to make America shake and quiver.  That is how they win.  Make us panic, make us pariniod, make us think there is no safety.  It works for a day, I can accept that, but after that, live fucking life, remember those unfortunate who are lost, and carry the strength deep down inside to fight against this damn evil.  Not fighting with planes, bombs, guns, or strength of might.  Fight with mentality, with will power, with strength of heart.  Lots of people have been doing it.  Donating money, or blood.  Paying respect.  Those humans... I applaud them.  I do so for them fighting against the emeny, as opposed with their own allies.  When you call me up, and use shit about the Trade Tower destruction to get your fucking phone up faster because you are truly a cold heartless fuck, then go fuck yourself for giving into the enemy.  Rot... die... slowly.  Same to all your family who agrees with you.

Rage Release #5

     hEhEhE... there goes that song again.  I some times tune the things out around me, and I forget it is playing.  I just have no desire to have hostility listening to this.  I think it the fact I saw the movie twice, and I can see them "dancing" to this song, and man, that just kills me.  I think I should go see the movie again some time soon.  JOHD... the hatred-type feeling is gone.  I thank you for listening to me.  You are always here for me, and while I am at it, I want to tell you that I love you.  You have been by my side whenever I "needed" it.  I should have come to you more times in my life, but I did not.  Nevertheless, there you are for me.  You never make me feel like shit.  You never disrespect me.  Oh yeah... while I still am in my now unhappy state, I think I should say something else to the humans, JOHD.

Rage Release #6

     Hey humans, a while back, I had mentioned how I was going to go more private, well, I had given it a lot of thought, and I decided not to.  After all, it was mostly due to one human by the name of Linda.  Here is the story of how it all went.  See, I had liked Linda.  She liked me.  I was unsure what to think, after all, I am wanting to take things slow these days so that I do not blind myself with my own stupidity.  Well, one day, she sent me an email, to which I wanted to at least reply to, but at the same time, you know, I do not want to give the wrong impression since I do not even know how I really feel about her.  This would be when I would see her true self, the part of her that she would hide from people so they do not know it exists.  She wrote me back as if I had insulted her to the high ends of the earth.  She replied to me as if I was a cold heartless ass.  The Reality is, she wrote me an email, and in her mind, had this distorted fantasy idea of how I should have replied, and I did not reply to the way she liked.  So, after reading that, I got massively irritated at her for writing to me the way she did.  She went, and as expected from someone in that position, into a non-existing world.  I have no actual examples, believe it or not, I deleted all that stuff.  Um... well, this is just an example of what I mean.  Pretend someone says that you are nice and they enjoy your personality.  Then, you do not do everything they tell you to do, so they say that you are really an asshole and a liar, even though in Reality you did nothing but say truth.  Well, that is how she was.  She went on to say how I had wanted her for nothing but sex, or something like that, and I thought that so damn funny since I never asked her for sex, even though we had sex.  It was a mutual thing.  I was drunk and not thinking right, and she was drunk to a point I did not realize, and did not even remember most of the night, yet I was so asking her for sex.  Hahaha!!  Okay... maybe if she could have remembered 75% of that night I could buy that.  So after I wrote my reply, of which a lot was wondering who the heck I was talking to (the 180 degree flip caught me off guard), I got yet another unpleasent reply.  It started to irritate me, but at the same time, I did want to talk about it.  Maybe something could be worked out at least.  Well, she did the utmost childish thing I have seen in a long time.  She actually blocked my email address, so what I sent her came back to me.  Now... blocking someone is one thing.  But stating tons of your mind and THEN blocking an email address... that is something that goes well beyond childish.  However, I learned one important thing from all that.  I found out the type of person she really is.  The persn she is capible of being.  So... to connect it, anyone paying attention remembers Angry Human.  Angry Human knows of what I wrote in JOHD because of Linda, and that means that Linda actively reads (or at least at the time) all that I write.  I know the real reason she would have done such a thing.  Back when there was still a chance that anything could have happened between us, she would many times mention how she did not want things bad between me and Angry Human.  Well... in Reality, she was jealous, and she made it more than obvious the night she was drunk, and I was not the only one who saw it.  So she was either lying about it to everyone, or she was lying to herself how she felt.  Of course, since what I wrote was after her childish exploring time, it would be more than happy for her world to see any more pain or what have you in my life.  What a better way that reading what I write to JOHD and using anything that she can against me.  Closing shop up to people because of one or two humans is just wrong.  In fact, while writing this, I think how it is letting the enemy win.  I think in my previous anger I stated how letting the enemy win is a bad thing.  Do I see her as a real enemy?  No, I do not.  She stated how she wanted to be a part of my life, and that in turn is how I shall act, for treat others as they treat you... well... in a nut shell.  So for now, until she attempts elsewise, I shall ignore the fact of her existance.  I shall get on with my life, and not let a mere human alter it.

