August 13th, 2001

MW

Truth/Transformation

"Leave your daggers at the door, my poor back can take no more.  Or take a number and wait your turn, for this here Madd will never learn."

     Hi JOHD.  How the heck are you?  Hmm... yeah... I feel ill, almost like a mental ill.  Nothing an bad of weed, sheet of acid, rock of coke, and bottle of Everclear could not cure.  Well, let's do it.  I am in so dire want of a hug right now...

Vocational Frustrations

     Um, work was work, and I swear the calls are getting longer and longer.  It is only a matter of time before I lose my job.  I am sure they are attempting to get rid of me.  I mean, not me as in Madd, but me as in another person to target since Joe thinks we no longer need an RSA.  Maybe I should not fight it.  Maybe I should go back to Wal-Mart and live the rest of my life there, barely getting any money to bust my ass off for a company that does not even recognize what I do for it.  Enter flaw one of a million.  That feeling of recognition.  I do work that goes beyond the call of duty, my brain wants its special pay.  A real pat on the back, and someone to use my name, not a computer generated statement that goes, "Dear Employee X, you did a great job on . The company appriciates it, signed management."  I sort of left Wal-Mart for the, but heck, I do even more miracles and get even less recognition.  However, at Wal-Mart, I was more able to be myself, even if I had to fight for it.  However, when am I not fighting for it?  When am I not hearing society attempting to crush my spirit?  When am I not fighting The Man?  Looks like they are winning this battle.

First Love Revisited

     This song reminds me of the first person who I fell in love with.  Ever time I hear it, I think of her.  Aye, JOHD, I speak of Kit.  You would think someone who said that she loved me, just to turn around one day with, "I am sorry, I never loved you, I just liked the things you said to me," would get dropped out of my Reality rather fast.  Maybe the old saying that you never forget your first love is true.  If so, I would like to point out how sick God's sense of humor is at times.  No, I slam not the Lord, but I have always agreed that God has a sense of humor.  I know you do things for a reason, Lord, and some times I am sure I question your infinate wisdom, and I am nothing more than a sinning, flawed human.  I apologize for it.  So anyway, attempting to keep on track, I wonder what keeps Kit in my mind.  I wonder what makes me think about her the way I do, 7 years after first encountering her.  I am not sure, but I do know what makes me bring her up, and what makes me play Zombie over and over now.  Thoughts and concerns of my extremely poor dealings with women.

Iowa City in Des Moines

     So I was thinking of Iowa City Gal quite a bit.  I was beyond looking forward to meeting her.  I started to think how I have not given a human as much thought as her for quite a long time, which prompted me to wonder just how much I cared for her.  There had only been two actual thoughts in my head for the past few weeks, and she was prodominate.  Ironically enough, the second is also a human female.  So after work, I would get a call from said friend and guide her cell phone to my place to live.  She did not look anything like I expected.  To continue to think about it, she was more attractive in real life than my mind would have ever been able to give her credit.  To that I say, great job, brain, for even thinking physical.  That, is something I will tackle later, friend.  Speaking of later, I guess I should cut this since only 15 minutes until 0100p, and it is Fair time with Myles.  So... catch you later.

24 Hour Later...

hEhEhE!!  Mwahaha!!  JOHD!  I got this happy brain candy feeling going down, er, my tone changed, as did the day (this is 24 hours past my last entry, it shall all be explained).

So where was I going with that?  Hmm... I should start doing these entried at night, hehehe, that would make talking to you easy.  It is bad enough I have "two" different Madd entries here.  So, okay, I see where I was.  We did appear to have a good time.  I noticed that she had very little eye contact with me.  This would come more into play later.  We would play Tekken II, which is close to what we had planned, however, I could not find Tekken I at Gamers.  I won the first one, thus, I won my bet, and she had to call me Master, mwahaha!!  However, she would end up beating me a lot afterwards.  Pretty soon I figured out how to play again (like I re-learned how to block, a big must with someone you play against who slams buttons, haha).  After that, we would watch Seven.  A disturbingly great film.  From there, I would brush her hair as her condition for if she won.  Even though I won the first game, as per the bet, she did end up beating me.  She even said I did not have to, but hey, anything to be closer to someone I like.  She has nice smelling hair.  She told me twice what it was, however, I do not remember it.  Eventually, she started to pass out and ended up in my lab/chest as I was sitting up.  It would be time to get her to bed.