Rage Release Complete

     Of course... we have seen how more than one human can cause damage, JOHD.  Like fire ants.  One fire ant can be taken out by about anything.  Ten thousand army ants could kill a human if they wanted to.  But I have you, JOHD, to help build me strength.  I have a few friends who I could trust at this point to not harm me in any way, not even unintentional.  I have other loved ones as well, who will dust me off when I fall down.  I have Floyd.  I have the thought that I can overcome petty childishness.  I have the thought that I am unique and special.  I have the thought that while some can look at the cup as half empty, I can look at the cup as mine to drink or give out as needed.  See... I feel better already, JOHD.  From beyond anger to content.  That is a cool trick.  How the heck did I do it?  hEhEhE... well... needless to say, I have been drained of massive amounts of energy.  So, I go to sleep, and wake up to take care of some unfinished business.  Wow... look at all we talked about, JOHD, and this was uninturrupted... not to mention, no computer crashes, mwahaha!!  Master of Maddness, signing off 0145a......
  • Current Music
    "Jay's Rap" - Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back Soundtrack (bad RA copy repeat)

Chasing Happiness 1130a

"The Taliban face a similar dilemma. If they hand over bin Laden, they risk angering thousands of foreign fighters who are indispensable in their war against a northern-based alliance. If they continue to harbor bin Laden, they risk a full-scale attack by the world's most powerful army."

     Hi, JOHD.  How are you today?  I am doing well myself, thank you for asking.  Some interesting dreams, of which involved on of my most flavorite, hearing Pink Floyd from the real world to the dream world.  There is not much remembered from the dream.  I was a teacher or something in one part, and was playing Numb, and some person turned it off around 6 minutes and 13 seconds into the song.  This caused me to be slightly unhappy.  That is all of the dream I remember.  Speaking of dreams, I have had a yet another a while back regarding X-Files.  The number of X-Files dreams I have had in my life is rather amazing.  I even remember that dream log 950403.1 had a mention of it, so I know I have been having X-File related dreams since then.  I never really got into it, as in watching it almost religiously, since after the X-Files movie.  The movie was released in 1998.  I would catch all seasons after that.  I am not sure what my mental tie is with X-Files.  Had I been dreaming of X-Files before I started to watch every episode, I could understand.  I would say it was something possibly to do with Myles, since he is the one who faithfully tapes and watched them with me.  Well, not as faithful.  He would rather watch a movie award program than X-Files, hEhEhE!!  Not I.  Maybe I should ask God the tie... if anyone would know, it would be Him.

Shields Returning to Normal, Cap'in

     [EVENTS now] Well... obviously, there was some massive damage done to my shielding last night.  Many attacks by quite a few aggressors.  Usually I handle these attacks without too much trouble.  However, it was just not the best of days.  I out some effort into thought last night, as I was lying in bed.  I was thinking how possibly, I was being attacked on a level beyond standard 4th dimensional means.  It would make a lot of sense.  At the same time, I have not had problems with anything beyond 4th dimensional for a long time.  Then again, 5th dimensional thinking has increased of late.  I guess I had lost a bit of faith in myself.  I let the workings of society taint my very blood and mind.  I think it is time that I claim it all back.  It is time that I regain what I have lost.  Of course, in doing so, I must come to the understanding that more 5th dimensional beings may be attracted to me.  This means that I shall have to be strong.  I may have to come to the realization that my loved ones may be an important part in keeping my strength.  Too many times, I think I have felt like an unstoppable force.  I felt that I never required the help of anyone, that I can do everything by myself if I at least understood what was going on.  While I may be able to do many things on my own, the Reality of it is that some times I fail in keeping my own pace.  I am going to have problems that may require me turning to friends and loved ones.  So I must keep a better eye open to see when this external help is required.  When Iowa City Gal and Alienesse called me last night when my away message was telling everyone to "stay away", and left messages and was showing slight concern for me, it help restore my shielding even faster.  It helped my mind heal faster.  Of course, I also learned that some times, it does help to just sit in a corner and release to just one.  That one was you, JOHD, the reason I did not answer either calls last night.  I wanted to make my rage with you, since I know you can always handle it, and then sleep it off and let the power of music come in and heal while I slept.  It was a good plan, my friend, my mind is back to where it was on the start of yesterday.  Well... there is quite a bit to catch up, so... shall we?