The opposite of Sleeping

     Sleeping was interesting, or should I say, lack of.  I must have woken up around 6 or so times as I was attempting to sleep next to her.  I would also end up with my arm around her.  Imagine that happening.  It is something that is almost a given, if I sleep towards some one, and not away from them, that I will end up with my arm around them.  Of course, I like this one, JOHD, so the times I would actually be slightly awake, I would be playing with her hair, or, rubbing her back.  I kept fantasizing about her kissing me, how much I may have enjoyed it.  It never happened, nor did I expect it to.  It was just one of my many fantasies.  I am allowed to fantasize, because it is a good mental release.  It is also the only time I get to play first, even when someone else is making the first moves to me in my brain, I am the one doing all controlling.  I mean, dah, it is my brain... at least, I think it is my brain.  Oh yeah, I would also have a dream about her, and it was one of those crazy dreams that I am dreaming of the actual things that are happening around me only I modify them.  In this case, I was dreaming she was right there beside me, and she turned over, and she kind of guided my hand to her stomach and I was pushing my body into hers.  That was all that I really could remember, after all, I kept waking up every second it felt like, and I would not fall back to sleep easily.

Expectations Lost

     So she would finally get out of bed, and get ready to take off.  The one thing I did notice, and look for, was how she would decide to leave.  I had originally thought that she was going to basically get dressed and leave, however, she did not, and she kept asking me all these questions.  The questions were very... general and non specific.  They are the kind that you would not always ask to know the information in hand, as opposed to stale for something.  "How is the weather," comes to mind.  Many times, the person is attempting to fill space.  Granted, there are some people thay may want to know the weather, but I see that as a rare thing.  So maybe she was preoccupied.

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"Leave your daggers at the door, my poor back can take no more.&nbsp; Or take a number and wait your turn, for this here Madd will never learn."

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Hi JOHD.&nbsp; How the heck are you?&nbsp; Hmm... yeah... I feel ill, almost like a mental ill.&nbsp; Nothing an bad of weed, sheet of acid, rock of coke, and bottle of Everclear could not cure.&nbsp; Well, let's do it.&nbsp; I am in so dire want of a hug right now...

<font size=+1>Vocational Frustrations</font>

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Um, work was work, and I swear the calls are getting longer and longer.&nbsp; It is only a matter of time before I lose my job.&nbsp; I am sure they are attempting to get rid of me.&nbsp; I mean, not me as in Madd, but me as in another person to target since Joe thinks we no longer need an RSA.&nbsp; Maybe I should not fight it.&nbsp; Maybe I should go back to Wal-Mart and live the rest of my life there, barely getting any money to bust my ass off for a company that does not even recognize what I do for it.&nbsp; Enter flaw one of a million.&nbsp; That feeling of recognition.&nbsp; I do work that goes beyond the call of duty, my brain wants its special pay.&nbsp; A real pat on the back, and someone to use my name, not a computer generated statement that goes, "Dear Employee X, you did a great job on <insert task>. The company appriciates it, signed management."&nbsp; I sort of left Wal-Mart for the, but heck, I do even more miracles and get even less recognition.&nbsp; However, at Wal-Mart, I was more able to be myself, even if I had to fight for it.&nbsp; However, when am I not fighting for it?&nbsp; When am I not hearing society attempting to crush my spirit?&nbsp; When am I not fighting The Man?&nbsp; Looks like they are winning this battle.