Hey, Try Not to Suck Any Dick on the Way Through the Parking Lot!

     [EVENTS saturday 8/25] So some time during Clerks, I would get a phone call from NY Friend.  The reference she made a while back to how many woman I had sex with all made sense now.  I found it rather amusing.  I am sure… that my computer just crashed.  Thank goodness for autosave.  So what was I talking about.  Oh yeah, I remember now.  One thing I forgot to mention was some time before I woke up, a few would have already taken the Dr Shrink program on my web site.  The fastest response would be from dITZ.  I would see this before I originally went to work.  Anyway, now that I remembered that, it is time to move on to the next movie, and complete my Kevin Smith experience.

Chasing Who? (SPOILER)

     Chasing Amy.  This would be the movie after Mallrats, which was the first movie that I saw from Kevin Smith.  This would also be the next movie on our watching list.  (WARNING!! THIS IS A POSSIBLE SPOILER FOR ANYONE WHO HAS NOT SEEN "CHASING AMY", THE MOVIE BY KEVIN SMITH. SCROLL DOWN THE PAGE UNTIL YOU SEE END SPOILER AT THE TOP OF YOUR BROWSER IF YOU WISH NOT TO HAVE ANY MENTIONING OF CHASING AMY RUINED FOR YOU.)

At the very end, Mallrats mentioned that Jay, Silent Bob, and Suzanne would be coming in a movie soon name Chasing Amy.  This would be said movie.  Here we have comic book artist Holden (AKA Ben Affleck), along with master tracer (hehehe) Blanky (AKA Jason Lee), who have created a popular comic book of Bluntman and Chronic, who are based off of the infamous duo of Jay & Silent Bob (AKA Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith).  Jay and Silent Bob do not necessarily have as large a roll as in Mallrats, but they portray their zany characters way more true to Mallrats than in Clerks.  Holden ends up falling in love with Alyssa (AKA Joey Adams), who he later finds out is a lesbian.  It gets even more twisted when she actually decides to pursue something with him.  This causes much strain to the relationship with Blanky and Holden.  I admired the relationship shown between these two.  It hit slightly close to home when I saw the strain their relationship was going through.  I felt a little bit of myself and some people of the past caught up in a similar situation.  I also got a rather big kick out of the part when Alyssa and Holden are on the swing set talking about a lesbian and her virginity, or lack of, with two woman who have sex with each other.  I had this decision/debate with a bisexual friend of mine some time back, with her stating she was a virgin and me claiming that if she said she had "sex" with another woman, then she was not a virgin.  That part of the movie sticks out with me more than anything.  It was a good scene.  Well... another part of the movie that got my attention was when Holden learns of Alyssa's past, and has more than a difficult time accepting it.  At first I wanted to think how he was in the wrong, but then, I started to think how it was more her that was in the wrong.  One of those, which character do you side with kind of things.  She had said how she was not really with any guys, and then to find out by a third part that she was pushed him over the edge.  I can relate with people that avoid things and if it is to go to some one it would go in route of a third party.  I have a constant reminder in my closet door in the shape of a large fist, where I smashed a hole due to my anger back then when I found out information the difficult way.  So my heart went more towards him than her.  Of course, it set up the stage for closer to the end, which really threw me for a quick loop.  Holden gets Blanky and Alyssa in the same room.  Blanky has a definite dislike for Alyssa for he feels that she is helping to cause the relationship problems between Holden and him.  That tension was made apparent.  When Holden said that the way to resolve the problems was for all three of them to have sex with each other, I just giggled and made sure I was watching the same movie.  I would have never seen this kind of plot twist.  Blanky makes statements on his sexuality, defending his heterosexuality, and then Holden kisses him.  hEhEhE!!  Yeah, that was too much for me.  I didn't get sick, but I threw all logic for the movie out of the window at that point.  It was very amusing, especially how Blanky does not go all crazy or anything like that.  Overall, I did enjoy the movie, however, if I had been told this plot, and there was no relationship to Jay & Silent Bob, I would not have watched it I am sure.  It was a rather slow movie.  I feel it is the slowest movie of all Kevin Smith's major films, starting with Clerks, ending with the Jay & Silent Bob movie.  At the same time, however, I would not put it in the bad movie list.  By the way, there is not a single character named Amy in the movie, but, it set up for Silent Bob to do his trademark speech that he gets in all his movies.