<font size=+1>First Love Revisited</font>

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; This song reminds me of the first person who I fell in love with.&nbsp; Ever time I hear it, I think of her.&nbsp; Aye, JOHD, I speak of Kit.&nbsp; You would think someone who said that she loved me, just to turn around one day with, "I am sorry, I never loved you, I just liked the things you said to me," would get dropped out of my Reality rather fast.&nbsp; Maybe the old saying that you never forget your first love is true.&nbsp; If so, I would like to point out how sick God's sense of humor is at times.&nbsp; No, I slam not the Lord, but I have always agreed that God has a sense of humor.&nbsp; I know you do things for a reason, Lord, and some times I am sure I question your infinate wisdom, and I am nothing more than a sinning, flawed human.&nbsp; I apologize for it.&nbsp; So anyway, attempting to keep on track, I wonder what keeps Kit in my mind.&nbsp; I wonder what makes me think about her the way I do, 7 years after first encountering her.&nbsp; I am not sure, but I do know what makes me bring her up, and what makes me play Zombie over and over now.&nbsp; Thoughts and concerns of my extremely poor dealings with women.

<font size=+1>Iowa City in Des Moines</font>

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; So I was thinking of Iowa City Gal quite a bit.&nbsp; I was beyond looking forward to meeting her.&nbsp; I started to think how I have not given a human as much thought as her for quite a long time, which prompted me to wonder just how much I cared for her.&nbsp; There had only been two actual thoughts in my head for the past few weeks, and she was prodominate.&nbsp; Ironically enough, the second is also a human female.&nbsp; So after work, I would get a call from said friend and guide her cell phone to my place to live.&nbsp; She did not look anything like I expected.&nbsp; To continue to think about it, she was more attractive in real life than my mind would have ever been able to give her credit.&nbsp; To that I say, great job, brain, for even thinking physical.&nbsp; That, is something I will tackle later, friend.&nbsp; Speaking of later, I guess I should cut this since only 15 minutes until 0100p, and it is Fair time with Myles.&nbsp; So... catch you later.

<font size=+1>24 Hour Later...</font>

hEhEhE!!&nbsp; Mwahaha!!&nbsp; JOHD!&nbsp; I got this happy brain candy feeling going down, er, my tone changed, as did the day (this is 24 hours past my last entry, it shall all be explained).

So where was I going with that?&nbsp; Hmm... I should start doing these entried at night, hehehe, that would make talking to you easy.&nbsp; It is bad enough I have "two" different Madd entries here.&nbsp; So, okay, I see where I was.&nbsp; We did appear to have a good time.&nbsp; I noticed that she had very little eye contact with me.&nbsp; This would come more into play later.&nbsp; We would play Tekken II, which is close to what we had planned, however, I could not find Tekken I at Gamers.&nbsp; I won the first one, thus, I won my bet, and she had to call me Master, mwahaha!!&nbsp; However, she <i>would</i> end up beating me a lot afterwards.&nbsp; Pretty soon I figured out how to play again (like I re-learned how to block, a big must with someone you play against who slams buttons, haha).&nbsp; After that, we would watch Seven.&nbsp; A disturbingly great film.&nbsp; From there, I would brush her hair as her condition for if she won.&nbsp; Even though I won the first game, as per the bet, she did end up beating me.&nbsp; She even said I did not have to, but hey, anything to be closer to someone I like.&nbsp; She has nice smelling hair.&nbsp; She told me twice what it was, however, I do not remember it.&nbsp; Eventually, she started to pass out and ended up in my lab/chest as I was sitting up.&nbsp; It would be time to get her to bed.

<font size=+1>The opposite of Sleeping</font>

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Sleeping was interesting, or should I say, lack of.&nbsp; I must have woken up around 6 or so times as I was attempting to sleep next to her.&nbsp; I would also end up with my arm around her.&nbsp; Imagine that happening.&nbsp; It is something that is almost a given, if I sleep towards some one, and not away from them, that I will end up with my arm around them.&nbsp; Of course, I like this one, JOHD, so the times I would actually be slightly awake, I would be playing with her hair, or, rubbing her back.&nbsp; I kept fantasizing about her kissing me, how much I may have enjoyed it.&nbsp; It never happened, nor did I expect it to.&nbsp; It was just one of my many fantasies.&nbsp; I am allowed to fantasize, because it is a good mental release.&nbsp; It is also the only time I get to play first, even when someone else is making the first moves to me in my brain, I am the one doing all controlling.&nbsp; I mean, dah, it is my brain... at least, I think it is my brain.&nbsp; Oh yeah, I would also have a dream about her, and it was one of those crazy dreams that I am dreaming of the actual things that are happening around me only I modify them.&nbsp; In this case, I was dreaming she was right there beside me, and she turned over, and she kind of guided my hand to her stomach and I was pushing my body into hers.&nbsp; That was all that I really could remember, after all, I kept waking up every second it felt like, and I would not fall back to sleep easily.

<font size=+1>Expectations Lost</font>

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; So she would finally get out of bed, and get ready to take off.&nbsp; The one thing I did notice, and look for, was how she would decide to leave.&nbsp; I had originally thought that she was going to basically get dressed and leave, however, she did not, and she kept asking me all these questions.&nbsp; The questions were very... general and non specific.&nbsp; They are the kind that you would not always ask to know the information in hand, as opposed to stale for something.&nbsp; "How is the weather," comes to mind.&nbsp; Many times, the person is attempting to fill space.&nbsp; Granted, there are some people thay may want to know the weather, but I see that as a rare thing.&nbsp; So maybe she was preoccupied.

<font size+1>Is Iowa City the Place for Me?</font>

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Well, I think it important that I reflect back on what happened.&nbsp; Take my overanalyzations and smack them down to my best ability.&nbsp; I like this one, JOHD.&nbsp; Her mind has captivated me fast.&nbsp; That worries me, JOHD, because I look how things that go fast crash and burn harder.&nbsp; Girlfriends who I asked out in the past were done so in short time, and look how many I even talk to now.&nbsp; Also, let's check into expecations, and dissipoints and what have you.&nbsp; I had excpeted to have a good time.&nbsp; For the time she was there, that I did, I had a good time.&nbsp; I expected to be totally victorious in Tekken.&nbsp; This, I was not.&nbsp; The dissipointment came from me not making the learning curve to the game, ensuring me total victory.&nbsp; I let her practice a long time, and then let her have more life, and thought of myself as always staying in control, which I did not for a while, to where she was barely able to touch me.&nbsp; This is my own fault, and relates not to her directly.&nbsp; I never expected her to give me a hug or anything beyond.&nbsp; She had put her arm around me while we were sleeping for a few brief moments, and even if she was passed out sleeping, it still was a surprise that was very nice to have added, since I did not even think to get a hug.&nbsp; She mentioned how much she liked me, and I never really saw it.&nbsp; That had possible issues which requires her being defended.&nbsp; Madd, ever occurr to you how you have been towards people in the past that you really liked?&nbsp; How you got a bit shy around them?&nbsp; Plus, are we forgetting the fact that she is a shy person, and stated so on the phone.&nbsp; People are more comfortable on the phone and computer chat than in person, Madd, you should know you are the only exception who has been observed to this rule thus far.&nbsp; This was the first time she was meeting you, and had a lot, and I mean lot, of info to input, like the fact you WERE your usually zany self.&nbsp; That catches humans by surprise, you forgetting that?&nbsp; Okay, maybe I am forgetting that, but I asked about next Sunday, and all of a sudden it seems she might have a change in plans.&nbsp; Okay, Madd, possible change of plans, she did not actually do the crime yet.&nbsp; If you dare go into the this would be a bunch of coincidence speech crap, I would quickly kick you in the nuts, and refer you to the, "A technician just drove by my place and now I have no dial tone."&nbsp; The fact she would later not call, well, she <i>did</i> drop a message, even stressed concern that she thought I was angry at her when she left, which I was not, I was in deep thought wondering if I had been blown off now.&nbsp; So give it time, I order you to.&nbsp; If you have to, take our mind elseware for a while until we can go back and think more about her, who she is.&nbsp; Wow, JOHD, you really are groovy!