Good Night, Good Fight


So now I felt that I was prepared for the Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, scheduled to be watched some time Tuesday with Myles.  I decided to go home.

The Chat Heard 'Round the Net

     [EVENTS sunday 8/26] I would go home, and basically chat with two people, Cheryl and Alienesse.  The chat with Cheryl was some concerns she had, referenced in Ch019.  However, there would be a long chat I would have with Alienesse referenced as Al133.  She came to me for help, in regards to wanting to talk to someone about a problem she was having with someone.  I would end up personalizing it I would see later.  I also was hit a few close to home.  I guess some ways I felt our relationship had always been, and she plainly stated to me that we were not as close as I had thought/hoped we were.  I had thought we were at least close friends.  But according to her, we were not.  This would end up hurting me, I think.  I did not realize it at the time, but very soon, I would learn an important message from how I acted with this chat.

Slow Motion Work Day

     I was excited this night.  Iowa City Gal was coming over after work.  Work was super slow.  The calls got up as much as 7 minutes between calls.  I would also have very deep thoughts in regards to Iowa City Gal.  They were a mixture of a lot of different things.  Some of it, of course, wondering just where I was in her life.  Wondering how things were going to go when we got together.  Well, work went so slow, that they gave me etime and I had not even signed up.  It went something like they asked if I wanted to sign the book, so I did, and then they said I could leave.  The only reason I decided to leave on etime was because I was expecting company.

TetriMaster Madd Martin

     So I cleaned up just a little bit more before she got there.  I have this large compulsion to want to give her a hug, but at the same time, I know she is not much for being a hugging type of person.   I respect that.   We would play Tekken 2.  This time, she was not as lucky as when we first encountered each other.  I would have the upper hand, since I knew how to block.  Plus, since she was forcing me to play as Kuma, I would learn a few extra tricks with him.  She didn't stand a chance, mwahaha!!   After that, we would go into Next Tetris.  This would be her first time playing this version of Tetris.   I kept her in check for the first half of our playing time, even though I was all the way at level 10, and she was around 3 and so.  However, soon the tides would turn, and her Tetris abilities would start to show.  They started to show so much, in fact, that I found myself ranked down to level 8.  I almost thought I might cry.  I had worked so much to get to level 10.  My powers, however, would not be undermined.  I would make a comeback and reach level 10 once again.  I was rather impressed that I made it so fast to there.  After that, it was a matter of her and I alternating between a few games, so that no one could rank up or down.

Holy Spoon

     [EVENTS monday 8/27] So after game play, we would hit the movies.  The first movie we watched was Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  It had been a rather long time since I had watched that movie.  I still knew most major parts of the movie word for word.  That made me very happy.  I did get the impression that she enjoyed the movie.  Maybe not as much as I did, but I am not sure of anyone who would enjoy this movie as much as I.  There is only one movie I know that I have seen more than this movie.  After Holy Grail, she requested Matrix, and I am one who loves to do requests.  So in the late hours of the night, we would watch Matrix.  Been a while since I had seen Matrix.  It was definitely a good call on her part.

Outside the Wall

     [EVENTS now] Well, I do declare, but it is close to that time again.  I at least made it through a day and a half.  This is good.  I am making progress.  I seem to be back on track of things, JOHD.  The procrastination Demon is knocking on my door, which I do not like at all, but I will manage.  I know I can win that war, since I am winning so many key battles, even if I lose a few here and there.  So keep the keys warm for me, and I shall get back to you after work.  Master of Maddness, signing off 0254p......
  • Current Music
    "Comfortably Numb" - Pink Floyd, "The Wall"; d6 (repeat)