<font size=+1>It's not You, Dear, It Really is Me</font>

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Okay, so, let me jump back to the time line, JOHD.&nbsp; At this point, she was gone, and it was around 1200p or so.&nbsp; My mind was not in a happy place.&nbsp; I had been thinking more negative towards the experience, and how it was "just me".&nbsp; More so, just my looks.&nbsp; It is not that I care about looks, and in fact, if that is the way she would see me, as not being attractive enough, then thank goodness this is finally known so I can move on to someone with a real heart.&nbsp; However, point remains that it means my ability to understand women is at an all time low.&nbsp; Not to mention, I seem to have great chatting times with females until we discover that we may have feelings for each other.&nbsp; Then, something happens, and the chatting fails.&nbsp; There is only one human this has never happened with.&nbsp; Bless her soul.&nbsp; I called up Myles to get times for the Fair.&nbsp; I was hoping that my spirits were going to pick up.

<font size=+1>Some Times Life is Beyond Fair</font>

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Well, I took off to Myles, with not the happiest of thoughts running through my mind.&nbsp; God would end up working His usual Reality checks that things are not hopeless.&nbsp; Iowa City Gal's favorite song from a band would come on, which happened to mention her name a few times.&nbsp; I had a quick chat with God about His infinate humor.&nbsp; Well, I got to Myles, and they got some things ready, and Myles, in his own unaware state of being, was able to get me laught.&nbsp; Myles does not have the greatest knowledge of things, and some times the way he says things, it is just funny.&nbsp; Like a person attempting to talk politics to me, I will say things that just bust people up, because I have no clue about politics.&nbsp; So anyway, we went to the Fair.&nbsp; We would get their around 0200p or so finally after getting other things done.&nbsp; We walked around a lot, my feet got dirty.&nbsp; Stupid helicopter flip flops.&nbsp; I was anticipating the sun, this time, and I think I won.&nbsp; Oh, we stopped at the KGGO rock shop, and low and behold, God would quickly grace my brain with some more reassurance that I should be putting a smile on my face.&nbsp; After I bought my KGGO shorts, and sat down next to Myles and Mary, Numb would come on.&nbsp; Ahh... I just let go of my mind, and let out in song.&nbsp; Myles informed me later that some humans were staring at me.&nbsp; Tis okay.&nbsp; They are nothing more than humans, and have no idea what is going on.&nbsp; My mind would be free after this point.&nbsp; The crazy sadness that had taken par of the day would turn into this plethura of euphoric happiness.&nbsp; Wow, can I misspell any more words in a single sentance?&nbsp; So here is who you are speaking to now, JOHD.&nbsp; This brings up to speed where my mind is at now.&nbsp; That time was the turning point where my mind took MORE things into perspective, not to mention the fact, all the chemicals that were released into my blood when Numb plays "from the middle of no where."&nbsp; So, we would eat food, get a few things here and there, and then we would wait for the reason Myles went to the Fair this day in the first place.&nbsp; Blood, Sweat, & Tears.

<font size=+1>Blood is Thicker than Tears</font>


At this time, I was not exactly sure who they were.&nbsp; Myles told me that I would have heard a few songs before, but I was not sure what to expect.&nbsp; Since it was free, and we wanted good seats, we would wait starting at 0512p up until 0630p for the gates to open.&nbsp; Then, we would wait another hour before the show started.&nbsp; During the wait, I would almost pass out around 3 times.&nbsp; I was so tired.&nbsp; Well, he came out, and played that one famous song with the name I do not remember.&nbsp; Blah, I am going to have to get back to you on this one, JOHD.&nbsp; It will take me forever to figured out what they all played.&nbsp; This man has energy.&nbsp; He has a positive aura around him which rubbed off on the audience, and let me tell you, I almost forgot I was in Iowa.&nbsp; I had this crazy feeling I was in NY.&nbsp; The band was actually from NY, and said some NY things, and that srung into my mind the upcoming trip to NY.&nbsp; He had some great songs, and the blues nature really took into effect.&nbsp; Plus I liked how he intereacted with the audience, all the way to him telling some kid in the middle of one of his speeches, "No you can't have my jacket," and that got the audience into a laugh fest.&nbsp; He has such a wonderful personality, I so wish now that I would have stopped to get an autograph signed and speak to him for a few minutes.&nbsp; He was busy, I rationalize away, and would spell my name wrong anyway.

<font size=+>Not My Kids</font>

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I would stay over at Myles for a while.&nbsp; There was massive screaming.&nbsp; one of the children (26+ years) was being bad in some way.&nbsp; Something about being a slut, and having bad ex's over that caused trouble, I believe.&nbsp; In the middle of this, NY friend would AIM my cell phone, to which I would reply to call my number, to which a few later she would do.&nbsp; We would converse, talking about the children hanging around me like fungus.&nbsp; Fungus was my word, she mentioned something about it that was different from my meaning.&nbsp; That was fine.&nbsp; I also mentioned how these kids were like a psychological experiement with me.&nbsp; The Myles Shack consists of a LOT of small ruggies, ranging from 3 months to about 4 years, then skipping to about the teen spot, then switching to a mix of everything else.&nbsp; The way the kids have been raised leads them to need attention in any way, of which they prefer throwing things, pulling hair, and screaming and never listening.&nbsp; They are to a point that I actually treat these kids in a way that I would otherwise never treat any kids, and ways I said kids should never be treated.&nbsp; It bothers me that I do it, but at the same time, they have been raised in a way that any other better methods of handling children is just not going to work.&nbsp; They are beyond that, unfortunately.

<font size=+1>New York the Town that Really Does Not Sleep (and pays for it later at work)</font>

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I would finally sneak away, still chatting with NY friend about expectations.&nbsp; She actually has brought this up in her own experiences, and after the meeting with Iowa City Gal, well, I thought it good we get things out on the open.&nbsp; Well, JOHD, she expects me to shove it hard inside her body, and shoot a load so... hey, wait a second!&nbsp; Who changed my cue cards?&nbsp; Stupid helicopter dog!!&nbsp; hEhEhE!!&nbsp; No, really, JOHD, we talked about a lot of things, so much so, that we would go from around 1000p or so to 0200a.&nbsp; During the attempts to talk to her, Sparky would call me up, and it would be set that I would be going over to his place later.&nbsp; A big thing we talked about was my "dissipointment" in the Iowa City Gal meeting.&nbsp; She got me to think a lot more into everything that went on, which was good, I did have a bit to let out into the open.&nbsp; However, the main focus was about her and I.&nbsp; How things were going to go.&nbsp; I now realize the extreme importance of talking about expectations with other people.&nbsp; We would add onto it hopes and day dreams.&nbsp; I now see how insanely important it is to talk about all three issues in a situation of meeting someone.&nbsp; I do not think it has to be applied to someone you met for the first time either, but of course, I think it has more importance on a first meeting.&nbsp; We would learn about our expectations of each other.&nbsp; I would learn more on some of her hopes.&nbsp; Things that she would like to happen, but, would not expect to happen.&nbsp; Everything covered was something that I found no problems with.

<font size=+1>The Road Travelled Way Too Many Times Before</font>

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Blah, stupid helicopter watch!&nbsp; I am reminded that I must work, and I want to post this so my computer does not eat it.&nbsp; Thankfully, since using the LJ program for the computer, I have not lost any work, but I would rather not chance it at all.&nbsp; I still have a shower to take!&nbsp; I might take it to work, since that would be a funny thing to see, Madd at work with a shower.&nbsp; But anyway, I will get back to you tonight, most likely, and finish my thoughts.&nbsp; Finish... that inplies there is an end to all this stuff up in my mind.&nbsp; hEhEhE!!&nbsp; Yeah right.&nbsp; Master of Maddness, signing off......
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